Quoted from Death Monkey As for Nicholas' dialogue at the end...that one I'm more wary about. Maybe I'm just a sap, but I really thought the story needed some uplifting at that point. Some sort of hope for humankind. But you could be right. I'll have to reread.

The writing on the wall could be the uplifting part.  You can do a lot with it.


Phil

You have a point. I'll see what I can do.

I liked your script.  I thought it was pretty good.  You have created two sturdy characters with whom to tell your story.  I liked the 'silent' angle that the overall story went for.  It is an interesting piece of transcodification and you handled it very well.  As with a few other readers I was a bit thrown by the ending, not entirely sure in which direction the script is  heading with regards to its final.  

It doesn't really cover any new ground, but, nevertheless, this is one of the best scripts I think I've read on this site so far.

Keep writing  & good luck

L.F.J.

Lee Jackson,

Thanks for reading. I'm happy you liked it. I'm doing a re-write and think it'll be up some time next week. I'm fixing a few things here and there that people have mentioned and adding a bit more background on the crazies and the mute.

Again, thanks for the comments.

Hey Death Monley,

Cool about the re-write, look forward to reading it.


Cheers
Rob

A new draft will be up one of these days. It's still basically the same story, but I changed the restroom scene, I fixed Nicholas dialogue at the end, I took care of a few inconsistencies and added some more writing on the walls. Plus other minor stuff.

This is in all probability not my final draft as I will be tweaking this one over the course of the summer and fall until I'm 100% happy with it. I didn't get to elaborate on the Crazies, though, which still bothers me.

I do feel this is closer to the concept I had in mind. This time there's no spoken dialogue at all.

Also, I'm now putting some thought into making it to a feature, since I've been corresponding with a guy from L.A. who expressed interest in it. That will be a challenge though, but I feel it could be done.

P.S.
The cliché with the German shepherd is still there, Rob, sorry. I didn't come up with a satisfactory way to deal with that yet. At some point I will though. I just wanted the new draft up either way.

Quoted from Death Monkey The cliché with the German shepherd is still there, Rob, sorry. I didn't come up with a satisfactory way to deal with that yet. At some point I will though. I just wanted the new draft up either way.

It might be cliche - but it's still scary (God I hate dogs that eat people)!!!

However, you could put an animal that has escaped from the Zoo in there (without having it looking too much like Twelve Monkeys).


Cheers
Rob

Thanks to Don the new draft is up and running. I already mentioned the changes, I think. Anyway, it's not completely where I want it to be yet, but it's closer than the other draft, and better for it.

Also it seems like I missed your post the last time, Rob. I did think about having an exotic animal there (from the zoo) but should this ever get made, it might be a turn off for the filmmakers to read "Large, endangered Siberian tiger feasts on the remains of middle-aged man in a cheap suit"

Hey T.J, just finished this short and I have to say I really liked it, this was very well done.

First off this was very well written, I was surprised how effective this script was without any dialogue, other than the answering machine of course.  You were able to develop your characters through their actions and emotions which is very hard to do so good work there.

you could lose the continues on the top and bottom of each page.

I also think all the gun shops would have been looted by the time they find it, seems to me that would be the first place that gets looted after something like this happens.

The climax with The Cherub was nice and gruesome, and i think it built up well.

The ending worked for me as well, the S.O.S over the phone.

All in all a very good read, it was something different that didn't feel like a gimmick.  Good work.

Theboywhocouldfly,

Thank you for reading. Glad you liked it. Always nice to hear.

Yeah about the "continues", I accidentally wrote it in a WB-script template which automatically plastered those nasty things on each page. the next draft will take care of this.

You have a point about the gun-shops. But I didn't want the end of the world to be with looting and fires and rioting. That's why I used the "people vanished" angle. I wanted the end to be the quitest of things. We went without a fight, you know?

I'm not sure this is clear enough in the script as is, though.
Like I said, I'm gonna keep tweaking it until the 08 where I'll probably enter it in some contests.

I'll get on reading some of your stuff one of these days. Although I can't promise anything before June 12th when I'm done with my exams.

Again, thanks for reading, your comments are appreciated!

Hey, Death Monkey.

I've just enjoyed a nice and warm holiday in Spain but now I'm back in business.

The second draft of The Mute was my obvious first choice upon returning to Simply Scripts (will get to Strangers later - look forward to that one)

On the plus side I liked that you rewrote the scene in the restroom, it flowed better this way - stayed true to the concept. However, I think you still need to flesh out what the deal is with these "Crazies".

I really liked the ending with the photograph.

This is such a brilliant story - sad as hell - but brilliant nonetheless.

Cheers
Rob

PS: I really hope that this gets made into a feature - it's a big mouthfull, no doubt about that, but I would really like to see this on the screen.

Hey Rob, thanks for reading the new draft!

I agree with both your positive and negative critique. I think flows better without any dialogue, but yeah I still have a problem with the crazies. And the muteness, to be frank.

I need to explain both in greater detail, but right now, I'm not sure how.

As for the feature, I'm brainstorming as we speak, and trying to get a treatment down, but the words just aren't coming.

Hopefully I'll find my creative power-animal next week and get something down.

Thanks again for reading.

Quoted from Death Monkey but the words just aren't coming.

Tell me about it. I've been working on the 4th instalment of my Aliens series for about a month now and have pretty much only gotten a page done. I hate it when that happens.

Btw, I don't think you need to go into why people are all mute. The fact that the reader doesn't know this is really what attracted me to the story - it's strange and intriguing.

Rob

Hey Death Monkey,

After Jordan made the claim that this was the best script on the site I just had to check it out. You have a great writing style. As someone else has said, your descriptions paint a very clear picture. I also thought the descriptions were economically written and well paced. I enjoyed the story for the most part and again, as others have said the intrigue created by everybody being mute was a winner.

SPOILER
My favourite scene was the record player scene; when Ellie turns it up and Nicholas realizes that it’s trap. I just love the way it went from that to finding out it was a slaughter house, which then lead into the action scene. That sequence of events was great.

On a less positive note, this post apocalyptic theme has been done many times and although the mute concept brings something fresh to the table, I think you really need to work on explaining why all this has happened; the intrigue you’ve created demands it happens. It’s just a question of whether you can rise to the challenge and provide an answer/pay off that’s worthy of the set up. If you can, you’ll have yourself a cracker of a script.

Typos.

Page 2: Could just be metal fatigue. Should be mental fatigue.

Page 5: Ellie lets her gaze drift into heart of dead city. Should be the heart of the dead city.

Page 8: Ellie spots a ham radio. Should be hand radio.

Page 10: Pictures of woman, in her early thirties. Should be picture of a woman etc
Page 10: Polaroid camera lies tugged away etc. Should be tucked away etc

Page 11: His gaze locks on message across the table. Should be locks on the message across the table.

On page 19 you wrote that we’ll call the angel-faced man THE CHERUB, yet on page 21 you referred to him as the angel-faced man again. From page 19 onwards he should be referred to as the Cherub.    

Hi Chris, thanks for the read. And thanks to Jordan for the advertisment.

I'm glad you liked the script, and my style of writing. I do think this is my best work so far, so it's nice to see other people agree.

As for the entire WHY-aspect, I will work on that in another draft, or possibly in a feature re-working. I'm not sure how much I'm gonna explain about the muteness, but the crazies and the way things happened, I will probably have to shed some light on.

Quoted Text Page 2: Could just be metal fatigue. Should be mental fatigue.

Actually, metal fatigue is right, I think.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatigue_(material)

Quoted Text page 8: Ellie spots a ham radio. Should be hand radio.

Ham radio is right too. I don't know if it's a solely American term, though.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ham_radio

The other typos are legitimate, so thanks for pointing them out.

Thanks for reading!