Hey Mark,

I must say that your story kept me engaged.

The poor girl, so alone.

I'm not sure about flushing the baby down the toilet though. Seems like it would make the toilet overflow.

I do like Brett's idea about her cradeling the baby. What if she was to wrap the baby in a towel and hold onto it until it dies?

The ending didn't seem to fit the story for me. If she wanted to talk to her mother, why didn't she just call her? If she's alive that is. (Hint, hint)

Oh, and if someone was that strung out, would loosing a baby really change the leopard's spots? I don't think so. I think it would amplify their addictions.

I'm not trying to be hard here. These things just seemed to stick out for me in an otherwise intense script.

Cindy

Hello Mark!

Alright I read this script.

Again structure is solid, as is usual.

Yet another "banal" storyline that somehow comes across in a very "unbanal" way. (Thats a complement btw lol)

Very strong visuals, womans private, fetis, toilets and more. Lots of stuff in there man!

I think I know where your coming from, and I think I get it. This style could develope into something quite unique for you.

Keep up the good work!

Harley

Hey everybody.

Just wanted to take a moment and give a general 'Thank you' and an 'I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply' before I respond one by one.

I was so excited for this past weekend to come because I actually had a Friday and Saturday totally off work and couldn't wait for some SimplyScripts time.

But, of course I got sick Thursday night.  Bad bad sick, and spent both my days off, (the only two days off I've had this month so far) in bed.

So, once again, I'm sorry it's taken me awhile to write back.

All right... down to business.

Hey BD,

Thanks for taking a read.  Sorry the beginning and ending wasn't as gripping for you as the middle was.  I'm wondering if maybe it was all the V.O. going on in those parts that made it a little tedious for you.  I know as writers, we're usually discouraged to use voiceovers, but I really like them for some reason, and, although I do use them sparingly anymore, I do enjoy ramping them up and using them for more internal stories from time to time.

As for what you mentioned about her scapegoating her problems onto the johns and them being responsible for what she's going through now, I really had no intention whatsoever for it to come off like that.

With this story, I had full intention for her taking responsibility herself and that's why she despises herself now and actually wants to get better.  I didn't mean for it to sound like she was deflecting her problems.  I just had her complaining about the guys she sleeps with to show how alone she is, that she doesn't have any personal connections with anybody at all.  That's all that that was meant to show.

Thank you very much for your comments and I am glad that you did find some interest in the middle part of the story.  I do agree with you that the ending doesn't have a bang, but I did kind of want it to be more of a life story and just show that she has to move on now, and that we all have to move on, sometimes quietly, without there being some great twist.

- Mark

Hey E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Another lighthearted romp with a feel good ending

:-)  You know me.  I really want to sell a script to Disney/Pixar, so I've been writing stories that I think they'll pick up.  This one has Disney all over it.  IMO, of course.

Woohoo!  I was your 1000th comment!  Sweet!

BD mentioned about the ending waning, too.  I just wanted to show that she (like all of us) have to move on through life and keep pushing from day to day, and that at least now she has the want to get better, instead of just trudging like she has been.

Lol.  I love your idea about her humming a fractured lullaby.  I already had something like that worked into the synopsis of that story 'Bunting' that I'm not sure if I told you about yet or not.  So instead of her humming a lullaby, I'm going to have her hum the notes to 'Suicide is Painless', (which is the theme song to Mash).  That will give it a very creepy feel.  Thanks for that.

I might have to go back and look at it again, though, because at first, or maybe it was an old draft, I gave her quite a bit of time, sitting there and cradling Tyler in her hand.  Maybe when I was doing the rewriting for it, I took something out that made that clear, or maybe it's just the way I saw it in my head and didn't express it enough in the descriptions.  I will definately go back and give it another look.

Anywho, thank you very much for the time and comments.  I'll e-mail you in a bit before I go to work.

- Mark

hey Mark,

first and foremost, consider me a fan of your work. every story that ive read of yours has been both well written and intriguing. this was no exception. so kudos for that.

a lot has been said already. seems like you did some much needed revising after your initial post. i did notice a quick typo on page 8:

JENNIFER (V.O.)
And you're right. But I'm not going to
do it for or on drugs this time.

as for the story? i loved it. the imagery of a dying, yet still alive crack baby on the tile floor was awesome. and when she flushed it? i about flipped my shit. cant remember the last time ive been so shocked by a short...which is a great thing IMO. the only way you could have made it worse was if the toilet started over flowing and jennifer had to reach for the plunger (just kidding, please dont add that haha).

the only dilemma i had was the ending. i agree with you in that it doesnt need a twist. a twist would only cheapen the story. after the dust has settled however, im not sure what to think about jennifer. she just flushed her crack baby. as someone else posted, im not so sure she'd be ready to turn her life around. furthermore, im not so sure the audience is rooting for her at this point. just something to think about.

thanks for the read! looking forward to reading more  

Hey Janet

Once again, sorry for the late response.

Is it bad when I get off work at 11:30 and it feels like I have the whole night off?

Anyway...

Quoted from wonkavite what exactly is it with you and abortion/miscarriage stories?

Honestly, I have to admit that I do a lot of my writing when I'm in very depressed moods, so I write a lot of what's on my mind at that certain time.  About ten years ago, my wife (now ex-wife) was about eight months pregnant when she was in a car accident and we lost the baby.  So I guess that bugs me a lot when I'm in those moods because I do incorporate that loss into a lot (more than just the two you mentioned) of my stories.

That's my excuse for my most recent stories that I've written.  'Fix', however, I wrote as a short story back in '96 or so when I was only sixteen years old.  So I have no idea where this story came from or why I even wrote it, other than I guess I've just always been extremely curious about death and why people, especially so young, have to die.

I also just want to say, that even though mostly everything I write is usually a great big downer, I am in person a very happy-go-lucky guy and my writing reflects nothing in my personality.  I guess writing is just a great way for me to vent those horrible feelings I get and not let them affect me.

And I did like Bret's idea too.  I don't know if you'll read it or not, but I replied in a post to him that I'm working on a feature now that already uses that idea, but on this, I'm going to have her hum 'Suicide is Painless' while she gives her quiet goodbyes.

Anyway, thank you very much, Janet, for taking a read.  I really hope I'll be getting some more reading time for myself here pretty soon, and you'll be on my list.  Is there anything you'd like me to take a look at first?