Hey,

lol, that was pretty good. I don't think I have much to complain about. I thought it was written pretty well, dialog was pretty good. Nice concept. Henry was a good character and I thought you were able to characterize him pretty well in your 8 pages. Charlie was a little more bland but I guess thats his thing.

Uh, the only problem I kindda had with this is the abrupt change in tone. That felt like a pot hole in the road for me, but really I guess it's necessary and probably what you were going for.

Anyway, not a lot to complain about, the tone thing can be overlook and probably should be. So, overall really solid, I liked it.

Good Job.

Grand High Doctor sheepington  

hey,

i just have a few comments.  i think it could be compelling, but right now i have a problem in the tone shift.  it starts out as serious, but it isn't until page 5 that we start to see what's happening, but it's such a sharp change.  since it's a 9 page script, i really feel you need to get to that moment a few pages earlier because right now i'm not sure if i'm supposed to laugh or if it's a shocking revelation.  i also feel that during the fire the mother shouldn't be desribed as smiling, we know she started the fire already so it's not necessary.  i think the story would work better if it wasnt so explicit that she did these things-like she was never busted in her entire life for any of these things (like falsely accusing the people of rape, or trying to steal from the fund).  instead, we just see her bouncing from what appears to be tragic situation to tragic situation, but clearly the viewer realizes that no way all these things could be coincidences.  and like another reader said, 100k is way too much money.  anyway, these are just my 2 cents, good luck

Nicely done, unique concept. Good take on how salesman can find ways to exploit people as our society gets more and more tech savvy, and how well we really know our family members past.
Only complaint would be the small chunk of conversation between Charles and Henry near the end of pg. 2 regarding their names, it didn't really do anything for the momentum. Henry reminded me of a sleazy used car salesman, doing anything to make a buck.  maybe a little awkward small talk about the weather or sports, it wouldn't do anything for the story's momentum, but it could add a little bit of awkward tension between them.
The change from sort of a dark comedy to a more serious tone worked well. You eased into it nicely, wasn't sure where the story was going intially but the transition was built in well.  Good work.

Sorry,

I didn't catch these responses when they were fresh.

It seems kinda split on the turn. I made it that way so that you ride it out like Charles has too. Maybe a little foreshadowing in the small talk before hand. Also, I know I have to either drop the extorsion or establish Charles as wealthy. Thanks for the insight.

Hey, Tim.

Definitely a black comedy and done rather well.  Most of it works for me and I did shoot a look at other comments, and have to agree with most.

As for the issue of the $100,000 for a family-friendly DVD instead of the incriminating disk, you seem to want to stay with that amount. Not sure why.

Here’s a thought which doesn’t seem to fit this story, but you could make Charles a man of affluence.
He might enter Eternal Memories wearing an Armani suit, a Jaeger-LeCoultre watch, a diamond pinky ring, etc.
But based on his personality, I think not.
Charles is pretty plain and I guess you want it that way.

It still requires fixing.

Suggestion 1 is to set it up something like this: Henry asks for the $100,000, then tags on: “… surely within your means, Charles, considering that old bat left you quite a bounty.”

Or, suggestion 2.
Maybe the answer is to have Charles purchase the “Serenity” from the get-go.  The Rolls Royce of grave monuments.
Yessiree, the purchaser gets the “full package” all right, and in Charles’ case that includes facts that should also be buried with the deceased.

Anybody who is stupid enough to buy this package, is ripe for further bilking.

Note:  ages and dates don’t need the apostrophe – 60s, 1940s, etc.

Don’t need the MOS. Have Charles stroll to another area of the showroom, thus automatically distancing himself from the TV sound.  

Charles and Henry could use a bit more physical description.

I enjoyed the “research” Henry undertakes.  Nice touch there.

Maybe have Charles question the clause that gives him “Final Cut.”  Then Henry can counter, “Yes, you do indeed have the final cut. For your peace of mind. Cut me a check for $100,000.”

Fix – on Page 4.  Henry’s dialogue – Don’t worry.

I like that Red Line from NYC to Tennessee, followed by Henry saying “So our little firestarter hauled it south… ” What if Charles reads about the arson and the article is partially burned?  Haaa.
Anyway, I liked all the little digs about mom.

On Page 3, you write: "This obviously is news to Charles."  Show us through his Expression.

And I love that line, … until Mr. Tucker could no longer turn down Greta’s sexual advances.”  Ha, too funny.

Since Charles knew nothing of Mom’s past, have him rifle through all the clippings and speed read.  He shoudn’t take Henry’s word for any of this. His expression should show mounting exasperation with each article.
Once it all sinks in, then you can have him sob.

When you do a room change within the same facility, just offset it as

HENRY’S OFFICE

And continue on.

You can do the same for the
TV MONITOR
On page 1.  

I thought the dialogue was pretty tight. Some humorous stuff there.  It was a quick read, with good conflict and I like the old woman’s sinister and quirky past.

And Charles is really laid-back and I don’t have a problem with that.  The tone was fine.  You kept things from going over the top.

I’m still smiling…

Hey Tim,

This was an interesting read.  Is the DVD gravestone slideshow something you came up with, or is it something that might eventually become an actual practice?

Hmm.  I'm kind of curious.  I perused through a couple people's comments before writing anything, just to make sure I can bring something new to the table, and I have to admit, I clearly interpreted this story very differently from a couple of other people.

First of all, I think the tone during the whole piece is excellent.  I hope I read this right, because I'm not sure I found all the extreme humor that other people seemed to have found in it, and I'm not too sure if humor was something you were exactly going for in this.  Maybe I was just too wrapped up in figuring out Charles' feelings and the emotions he must be going through to miss the funny parts.  (I do admit, though, I got a laugh at the 'So our little firestarter...' line.)

That's why I liked the tone during the whole story.  To me, it didn't change from serious to funny, like a few have suggested.  To me, the tension built up even more as Charles learned more about the horrible truths of his mother.  Maybe I have to read it again, though, to make sure.

I saw you mention that maybe you were thinking about taking the extortion scenario out.  In my opinion, I wouldn't.  That's the whole drive of the story, I feel.  (And I'd be lying to say that I don't think funeral homes rip people off as it is already.)  Abe made some very good suggestions.  If you don't want to change the 100k that Henry tries to blackmail him for, having Henry tell Charles 'I know how much your mother was worth thanks to our background check, and I know she's leaving it to you."  That might play a little better.

Welp, this was a very good story and, as others have mentioned, I was very into the story eventhough it was just two people talking in a room.  You definately brought the drama to it.  I'm kind of curious to see what you did with the OWC, if you're participating.

- Mark