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The description of Bobby falling through the ice seemed a little odd. He' sinking, almost as if he's in quicksand. Generally, when someone falls through ice, they fall. He could still be up to his chest with water, but it should be an instant thing.
I wrote it the way I remember it being like when I went through the ice. Sort of scary actually...
As I'm reading through this, I'm getting the pleasant surprise that the really spooky shit isn't so much in the description, it's in the dialogue. I found myself to be far more repulsed by that.
Hope that was meant as a good thing. I have a very hard time writing coarse dialogue. It's not how I or anyone I know talk, so it does not come naturally, but I've had some help lately to change that. Not sure yet if that's a good thing.
No, but as a farm girl I'm quite familiar with everything from breeding to slaughtering and everything in between. Things tend to be very no nonsene on farms. The bladder thing was something I was told everytime. I assumed it was important.
Bobby's rushing to free himself and he stops to put on a pair of jeans?
Yeah I know. Everyone has mentioned that. I guess I'm the only one that would stop and put pants on before going into a fight. Maybe I am a prude after all.
An interesting little scene at the end, but how does the clip get posted to the internet?
Good question, but I think I wanted people to wonder about that. Maybe whoever found it eventually. Maybe a cop? Maybe someone else coming to meet and eat at that little dungeon.
This was pretty screwed up I'd say, but well written.
Thanks! I've tried in the last year to better my writing and I think it's loads better than it used to be. Now I have to concentrate more on character and plotting and make more original stories.
Thanks for reading Mike. I'll read something of yours shortly too. Got a few other things ahead first including Sean's TWITCH. I've just been VERY distracted lately.
I'll look back at the script when I get a chance to see if I can't come up with an alternative for that line. I noticed Greg liked it, but he cracks up at the word "inferno", so who knows?
I got the sodomized part with the blood on the legs, the no pants at all thing just popped into my head as the scene progressed.
One thing that was in my head for the ending and how the tape got there, was that maybe Bobby had taken it when he went back for the keys, and put it up himself. He did hear Jerry talk about all the money he had made, and the reason him and Ally where there in the first place was because of money, so maybe he thought it was win-win for them.
My dialogue vs. description comment was a good thing. You knw how I am when it comes to dialogue, and stuff like that is bound to come out in the script, where the description can be interpreted many different ways and shot differently.
I'm double posting, but I promised you I'd get back to you on that line.
The more I read it, the more bizarre and fitting I find it, but I think rather than just those three words, I would add either "you stabbed me" or "you killed me" to both sides, with the first one being a little more mellow and then into a full on scream.
Pia, I am one of those who loved Hostel and the original Chainsaw Massacre. I wanted this one to go on for a helluva lot longer than 20 page, loved the build up and the opening scene is my favorite part.
I don't think I can say anything new about it expect that I loved it.
When things go wrong I seem to be bad But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Pleasure Pain I like the set up of being in ancient Japan. I'm not anywhere near being an expert on the subject but I do have a fondness and appreciation for it. There is a certain mystique that intrigues me about it but anyhow, on with the script. This was a difficult one for me. I liked the idea of the story, seemed like a traditional old story but with a revamp, no pun intended. Certain dialouge did stick out like a sore thumb in places. It certain scenes the brothers talk very much like you would expect from ancient Japan but then they revert to normal, modern sentences at other moments. It was also very on the nose in places, I have a problem with dialouge myself so I know how difficult it is to make it right, but in other places the simplicity works as it is how you would imagine they would talk back in them times. I guess there is a very fine balance between the two. The other problem I had was it was just one big action scene, well many, but without a pause. This is great for those that love that, and I think you write the action scenes exceptionally well. I just found myself unable to keep an interest as it became a little repetitive. Dont get me wrong - the violence was great and the blood and guts were nice but I just found it dragged on. I think it was very old school Grindhouse, and if thats what you aimed it at being, then I think you definitly achieved it. I did love the way the vampires heads crumbled up when they were brought out in to the day light. That was a nice touch that decapitation alone wasnt enough and they had to be exposed to sunlight to actually be destroyed. The ending did hit me as a surprise, I didn't see that coming and I thought it was a good finish.
The Dead And The Deader Love this because it just pulls no punches. It's great to just read this Harlan guy, he's a complete sicko! Very refreshing and absolutly disgusting. Bit of a crazy mix, demonic fetus and voodoo mixed with zombies/ghosts all set in the late 1800s! This was really well written and described very well. I had to laugh to myself at the extreme levels this went both in dialouge and in gore. It was great! The ending did also remind me of Creepshow 1 - the segment where the two are buried in the beach and the tide comes in and drowns them but they return and carry out revenge. Very good.
Twitch I liked the scene in the cinema with the invisible creature - I thought this would be quite a creepy scene. The reveal of it being a girl did immidetly remind me of The Ring but that's an image that I guess is just conjured up when a similar character pops up. This one does seem to be a break from the previous two in that it is more subtle and character development is more on show. Its a definite change of pace. I like the dialouge, it's written really well and as much as you want to give Emily a slap - I kind of feel sorry for her aswell. The shower scene was good, I hate to keep harping on about what it reminds me of, but it was similar to something you might find in an Elm Street scene or the film The Entity - without the rape scene of course. The following dream sequence was awesome - very nice visuals and images. P76 : Her face can - missing words here I think. Once I got into this, it was a good read. The flashback was truly disturbing and well written. The payback Michael recieved was truly deserved. Both scenes were very good. Got to love Heather's death - kind of knew the woodchipper was going to be used somehow sooner or later! Nice finish. What I like about this one is the pacing. You set it off with the cinema scene which was OK, but then the slow build up with Emily and onto the bloody finale which comes in as a surprise. I mean there are gory scenes like the dream but this has a nice unnerving feel about it. It could quite easily play on your mind, what with the rape scene and all. Very good.
Thanks for the read Scoob, I'm the sick nut that wrote The dead and the deader, glad you liked it, probably the most twisted stuff I have written, but there is still Buckets of blood part II , so we'll see how that goes .
No problem, I meant to get round to reading this earlier. Really enjoyed it, good luck with part 2! You've got a tough job topping The Dead and The Deader though in terms of extreme sickness lol.
The Dark Side Of Man I like this one also. Very nicely written with a very nicely constructed pace. This reminds me of the true life incident about Armen Miewes, who confessed to killing a man after he had replied to his internet advert looking to be "slaughted and eaten". Crazy world. This story is great because as sick as it is - it actually happens! Jerry was a truly sick character, but very enjoyable to read. I also like the ending, its kind of ( forgot the word ) how you really make it I guess. Did another person enter and retrieve the tape or did Bobby and Ally actually end up making something good out of something bad and cashed in? I wonder about the Russian connections that Jerry had but maybe Im going too much over the top here! All in all, it was great.
Thanks for the read. Yeah, I know, it was unoriginal in most parts, but yeah, it was fun writing. I'm glad you liked it, and yes, I even want to slap Emily.
Sean
P.S. Pia, I'm waiting. Hehe, just kidding. But seriously, folks...