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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Expiration Date Moderators: bert
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Shelton
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bob,

Thanks for checking it out.  As far as it going online, I really have no idea.  I hope it would at some point, but it's really up to the director.

From a script standpoint, there wasn't a whole lot changed as far as the ending goes.  More was added into the middle.  I think, ultimately, my train of thought with the rewrite was geared toward expanding it into a feature at some point, and where it currently ends would be a good spot to do it.


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bobtheballa
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, I was going to say that the ending sort of left things hanging and didn't really tie anything up, but if you considered expanding it then that would make perfect sense.

I guess I'll have to keep checking back for news on how/if the director makes the video public. Congrats once again!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I read this. I wanted to see the kind of work that merited a Hollywood name starring in a short film. After reading this, I have to say, man you got lucky -- haha.

No, I’m just kidding.

I’m not sure what to think of this. I’ve read work from you that I thought was more dynamic and charismatic - and funnier. Selena’s character didn’t do much for me until near the end. Matt’s character didn’t seem to develop enough to generate any attachment to him until the end either. In fact, it was really just starting to get interesting at the end.

I think it would be more interesting to bring Dexter in earlier and let the three of them interact so we can have their characters develop a little prior to the end. Maybe Dexter can show up and revive Matt after the first time Selena kills him. Then they can all three bounce off each other. I think that would really spice it up. Just some thoughts.


Breanne


[EDIT -- Rereading my review, I hope it doesn’t come off as too negative. I did enjoy reading the story. ]



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Breanne Mattson  -  August 8th, 2008, 9:01pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mike, this was a cool little script you had here. It sort of reminded me of Dead Like Me, except Selena was much nicer than the reapers in DLM.

I found some parts funny, but it was more of a nice, soft feeling rather than a dark comedy. And I liked the "Bang" part.

There's not much really to say except that I liked it...oh, and you planning on trying to get this one produced too? I saw that you got another script produced.

Sean
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Shelton
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, another round of feedback.  Hope I'm not turning anyone of from reading my Soulshadows script when it goes up.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson
I read this. I wanted to see the kind of work that merited a Hollywood name starring in a short film. After reading this, I have to say, man you got lucky -- haha.


Actually, that's pretty accurate.  The director goes to school with his son and had the connection, hence the supporting role.  That's about the gist of it.




Quoted from Breanne
I’m not sure what to think of this. I’ve read work from you that I thought was more dynamic and charismatic - and funnier. Selena’s character didn’t do much for me until near the end. Matt’s character didn’t seem to develop enough to generate any attachment to him until the end either. In fact, it was really just starting to get interesting at the end.


I can definitely understand that.  This script was really one of those "Hey, I like that idea.  I think I'll write it." type scripts, and I just kind of went with it.  A little while later I had given some thought to expanding, but then someone expressed interest and I put that on the backburner.  I still might at some point, though, since I have a general idea of what I want to do with it already.


Quoted from Breanne
I think it would be more interesting to bring Dexter in earlier and let the three of them interact so we can have their characters develop a little prior to the end. Maybe Dexter can show up and revive Matt after the first time Selena kills him. Then they can all three bounce off each other. I think that would really spice it up. Just some thoughts.


The rewrite has a little bit more of Dexter in it, but mostly a brief scene prior to him showing up.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
Hey, Mike, this was a cool little script you had here. It sort of reminded me of Dead Like Me, except Selena was much nicer than the reapers in DLM.


I've gotten that a couple times now.  I've heard of the show, but haven't had the opportunity to check out any of it on dvd yet.  The rewrite goes a little more in depth about other messengers, some not as nice as Selena...haha.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
I found some parts funny, but it was more of a nice, soft feeling rather than a dark comedy. And I liked the "Bang" part.


Yeah, it's pretty laid back.  I didn't go too over the top with much in this one.  The "bang" is better introduced with another character (Bertha) in my opinion.  She doesn't have the advantage of seducing guys, well, cause she's a great big fat person.  She simply passes them on the street, "bang" they drop like a stone, and she continues on her way.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
There's not much really to say except that I liked it...oh, and you planning on trying to get this one produced too? I saw that you got another script produced.


This has been produced.  There's a poster for it in the "movie poster" thread under "Cessation".

"Mr. Gloom" or "Cupidity" should be the next one completed.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I've gotten that a couple times now.  I've heard of the show, but haven't had the opportunity to check out any of it on dvd yet.  The rewrite goes a little more in depth about other messengers, some not as nice as Selena...haha.


It's a great show. I really recommend you take a look at it. And yeh, I'd like to see some other messengers too. Will you include that in the rewrite? (Or a sequel perhaps? Ha ha)


Quoted Text
The "bang" is better introduced with another character (Bertha) in my opinion.  She doesn't have the advantage of seducing guys, well, cause she's a great big fat person.  She simply passes them on the street, "bang" they drop like a stone, and she continues on her way.


That's a funny thing to imagine. Is it something you cut out of the script or you're adding into the script in the rewrite?

Sean
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Shelton
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean


That's a funny thing to imagine. Is it something you cut out of the script or you're adding into the script in the rewrite?


It was added into the rewrite for the shooting script.

This is the actress that played her.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1679525



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stebrown
Posted: August 9th, 2008, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike

Just read this, pretty funny story. I've just skimmed through the comments so I may repeat a few things.

Selena's character seems to make a pretty big shift at the end. She just seemed kinda uber-cool up til Dexter shows up and then she suddenly becomes stroppy and spoilt. Just seemed a bit jarring.

The whole idea is really good and I can see it playing out as a feature -- lots of different characters, with their own techniques of enjoying their job. Could be 'Animal House' in the afterlife haha.

I think all my other comments have been covered, but I liked this.

One little question that bugs me on a few scripts. Why do people write nods her head yes/nods her head no? Why not just write nods or shakes? lol random question but it puzzles me - is it just for clarity?

Looking forward to reading your soulshadows script too.

Ste


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Shelton
Posted: August 9th, 2008, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stebrown
Hey Mike

One little question that bugs me on a few scripts. Why do people write nods her head yes/nods her head no? Why not just write nods or shakes? lol random question but it puzzles me - is it just for clarity?

Ste


It's a bad habit that I'm trying to get out of, and the sooner the better.



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