Hey James...

I think your script has definite potential. It just needs a bit of work, I think.

What bothers me about it is that it's so blatant, in my opinion. If you made it more subtle, I think it would be a beautiful little story. I don't think you should make the father more of a villain. Abusers seldomly come across as assholes, on the contrary, when they're not abusing, they're incredibly soft and lovable. Most of them, anyways. And I've known a couple of them, so I think you shouldn't make him meaner - it wouldn't be realistic.

I just think, in general, you should use much less dialogue and let the pictures speak. For example don't let the mother say to the boy to move his bag away cause daddy's gonna be mad. Let her look at it and let this look tell that she's scared of her husband. Maybe let her move the bag away herself, without words. I just think your story would be much more realistic and subtle if all of the involved people wouldn't talk so much.

The little girl at times sounds a bit too wise for me. She, too, speaks too much. "Does your neck still hurt?", that part... I don't know. I just don't know if little kids in real life talk that way. Abuse is seldomly talked about, that's what makes it so powerful. And that's why I think all of this abuse should happen much more between the lines rather than in them.

Just my two cents. I see it's in production? So I guess my opinion comes too late
Still wanted to comment on it, anyhow.
Oh, and I also think the title "False Hope" gives away way too much!
Anna

Hey Frankie/Anna, thanks for the comments. The people who are making the film agreed with you and we are sticking with the original ending. I tried to make the film subtle, was the ending the only part you thought was blatantly obvious? I think if I went too subtle the abuse would just disappear.

As for too much dialogue I'm not sure what could be cut out, I think kids say almost everything on their minds and are brutally honest with one another (I'm sure we all have stories as examples of that from our own childhoods). The final draft has a new opening scene and a scene at Ali's house between her and her mom. I think it's going to be really good, but I might be biased.

Thanks again for reading and welcome to SS. Do you have any scripts in the works you plan on posting?

James

James

I'm not gonna highlight any grammar or formatting discrepencies there may be here as since its being made it doesn't really matter anymore. Phew, that must be a good feeling, the format Nazi's can't say sh?t about this now.

In terms of the story, it was a bittersweet one. Alarm bells usually ring for me when I see such young lead characters (Slumdog was an exception where I thought the younger actors outshone the older ones) for when it comes to shooting the film its obviously harder to get what you want from 8 year olds performance wise.

That aside I thought the writing was solid, poignant in places.

Ali's character had a gentle, good natured innocence about her that could only be pulled off effectively by a younger character . How she related every action, expression & gesture as something she had learned or was "recommended" to do by her Mother & Sister.

It was a sweet touch, which you unveiled nicely throughout the piece & helped us develop a standpoint on each charracter as well as moving along the script's main plot/theme.

The good ole wife beating Mechanic, its always the Husbands wearing the overalls that dish out the puishment, huh?

The use of voiceover was well executed and allowed us to get into Mark's mind & understand he's childish incentive. Its a hard thing to empathise with a kid that wants to kill his father even if the Dad is the brute we see here, but you managed it extremely well.

Although Mark's patricidal motives are macarbre, such is the naivety of his approach & reasoning behind it, you can only feel sorry for him. Especially when you think how he is going to feel when his wishes don't come to pass.

Nice story here, man, and well told. I look foward to seeing it on screen.

Col.

Hey, Col. Thanks for the review. I'll be sure to get some up on your other works, though I think I've read most of them.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I'm not gonna highlight any grammar or formatting discrepencies there may be here as since its being made it doesn't really matter anymore. Phew, that must be a good feeling, the format Nazi's can't say sh?t about this now.

It is a good feeling, but now the production company can request changes, which they have. The script has been through a few rewrites and will have some new scenes when it is finished. They just finished up auditions this week and have their cast.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 In terms of the story, it was a bittersweet one. Alarm bells usually ring for me when I see such young lead characters (Slumdog was an exception where I thought the younger actors outshone the older ones) for when it comes to shooting the film its obviously harder to get what you want from 8 year olds performance wise.

Let us be thankful we are just the writers. Though there are, like you mentioned (still haven't seen Slumdog), some good child actors. Maybe they'll find the next Dakota's Fanny.

And thanks a lot for the compliments. This was my very first script, it is my baby. I am so excited to see it on screen myself.

James

Just an update for anyone who is interested. The crew at Flip Book Productions sent me a link to a Picasa Web Album with 400 pics of the shoot taken by on-set photographer Julie Brown. Really great pics, I have looked through them several times.

You can see them HERE if you are interested. I think you have to have a Google account to view them.

James

Shout outs to all who have commented and helped in the rewrite process for KOD. And obviously props to SS for giving me a little space on the homepage. 'Prechate it. If you are really interested, PM me with an email address and I can send you the final draft.

And another shout out to the crew at Flip Book, you guys are awesome!

James