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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Mister D. Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mister D.  (currently 4746 views)
alffy
Posted: September 10th, 2007, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren, here are my thoughts...

A few spelling and grammer errors but that's just nit picking.

I loved this idea, and Mister D was excellent.  One thing though, maybe I'd write Mr D rather than Mister D but that's just my preference.

You build up the action of Mister D's soul collection very well.  I start to feel a little sorry for Shelton and then you throw the serial killer in there - brilliant.

Mister D's dialogue was spot on and very amusing.  I did have some niggles though, surely mister D couldn't collect every soul in the world?  This leads me nicely onto my final thought, I liked the camera man idea but wondered who he was and why he was there - was he dead too?  I thought maybe if Mister D had, shall we say, helpers and he was training such one?  This gives you scope to carry on these tales, which I believe is your intention.

I hope you do write more of these cos I really enjoyed it, you now though have to keep this standard up with more situations - no pressure lol.

Good stuff Darren.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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chism
Posted: September 10th, 2007, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Darren,

This was a cool little short. Few spelling and grammar errors here and there, but it is otherwise well-written. Your concept is funny and interesting and I think you used it as well as it could have been in the actual writing, so well done for pulling it off.

Having said that, this script brought up a few questions about Mr. D and his profession and all that. For example, how many people around the world would have died while he was waiting around for Shelton to show up? Seems to me like that would throw off his entire timetable. Can Mr. D bend or freeze time? Can he be in more than one place at one time? I think it would be really cool if the interviewer asked a couple of these questions, because I know I was asking them. Would be pretty cool to have some answers.

Anyway, all in all, this was a fun read. Good luck with future writing.  


Matt.
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Gaara
Posted: September 10th, 2007, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads,much appreciated.

Well I'm not really sure what to do with the camera man yet, for now he is just someone for Mr D. to interact with.

Oh and as for those questions you asked Chism...they will be answered.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 11th, 2007, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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What a cute little tale.  

A documentary with death.  

There was a part in it that I had to stop and re-read though... when Mr. Shelton walked into the room and said, Hey what is this? What are you doing here?
It seemed to me like he saw Mr. D, but then Mr. D tapped him on the shoulder, and that is when Mr. Shelton turned toward him and got scared... so who was Mr. Shelton looking at when he first came into the room?

Other than that I loved it. It was simple, yet very interesting and entertaining. The kind of horror I enjoy the most with no blood or guts.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Gaara
Posted: September 11th, 2007, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah in my next rewrite I will try to make it a bit clearer, but Shelton is actually looking at the camera. Mr. D is hidden behind the door when Shelton walks in...the camera however is in full view.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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michel
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 2:55am Report to Moderator
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Nice story, well written. Mister D. is a real nice (and funny) guy (protocol, rules to follow...) but the story leads us to a too evident ending. A final trick is missing. I was hoping it would be then the interviewer's turn to die (or the cameraman). We know Mike is going to die and he does. I'm pretty sure you can surprise us. Sheldon's line could be: "What are you 2 doing in my--" before Mister D. taps on his shoulder.

Besides all this, you have a real storyteller's talent and an original universe. Good job for a first short.

Michel


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tonkatough
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Life's a bitch, You need a switch, It's time to go. Just call Mister D

Mister D is such a jolly chap. Fun idea having the big Grim talk to the camera Ferris Buller style. Nice touch.

This script was well written and I have no criticism at all- oh except one.

What the hell is a Protoplasmic soul? Should I be picturing Slimer from the Ghost Busters movie?


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gaara
Yeah in my next rewrite I will try to make it a bit clearer, but Shelton is actually looking at the camera. Mr. D is hidden behind the door when Shelton walks in...the camera however is in full view.


Oh, he's looking at the camera man! Maybe show the camera man's reaction to him.

I read other reviews of this one, and some people think that there is a serial killer with them in the room. The way I took it was that Mr. Shelton was the serial killer...

You may want to consider Mr. D being in one spot, then disappearing and reappearing in another. It may be cool for him to do that a few different times to confound Mr. Shelton.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Gaara
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
What the hell is a Protoplasmic soul? Should I be picturing Slimer from the Ghost Busters movie?


Pretty much  



Quoted from CindyLKeller
Oh, he's looking at the camera man! Maybe show the camera man's reaction to him.

I read other reviews of this one, and some people think that there is a serial killer with them in the room. The way I took it was that Mr. Shelton was the serial killer...

You may want to consider Mr. D being in one spot, then disappearing and reappearing in another. It may be cool for him to do that a few different times to confound Mr. Shelton.


Well the problem with the first point is that it is hard to show someones reaction when you never actually see them. Basically "YOU" are the cameraman. If this was a video game it would be a "First Person" one.

Yes Mr. Shelton is the serial killer, although it is only implied and not outright said.

I'll think about that last bit, it actually sounds like a fun little addition.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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GM
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

This was another funny short I've read today. Mr. D was hilarious. But a few questions:

How did the cameraman actually know where death was? I think it would be better to somehow introduce that the cameraman is following death. For example, Death waiting at the backdoor entrance for the cameraman to arrive. And then we see how things trangress.

The dialgoue seemed to bit on the nose at most times. For example on pg. 2, where the apple rolls out of death, that dialgoue. I think death would be more nonchalant in how he talks about getting people souls. I think he would prob say something like: "Don't get me wrong, my line of work is not listed under the top 10 best jobs cateogory, but someone's got to do it." That was just from the top of my head, but its more nonchalant than direct.

Other than that I think everything else is fine.

Hope this helps,
Gabe  
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Gaara
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, I'm glad you all seem to be liking it.

I will certainly take your ideas into consideration when I do the next rewrite.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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bert
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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With so many people swinging off this script, I thought I would give it a look.  The concept is sound, and even humorous, but I also see a lot of unrealized potential here, with plenty of room for additional installments should you decide to pursue that. It sounds like you are.

The unrealized part basically springs from the Mr. Shelton character.  Sure, Mr. D is the main show here, and the interviewer is a clever foil, but this story would benefit if the third piece of this puzzle were a bit more realized.

You hint at the serial killer angle, and I was intrigued at where you might take it, but then you took it nowhere, and that is a flaw.

You should have Mr. D and Mr. Shelton interact a bit, for comic effect or horror effect or whatever.  In any event, the story is quick enough that you can take that relationship further than you have.

But do not tell us anything about this interviewer.  IMO, there is no reason for us to know who that is.

From a production standpoint, I would point out that Mr. D need not be a skeleton.  You could even wring some additional humor from this if you gave your Mr. D a more unconventional appearance.  He could be overweight or Chinese or even a she for that matter. Or all three.

With the skeleton you are playing right into our expectations, and you should consider breaking with convention a bit to surprise us.

Anyways, the skeleton effects are humorous -- do not get me wrong -- but they would also add unnecessary weight to the budget.

It would be fun to learn more about the day to day experiences of your Mr. D character.  Be sure to give it some thought before diving into another one of these.  Have the details all worked out so you do not end up contradicting yourself later -- then reveal it little by little.

You could have some real fun with this, but we should also get to know whoever it is meeting Mr. D when he shows up -- with good deaths, not just heart attacks -- and pick good locations, too.

I would urge you not to neglect these pivotal "third characters" -- they will be the key to lending these tales true variety.  Good luck with them.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  September 12th, 2007, 9:29pm
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Zack
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

I'd say this is one of your better scripts. It's very comical. I kept thinking about that grim reaper from that Billy and Mandy show on cartoon network(don't ask). I didn't really have any complaints with it, so you get two big fat thumbs up from me!

~Zack~


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Gaara
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Hey Darren,

I'd say this is one of your better scripts. It's very comical. I kept thinking about that grim reaper from that Billy and Mandy show on cartoon network(don't ask). I didn't really have any complaints with it, so you get two big fat thumbs up from me!

~Zack~


heh don't worry about it. I love the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy so I have no problem with people comparing Mister D. to Grim.  



check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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marlinmarko
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Darren,

Enjoyed this revision very much, great natural dialogue between both characters! Although maybe alittle more fear or at least tension from the interviewer, something similiar to interview with the vampire. He's a pretty cool cucumber considering is interview subject is the grim reaper. But this was a great read, very entertaining. thanks
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