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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  phobia 39 Moderators: bert
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  Author    phobia 39  (currently 13681 views)
tonkatough
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you everyone for the read. If any of you want me to read one of your scripts drop me PM and let me know


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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 8th, 2008, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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This was a funny script. I immediately started laughing when everyone started to run out of the mall. It's some random thing you'd see in Family Guy or something, and I love random happenings.

Wow, Dr. Morrison is an ass. But hilarious, nonetheless.

So is Jeffery's daughter now permanently afraid of teddy bears now? 'Cause that could lead the story open for a sequel! Ha ha just kidding...Unless...Unless you want to...

Funny, cute story altogether. I liked it.

Sean
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bert
Posted: August 10th, 2008, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this one seems to have sprung from the same well as "Schizo Express."  I enjoyed Schizo -- as I enjoyed this one -- and I would have some concern about your obsession with neuroses did I not know you better.  Oh, wait.  I don't know you better.  Hmm.  Let's just leave that one alone, shall we, and move on to the story.

We briefly move through the mall with Jeffery, where through a phone conversation, he informs us that he has a phobia about stuffed animals.  Then, he arrives at a toy store, and collapses into wide-eyed terror at the sight of the Flumper.

See the problem there?  You have told us the same thing twice.

How much more effective if Charlie were to simply wander into the store and lose his cookies at the sight of the Flumper without that prior conversation?  Ashley tells us about it a third time, anyway.  And you do not need to change one, single detail of that second scene.

My first advice is to lose the first telephone scene in its entirety.  Read it through without it -- see how it plays if you simply lop it off?  Not too bad, eh?

My second advice is to describe the Flumper.  A minor, but necessary detail.

The scene with Morrison, elaborating on Jeffery's condition for a fourth time, plays out very well.  Wagging the teddy bear at him is a very nice touch, and would play out well.

But the very end of that scene is very similar to the first scene, in that it is "telling us" what you already plan to "show us" later.  I would lose the last two lines of dialogue in the Dr. Morrison scene.

Another quick advice is to make Toby a girl.  Weird, otherwise.  At least to me.  But the slapstick comedy of the tea party plays out well, ending as it should.

Looking back through some of the comments, it seems like having Amanda develop a neurosis of her own has already been covered -- so I will just add my voice to those agreeing that it is a good plan that could add a little punch to the ending.

My biggest advice here, Tonka, is to stop "stealing" your punchlines from yourself.

You have these very funny, comic ideas -- but then have the characters talk about it before we see it -- and it robs us of the surprise.  Your characters are like little kids that blurt out the punchlines to jokes you are only in the middle of telling.

Start putting your funny images right up there on the screen, without any foreplay, and THEN have your characters discuss what happens after the fact.

Try that, and you will have yourself a tight, funny piece here.  Add the bit about Amanda, and so much the better.

I would very much look forward to having a second look at this after you have reworked it a bit.






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tonkatough
Posted: August 12th, 2008, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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Normally I don't rewrite a script because once I finish one I just discard it and start something else.

But I must admit your suggestions Bert where so minor and simple you got the better of my curiosity and I thought what the hell why not.  Plus I added the origin of Jeffery's phobia because it was in so much demand. (aw you guys).

I've already sent the script to Don so it should be here in- what? -ten days?

I'll PM you Bert when the new draft gets here.  


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Shelton
Posted: August 20th, 2008, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn,

Haven't looked at any of the comments yet, so I may be repeating stuff here.  As usual, use what you can and disregard the rest.

The opening descriptions of Jeffery and Charlie seem a little inconsistent for how close together they are.  You give Jeffery an exact age, but Charlie is in his 40's.  Any reason for this.

Your introduction of Jeffery could be tightened up a little bit as well.  It won't save any lines, but would help with the flow.

Jeffery, 32, navigates the crowded mall in a pair of overalls and muddy work boots.

Flumper could use a little more in-depth description as well.  After all, this is the source of his fear.

I like the story, and the ending in that he cured himself but essentially passed the phobia on to his daughter.  I'll have to admit when I was reading the scene with Jeffery and the doctor, I thought he was going to suggest that he go to a "furry" party, which would have been quite weird and funny.  Although the family angle makes that pretty impossible.

Anyway, no big issues here.  Just the couple minor things I brought up above, but the story itself is fine.

Nice work.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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PatrickS
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to offer my comments before reading the rest of the thread, so apologies if I repeat issues already raised-fixed. Hey, Final Draft blank title page, I recognize you!

Interesting & funny premise of a guy afraid of plush toys. I'm not sure the story really works entirely, it seems almost more like a series of set-piece gags. The protagonist, Jeffrey, doesn't really give us any reason to root for him, particularly as his behavior gets more & more outrageous & outlandish - you really need to have the audience 'on his side' for this to work, I think. Why should we care about him & his problems?

Most of your characters never get named in dialogue, so the audience will never learn their names. Avoid naming minor charactes who don't recur, like Charlie. A name is a clue to the audience (or reader) to remember this character, and people can only go around remembering so much at a time - stick to the key players. CLERK is a fine name for a clerk. Tighten writing: Jeffrey, 32, wears muddy work boots and overalls. Avoid 'The man's name is ...' or 'This is ...' Just hit us with the name and description. I get this is a comedy, with some slapstick-bizarre events, but the mall stampede seems a bit over-the-top; either give us a more plausible reason, a line of dialogue from a bystander or something, or drop it. 'Shit scared' is an odd expression but perhaps I'm not familiar with it. Tighten tighten tighten writing, particular descriptions.

Storyline is pretty absurd, with teddy-bear-costumed skydivers, etc. It might work as a crazy farce, or it might just make people say, this is just silly. Typo p.4 (of coarse). Needs another edit pass for punctuation & spelling. Format is mostly good, but a few blank lines seem to have crept in here & there.

Some confusion in the fight at the tea party - who is Toby? Why does Harry tell Jeffrey to get away from his son, Tina?

I hope this helps, and thanks for putting it up for a read.

Patrick Sweeney


Feedback welcome!

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jayrex
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,

Just wanted to add my piece.

I thought your script was funny, a great start, the Doctor scene was good but I felt the ending could do with a little tweaking.

I did think it a little odd that he run away from this toy at the beginning then attend a tea party with them at the end.  But then again, emotions can play with your head.

Shelton also mentioned a 'Furry Party' idea.  To back this idea up.  I accidentally walked into a Furry Tail Party Convention held in a bar last year.  I was with a few mates and didn't notice what was going on till we reach the bar.  Very odd, very funny.

Anyway, if you were to do a rewrite I will have another go at Phobia 39 as it was good overall.

All the best.

Javier


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alffy
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Glenn, this very funny.  The opening in the shop when Jeffery runs out in terror was hillarious then you followed it with the flashback lol.

When Jeffery gets to Morrison the comedy continues and I can imagine this as a really funny scene.  We've all been there when we find something funny at the expense of another, you just can't help yourself...whatever the concequence.

Jeffery's extreme measures to be at his daughters birthday party gave her a phobia too, genius!

Why does Harry say 'get away from my son', isn't Tina his daughter?

I love this concept of passing on his phobia onto his daughter but I just loved the whole thing.  This is one of the funniest scripts I've read here, I could imagine this and I think it would be even funnier on screen.  Great stuff.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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tonkatough
Posted: August 24th, 2008, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone for the read. looks like I owe a couple of you guys a read of your scripts and promise I will as soon as I get the chance.

and as for the tina toby/ boy girl mix up. Isn't it obvious? The first draft it was a boy and in the second draft I changed it to a girl and so over looked a few thing when do rewrite- my bad.


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bert
Posted: August 26th, 2008, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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It is always nice to come back to a work and find it improved, and this one is, even though I guess I have to say that haha.  No, it is.  The new ending is simple, quick, and effective.  The story is better for it.  Sorry it took me so long to look it over.

I read your comment that you generally move onto something new as opposed to endless rewrites, and I can respect that.  But since you already have to go in and fix the son/Toby typos anyway, I will just offer up a couple of things that are very quick to change should you elect to do so.

First, figure out how to get that title page to work.  That always gives me a small, negative twinge when I see it -- whether I know the author or not -- before I have even read a single word of the script.

Second, you should describe the Flumper.  You neglected to do that in the original draft, and it is still an odd hole that I wonder why you continue to leave empty.  It is a question that immediately springs to the mind of the reader, and the piece is weaker for its absence.

Third, I would tweak the origins of Jeffery's phobia just a bit.  The bear landing on Dad is funny, but you have Dad miss the bear with the mower.  You are giving young Jeffery one "AHH!" moment when you could so easily give him two.  Have Dad mow over the bear.  Fluff flies.  AHH!  Then the giant bear attacks.  Double-AHH!  One right after the other.  Escalation. Really torture the poor kid.  That is how I would do it, anyway.

But even if you choose not to change it up, it still works well on its own terms as a unique and funny piece.  I liked your train one, but I like this one better.  Nicely done.


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jayrex
Posted: August 27th, 2008, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Just read your new version.

It's slightly different with a few errors remaining.  But it's smoother and the ending has improved.

It's a better read overall.

All the best.


Javier


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tonkatough
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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I decided not to describe the Flumper toy. Is it not the job of the production designer or the director to decide on how the Flumper will look on film?

I just feel in this situation it is not the writer's job to give specific detail of the Toy as if the film were to be produced, the budget would determine the outcome of the toy- if that makes sense.

am I right?


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mgj
Posted: September 1st, 2008, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Interesting to compare the changes with this from your previous version.  It feels a little more streamlined now and reads faster.  In some ways I think it's better for it, in others just different.  

The opening intro I noticed is cut down quite a bit.  I'm not sure if you were concerned that you might be telegraphing things in advance but I kind of liked how we could see the punchline coming, the anticipation of Jeffery's reaction.   Instead now we have it sprung upon us but it still works, just in a different way.  If nothing else, it's interesting to compare the two versions.  There's always more than one way to write the same scene.

The ending ties things up a little more neatly now.  I always took it that he passed on his phobia to his daughter but it's presented a little more clearly now.

You are right, I believe.  I don't think that it's important what Flumper looks like.   I took it that Flumper was meant to represent any generic plush toy.  In fact the more non-descript it is, the better since it probably should be completely ordinary and benign-looking.  Maybe you could just describe it as such or perhaps mention that it has a goofy grin stitched across its face - something simple like that.  


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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theMADhatter
Posted: September 2nd, 2008, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't read the original copy, but this new re-write was funny. I laughed out loud a few times. I loved the mall, the flashback, the doctor's office and the tea party. I felt the part with the taxi driver was almost uncalled for. He could have found a therapist himself or had his wife pick up the plush, maybe even a buddy. A throw-away line on how he got the plush (online purchase?) could replace that scene. A taxi driver seemed random, but your choice.

The doctor was great. Maybe to poke and prod more, he could make puns like "you couldn't BEAR to miss your daughter's birthday?" and snicker. That line sucked, but you get my point.

I thought the line "you traumatized your daughter" was premature. It came too early, because Amanda got over it quickly. Also - ever hear the expression "things come in threes"? I expected one more straw to break the camel's back with Amanda's trauma. Again, your choice, just letting you know what I thought.

Overall, loved it. Hilarious and well-done in the 12 pages laid out. It's a great length, and it could go on with more pages without feeling drawn out - the Furry Tail Party convention, maybe when running out of the toy store he finds himself in a Build-a-bear. Well done, I'm going to look up your other scripts for a read.



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tonkatough
Posted: September 5th, 2008, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Mad hatter.  and second read mgj.

Hey mad hatter I noticed you been reading a couple of scripts here. Why not post your scripts ON SS so others can read your stuff and post a comment?


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