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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Double Carnage Moderators: bert
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  Author    Double Carnage  (currently 5426 views)
sniper
Posted: October 3rd, 2007, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tonkatogh,

Thanks for the read.


Quoted from tonkatough
The characters, the concept, the violence I found very ordinary wihich is a shame really cause your plotting and writing style is amazing. You have great skill with knowing when to start a scene and when to cut out at the right moment to leave me hanging for more.

Yeah, I can't claim that there's anything really new under the sun here, but it's my first stab at the horror genre so for me, everything is unchartered teritory .


Quoted from tonkatough
While the killings, the inbreed killer monsters and fleeing victims has all be done before, one thing that did really stand out and impress me was the lynch mob. You kept me reading wanting to find out more. And then the mob all kneel before Freak daddy as if he is a preecher or some leader. What's going on? I was intrigued and astounded.  I wanted to know more.

I guess that could have been explained a bit more but I didn't want it to distract from the basic plot. The way I see it - in this particular story - it's not really that important why the townsfolk do what they do, the key is that they ARE doing it and then have the characters react to that. If this had been a feature then obviously it would require an explanation.


Quoted from tonkatough
You used this idea to great effect and kept stringing me along with it.  Why are they filled with killing lust? Why are they all skinny and half starved? Why are they obeying Earl? Best of all you gave nothing away and I am guessing all my questions will be answers  in the sequal.

True - but it will be a prequel.


Quoted from tonkatough
All in all you are a great writer and your stories deserve to more then just retreading over a tired stale old concept.

Thank you for the kind words, like I said it's a new genre for me.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Zack
Posted: October 3rd, 2007, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey tonka, thanks for the read. I'm glad you enjoyed it. If filmed, I believe the weed whacker scene would be the one of the nastiest scenes ever put on film.

~Zack~
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Seth
Posted: October 4th, 2007, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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I appreciate that this genre is less demanding in terms of character development. Even so, I would have felt more invested in the outcome had I the chance to get to know at least a couple of the main characters. As it is, I don't give a lick about any of 'em. And I should.

I also, as others have commented, feel there needs to be an explanation, something that explains the existence of Earl's zombie-like minions. Yes, perhaps this will be answered in a prequel. Still, as it is, it reads as if the writer dropped the ball. That said, you should, imo, consider reworking it.  

Your descriptions of Gunther and Earl were great. You're an excellent writer...the beginning, in particular, I thought was well written -- it just all got a little muddled for me in the end. To be honest, I had a difficult time maintaining focus, mostly due to my not feeling invested in the characters.

Seth  


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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sniper
Posted: October 4th, 2007, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Seth,

Thanks for the read and review.


Quoted from Seth
I appreciate that this genre is less demanding in terms of character development. Even so, I would have felt more invested in the outcome had I the chance to get to know at least a couple of the main characters. As it is, I don't give a lick about any of 'em. And I should.

I also, as others have commented, feel there needs to be an explanation, something that explains the existence of Earl's zombie-like minions. Yes, perhaps this will be answered in a prequel. Still, as it is, it reads as if the writer dropped the ball. That said, you should, imo, consider reworking it.  

Your descriptions of Gunther and Earl were great. You're an excellent writer...the beginning, in particular, I thought was well written -- it just all got a little muddled for me in the end. To be honest, I had a difficult time maintaining focus, mostly due to my not feeling invested in the characters.

Seth

While I don't necessarily agree with you about the characters, you make a good point none the less. Yes, the interaction/relations between Earl and rest of the townsfolk is barely touched upon and it seems (from all the other reviews as well) that this matter needs to be addressed for this story to really work. Point taken.

BTW, I was heavily inspired by your dialogue/tongue in "Diplopia" as you can probably tell.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Seth
Posted: October 4th, 2007, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
Hey Seth,

Thanks for the read and review.


While I don't necessarily agree with you about the characters, you make a good point none the less. Yes, the interaction/relations between Earl and rest of the townsfolk is barely touched upon and it seems (from all the other reviews as well) that this matter needs to be addressed for this story to really work. Point taken.

BTW, I was heavily inspired by your dialogue/tongue in "Diplopia" as you can probably tell.

Cheers
Rob


About the characters, I think, having read, and loved, Sic Semper Tyrannis, I was expecting something that was not only intense physically, as this is, but emotionally as well. You touched on this a bit with the father/son/divorce angle.

Inspired by Dipolpia? very cool. I don't think my work has ever been an inspiration -- so, thanks!

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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sniper
Posted: October 5th, 2007, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Seth
About the characters, I think, having read, and loved, Sic Semper Tyrannis, I was expecting something that was not only intense physically, as this is, but emotionally as well. You touched on this a bit with the father/son/divorce angle.

Inspired by Dipolpia? very cool. I don't think my work has ever been an inspiration -- so, thanks!

Seth

Well, when Zach approached me about doing Double Carnage, he wanted me to write a 40 page short. That gave me 10 pages for act 1 and 20-25 pages for act 2. My worries were that if I had to develop the characters a lot more than what I did, then the first act would simply be too long and I was affraid that it would turn people away.

The second act would pretty much have to be all about the gore. Yes, there is that slow paced scene in the school where the divorce thing comes up, but I simply didn't have time (pages) to go deeper into that. Actually, looking back at it now, I think that scene is a bit too long. It was a really tough juggle: pace vs info.

And, oh yeah, the "I is your daddy" bit in Diplopia really blew me away. Monster creepy!

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Limey
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys

I'm a newbie to the site and haven't posted any scripts yet but thought I'd do a little pre-emptive reviewing in the hopes that some kind soul will take pity on me and return the favour when I finally finish something

I see there's been quite a few reviews already so I've tried to avoid covering the same points...

EVIL

I’m not really a fan of revenge flicks or ultra-violence so this isn’t my cup of tea. I don’t know much about the conventions of this genre but what I would say is;

I think someone else said it but the dialogue between Burt and Mable is a bit sickly – maybe tone down the “I love you’s” and show it with action

Did Burt hit the car on purpose or by accident? I read it as being an accident and it seems a bit of a coincidence… but I couldn’t think of an alternative so waddyagonnado?

I don’t really like the VO flashbacks – I don’t think you need them, it’s clear enough why Burt doing what he’s doing

There have been quite a few comments about who should get tortured and why with most people plumping for Brett. Personally I think you’ve got the most shocking option by having the more “innocent” of the three bear the brunt of the hurt. For me it would be even more shocking if you could generate more sympathy for Megan. Maybe she wasn’t in the car at the start when Brett and Lenny discussed killing someone so didn’t know the plan. And maybe add something more sympathetic to her backstory (like why they wanted the money). Or have Brett accuse her of masterminding the whole thing to try and save himself (a classic (clichéd?) bully – coward) and Burt believe him (before shooting him). I just feel this would give it even more impact although I can see how it would go against the idea of evil being punished.

The weed whacker’s kind of random… where did he get that idea from? Perhaps in the opening scenes you could have Burt using it - you could get a nice bit of foreboding going on with him chopping down weeds. Upon returning later he notices it lying around…

I hope that hasn't come across as too negative - like I say, I'm not big on this sort of story so have no idea if this is a good or bad example of the genre!


EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW

Overall I really liked this. Technically spot on (not that I know anything) with nice pacing, some choice one liners and great visuals (sewing his mouth shut – tasty)

As far as constructive criticism goes;

An opportunity I think you could make more of is the emotional dimension of cannibalism. Yeah, it’s disgusting that they eat humans… but knowing that they’re going to eat your relatives, that takes it to another level. I know you touched upon it in a few places but I’d like to see it have a greater impact on the characters and their decisions. As an aside I thought maybe you could have the family driving to a funeral – cue discussion about their feelings on cremation vs burial (and being eaten by worms etc). Might also allow some more development of the character’s on an emotional level – one of the kids is whining about having to go to the funeral of a distant relative they barely know vs the parent’s view on familial duty and how this changes through the story. Just a thought

I’m not a big fan of the newspapers in the school bit. I think it’s clear enough from the kitchen and the bodies in the basement that they’ve been killing people. Perhaps use the space for more character development

Having a whole mob turn up as soon as the car arrives at the library jarred a bit for me. Where were they all (was it some kind of ambush)? I’d expect them to turn up in small groups having been scattered around the town – they could still have the same effect of splitting up the cast

Also couple of minor points that I don’t think weaken the story but got me wondering;

Only two dozen buildings – how did the townsfolk not find them!?!

If Earl suspected that they’d come back for the cars, why didn’t he just disable their engines? I don’t know much about cars but I’m guessing you could crawl underneath and mess things up without it being obvious to anyone looking at the car. Given that you get some nice mileage (ha ha) out of having the car in working order, I wouldn’t change it though

Something random just popped into my head – any chance of making one of characters vegetarian and then have them bite their way out of a fight with the townsfolk?


Hope this is useful and not too offensive

Cheers

Adam


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sniper
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Adam,

Thanks for the review and the pointers.


Quoted from Limey
I'm a newbie to the site and haven't posted any scripts yet but thought I'd do a little pre-emptive reviewing in the hopes that some kind soul will take pity on me and return the favour when I finally finish something

I owe you one, just give me a holla when you've got something you want me to read.


Quoted from Limey
EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW

Overall I really liked this. Technically spot on (not that I know anything) with nice pacing, some choice one liners and great visuals (sewing his mouth shut – tasty)

Hehe  


Quoted from Limey
An opportunity I think you could make more of is the emotional dimension of cannibalism. Yeah, it’s disgusting that they eat humans… but knowing that they’re going to eat your relatives, that takes it to another level. I know you touched upon it in a few places but I’d like to see it have a greater impact on the characters and their decisions. As an aside I thought maybe you could have the family driving to a funeral – cue discussion about their feelings on cremation vs burial (and being eaten by worms etc). Might also allow some more development of the character’s on an emotional level – one of the kids is whining about having to go to the funeral of a distant relative they barely know vs the parent’s view on familial duty and how this changes through the story. Just a thought

I really like your idea about them driving to a funeral, that would be a good approach and obviously it would be a very emotional opening. I think there's real potential in that.


Quoted from Limey
I’m not a big fan of the newspapers in the school bit. I think it’s clear enough from the kitchen and the bodies in the basement that they’ve been killing people.

That might have been overkill. Point taken.


Quoted from Limey
Having a whole mob turn up as soon as the car arrives at the library jarred a bit for me. Where were they all (was it some kind of ambush)? I’d expect them to turn up in small groups having been scattered around the town – they could still have the same effect of splitting up the cast

Yeah, it was certainly a cheap trick - I was going for the shock effect.


Quoted from Limey
Only two dozen buildings – how did the townsfolk not find them!?!

They're stupid  . No, I didn't want the town to be too big, just this little shitehole that no one would ever notice. About them not finding them, well - and I should probably have explained that further - but it would make sense that the townsfolk would search the outskirts of the town as well therefor the search would take longer.


Quoted from Limey
Hope this is useful

It really was and thanks for the pointers.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Zack
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review Limey. Yes, the car accident was an accident. Let me know when you've got something up.

~Zack~
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tomson
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys,

Thought I'd give this one a read. Only had time for the first one today, will try to read the second one tomorrow.

EVIL SPOILERS:

This was pretty well written IMO, nicely broken up action descriptions made for an easy read. Quite a few typos however, but I'm sure you can fix those.

The story itself isn't exactly original and I felt like Id seen it before. Bank robbery and torture....

I would strongly suggest that you change Burt and Mabel's ages. You have them at 40 and 45 at the moment, but they act and talk more like they were 60+! Maybe even 70! If they were that age, then their house being decorated with 50's furniture would make more sense too.

Brett's dialogue on page 2 is not formated correctly.

Lenny seems like a complete whimp from the get go. You also have him crying after the robbery. I would rather see him angry when he thinks he had killed someone for what he believes is "nothing". That would also work better with the following scene with the robbers where Lenny is suddenly laughing instead. His emotions seem to be all over the place if you know what I mean.

Next problem for me is the country bar. I admit that I haven't frequented any bars in almost two decades, but I do know a few "country" folks and more than a handful of bikers and they wouldn't go to the same bars. Bikers in a country bar just doesn't ring true to me. You even have the bartender being a big heavy guy with lots of tattoos... I don't know, maybe it's just me, but...

The shooting of Lenny came as a surprise, I'll give you that.

Even though Mabel was killed, I still had some problem with Burt's change of carachter. He seemed like a nice gentle loving person in the beginning, but he changes into a sadistic and brutal person. I understand his anger, but I thought that leap was too big.

Also had a problem with Brett being killed so quickly. No real pain involved there. Instead Burt takes out all his anger on Megan... Would've worked better for me if Brett had suffered instead.

What happened to Lenny's body? Did I miss something?

Anyway, it was a fast read and sort of enjoyable, but I think you can rewrite it into something more unique and more likable carachters. Burt included.

Any questions, feel free to ask.

Pia
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Zack
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia, thanks for the read. I'm glad youwere able to get some enjoyment out of it. What did you think of the gore? I'm aware that the script is alittle flawed and that it definetly needs a re-write. I'll get to that when I become inspired.

~Zack~
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sniper
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tomson
Brett's dialogue on page 2 is not formated correctly.

That's my fault, pia. When I transfered Zack's script from Celtx to Final Draft I must've screwed up.  


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Zack
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Don't worry about that rob, stuff like that always happens when you transfer scripts.

~Zack~
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Shelton
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Zack,

Did you change one thing in the two months between me reading this and you submitting it?

It doesn't look like it.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Zack
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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No. To be honest, I'm lazy... Kinda wish i would've, though...

~Zack~
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