Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Elis, Also, I got a bit confused when Susan meets Camilla near the window sill. I thought that Susan had known about it, not that she was somehow dreaming. As the reader, I understand that it is taking place but the character doesn't know. However, Susan doesn't present that until later with the slap and the lalala part. Try including that immediately when both meet. Hope this helps, Gabe

Hi Gabe thanks heaps for the read and review.

Susan never realizes that her life is different than any other mortal being. In fact she doesn't know.
All she knows is that her mother is a party goer and is always on the move.
Her mother's appearance startles her only because she has no idea how her mother  got into her bedroom so quietly.
Hope this explains this part a little.

I am rewriting this with a lot of the reviewers intake.

Thanks again

Quoted from tomson Elis, I don't really have a lot of suggestions here. I thought it was pretty good and I liked the over all idea. I would suggest though to change the name Susan. Seems a little too modern for someone who's been around "forever". I would take Michael's idea if I were you and turn it into something a little creepier and drop any comedic references. You have nice characters and creepy places and situations. Develop that some more. Again, I think you've come up with an original idea, but you are right, it's not film noir.   You can turn it into creepy horror though. I think this would work great as that. Pia

Hi Pia,
Thanks for the read and review.
You are another that thinks a horror would be the go.
I so thought that a bit of light hearted humor was the way to go.

I have changed the name already in my rewrite. Micheals point was very well taken.

Thanks again,

Elisabeth

Hi Elis,
First off, I enjoyed the story, but (WOW)!, the parentheticals, and punctuations almost ruined it for me. You've got a really nice. clean sense of dialogue and descriptions, minus the forementioned issues.
I remember reading one of your scripts on the new york m.m. contest and thinking the same thing. Without those issues your story would read much cleaner. If you were to clean those up it would read much better. The dialogue should/does convey it without the parentheticals, etc., but with it it's all taken away.  You've got solid characters/conflict in your story, the reader will be able to tell what's what, you don't have to spell every small detail out for them.
You've got a really good story on your hands. Good work.

Hey, Elis,

I liked this much better than "T'was Christmas Eve."  Forgive me for suggesting it, but I think Misty Mundae should play the Grim Reaperesses and their mother.  It's just what I saw and all of the humor underlined it.  Speaking of underlining, it does bother me to see underlined dialog.  I really got a big kick out of this.  It's very original and the kind of thing no one can duplicate without coming off as cheap.  Because of that, I would like to see this extended further.  Afterall, I'm sure they're called Grim Reaperessess for a reason.  I want to see them go Reaperess - grimly.

I mentioned the vocative case on a previous script of yours.  To recap, when a person is being addressed, they should have their name separated by commas (see above salutation).  Otherwise, it is getting harder to tell that English is your second language, so bravo.  The other things people mentioned before so I won't.

My only confusion was with the DEMONIC VOICE and DEMONIC FACE.  Are they different characters?  Could they also be the doctor's voice?  I like the fact that there really isn't anything scary or creepy about the whole thing, but Susan keeps shouting it, so on the nose it's funny.  If Misty Mundae is busy, maybe we could get Christine Taylor interested.  But, back to the demons.  I get a sense of the demon really wanting to be scary and creepy, but not able to pull it off.  He's just too much of a wise-cracker to pull it off.  That works really well with your story.

Thanks for the post.

Thanks for the read, n7,
I do have to refrain from using  parentheticals and excessive punctuation; getting there

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the review.




Gwydion,
I like your choice of actresses, I prefer Christine Taylor.

You mentioned the demons voice and that it could be the doctor's; very good suggestion, I like that idea.
The demonic voice and the demonic face is the same character, wasn't sure how to portray that across, since he first appears as a voice - any hints?

I truly appreciate your feedback.
Thanks again,
Elisabeth

The best way to name a character that shows up in different forms is to just pick a central name.  For instance, there's little chance that your demon character should be confused with any other if it's the only demon character.  So, you could simply call the character DEMON and have his dialog listed as (V.O.) when he's disembodied.  If it's the same character playing two forms, then they should have separate and distinct names (like I did in "Family Practice" with Archer and Reflection).  The "Fight Club" script had the same character played by two different actors, but gave them separate names in the script so the reader doesn't get confused trying to keep them apart.

Gwydion,
Thanks. I thought since I hadn't introduced him and his first instance of appearance was as a demonic voice, that I should introduce him as such; it makes sense though to just name him and do the V.O as suggested. Thanks again.