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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Greedy Tooth Fairy Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Greedy Tooth Fairy  (currently 3463 views)
Don
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Greedy Tooth Fairy by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Short, Fantasy - Fear and Disbelief comes with a price. 11 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 11th, 2007, 12:35pm
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ABennettWriter
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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This was a very cute script. Great premise. I thought the characters were fully realized, and the conflict was very much there.

My only gripe: Is the principal's office INT. or EXT.?

Besides that, good job!
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Shogun
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not into fantasy but i like what you did here. It wasn't amazing but very cute. Thank god i never pissed off the tooth fairy. I like my teeth.
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spencerforhire
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Elisabeth -- You are a very talented writer. This story exposed your depth. Great story about teeth and the perils of a pissed off tooth fairy. Might make a great animated short.

I was a bit confused at the end why the tooth fairy would be looking for someones permanent tooth. This didn't quite fit the story line. You may want to rewrite the ending. Maybe the tooth fairy is now the dentist.

Anyway, I enjoy your shorts. Scripts that is.


I got nothing.  
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Don
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Elis,

I really liked this script.  It was a fun read.  Past week I was in Seattle and read a cute picture book about what the tooth fairy does with the teeth she gets.  (She minds nickle, smelts the nickle, melts the nickle and casts a coin which she exchanges for the child's tooth which she takes back to her home to make piano keys.  Delightful story.  Wish I could remember the author).  Anywho.  My only criticism is quite petty and beyond the story, generally speaking, children are around 5 or 6 when they lose their first teeth.  And, generally speaking it is the lower incisors that come in first.  (The fat kid is seven and finally his upper incisors have come in).  Needless to say, none of this has any bearing on the script you've written.  

To Spencer's point, I wasn't sure why the tooth fairy has such a jones for Sam's adult teeth.   A thought that you might want to reject out of hand, have Sam jerk the tooth fairy's chain by not putting his teeth under the pillow a couple more times.  Have the TF "black spot" Sam.  It might (or might not) add a punch to the end.  Regardless, as it stands, the story was a fun read.

Don




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nwc2001
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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i really liked it.
i think it will make a nice short film.

no real issues with the story - i like the characterisation of the tooth fairy.

good job.
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EBurke73
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Heh, that was cute.  A nice little story playing on childhood fears.  It has the same fable like quality of "Sacred Heart."  I wonder where the fear of the Tooth Fairy comes from, though.  Seems like the easiest protection racket ever, you give the tooth, you get dough and no problems.  Other than that, it flowed nicely.


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tomson
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Elis,

This one didn't come up for me during the voting. I only made it through 30 or so scripts.

I really liked your writing here, even more so than the mockumentary.

Due to the 5 page maximum you couldn't do this, but I would suggest if page limit was not an issue to break up the action a bit more. For example:

Sam climbs into bed, mom kisses him, walks out. Sam falls
asleep. Fairy appears, hovers over Samís pillow, lifts all
four corners, finds nothing. Annoyed, she opens her bag.

This is really several different shots and should IMO be broken up in such.

Sam climbs into bed.

Mom kisses him, walks out.

Sam falls asleep. Fairy appears, hovers over Samís pillow, lifts all
four corners, finds nothing. Annoyed, she opens her bag.

Anyway, great short and if I had read this one during August I would've voted "Very Good".

Pia
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tonkatough
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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What do fairies do with human teeth. that's what I want to know.

This was well written but offered nothing new to the tooth fairy mytho.  I like how tooth fairy sticks feet up nostrils of kid to make him open mouth. I hope for her sake and the kids she was wearing undies under her mini green dress cause if the kid woke up he would of got an eye full.

What happened at the end? it just sort of stopped. There is not even a The End. It just stopped and just when it was starting to get interesting.  


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Shelton
Posted: September 3rd, 2007, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty funny little story, I especially liked the little not at the end.  Seems like the Tooth Fairy really isn't one to mess with.  I take it the tooth is worth more than the small bit of money in her land.

Anyway, good work here...it was a nice light comedy, and I enjoyed it.


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elis
Posted: September 4th, 2007, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for your reviews, deeply appreciated.

ABSteel, I noticed the error after the post it is INT. Thanks for picking that up.

shogun, glad you enjoyed it.

spencerforhire, good idea for the twist at the end. The only reason I made her come after an adult is because she held a grudge against Sam for not giving up his teeth as a child and was determine one way or another to get his teeth.

Don, you are quite correct on the age of a child losing their incisors, had to make him a little older for the story so I improvised. Didn't think that would be picked up.  

nwc2001,thank you for the read; I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

EBurke73, It has the same fable like quality of "Sacred Heart." you have a pretty good memory to connect my two scripts. Being limited to a 5 page entry, in one of our monthly comps on an other writing site, it was hard to put more into it and therefor, did not go into Sam's fear to much. I will probably look at putting a little more meat in the story. Thanks for your comment.

Pia, like me I only got to read 30 scripts as well, I have started early this month, to make sure I get through them all. I did cramp some of the actions only because of the page restriction, as you would know . thanks for the read Pia.

tonkatoughI hope for her sake and the kids she was wearing undies under her mini green dress cause if the kid woke up he would of got an eye full.   this honestly did not cross my mind, lol.
The end was a little short but this story was not suppose to be over 5 pages. I will rewrite and extend a little more on it. Thanks for the read.

Mike Shelton, thanks for your uplifting review Mike.


Once again, thank you all for reading this short.
Elis


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 4th, 2007, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this. The visuals are imaginative and are very funny. Would have liked to seen the Toothfairy really struggle to get under Adult Sam's big ol' adult sized head. In all, lots of comic potential that ended too soon.


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elis
Posted: September 5th, 2007, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Blakkwolfe. Glad you enjoyed it.
In my rewrite I am going to make it a little longer; even your idea gives me food for thought.
Cheers


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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 5th, 2007, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Elise, I just finished your short here and I thought it was pretty cute, there were a few lines here that really made me laugh   I think that the idea is pretty cool, a Tooth fairy with a bit of an attitude.  I think the set up was fine, Sam was a funny little kid.  The line "Punch-up" at the beginning seemed kinda weird, but maybe that is an Aussie saying, "fight" to me would sound more natural, but that might just be a cultural thing.  I loved how the Tooth Fairy left threatening notes, that cracked me up, I wish there was a little more of her.  Near the end felt a little of when Older Sam was at the dentist, His dialogue didn't seem natural at all, well this line did did "Since my freaky childhood trauma, the fear of losing any of my teeth haunts me."

All in all this was a neat little short.  good job.


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James McClung
Posted: September 5th, 2007, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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This was a fun read. Definitely an interesting twist on the concept and well-written. I'd say I have the same questions about this particular tooth fairy as the rest of these guys do. Also, you've got too many parantheticals in your dialogue. They break up almost every handful of lines. I'd cut down on some of them. Most are unneccesary. Also, I'd like to see some sort of reaction from the older Sam upon reading the tooth fairy's note. The scene's just begging for one.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say about the story. All in all, a good use of what was probably less then five minutes, hehe. I liked it.


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