The Greedy Tooth Fairy by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Short, Fantasy - Fear and Disbelief comes with a price. 11 pages - pdf, format

This was a very cute script. Great premise. I thought the characters were fully realized, and the conflict was very much there.

My only gripe: Is the principal's office INT. or EXT.?

Besides that, good job!

I'm not into fantasy but i like what you did here. It wasn't amazing but very cute. Thank god i never pissed off the tooth fairy. I like my teeth.

Elisabeth -- You are a very talented writer. This story exposed your depth. Great story about teeth and the perils of a pissed off tooth fairy. Might make a great animated short.

I was a bit confused at the end why the tooth fairy would be looking for someones permanent tooth. This didn't quite fit the story line. You may want to rewrite the ending. Maybe the tooth fairy is now the dentist.

Anyway, I enjoy your shorts. Scripts that is.

Elis,

I really liked this script.  It was a fun read.  Past week I was in Seattle and read a cute picture book about what the tooth fairy does with the teeth she gets.  (She minds nickle, smelts the nickle, melts the nickle and casts a coin which she exchanges for the child's tooth which she takes back to her home to make piano keys.  Delightful story.  Wish I could remember the author).  Anywho.  My only criticism is quite petty and beyond the story, generally speaking, children are around 5 or 6 when they lose their first teeth.  And, generally speaking it is the lower incisors that come in first.  (The fat kid is seven and finally his upper incisors have come in).  Needless to say, none of this has any bearing on the script you've written.  

To Spencer's point, I wasn't sure why the tooth fairy has such a jones for Sam's adult teeth.   A thought that you might want to reject out of hand, have Sam jerk the tooth fairy's chain by not putting his teeth under the pillow a couple more times.  Have the TF "black spot" Sam.  It might (or might not) add a punch to the end.  Regardless, as it stands, the story was a fun read.

Don

i really liked it.
i think it will make a nice short film.

no real issues with the story - i like the characterisation of the tooth fairy.

good job.

Heh, that was cute.  A nice little story playing on childhood fears.  It has the same fable like quality of "Sacred Heart."  I wonder where the fear of the Tooth Fairy comes from, though.  Seems like the easiest protection racket ever, you give the tooth, you get dough and no problems.  Other than that, it flowed nicely.

Elis,

This one didn't come up for me during the voting. I only made it through 30 or so scripts.

I really liked your writing here, even more so than the mockumentary.

Due to the 5 page maximum you couldn't do this, but I would suggest if page limit was not an issue to break up the action a bit more. For example:

Sam climbs into bed, mom kisses him, walks out. Sam falls
asleep. Fairy appears, hovers over Sam’s pillow, lifts all
four corners, finds nothing. Annoyed, she opens her bag.

This is really several different shots and should IMO be broken up in such.

Sam climbs into bed.

Mom kisses him, walks out.

Sam falls asleep. Fairy appears, hovers over Sam’s pillow, lifts all
four corners, finds nothing. Annoyed, she opens her bag.

Anyway, great short and if I had read this one during August I would've voted "Very Good".

Pia

What do fairies do with human teeth. that's what I want to know.

This was well written but offered nothing new to the tooth fairy mytho.  I like how tooth fairy sticks feet up nostrils of kid to make him open mouth. I hope for her sake and the kids she was wearing undies under her mini green dress cause if the kid woke up he would of got an eye full.

What happened at the end? it just sort of stopped. There is not even a The End. It just stopped and just when it was starting to get interesting.  

This was a pretty funny little story, I especially liked the little not at the end.  Seems like the Tooth Fairy really isn't one to mess with.  I take it the tooth is worth more than the small bit of money in her land.

Anyway, good work here...it was a nice light comedy, and I enjoyed it.

Thank you all for your reviews, deeply appreciated.

ABSteel, I noticed the error after the post it is INT. Thanks for picking that up.

shogun, glad you enjoyed it.

spencerforhire, good idea for the twist at the end. The only reason I made her come after an adult is because she held a grudge against Sam for not giving up his teeth as a child and was determine one way or another to get his teeth.

Don, you are quite correct on the age of a child losing their incisors, had to make him a little older for the story so I improvised. Didn't think that would be picked up.  

nwc2001,thank you for the read; I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

EBurke73, It has the same fable like quality of "Sacred Heart." you have a pretty good memory to connect my two scripts. Being limited to a 5 page entry, in one of our monthly comps on an other writing site, it was hard to put more into it and therefor, did not go into Sam's fear to much. I will probably look at putting a little more meat in the story. Thanks for your comment.

Pia, like me I only got to read 30 scripts as well, I have started early this month, to make sure I get through them all. I did cramp some of the actions only because of the page restriction, as you would know . thanks for the read Pia.

tonkatoughI hope for her sake and the kids she was wearing undies under her mini green dress cause if the kid woke up he would of got an eye full.   this honestly did not cross my mind, lol.
The end was a little short but this story was not suppose to be over 5 pages. I will rewrite and extend a little more on it. Thanks for the read.

Mike Shelton, thanks for your uplifting review Mike.


Once again, thank you all for reading this short.
Elis

I really liked this. The visuals are imaginative and are very funny. Would have liked to seen the Toothfairy really struggle to get under Adult Sam's big ol' adult sized head. In all, lots of comic potential that ended too soon.

Thank you Blakkwolfe. Glad you enjoyed it.
In my rewrite I am going to make it a little longer; even your idea gives me food for thought.
Cheers

Hey Elise, I just finished your short here and I thought it was pretty cute, there were a few lines here that really made me laugh   I think that the idea is pretty cool, a Tooth fairy with a bit of an attitude.  I think the set up was fine, Sam was a funny little kid.  The line "Punch-up" at the beginning seemed kinda weird, but maybe that is an Aussie saying, "fight" to me would sound more natural, but that might just be a cultural thing.  I loved how the Tooth Fairy left threatening notes, that cracked me up, I wish there was a little more of her.  Near the end felt a little of when Older Sam was at the dentist, His dialogue didn't seem natural at all, well this line did did "Since my freaky childhood trauma, the fear of losing any of my teeth haunts me."

All in all this was a neat little short.  good job.

This was a fun read. Definitely an interesting twist on the concept and well-written. I'd say I have the same questions about this particular tooth fairy as the rest of these guys do. Also, you've got too many parantheticals in your dialogue. They break up almost every handful of lines. I'd cut down on some of them. Most are unneccesary. Also, I'd like to see some sort of reaction from the older Sam upon reading the tooth fairy's note. The scene's just begging for one.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say about the story. All in all, a good use of what was probably less then five minutes, hehe. I liked it.

Quoted from The boy who could fly The line "Punch-up" at the beginning seemed kinda weird, but maybe that is an Aussie saying, "fight" to me would sound more natural, but that might just be a cultural thing.

It must be. It becomes a nightmare sometimes to use the English language and not knowing whether another English speaking culture will know what you're on about.

Thanks for reading theboy who could fly, Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from James McClung Also, you've got too many parantheticals in your dialogue. They break up almost every handful of lines. I'd cut down on some of them. Most are unneccesary.

I tend to use a lot of them when I write limited shorts to save on space, instead of action line.
This was a five page limit.
Having said this, I do agree it distracts from the reading.

Quoted from James McClung Also, I'd like to see some sort of reaction from the older Sam upon reading the tooth fairy's note. The scene's just begging for one.

I agree and I will in the re-write.

Thank you for the read and review James, much appeciated.
Glad it made you smile

Haha, I loved this one, Elis.

As somebody else has mentioned: you might want to limit the parentheticals a bit, but for the rest it was a good fast read. You did a great job on bringing Sam to life and, of course, the tooth fairy is simply cute (yet has a mean side to her). Placing her feet in his nostrils to open his mouth made me laugh. Good read.

Hey elis,

Thought this was very good.  Loved the idea of a grumpy fairy thieving teeth.  I do have to agree with James that there are a few too many parantheticals but overall your format and grammer were excellent.

I wanted to know why young Sam was so adament about no one touching his teeth.  What happened?  I like the way older Sam knows to look after his teeth and note idea was great.  Special mention to the feet up the nostril, genious!

I'm thinking - government warning advert for the looking after of oyur teeth, you know the ones you are forced to watch at school when your young.  Well maybe you don't know, It's a few years since I was at junior school and it was in England.

Anywho I'm waffling so I'll finish with a few kind words - enjoyable and entertaining read.

Hi Elis,

as everyone I've been quite seduced by your short. I made some comments after my reading but realized everything was told before me. All I can say, it's well done.

Keep entertain us.

Michel

Great story!

No problems for me. Very easy to read, and consistently interesting. It's cute, but at the same time, it's not. It's very disturbing when you actually think about it, but you made it work.

Keep writing.

movemycheese, thank you for reading. Glad you had a laugh. I have taken out most parentheticals in my rewrite. I will be posting it up soon. Thanks again.

alffy, thanks for the read and comment. I remember when I was a kid, we too had a campaign for healthy teeth in school. I don't know if this is still the case. A little out of touch with school events now, lol.

michel, thanks for the read. I will be posting a new version soon. Talk soon!

Sham, it could be a real scary thing if they existed, lol. But, then again, do they?
Keep your eyes opened at night.    Thanks for the read.


I took the liberty of checking my reviewers ages.
It has crossed all spectrums.
It's quite funny to see that we all have a little bit of a soft spot for fairy tales, no matter what age or genre types we write.

There is still a child locked in us somewhere

Hey, Elis this was a great little short. A well-written and very quick read, also a very interesting take on the whole tooth fairy thing. All in all, I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said already, so I'll just say good work. I had fun with this script.


Matt.

New script version now uploaded! 10th September.


Chism, thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it! Fuller version now updated.

What's that elis I don't understand your message...LOL.  Jesus the boldness of your text scares me!!

I enjoyed this a lot! I liked you how added the dad. That gives Sam's reason for not believing in the tooth fairy.

I also like the new ending. She's a sneaky little devil!

Good job.

Great re-write! You have given the tooth fairy good motivation for her deed.

You do not have FADE OUT at the end of your script.

Thanks for reading the rewrite guys.

I am seriously thinking of turning this into a feature.
I'll see how it pans out.
Thanks again ABSteel and Spencerforhire, glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Elis,

This was a good script. I found all the characters funny espeically Sam and Trixie. Their interactions were good. The story flowed well.

But I think Trixie should meet with Sam's father since his the one who started this defiance againt the toothfairy. Probably have one of his teeth taken out and meet the toothfairy. Lol. But's for a different story.

But I think a couple of things bother me:

I think Sam would not ignore the several threatening messages espeically where he found it and how it was written. I think he would investigate in who is doing this to him.

pg. 5 "Irate" I think you meant to spell "irriated".

When Trixie clogs Sam's nostrils, wouldn't Sam just open his mouth and breathe or swing his arm where the tooth fairy is at and shove her out of the way? I think we should see Trixie get a bit matter at this point to show since it adds more comedy to it.

I would like to know about the new teeth he recieves, were they surgical implemented?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I think Trixie should meet with Sam's father since his the one who started this defiance againt the toothfairy. Probably have one of his teeth taken out and meet the toothfairy. Lol. But's for a different story.

No, you are quite right, lol. I am furthering this into a longer script. I had a similar intention.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I think Sam would not ignore the several threatening messages espeically where he found it and how it was written. I think he would investigate in who is doing this to him.

He was too young the first time around and his mother reassured him, saying that it was just a piece of tissue; so, when he finds the note as an adult, he freaks, remembering something similar occuring in his past.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley When Trixie clogs Sam's nostrils, wouldn't Sam just open his mouth and breathe or swing his arm where the tooth fairy is at and shove her out of the way? I think we should see Trixie get a bit matter at this point to show since it adds more comedy to it.

Good suggestion!

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I would like to know about the new teeth he recieves, were they surgical implemented?

If you are referring to the 5 y.o Sam losing his teeth,...No they grew back, It was his baby teeth she pulled out.

Thank you for the read and feed back Mr. Ripley.

A mention that the Tooth Fairy has been noticed on SS and is being animated.

Thank you to all who took time out to read and review.
Will post a link when it is finished.
Elisabeth