Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Death Monkey, I really like this story. It had that Memento quality to it (probably cause of the poloarid camera) mixed in with the Hills Have Eyes. Everything flowed well; it was like a script novel. Bert has pretty much took what I had to say as most of the things that bothered me in the story. The most important is why is everyone mute. Alot of pressure is on that point. Hope you tackle it well. Can't wait for the feautre if you are planning to do one? Excellent work. Gabe

Thanks for the read, Gabe.

A script novel? Hey, I like that.

Yeah, the "why are people mute" is definitely something a lot of people are responding to. I don't know what to do with it, 'cause I honestly can't think of an explanation that wouldn't be cheesy. Kinda like an explanation for zombies, as I mentioned above. The thing I actually liked LEAST about 28 days later was the rage-virus. I thought that was really stupid, and would rather we never were told what the monkeys had been injected with.

But maybe that's just me.

But yeah, if a feature happens, I probably wouldn't be able to get away with leaving so many things unanswered.

Thanks again.

Hey T.J., this was an interesting read.

It reminded me of '28 Days Later'(an wasome movie) and i really think this could be stretched into a successful feature.

Once again, you're format is perfect. You've really got it down to a T.

The story was very good, although I do have one question. What was the creature in the freezer?

I only have one gripe with this otherwise awsome script. The lack of dialogue makes this a very slow read. It's not unbearibly slow, it's just an annoying little flaw.

This is my favorite script from you and I'd really like to see a follow up. Or maybe a prequel!

~Zack~

Sorry Zack, I don't know how I missed your post? I was sure I had replied.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it. I think I have mentioned somewhere in this thread that the "creature" in the box is actually Ellie before Nicholas knows what she is. But I may just have imagined that too.

Yeah I realize the lack of dialogue sorta stretches this one out. It's 25 pages, but it would probably be a 35-40 minute film if produced.

Thanks again.


On a sidenote, I just got notification that "The Mute" has finished 2nd in The Movie Script Contest, which is awesome! Doesn't pay anything but I get writing books, Listing of short on inktip.com, Photo & bio on site for 6 months and Press Release to industry.

And gloating rights. I'm definitely in it for the gloating rights.

http://www.moviescriptcontest.com

This is the first contest I entered so that's a boost to my self-confidence.

Though I kinda regret having to pass them such an "emo" pic of myself looking introspective for their website. But the only time people take pictures of me is when I'm drunk and I don't think that would be proper etiquette...

Hey, T.J.

That's friggen awesome news. Congrats on the second place!

Thanks Matt!

I'm really psyched about it. I've been in an inspirational slump these past months so perhaps this'll get me writing again. Renewed vigor and all that.

Best 32 bucks I ever spent. Especially with the U.S. dollar being so cheap these days.

That's awesome!

Congratulations.

Thanks Pia!

By the way, I wanna recommend this contest to all of you next year. I got lengthy and professional feedback just 2-3 weeks after the deadline and I was notified of every stage in the competition.

The way I hear it, this is not the norm.

Quoted from Death Monkey I got lengthy and professional feedback just 2-3 weeks after the deadline

Post the feedback on this thread.

THE MOVIE SCRIPT CONTEST FEEDBACK

Title: The Mute
Author: T. J. Hundtofte
Form/Pgs: Short/24
Date: 08/20/07



COMMENTS SUMMARY: Clever story, well written with nice set-up and pay-off and succeeds despite absence of dialogue.


COMMENTS: Very original story; complete lack of dialogue in the piece is very different, quite courageous since it depends solely of writer’s visual story telling ability. As such it succeeds well. Despite some flaws (see below) writer shows deft skill in portraying vivid visual scene description. The depiction of the end-of-the-world type scenario seems very authentic and chilling. The message of the tale (intended or not) seems to be that two people might yet find companionship in the brutal harshness of the world; and that love is hard to completely extinguish. This theme of humanity elevates the material beyond genre fare and gets high marks. This theme is reinforced by Nicholas’ fixation with a phone number for some girl called Kayleigh. It seems like Kayleigh is someone important to him, perhaps a true love and the fact that he keeps calling her only to listen to her voice on an answering machine demonstrates he still feels love. This set-up is nicely paid off when Ellie calls the number and hears the answer machine, and then hears the S.O.S in Morse code.

The graffiti and messages that appear throughout the story help make up for the lack of dialogue and gives us some sense of what might have happened. But it doesn’t reveal what. One wonders what happened, why did everyone become mute? Some worldwide plague? Alien Invasion? Some super weapon unleashed by a mad man? It would be nice to have a bit more information.

Also, in this post-apocalyptic world, electricity is still running. The freezer at the supermarket, TV’s in store window, power for the record player etc. One wonders how there is still electricity. Who is running the power plants to provide the electricity? It seems that there might be gas (petrol) in gas stations and sitting in the tanks of cars, and there would be lots of car batteries, possibly even running water. But it seems a stretch to think there would be electrical power. Unless the disaster that destroyed civilization was very recent.

Though the scene description is written very well, here’s some tips on formatting that might make it better. The script has some sounds that are ALLCAPS and some that are lower case. It’s better to be consistent and use ALLCAPS for every sound. Also try to use some shots in the script, example:

________________________________________________________________________

INT. SUPERMARKET  - DAY

The aisles are empty. Abandoned shopping carts, vacant check-out registers.

INSERT CASH REGISTER LED DISPLAY (shot)

Digits flash across the LED display.

Fluorescent light flickers eerily from the ceiling above.

Unobtrusive MUZAK fills the air.

BACK AISLE (sub header)

Footsteps PATTER in the b.g.

A HAND (shot)

Dirty and bloodstained grabs a can from a supermarket shelf.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL: (shot)

NICHOLAS, (29), dark, greasy hair in tattered hoodie. He walks down the aisle with a slight limp and has a desperate look about him. He turns the can in his hand, searching for an opening.



Though you don’t want to use too many shots and sub headers in a script. It’s a good idea to include some since it looks better that way. Also, use INSERT when showing us a close up of something written, example:

________________________________________________________________________

INSERT: TORN PIECE OF PAPER

Handwritten words read, “HELP US, PLEASE!”

Or


INSERT: NEWSPAPER CLIPPING

Depicts a grainy photo of a masked man. Underneath the photo is a caption,
“HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?”

You don’t have to use INSERT for big signs and so forth, just small items that need to be a separate shot so we can see what’s written. For a close up on something like a hand or gun just do:

CLOSE ON  

Revolver. Chrome plated, snub nosed, the worn grip has the name “SAMMY” etched into the wood.

You get the idea.



In sum, great story, original, very clever.

RECOMMENDED READING:

                         The Screenwriter’s Bible: David Trottier

                         Crafty Screenwriting: Alex Epstein.

Quoted from Death Monkey On a sidenote, I just got notification that "The Mute" has finished 2nd in The Movie Script Contest

So, of all the losers - you finished 1^st  

I'm kidding, TJ. You know I love this script. That's awesome news and congrats with that. If yours finished 2^nd, I'd imagine we'll be seeing the writer of the script that came in 1^st place accepting an oscar next year cos' it would have to be pretty damn good.


Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper So, of all the losers - you finished 1st   I'm kidding, TJ. You know I love this script. That's awesome news and congrats with that. If yours finished 2nd, I'd imagine we'll be seeing the writer of the script that came in 1st place accepting an oscar next year cos' it would have to be pretty damn good. Cheers Rob

Haha! Yeah "if you ain't first, you're last."

Jason Zimmatore over at The Movie Script Contest actually called me and told me that one of the judges had been very adamant about awarding the Mute first place, so that feels good knowing that it wasn't a clean cut second place, that I was in the race for first place.

He also told me that the company that makes the small trophy I'll get in the mail in a couple of weeks also makes the Oscar statuettes. Wicked cool.

But yeah I look forward to reading the other winners' scripts and see what I went up against.

I had an ass clown writer refuse to read one of my scripts here one time cause the top half of the first page was a black block of action and that was just wrong.

Ha! and here you are with a whole script with no dialouge. And good O to you for daring to break the rules.

I never understood why every page of a scipt had to have an even balance of action and dialouge.  After all film is a visual medium so why not let the action tell the story?

This script was well written and the visual telling of the story worked really well.  You captured perfectly a city where civilization had come to a complete stop.  Very good atmosphere.

The concept of everyone being mute is amazing. I know a lot of people who just won't shut up so suddenly have a world where no one can talk would be horrible.

And I notice some people above comment on that it not make sense why they ring phone number.

Of course it make sense. They are ringing the phone just to hear human speech via the answering machine. yes?

  

Tonka,

Thanks for reading and all.

Yeah I thought it'd be fun to do a script without dialogue at all, and see where that'd take me. I'm glad it worked for you.

About the phone, yeah that's exactly right. Answering machines are the last recordings of human speech in a world where everyone's mute.

Thanks again.


Btw. if anyone's interested (and I'm sure you all are) my interview about The Mute for my 2nd place is up at http://www.moviescriptcontest.com/winnerscircle.html

My first ever interview, where I'm the interviewee! Thrilling!

Thanks for this, a really great read and a very original story. Not the easiest of scripts to follow i guess, took a bit more reading than any other short i have read but certainly worth it for the originality. This is the first short i have read that has an idea i can see being turned into a feature, whether or not someone could make a feature with no dialogue though is another thing. Though i am sure there is a ballsy enterprising Nolanesque director out there somewhere who could make it work.

Whoa. thanks there, Murphy. I'm glad you got the most out of it.

And yeah, I wouldn't mind a Nolanesque director taking on this one