Hey Doc,

Let me get straight to the point, this is actually something very different, something new. The idea of using the structure of the trailer it's really good. I like the way you pulled out the mythical love story of Romeo and Juliet into something funny for me.

I have to tell you that i like it the way it is, and personally i can't see it working as feature.

Cheers

Quoted from NiK Hey Doc, Let me get straight to the point, this is actually something very different, something new. The idea of using the structure of the trailer it's really good. I like the way you pulled out the mythical love story of Romeo and Juliet into something funny for me. I have to tell you that i like it the way it is, and personally i can't see it working as feature. Cheers

Hey NiK,

I'm very glad that you found this to be a fresh and funny idea. I find that it's really hard to come up with something original as a writer (I don't think I'm alone in that way of thinking). And even though this is a loose adaptation of Shakespeare, I'm happy that you found this "very different" and "new."

Also, you are among the crowd who thinks that a short is where this idea belongs rather than a feature-length film. I really tend to agree that.

Thanks again for your quick review. Much obliged.


Doc

Hey Doc,

Popped this one open and was very happy that I did.  You really got something special going for you with this and I second(or third, or fourth, or whatever the hell it's on) that you should make a feature out of it.  You said you're gonna write a 45-pager, so I guess that's pretty good regardless.  Having the story built on a simple thing such as one guy being left/right handed is a great premise.  I don't really have any negative thing to add because I felt, as a "trailer" short this worked very well.  I hope that as a 45 pager it works well too, and I think that it will.  

Very entertaining piece. Well done.

Quoted from greg Hey Doc, Popped this one open and was very happy that I did.  You really got something special going for you with this and I second(or third, or fourth, or whatever the hell it's on) that you should make a feature out of it.  You said you're gonna write a 45-pager, so I guess that's pretty good regardless.  Having the story built on a simple thing such as one guy being left/right handed is a great premise.  I don't really have any negative thing to add because I felt, as a "trailer" short this worked very well.  I hope that as a 45 pager it works well too, and I think that it will.   Very entertaining piece. Well done.

Thanks, Greg. I really appreciate the kind review. Yes, I will be experimenting with a 45 pager (at least, that is what I'm shooting for). However, if I'm just SUDDENLY hit with a wave of inspiration, it may reach 90 pages. We'll just see. In any case, that feature-length version will only be experimental, to see whether or not the premise can have strong enough legs to last over 15 minutes without getting extremely over-played.

Thanks again for the read.

Hey Doc,

Just finished with this one. It’s definitely something different from everything I read before. Lots of energy. I feel like I just sniffed a line of black comedy coke.

It started out a little silly with the left-right hand thing, but then I understood where you were going with this, and enjoyed the ride.

Lots of amusing moments like the building literally collapsing or Tom threatening his son and denying it with the shrink. The humour is a bit over the top, but it’s clear that this is intentional and, for the most part, it works.

As it’s written I have no relevant suggestions to improve this, but I think you could provide a more satisfying experience if you lose the trailer format. I’m not saying it would be better if you use this premise to write an ordinary short, but the story will feel more complete:

-There’s no resolution of the main conflict here. Trailers are not supposed to give you that, I know, but I’m confident that your audience would like this story a bit better if you give them an ending.

-Short scenes. Frenzied pace. Multiple POV’s. The story rushes before the reader’s eyes. And that’s okay with the trailer format. But the story will definitely benefit if you slow the pace a bit and take your time with the characters and the most juicy dramatic situations. And I’m seeing Ronnie as the best candidate to have the “protagonist” label.

Of course, I’m aware that these suggestions are incompatible with the trailer format, but if you ever try a different approach at this premise, I think they could work.

Good job, man. This was an interesting read.

  

  Bravo! First, I have to say for the record that I am on “Team Right-Hand.” I'v written this whole review with it, too. What's interesting about this whole situation or the topic of is it a short, trailer, etc… is that it is what it is. If you never mentioned it was a trailer, it would of played out just as well. It would have been you just brining a narrative style.
  Also interesting for me is that I have an exercise where I write trailers out in script form, last one I did was “3:10 to Yuma.” My motivation was that it teaches you, “getting in late, leaving early.” I mean trailers if nothing else get to the heart of what it’s trying to convey. And you’re script is textbook on getting in late and leaving early. You get in make your point and leave. It works really well when you have a revelation at the end, in your case a joke, which is one of the reason I think the jokes that do that work well. It’s one thing to understand or comprehended a tactic, tool or skill than to actually apply it. For you to be able to use incongruence, exaggeration for comedic purposes speaks volumes.

  The biggest punch line, thus theme, I got out of it was an obsession people have with the “norm.” I don’t know if you coconsciously did that, but as to whether you can make this a feature I think if you keep that as the running line to hang you’re jokes on rather than just the “Right/Left hand”, which is a great running gag.

Have much of the story do you have planned or figured out if you did turn it into a feature?


Again, great job on this one.


Thanks J

Quoted from Don Re-Right by Charles Spenser Davis - Short - Inspired by Shakespeare and fueled by ridiculous prejudice, this is the story of two star-crossed teenagers who fall in love despite their families', um, "wrong-handed" differences. Written in the fashion of a theatrical trailer. 13 pages - pdf, format

Best thing I've read via this forum, although I have to admit I did not read a lot yet

Very high quality, especially the 'remember, the left hand is the right hand'-joke made me laugh out loud

It can be done like this on a national sketch show, no problem.

I DISAGREE with all the people saying you should expand it into more pages or even feature-length. The trailer-format works perfect for this length, you would have to drop it when you expand it, and I think the left/right-hand-gimmick is not enough for a longer script... It's a good metaphor, but what's real good in this script is the way you use it.

I'd say, find someone who wants to film this as it is, and see what you can do with it (festivals or other contests maybe)

Doc,

read this while at work today. I haven't really read through the previous posts, just noticed some of them occasionally on the boards. I guess this is supposed to be a trailer for a movie and this is not the first draft and some seem to think it's the best script here.

In my opinion your writing was fine. I thought the idea itself was fine as well. I did not see this as a trailer for a movie however... I could be wrong, but I think trailers are supposed to intrigue the audience enough so that they want to go see the movie. You pretty much told us everything here. There's not really much left for me to wonder about as far as this left/right prejudice goes. I also thought that it went on a little too long for a trailer. I think you should try to get it down to no more than ten minutes. Actually, I think it would be better if you just wrote it as a short script instead.

I thought the (V.O) didn't really go along with the visuals. Not that the words were wrong or anything, but it was oddly broken up and way too slow moving in comparison to what was being shown.

The script took a bit of an NBK turn towards the end. This may surprise you, but I liked the craziness of that...

Anyway, to sum it up I thought the writing and idea was fine, but too long and telling for a theatrical trailer.

Wow. I come back after about 36 hours, and I have four new reviews waiting for me. Great. I suppose I'll just work down the list.

Quoted from 'Mr. Z' -There?s no resolution of the main conflict here. Trailers are not supposed to give you that, I know, but I?m confident that your audience would like this story a bit better if you give them an ending. -Short scenes. Frenzied pace. Multiple POV?s. The story rushes before the reader?s eyes. And that?s okay with the trailer format. But the story will definitely benefit if you slow the pace a bit and take your time with the characters and the most juicy dramatic situations. And I?m seeing Ronnie as the best candidate to have the ?protagonist? label.

I absolutely agree when you say there is no resolution. As you yourself admit, resolution does not a trailer give. When you mentioned the frenzied pace, I literally nodded to myself. What this piece began as was, of course, an idea, of something that I was going to submit to a "mock trailer" contest that was happening in the Central division of the United States. However, when the idea flourished, 5 pages became 15, and soon enough I had a very LONG mock trailer.

I think that all the true criticisms you gave will only able if I expand this idea from a trailer to a short film. And if that happens, I will definitely heed your advice.

EDIT: And let me just say, the "black comedy coke" line was, believe it or not, the most unique and flattering comment I've gotten on this one. No one has ever compared my work to an illegal substance before, but I thank you.

Quoted from 'Busy Little Bee' I mean trailers if nothing else get to the heart of what it?s trying to convey. And you?re script is textbook on getting in late and leaving early. You get in make your point and leave.

Thank you, Bee, for your great review. The idea of "making your point and leaving" is exactly what I wanted to do with this. When certain people ask me to expand this into a short film or a feature, my question to them is, how long can this concept hold up before it becomes old and overused? If I write a 90 page feature, I don't want to joke getting sour by page 45. That's why with the pace and the flow, I hoped to cram in as much comedy as possible while staying centered around a certain base.

Quoted Text I got out of it was an obsession people have with the ?norm.?

I'm glad that you picked up on that. As I stated lightly in the synopsis for this piece, I was with this not only trying to parody Romeo and Juliet, but also poke fun at prejudice, by portraying two families who are arguing over the smallest of issues (who cares what hand you write with, honestly?). As one line in the screenplay reads:

This is an important deviation, and one that Greg notices... the moment that the two men realize that there's something that they don't have in common, they banish one another from their Circle of Friends (or their Five, I guess you could say ).

Quoted from 'avlan' I DISAGREE with all the people saying you should expand it into more pages or even feature-length. The trailer-format works perfect for this length, you would have to drop it when you expand it, and I think the left/right-hand-gimmick is not enough for a longer script

Haha. Join the club. There has seriously been a division between those who thinks the trailer format is perfect for this material, and those who think feature length or short film would be a better medium for a story of this nature. Nevertheless, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it, and even though you haven't read much on this website, it makes me feel good that, at the time, it was the best thing you had read.

As for being produced, it actually is already in pre-production. Changes that people on this forum suggest are still made to the script, to tighten up the piece.

Quoted from 'me' I also thought that it went on a little too long for a trailer. I think you should try to get it down to no more than ten minutes. Actually, I think it would be better if you just wrote it as a short script instead.

See, Avlan. Just like I said, it's half-and-half. Me is apparently a member of the 'Expand It' team.

Thanks, Me, for the compliments in terms of writing and idea. The "little too long" comment has been made numerous times; when you brought up the ten minutes idea, I was very happy... When testing out shots and frame work in pre-production, the trailer came to 10:10, I believe. I understand the saying that one screenplay page equals one minute, but the pace of this piece is much faster than most.

And I have to say, you're the first to complain about V.O. That's not to say that you're wrong for doing so (heck, ANY comment is appreciated), but many readers found that it lent to the humor even more so. I'm sorry you found it intrusive.

And I'm ashamed for asking but.... what does NBK stand for again? I'm definitely having a brain fart at this moment.

Opinions are like...

I'm afraid I don't know what that means, but thanks?

Doc

I can safely say without hesitation that is is the funniest script I've read on the site.

It cracked me up on numorous occasions. Great innovation with the mock trailer concept. I'm convinced it would work well as a short too...although maybe not a feature.

RONNIE
Look, your cousin Teabag -

I laughed my a?s off at that one, Tybalt was a comical name to begin with.

The only thing I question is the format, the spacing in particular, there was none in places.

Overall, fu?king great idea,man, and a brilliant execution. A nice, quick, breezy read too.

Sorry my review isn't longer I just don't have any criticisms, to speak of. Three thumbs up, buddy.

Did it ever get made? I'd really love to see it.

Col.