Quoted from The boy who could fly The line "Punch-up" at the beginning seemed kinda weird, but maybe that is an Aussie saying, "fight" to me would sound more natural, but that might just be a cultural thing.

It must be. It becomes a nightmare sometimes to use the English language and not knowing whether another English speaking culture will know what you're on about.

Thanks for reading theboy who could fly, Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from James McClung Also, you've got too many parantheticals in your dialogue. They break up almost every handful of lines. I'd cut down on some of them. Most are unneccesary.

I tend to use a lot of them when I write limited shorts to save on space, instead of action line.
This was a five page limit.
Having said this, I do agree it distracts from the reading.

Quoted from James McClung Also, I'd like to see some sort of reaction from the older Sam upon reading the tooth fairy's note. The scene's just begging for one.

I agree and I will in the re-write.

Thank you for the read and review James, much appeciated.
Glad it made you smile

Haha, I loved this one, Elis.

As somebody else has mentioned: you might want to limit the parentheticals a bit, but for the rest it was a good fast read. You did a great job on bringing Sam to life and, of course, the tooth fairy is simply cute (yet has a mean side to her). Placing her feet in his nostrils to open his mouth made me laugh. Good read.

Hey elis,

Thought this was very good.  Loved the idea of a grumpy fairy thieving teeth.  I do have to agree with James that there are a few too many parantheticals but overall your format and grammer were excellent.

I wanted to know why young Sam was so adament about no one touching his teeth.  What happened?  I like the way older Sam knows to look after his teeth and note idea was great.  Special mention to the feet up the nostril, genious!

I'm thinking - government warning advert for the looking after of oyur teeth, you know the ones you are forced to watch at school when your young.  Well maybe you don't know, It's a few years since I was at junior school and it was in England.

Anywho I'm waffling so I'll finish with a few kind words - enjoyable and entertaining read.

Hi Elis,

as everyone I've been quite seduced by your short. I made some comments after my reading but realized everything was told before me. All I can say, it's well done.

Keep entertain us.

Michel

Great story!

No problems for me. Very easy to read, and consistently interesting. It's cute, but at the same time, it's not. It's very disturbing when you actually think about it, but you made it work.

Keep writing.

movemycheese, thank you for reading. Glad you had a laugh. I have taken out most parentheticals in my rewrite. I will be posting it up soon. Thanks again.

alffy, thanks for the read and comment. I remember when I was a kid, we too had a campaign for healthy teeth in school. I don't know if this is still the case. A little out of touch with school events now, lol.

michel, thanks for the read. I will be posting a new version soon. Talk soon!

Sham, it could be a real scary thing if they existed, lol. But, then again, do they?
Keep your eyes opened at night.    Thanks for the read.


I took the liberty of checking my reviewers ages.
It has crossed all spectrums.
It's quite funny to see that we all have a little bit of a soft spot for fairy tales, no matter what age or genre types we write.

There is still a child locked in us somewhere

Hey, Elis this was a great little short. A well-written and very quick read, also a very interesting take on the whole tooth fairy thing. All in all, I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said already, so I'll just say good work. I had fun with this script.


Matt.

New script version now uploaded! 10th September.


Chism, thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it! Fuller version now updated.

What's that elis I don't understand your message...LOL.  Jesus the boldness of your text scares me!!

I enjoyed this a lot! I liked you how added the dad. That gives Sam's reason for not believing in the tooth fairy.

I also like the new ending. She's a sneaky little devil!

Good job.

Great re-write! You have given the tooth fairy good motivation for her deed.

You do not have FADE OUT at the end of your script.

Thanks for reading the rewrite guys.

I am seriously thinking of turning this into a feature.
I'll see how it pans out.
Thanks again ABSteel and Spencerforhire, glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Elis,

This was a good script. I found all the characters funny espeically Sam and Trixie. Their interactions were good. The story flowed well.

But I think Trixie should meet with Sam's father since his the one who started this defiance againt the toothfairy. Probably have one of his teeth taken out and meet the toothfairy. Lol. But's for a different story.

But I think a couple of things bother me:

I think Sam would not ignore the several threatening messages espeically where he found it and how it was written. I think he would investigate in who is doing this to him.

pg. 5 "Irate" I think you meant to spell "irriated".

When Trixie clogs Sam's nostrils, wouldn't Sam just open his mouth and breathe or swing his arm where the tooth fairy is at and shove her out of the way? I think we should see Trixie get a bit matter at this point to show since it adds more comedy to it.

I would like to know about the new teeth he recieves, were they surgical implemented?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I think Trixie should meet with Sam's father since his the one who started this defiance againt the toothfairy. Probably have one of his teeth taken out and meet the toothfairy. Lol. But's for a different story.

No, you are quite right, lol. I am furthering this into a longer script. I had a similar intention.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I think Sam would not ignore the several threatening messages espeically where he found it and how it was written. I think he would investigate in who is doing this to him.

He was too young the first time around and his mother reassured him, saying that it was just a piece of tissue; so, when he finds the note as an adult, he freaks, remembering something similar occuring in his past.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley When Trixie clogs Sam's nostrils, wouldn't Sam just open his mouth and breathe or swing his arm where the tooth fairy is at and shove her out of the way? I think we should see Trixie get a bit matter at this point to show since it adds more comedy to it.

Good suggestion!

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I would like to know about the new teeth he recieves, were they surgical implemented?

If you are referring to the 5 y.o Sam losing his teeth,...No they grew back, It was his baby teeth she pulled out.

Thank you for the read and feed back Mr. Ripley.

A mention that the Tooth Fairy has been noticed on SS and is being animated.

Thank you to all who took time out to read and review.
Will post a link when it is finished.
Elisabeth