I didn't know you wrote this one otherwise I would have read it a while ago.

The following are just suggestions and does not mean I didn't like your script. I was only writing comments down while reading.

Writing DAY or Night is for the production of the film and helps in the pre-prod. Keep all specific times of day to be described in the action paragraphs following the scene headings.

"Business is better than usual, probably because the kids
are out of school for the Summer. "
Just mention it's busy. We have no idea what is usual or that the kids are out for summer. So far we don't even know from watching this that it is summer.

Would be nice to have some sort of description of Shelley too.

(cont'd) is generally not used any more, but if you feel you just have to use it, put it right behind the character's name, not underneath.

I'm disappointed. I thought for sure the line "Goddamn, that's a big rock" was going to come into play somewhere as a joke. Especially since Gerald apparently barely overheard it.

Tiffany carries $2,800 in her purse? no one I know carry that much cash around....

I think most phone numbers in film start with 555.

No need to use CUT TO's

All in all I found this enjoyable and I didn't see the whole scheme until the end. It feels sort of good when greedy, deceptive people have the tables turned on them.

Good job!

Pia

Quoted from pia (cont'd) is generally not used any more, but if you feel you just have to use it, put it right behind the character's name, not underneath.

Really?  I haven't even noticed people haven't been using that lately.  And now I feel kind of like an ass, because I read a script the other day and mentioned to the writer he should use (cont.), because he had mainly dialogue and it started to get really confusing who he had talking.  Looks like I have to go back and recant that suggestion.

Quoted from pia Tiffany carries $2,800 in her purse? no one I know carry that much cash around....

Lol.  A friend I used to date that was inspiration for Tiffany's character always carried a couple grand on her, just in case she did stop in at any clothes or jewelry store stores.  In fact, during one of our first dates, we were on our way to the beach and she saw a Camaro she liked for sale in somebody's driveway.  We stopped, she bought it, and we took that to the beach.  I used to carry a lot on me, but that was before I got into my little bit of trouble.  Then I found out, the hard way, that for some reason, when you carry large amounts of cash on you, the cops automatically accuse you of being a dealer.

Quoted from pia No need to use CUT TO's

Gosh darn it!  That just reminded me, I just sent in another script and I think there was one or two 'CUT TO's that I missed taking out.  So forgive me before hand on those.  I think there's some 'CONT.'s on that one, too.  I give you permission to kick me in the groin if we ever cross each other's paths at an awards show.  

Usually, I don't go for any huge 'Sixth Sense' or 'Planet of the Apes' twists, but I'm glad to see that the end of this one is catching a lot of people off their guard.  (Not that I hate twists, but a lot of times, if somebody tries to put in a huge twist, it just comes off as contrived to me.)  Especially in those teenaged horrors where the writer makes everybody the suspected killer at some point in the story, so the end's not really a twist.  It just seems like he went 'Inny Minny Miney Moe' with the characters and that's how he chose the killer.  ('Urban Legends' or 'Urban Myths', whatever it's called, is a huge violator of that concept.)

Thanks for taking a look at this.  I'm going to check out 'The Big Cheese' from you next.  Wow...  18 pages.  I've never read one of your epic's before.  

- Mark

P.S. - I'm not sure if 'Inny Minny Miney Moe' is spelled right.  I tried doing a spell check and it said it was wrong, but the only suggestion on how to spell it correctly was 'Itsy Bitsy Hillbilly Toe'.

Hi R.C,
Solid story, the abercrombie angle could have been pushed further, I unfortunately/fortunately work there and it's much much more ripe for amusement than you've suggested. There are lots of comedic angles you could have played the story from to get a few more laughs.  
Overall a funny story though, still a few extra possibilites for some more laughs from your story setting. Good job!

Hey n7,

Quoted from n7 Overall a funny story though

Hmm.  That comment kind of caught me off-guard, especially since nobody else has mentioned anything about this being funny and I had never really intended for there to be any humor at all, just a straight up idea for a scam.

But now that you mention it, I'm thinking there are a lot of things I can do to make this humorous.  (Right now I'm thinking of having one of the customers dressed in those fake-faded jeans, no shirt at all, but a thick scarf around his neck with a wool beanie on his head.  I've seen that model on your guys' wall a couple times)    I don't think I'd ever make it an all-out comedy, but I guess I could have poked more fun.

Thanks for taking a look at this.  And thanks again for checking out 'The No-No Door'.  :-)

- Mark

Mark,

Not much to add that hasn’t already been said.  
You might consider rewriting some of the intro scenes as a Montage.
Otherwise write in present tense – and write Active.  

On P. 3, Tiffany responds to Gerald with a “thank you” in two different bits of dialogue. That’s when I smelled a set up.  In her state of mind, she should be too overcome with worry to be polite.
But, maybe it’s intentional, considering where this story is going…  haha.

As for the reward, you might have Gerald doing a quick search for the ring ASAP.  Afterall, it’s worth $2,800. Heck, he’s a manager. If I were him, I’d get a sales associate to cover the register while I go on a treasure hunt.

Maybe Brandon’s too nice a guy, but he could have Gerald throw in a boat-load of clothes as part of the deal.  That would be pretty underhanded.

The setup/payoff at the end is pretty good. It’s a variation of scams I’ve seen before. Still, you pulled it off with panache. I always appreciate a good scam. Ever see George C. Scott’s “The Flim-Flam Man” or David Mamet’s “House of Games”?  Both very good films revolving around scams and hustles.

Finally, while I like the ending, as Bert said, cut it off after Gerald's phone call.

On that note, I'm not so sure Gerald would answer the public phone outside.  He might, but it seems that his focus has got to be on calling Tiffany.  Why should he care who's calling on the pay phone?
Instead of Gerald calling Tiff on the work phone, maybe he can call her with his cell phone.
This way you can use action/visuals for your payoff.
For example, Gerald could be calling Tiffany as he is locking up the store. Then as he is walking past the pay phone, he gets frustrated because Tiff isn't picking up his call. As soon as he ends his call, the pay phone stops ringing.  Maybe he notices the "coincidence" and maybe he doesn't.
Then he hits redial on his cell and the pay phone starts up again.
Can you see this visually?  The realization that maybe...  Naw, couldn't be.  Could it?
The expression on his face would be priceless.
Now he's got to answer the pay phone just to satisfy his own curiosity.

Anyway, I like the story and the snappy setup.  Just fix the beginning and ending (the anti-climactic scenes) and  "Glim" will really sparkle.

Abe

Hey Abe,

Quoted from Abe from LA Not much to add that hasn’t already been said.

Not much to add?  What's up with your next eight or nine paragraphs of improvements?  :-)  Lol.

Thanks for taking a look at this.  I've read some of your other reviews for other stories and they're always detailed, concise and to the point, with a lot of helpful suggestions, and I've been meaning to check out a story of yours.  'Neck of the Woods' is next on my list.  Do you have any others on here?

Quoted from Abe from La Maybe Brandon’s too nice a guy, but he could have Gerald throw in a boat-load of clothes as part of the deal.

I toyed around with that idea a little bit, but decided against it because of how Brandon said he hates Abercrombie & Fitches, hence he only rips the sandals off, which is about the only thing I'd ever take out of that store.  But, since I'll be chucking the last couple scenes, we'll never know his true feelings about A&F anyway, so I guess I could go for an all out rip-off.

And I loved 'The Flim-Flam Man', but I've never seen 'House of Games'.  I might have to do a bit of internet searching for that one tonight.

And, like I had said before, I'm chucking the final couple scenes and I do like your advice for Gerald and the little payphone scenario.  I didn't plan on doing any writing tonight, but I'm feeling kind of playful now, so I'll be rewriting that scene.

Anyhow, thanks again for the read and all the helpful advice.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Having just finished Cover I knew where this was going right away. You're a real sucker for scams, huh  

I thought the script very solid, a couple of needs to be fixed as other posters have pointed out - I thought esspecially the end where Tiffany turns into Alysia and Brandon into Caleb could have been done a bit smoother.

Anyways, good work on coming up with a good scam - it's not easy (not, that I have tried or anything).


Cheers
Rob

Lol.

Of the five or six scripts I have here on SS, of course you pick the two stories that were written for the same feature.  

I promise I write about other subjects than just simple little cons.  Bert just read two of my extremely brutally violent pieces I posted on here and I had to promise him that I am actually mentally stable.  Why won't anybody read my scripts in the order I want them to, damn it!  

But you are right, I do have a very sensitive spot for con films.  I love 'The Sting', 'Matchstick Men' and 'Criminal' and can watch them over and over.

I have taken 'Glim Dropper' out of the storyboard for the feature I was working on, though, and I'm letting it stand alone by itself as a short film.  I should be getting to the rewrite on this after I finish a couple feature projects on my board right now.  Hopefully, by then, I'll have enough money saved again to try and shoot this myself.

Thanks for checking 'Cover' and 'Glim Dropper' out again and once again, if you come across any other stories I've posted, I promise, you don't have to worry about it being a con.

Wow, Mark. I'm feeling a little weird here about the similarities on this and Taken for a Ride. We must have been on the same wavelength or something. Pretty eerie. Maybe that would make a good script, two guys write the same story without knowing it. Weird.

Only comment is that some of the dialog seems on-the-nose, but it might have to be that way since the characters are setting Gerald up. I had to deal with it as well in my version of this story.

I'm Ell-oh-ell-ing.

James

That would be kind of a cool idea for a story.  I'd say let's get together and collaborate on it, but what's the point?  We might as well just write it ourselves.  We'd end up with the same thing anyway.  :-)

Yeah, I did notice awhile ago that my dialogue was a little teenager-y, I suppose is the word, but I've recently turned this into a short story and fixed up a lot of the awkward dialogue and action.  Now I have to go back to this script and change it again.

I'm actually working on another popular con script now.  I just finished the storyboard for it last week and now I just have to put it into words.  I'm wondering if you'll come up with the same story sometime.  :-)

- Mark

I really like the simplicity of this script. Ordinary people and their ordinary lives. Your writing captured that perfectly. I would love to be able to able to write stuff like that.

The actual con itself was nothing special but I did like how the characters pulled it off with incredible ease.  

Hey, Tonka.

Thanks for taking a gander at this.  And I'm glad you did enjoy the simplicity of the script.  Usually, I tend to write a little... I don't know if melodramatic is the right word... but it's the first word that comes to mind.  So I'm glad this came off as more ordinary life.

The con itself is an old con used in the 1800's, so there's been a lot of variations on it.  I know it was real popular in the 1980's and 90's, but I'm not too sure if many people have been trying it lately.  It's a fairly simple con to pull off.  All you need is to find somebody who's greedy and it takes care of itself from there.

Thanks again for the read and I'll talk to you later.

- Mark

Heya
Very nice short, i really enjoy movies with cons and heists
This one reminded me a little of 'dirty rotten scoundrels'.
Anyways: the story was good, the hook was good and i didn't mind the  characters, which all made the script a good read ...
I disagree with some comments about the trimming of the end, I wanted to know what happened with Gerald, otherwise it would have felt unfinished (you have done this nicely)
Anyways, although the story has been done before you have certainly put your own touch on it.
Muchlove, Jayden

Hey Jayden.

Thanks for taking a look at this.

Lol.  'Diry Rotten Scoundrels'.  Wow, what a flashback.  I loved that movie.  (I have a sensitive spot for all Steve Martin movies...  'The Jerk' is in my top ten favorite movies of all time.  (And Sheldon's signature is in my top five quotes of all time.))

And thanks for talking me into keeping the last scene in.  Everybody else seems to dislike it, but I don't see how it can end any differently then Gerald taking the ring back to the same pawn shop Brandon had bought it from.

Thanks again.

- Mark

Hi Mark,

Loved the script, I remember using this con set up some years ago and I managed to find out the ending. But I still enjoyed it.

I read another script which has some similarities with this one, I guess this con must be extremely overused. Hehe

Well done.