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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Double Carnage Moderators: bert
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  Author    Double Carnage  (currently 5425 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Zack,

I think that you've got mostly a clean looking script, but I feel that it lacks some depth.  Yet that's not the point in what you are trying to achieve here.

You are going for the gorno audience, so I think it works there.  You at least have direction in knowing what it is you are trying to achieve.

You have so little in the way of typos, I'm not going to bother.

My only real problem with this is I think because it's been done to death, you need to work harder to make it your own.  What is going to get it the attention?  There are probably thousands of similar scripts floating around, so we've got to be pretty crafty.

For me, it's as though we can plug in any stock "bad guy" characters and they'd be the same in this script and that's not always a good thing.  Keep in mind though, that I understand that this type of flick doesn't rely on characters so much, but what I'm thinking of though is if you want to be successful, maybe you do have to dig a little deeper there.

I did feel that there was good pacing in this.  I was truly engaged when Lenny was having a hard time and didn't want to go through with it.  What I'm thinking, is maybe he DOESN'T.  He royally screws up the operation and then something else happens.

I don't know, I feel that the writing is fairly crisp for script form, but it lacks a little luster.

For this genre, I think you've done well, but I would like to see more intrigue and implication than just the splattering of blood.

You've accomplished a lot however in a short time.

You put in some good stuff there with Burt and Mable, it was a short but sweet scene and who could ever imagine Burt turning into what he did?  I think it can work, but maybe we need to see him flying off the handle more--see a build.  

I wrote something once that when I look back it was laughable because it came out of nowhere.  My intentions were good, but I didn't have the build so I royally screwed up there.

You know, I'm reading from a bit of a jaded perspective.  I can read or watch some awful stuff and it doesn't phase me.  It's like "Oh no!  This again... and what frightens me isn't the scene, it's the fact that I'm immune.  And I'm talking about apparently good shows on television for instance.

The shows that I find more striking are the ones which are more implied.  I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes less is more.

I think that over all you did a good set up with this.  You're not verbose.  

I really liked the basement scene you drew up.  I thought to myself, I can see it.

I'd like to see it end with the shot of the massacre and the voice over of: "No matter how slow you get, I'll wait for you."  Then perhaps a retreat back to the quiet looking exterior of the bucolic farm house as it was in an earlier shot.

I will do the part two of this tomorrow.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Zack
Posted: October 18th, 2007, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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What it lacks in depth, I hope it makes up for with gore. Thanks for the read Sandra, glad you liked it.

~Zack~
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 18th, 2007, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Double Carnage Part Two: Every Knee Shall Bow

I think one of the real positive things about the writing here is its succinct form.  It's not with pretense and is hardly bulky.

Sometimes people try and come up with all kinds of apparently new inventive ways to say something just because they're afraid of cliche, but then it gets more ridiculous than the beauty and simplicity that a cliche gets across.

I want to point out Rob, that some of your scenes are perfect because you're telling straight up in the most direct way possible and to me, it doesn't matter if it's been used before.

The rain hammers the windshield, the wipers working overtime.  Soft music fills the air.

This is simply effective and doesn't draw attention to itself.

Considering the story itself, it's definitely fitting into the mold of a genre film and I think that was your intention so you've succeeded at that.

My only trouble with it is (and I've said this before) is the amount of these kind of things floating around is probably fairly high and so I'm not seeing as much originality here as I'd like.  I feel as though I've seen this very same film before.

It's my personal opinion, that this could be made into a more memorable film by taking the format you already have which uses the "calm before the storm" style opening and create more intrigue.

The part where we see the old guy with his decayed teeth and the weird balding woman could be played more I think.  As I mentioned to Zack, I think you can work more with intrigue and not just gorno, but I do understand that there's a market for it without really even any plot or character development, so my comments here are specific to a different audience I suppose.  

The young gorno audience I think will like this as long as you give them what they want.  An older gorno audience will have seen all of this before and it won't fill a demand for them and finally, those who aren't a gorno audience--well, they don't have to see it or buy it.

Good image with the roaches spilling out onto the floor; this being a gentle sunset compared to some of the others.

I think on pg 47 Earl's dialogue is supposed to be Gunther's.

pg 50 [the] *they

Most of the writing is brief; however, the following might be trimmed and left for the set people to draw up:

pg 55

>The two-story building, scarred and defaced by time and man,
rests near the outskirts of the town. Surrounded and
partially covered by thick patches of weed, the school looks
like it was abandoned decades ago.
Old wooden boards cover most of the windows...

A word on this, even in regular novels, scenery is often boring unless it's built into a character's reaction with it so I would maybe trim it.  Give enough to work with for the read and that's it.

pg 57 >gonna eat [mom] should be capitalized.

I like Sean's line on pg 63:

The thought did cross my mind.

pg 63 I think you did a good job laying out this scene with Sean fighting to escape in the car. One typo there >he [hands puts the car]

pg 65 definitely is working well with the gore element:

>he pops his internal organs back inside, but Gunter [typo] grabs the intestines and yanks them hard.

pg 70 Excellent visual with the sign: "Hope to see you again soon."

pg 41 You've got Brad saying Earl's line by accident.

pg 45 [farther] typo

It's my feeling that "Every Knee Shall Bow" is well crafted for its purpose.  It's not trying to be some kind of deep film and it's not trying to pretend that it is anything else but what it is: a teen horror flick.

Although this has been done before, it nevertheless is well done.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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sniper
Posted: October 19th, 2007, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandra,

Thanks for the review.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
I think one of the real positive things about the writing here is its succinct form.  It's not with pretense and is hardly bulky.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
I want to point out Rob, that some of your scenes are perfect because you're telling straight up in the most direct way possible and to me, it doesn't matter if it's been used before.

Yeah, I try to write pretty short sentences when ever possible. First of all it's easier to read and second it generally looks better to the eye. I think descriptions should only tell the most important things like setting a tone the drives the story forward.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Considering the story itself, it's definitely fitting into the mold of a genre film and I think that was your intention so you've succeeded at that. My only trouble with it is (and I've said this before) is the amount of these kind of things floating around is probably fairly high and so I'm not seeing as much originality here as I'd like. I feel as though I've seen this very same film before.

I think I mentioned this earlier but this was my first stab at this genre, so from that perspective this is all new territory for me. But I agree that this is not particular innovative. I was going for the typical thrills you'd see in a horror/slasher. On the other hand I thought that it worked pretty good.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
The part where we see the old guy with his decayed teeth and the weird balding woman could be played more I think.

They were just put in there to set up the weirdness of the town but I understand what you're saying.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Good image with the roaches spilling out onto the floor; this being a gentle sunset compared to some of the others.

I agree  


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
I think on pg 47 Earl's dialogue is supposed to be Gunther's.

No, it's Earl's dialogue, he is saying it to Gunther.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
pg 41 You've got Brad saying Earl's line by accident.

Jeez, I completely missed that one. You're absolutely right, that's a screw up.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
It's my feeling that "Every Knee Shall Bow" is well crafted for its purpose.  It's not trying to be some kind of deep film and it's not trying to pretend that it is anything else but what it is: a teen horror flick.Although this has been done before, it nevertheless is well done.

Thanks for the kind words, Sandra. I'm glad you liked it.

Again, thanks for the review and the proof read  

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tomson
Posted: October 19th, 2007, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
What did you think of the gore?


I don't have a problem with gore as you might know, you read "Dark Side of Man".  
My problem was Burt going from such a nice loving guy to a sadistic murderer. That leap was too big for me.

Sniper,

I just spent 20 minutes writing up a review for your script. I hit post and got a server erroe page. I could not find my comments anywhere so I will do it either later tonight or tomorrow. Very frustrating.  
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sniper
Posted: October 19th, 2007, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tomson
Sniper, I just spent 20 minutes writing up a review for your script. I hit post and got a server erroe page. I could not find my comments anywhere so I will do it either later tonight or tomorrow. Very frustrating.  

I've had that happen to me too. Major bummer!!! But I'm sure you had nothing but praise, pia  


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tomson
Posted: October 21st, 2007, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
I'm sure you had nothing but praise, pia  


If you want praise I can sure give it to you, but I'm going to assume that you want me to point out somethings that to me could improve this some too.

Now it's been a few days since I read it so I may not remember all the carachters names.

I think your writing is fine. Better than good even. IMHO however, your writing is better than the story. Maybe I'm one of those old "gornos" that Sandra mentioned because I did feel that there was nothing new here. Seemed like I've seen it all before. Sometimes it felt like TCM. The diner and the old gas station parts both reminded me of a short that I think James wrote long time ago and the strangling with the intestines was in Jordan's SPOILED script. I am not at all saying that you copied them, but only pointing out how there was nothing unique here. I really think you can come up with something more interesting here. I know you can.

You did a good job with your "normal" carachters. I thought they were nicely developed and I cared for all of them right away.

My problem was with the cannibalistic inbreds you had in this script. Mostly their dialect. I understand what you were trying to do, but as a person who's lived in the south over two decades and regularly comes in contact with real rednecks/hillbillies/blacks/ farmers and whatever, I think you failed with the dialect. I mention all those groups of people because I felt sometimes it sounded a little like a person from either of those groups. You added a lot of s's to a lot of the words, but to me at least, it was mostly the wrong words. I think if you at least toned that part down some, it wouldn't come across as so wrong. Right now, I don't think that part works, but that might just be me too.

If you think I sound harsh it's only because I've read SECOND DRAFT so I know you are quite capable. If I hadn't read that one, I might have tried to just give you praise. I know you can fix this one up to be great.

Hope you take this the way it was intended. To be helpful for the rewrite.  

Pia
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sniper
Posted: October 22nd, 2007, 4:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey, pia (creepy new avatar you've gotten yourself there)

Thanks for the read and the excellent suggestions


Quoted from tomson
I think your writing is fine. Better than good even. IMHO however, your writing is better than the story. Maybe I'm one of those old "gornos" that Sandra mentioned because I did feel that there was nothing new here. Seemed like I've seen it all before. Sometimes it felt like TCM.

Yeah, I agree that - story wise - there's not much new under the sun here. but, as I mentioned in a previous post, I'm just getting into this whole horror/slasher genre so I definitely went with something I though could work without going overboard in the 'new territory' department. You've gotta crawl before you can walk I guess.


Quoted from tomson
The diner and the old gas station parts both reminded me of a short that I think James wrote long time ago and the strangling with the intestines was in Jordan's SPOILED script. I am not at all saying that you copied them, but only pointing out how there was nothing unique here. I really think you can come up with something more interesting here. I know you can.

Damn, I actually thought the 'strangling with the intestines' bit was pretty original. At the end of the day I guess it wasn't (I've gotta watch and read a lot more horror flicks). What about the first kill (the sucking on the arm and the cleaver between the legs)? Please allow just a fraction of originality here  


Quoted from tomson
You did a good job with your "normal" characters. I thought they were nicely developed and I cared for all of them right away.

Yeah, I thought they came across pretty good. I mean there's not really anything unusual about them, they're just like normal people in the wrong place at the wrong time.


Quoted from tomson
My problem was with the cannibalistic inbreds you had in this script. Mostly their dialect. I understand what you were trying to do, but as a person who's lived in the south over two decades and regularly comes in contact with real rednecks/hillbillies/blacks/ farmers and whatever, I think you failed with the dialect.

Well, I intentionally left that part a bit murky - maybe a bit too murky. Actually, as TJ has already pointed out, the geography and dialect don't add up. But I wasn't going for any particular group of people here. I never say that they are black or from the South or whatever, I just wanted them to came across as 'not like you and me', like they have been isolated for a long time (without any real school or education to speak of).


Quoted from tomson
I mention all those groups of people because I felt sometimes it sounded a little like a person from either of those groups. You added a lot of s's to a lot of the words, but to me at least, it was mostly the wrong words. I think if you at least toned that part down some, it wouldn't come across as so wrong. Right now, I don't think that part works, but that might just be me too.

I guess it's a matter of taste how that type of dialogue should be done. Could we at least agree that it set a tone for the specific character?


Quoted from tomson
If you think I sound harsh it's only because I've read SECOND DRAFT so I know you are quite capable. If I hadn't read that one, I might have tried to just give you praise. I know you can fix this one up to be great.

That's the problem with writing something good (and I'm not trying to toot my own horn here) but everyone expects something better or at least just as good. I am pretty proud of this script but sure, it could work better.

On a related note, I am currently working on a prequel to 'Every knee...' that goes all the way back to the birth of Earl and I might have to tweak this script a bit so that they work together as ONE story.


Quoted from tomson
Hope you take this the way it was intended. To be helpful for the rewrite.  

Of course I do, pia. And thanks again - I value your opinion (even if you're a Swede  ).

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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James McClung
Posted: October 27th, 2007, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

I did an exchange with sniper a while back but forgot you were also on the bill. Sorry about that. Anyway, better late than never...

I don't really have a lot to say about this one considering how short it was and I can't say it was littered with grammatical or even logical errors. With that said, I'll try to give you the overall scope of what I thought. I thought it was a little strange that Burt ends up being the "bad guy" and the robbers, the victims. This seemed way off IMO. You can't really feel for these guys at all. Maybe Lenny but he gets offed pretty quick so there's no point in mentioning him. I did, however, think he got over shooting Mabel a little too quick. Anyway, in regards to the other two, they really were quite dispicable. Brett was the worst of them, easily overshadowing Meagen and Lenny in the "evil" department. With that said, I was disappointed that you received the torture for Meagen and let him get off light. I wouldn't preferred he got the barbed wire to the face and left the ear munching to Meagen. You'd have more of a ballance that way, as well as making sure everyone gets what's coming to them.

Still, I didn't see how this was really horror. The gore was pretty good and relatively creative but the guy who's committing it seems to be a good guy. Obviously, it's a little disturbing a "good guy" would do stuff like this but since these robbers are so nasty, it's hard for that to sink in. I think if they were a little meaker and unsure about the robbery, this would be a little more effective as a horror movie.

Sorry again for the late review. Hope it helps anyway.


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bert
Posted: November 18th, 2007, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Comments for Every Knee Shall Bow (Spoilers):

So, poring over the Sniper library, I decided that this is the one that most suited my fancy.  I have glanced at the previous comments -- but only enough to see that response has been pretty favorable -- enough so that you have actually been convinced to pen a sequel.

Right off, I notice it reads fairly tight.  I can tell already that you are pretty good at this.  So there is your praise.  Now on to the rest of the stuff haha.  

I would have given a title to the book Lucas is reading.  Naming specific songs is frowned upon, and I noticed you already know that, but there is nothing wrong with giving a character a specific book.  That is a lost opportunity to tell us a little more about the character easily and visually.

What the heck kind of dialect are you giving these diner workers?  I kind of know what you are going for, but the choices you are making are unlike anything I’ve ever heard.  It is kind of distracting, actually.  And Earl should acknowledge Lucas recognizing the proverb.  That could have been an interesting interaction between your characters.  Especially later in the story.  Another lost opportunity.

I do not buy Danielle getting knocked out by a tossed arm.  Small point, but still.  The action with Helen is great.  Does Danielle even need to be there at all?  Can't she be looking for the bathroom and they just find her later?  If a character is inconvenient for a scene, and you find yourself going for the cliché knockout -- or even worse, falling asleep for no good reason (I really hate that one) -- I have found it sometimes helps to do a minor restructuring so the character is not even there at all.  Put them somewhere else, doing something else.

AHH!  The cell phone scene.  I just hate (hate!) that every horror movie now needs that damn scene where they establish that the cell phones are no good.  Sometimes you need it, but lose it here, or in the sequel, I beg you.  I mean, who are they going call anyway?  And later you do it again!  **grumbles**

About that gas pump.  Your flamethrower idea is nice, but it would not work.  The flames would travel right up the hose into the tank and the whole thing would blow.  You can use that explosion for an effect similar to what you already have, but Lucas would never be able to do what you have described.  I bet somebody has called you on this already, so sorry if I am repeating something you have already heard.

The remainder of the action is competently written.  I honestly have no complaints until the very, very end, which I do not quite understand.  Why do the townsfolk suddenly turn on their leader in his moment of need?  It would be a more effective conclusion if you set it up earlier somehow, with a suggestion of discontent, or perhaps showing Earl as a cruel and abusive leader.  It feels artificial, for lack of a better word, as you have it now.  It needs to be justified, or it is just kind of odd.  Kind of like you ended it that way because you thought you were supposed to.  Does that make sense?

You definitely have the set-up for a solid prequel.  I do not think you are just spinning your wheels with that idea.  Good luck with it.  We need to see Earl’s wife, and what happened to her.

I will check it out -- which should tell you all you need to know about how much I enjoyed this one.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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sniper
Posted: November 18th, 2007, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

Thanks for the read and suggestions.


Quoted from bert
I would have given a title to the book Lucas is reading.

Good point. In a previous draft, he was actually reading a Stephen King book, but I thought - like with music - that it's a big no no to mention titles. Will revisit that for sure.


Quoted from bert
What the heck kind of dialect are you giving these diner workers? I kind of know what you are going for, but the choices you are making are unlike anything I’ve ever heard.  It is kind of distracting, actually.

The dialect is kinda strange. Maybe too strange. I just felt I needed to make these guys stand out and a dialect is always an easy way to do that.  


Quoted from bert
And Earl should acknowledge Lucas recognizing the proverb.  That could have been an interesting interaction between your characters.  Especially later in the story.  Another lost opportunity.

I can see what you mean. I felt that the first act was already running a bit long so I didn't want to stretch it anymore than I already had. In fact, in a previous draft, that scene was much longer, Danielle was much more involved in that scene but I cut it do to pacing. But you're right, an exchange between Earl and Lucas would tie in better with the 'Sewing' scene at the end.


Quoted from bert
I do not buy Danielle getting knocked out by a tossed arm.  Small point, but still.  The action with Helen is great.  Does Danielle even need to be there at all?  Can't she be looking for the bathroom and they just find her later?  If a character is inconvenient for a scene, and you find yourself going for the cliché knockout -- or even worse, falling asleep for no good reason (I really hate that one) -- I have found it sometimes helps to do a minor restructuring so the character is not even there at all.  Put them somewhere else, doing something else.

Danielle doesn't need to be in that scene at all, and that's the only reason for her getting knocked out. I could probably cut her out of that scene and have her show up after Helen is killed.


Quoted from bert
AHH!  The cell phone scene.  I just hate (hate!) that every horror movie now needs that damn scene where they establish that the cell phones are no good.  Sometimes you need it, but lose it here, or in the sequel, I beg you.  I mean, who are they going call anyway?  And later you do it again!  **grumbles**

Those damn cell phones!!! Anyways, welcome to the twenty first century - everybody's got one. The only reason I put it in there was so that no one could come back later and say: "Hey, why didn't they just call the police?"


Quoted from bert
About that gas pump.  Your flamethrower idea is nice, but it would not work.  The flames would travel right up the hose into the tank and the whole thing would blow.  You can use that explosion for an effect similar to what you already have, but Lucas would never be able to do what you have described.  I bet somebody has called you on this already, so sorry if I am repeating something you have already heard.

Actually, you're the first to mention this. Okay, I don't know anything about how gas pumps would act in such a situation - but if Arnold could do it in 'True Lies' - then that's prove enough for me  


Quoted from bert
The remainder of the action is competently written.  I honestly have no complaints until the very, very end, which I do not quite understand.  Why do the townsfolk suddenly turn on their leader in his moment of need?

Ah, the end...It is very sudden I agree. The problem with this piece is that it needs some background info to work - and it will be there, once I've finished the prequel.


Quoted from bert
We need to see Earl’s wife, and what happened to her.

I'll let you in on a little secret...Earl has no wife in the prequel - but he has a mom!


Quoted from bert
I will check it out -- which should tell you all you need to know about how much I enjoyed this one.

Thanks for the kind words and the excellent suggestions. Glad you enjoyed it.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Murphy
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Hi, i have never written a script so feel awkward making comments on the work other people have put time and effort into crafting, so bear with me please. (you will get your chance when i manage to write something!) Just read this double bill and have a few comments.

Evil

I must say i did not really enjoy this script too much, don't get me wrong i am not against violence - i like Wolf Creek and the SAW movies for example but the violence at the end just did not feel right at all, it was pure torture porn of a kind normally reserved for complete maniacs. I just cannot see a normal loving man turned into such a monster in a short space of time. I appreciate it is a very short script and very hard to build a better story but it would have been more believable if a year had past in between the killing and Burt catching up with the killers, given him time to suffer and slowly turn mad alone in his home.
I just did not buy it at all, it was pretty horrible and made me think that Burt was enjoying it rather too much.

It was a good idea really but rather poorly executed, maybe with a feature length and turned into a more standard revenge flick where time can pass and Burt is on a mission to hunt down his wives killers it could be better. Some questions i felt could have been answered at the beginning included why was one drawer of money enough? How much was enough? Enough for what? it made it sound like they needed the money for a reason, but that was never explained. If all they wanted was money then why stop at one drawer?

Why did they have to kill someone? There was no explanation as to why this was necessary?

Sorry if this is a bit negative, It started well and it did leave me "turning pages" so to speak eager to find out where it was going, just never enjoyed it when i got there i guess.


Every Knee Shall Bow

Nice title by the way!

This was a pretty good crack at a tried and trusted genre, i know that Hollywood is getting littered with these movies though i am sure there are writers being paid fairly well to churn this stuff out so why not?

The whole eating people was an interesting twist and the action scenes were well written and did a good job of pulling the story along, though the non action scenes probably let the script down somewhat, some of the dialogue felt a but forced and i am not sure that anyone would act like they did 2 mins after finding the wives body in the way she was killed. But then again i guess thats what happens in these movies.

I know it has been said already but i did not like the scene with the newspaper clippings, i don't get the point. We already know there were other victims and can guess they were mostly people stopping for food or gas while traveling through. Your audience would have seen countless similar movies and already know what to expect from the genre. Maybe in a sequel it would be a good way to set the scene up for the next visitors, or even the children come back for revenge.

Overall though very enjoyable and if nothing else worth a read for entertainments sake, certainly a good script to help with my continuing education!


So thanks for taking the time to publish both scripts here guys, it is very helpful to read other peoples work and even if i don't enjoy a story it still gives me a great opportunity to see how different writers tackle tricky subjects and action scenes.

Thanks


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sniper
Posted: November 18th, 2007, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Murphy,


Quoted from Murphy
Every Knee Shall Bow

Nice title by the way!

Thanks - stole it right out of the Bible  


Quoted from Murphy
This was a pretty good crack at a tried and trusted genre, i know that Hollywood is getting littered with these movies though i am sure there are writers being paid fairly well to churn this stuff out so why not?

Yeah, I agree. It's not terribly original but I'm pretty proud of it as it is my first stab at the horror genre.


Quoted from Murphy
i am not sure that anyone would act like they did 2 mins after finding the wives body in the way she was killed.

I felt I had to maintain a decent pace and a long cry scene would not have fit in I think, but sure, one would probably be more in a shock after finding their wife like that.


Quoted from Murphy
I know it has been said already but i did not like the scene with the newspaper clippings, i don't get the point. We already know there were other victims and can guess they were mostly people stopping for food or gas while traveling through.

Okay, this might be overkill. Will have to revisit that scene in a future draft.


Quoted from Murphy
Overall though very enjoyable and if nothing else worth a read for entertainments sake, certainly a good script to help with my continuing education!

I'm glad you enjoyed it and I would like to thank you for taking the time to write a review and for the suggestions. Send me a PM when you've got something you want me to read.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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slabstaa
Posted: November 25th, 2007, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not a professional screenwriter, so use what ideas you like, and disregard the rest... (spoilers)

Evil.

Page 3 - The first thing I thought was cars say something about street people.  What would Megan drive?  Or what kinda car would her and the boys jack for the getaway?  Maybe have fun with that.

Then the dialogue.  "You leave that nervous shit here!"  "I'm gonna need you straight for this."  I tried reading it aloud to myself and it came off a little cheesy to me.  Being that Megan is supposed to be their getaway driver, I'd probably have Brett say something like "I don't need you fallin' asleep at the wheel."  To me it just sounds like a better response to her sparking up a j bone.

After the robbery I was expecting one of the three to turn on each other.  You had me laughing with Brett's comment about fucking the gun barrel, then you blew Lenny away.  Made me feel comfortable then ya got me.  Actually to be honest I was expecting Brett to betray both Lenny and Megan kinda the way Costner does with Arquette and Kurt Russell in 3KMTG.  Brett's greed made him whack out Lenny, why not Megan too?  His share would be bigger with both of them gone.  I mean it's not like Megan is his gf or anything, or at least I couldn't tell if she was supposed to be or not.

As for Megan's slow death, I could see you were aiming for gore but it definitely was over-the-top what with ripping ears off, doing surgery on scalps, and ripping someone a part with a gosh damn weed whacker.

If this was a movie, and the torturing kept on going for an extra amount of time, I would have turned it off.  That shit is just a turn off for me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think it was a bad short, it was ight, but maybe pull back on the splatterfest a little.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 26th, 2007, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Decided to give this one a read. I'd like to make a comment about how this is similar to Buckets of Blood so I'm going to have to be more mean-spirited about this one and such....Just kidding! (Yeah, I'm lame, I know)


Evil - Zack Akers
- I remember another Simply Scripter here who wrote scripts and all of his characters' dialogue ended with an exclamation mark, and I think it was Bert or Balt or someone here who always made a comment about it. When Brett talked, that's what it reminded me of, and it started to get annoying (almost as annoying as ALL CAPS). I imagined him yelling in that small car with three other people and I would've smacked the crap out of him if he were actually yelling, no matter how tough he was. So lighten up on the exclamation points.
- A few spelling errors towards the beginning of the script...Speaking of the beginning of the script, is that SUPER really necessary? It makes it sound like The Blair Witch project. And we're going to know what's going to happen to them, right? I haven't made it too far (since I'm reviewing while I'm reading) so we'll see.
- Burt reacts way too calmly about his wife's death. He goes pale and acts all calm. And I really don't think the bartender or biker should talk. Make it like an awkward moment where they can't think of anything to say. I think Burt should go to the bank rather than go home and call his son to tell him. He can go to the bank, figure things out, and then go home and call his son. Just a suggestion. Yeah....
- When Burt smashes into the back of the car, he had to be going really fast to make the car flip over like that. Burt should have had the wind knocked out of him and he should have stumbled out. You make it sound like he just mosied his way out of the car.
- I don't recall Bill screaming "Oh my God!" when Burt has his flashback.
- Page 19: I think you mean CUT TO BLACK.
- If Burt repeatedly stomped on Brett's head, I'm pretty sure he'd knock out teeth, his face would probably be too swollen for him to talk, or his head would litterally be cracked open and he could possibly die during the head-stomping process. I don't know how he's still alive.....I don't know, I'm not a scientist.
- I think Megan would have passed out from blood loss by now...
- No offense, but this is all way too drawn out. Megan's left cheek breaks open, her nose broken, her ear ripped off, her forehead pealed back, and now a weed whacker with barbed wire? This seems a little too far into the "disturbing" range because I seriously don't think that all of this should be focused on one person. You should have done some of that to Brett.
- Please don't tell me Megan's convulsions means she still alive. Impossible.
- The last SUPER is unnecessary. We know what happened to them, and I have no idea why people would suspect Burt to have something to do with it. Seriously, I don't.

Well I got through this. I enjoyed it. Sort of has a Hostel feel to it. Actually, it's a lot like Hostel, just with more revenge and stuff. You went all out on gore and torture, which I think you had way too much of with just one person (Megan). There were spelling errors scattered about so maybe you want to fix those up. Overall, I liked this. It truly is evil.

Sean
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