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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  My Fifteen Minutes Moderators: bert
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  Author    My Fifteen Minutes  (currently 6473 views)
alffy
Posted: August 23rd, 2008, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Cindy, glad you liked it.  I'm gonna change the V.O's or at least some of them to dialogue.

Quoted from CindyLKeller
One location. One actor. It would be easy to film.


Is anyone taking notice of this point...'easy to film'. lol

Breanne, sorry you found it predictable.  You're right about the letter though, I guess it isn't the best, having to read it.  I could use a V.O...oh no I'm meant to be cutting them out lol.  Anyway thanks for the read and your input.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 23rd, 2008, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
Breanne, sorry you found it predictable.


Hey Alffy,

Almost everything is predictable to me though. As hard as it is to come up with something unpredictable for an average audience, it’s probably twice that difficult to come up with something unpredictable to another writer.

On film, this would not be nearly as predictable to the average viewer as it is in written form. For one, the “getting ready” sequences almost certainly wouldn’t last three minutes. Usually, when a story is serious and so much time is spent showing someone doing mundane things, it leads to tragedy.

Of course, predictability is a funny thing too. Something’s only predictable if the predictor turns out to be right. I could have just guessed right.

I don’t think it’s a bad script. I think it spends too much time on mundane things. That works as a disadvantage in two ways; one, it would be boring to watch someone get ready for some event for three minutes; and two, it makes people start thinking, hey I bet this guy’s gonna….

It would make all the difference in the world to shorten and tighten up the beginning.


Breanne



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alffy
Posted: August 26th, 2008, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne
I  don’t think it’s a bad script. I think it spends too much time on mundane things. That works as a disadvantage in two ways; one, it would be boring to watch someone get ready for some event for three minutes; and two, it makes people start thinking, hey I bet this guy’s gonna….

It would make all the difference in the world to shorten and tighten up the beginning.


Thanks for the advice.  I wanted a slow build so the ending came as a shock but I guess it was a little too slow.  I'll try and shorten this in a rewrite.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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NiK
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy,

This was a nice little short. I think you could use work this without the V.O, not that i don't like it but it would make it even better, showing things through images.

Anyway i think that in the end you could have a TV airing the news or something with some people interviewed, then have some V.O from the letters and then switch back to the TV when the speaker says "This is all for the moment" or something like that.

I'm not sure about the letter from his girlfriend, because in the end it makes it difficult to decide why he killed himself, was more for the audition or for her.

Overall i really enjoyed it.

All the best



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
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tonkatough
Posted: November 11th, 2008, 3:05am Report to Moderator
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I'm neither here nor there on this one.

You succeeded in creating a very cheap  producer friendly short, but there is the problem.

Visually this is just someone doing mundane stuff in their home with a voice over and a ending you could see coming a mile away.

Rather dull to watch I feel and to be honest would not even challange or put to the test a filmaker's skill.  


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alffy
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey NiK thanks for checking this out, I'm sorry I must have missed your post.


Quoted from NiK
Anyway i think that in the end you could have a TV airing the news or something with some people interviewed, then have some V.O from the letters and then switch back to the TV when the speaker says "This is all for the moment" or something like that.


I thought about doing something like this NiK but I wanted to write something in one location. Could rewrite it though as I think this would have a bigger impact on the viewer.

I didn't envision any confusion at the end, sorry you did lol. Anywho thanks for reading this and the positive comments. Glad you enjoyed it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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alffy
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn, thanks for the read.

I know what you mean about this looking a bit dull with a guy just waqndering round his house. But I did go for the simple viewpoint, for a stronger impact I would need to change it. A good point though Glenn, thanks mate.

I guess I just compensated some of the drama for something that would be easily filmable.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy,

another super short of yours. If you are into shorts (I am too) you might want to check out MoviePoet.com

Anyway, I just read Withdrawl before this one and I notice a lot of similarities. The absence of DAY or NIGHT in the scene headings for example. Unlike Withdrawl it didn't really matter here. I'm just pointing it out.

The description of the room was similar too. Bookshelves, clutter, tea...  

I think his story is good too, but has one major flaw which brings it down IMO. This script is only 4 pages and you give away the "twist" at the top of page 4. That is 75% in to the story. That means the last page is pretty much non effective as far as the story goes. If you can find a way to reveal that twist until the very end, this would be another great one because I didn't see it coming.

Great job!

Btw, LOVE that mouse or rat in your pic!


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alffy
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Another read, thanks Pia

I've never put DAY or NIGHT on my INT slugs but I guess I should maybe start.  I know what you mean about the give away, I might go back to this and change it.  I wrote this simply because I'd never wrote anything that would be easy to film e.g. one location.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
The description of the room was similar too. Bookshelves, clutter, tea...


Oh no, am I becoming predictable lol.

As for the rat pic, well that's one of my pet rats.  He's called Brian, and he is the biggest rat I've ever seen now.  He's one fat rat! lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony

Funny, I have a script on the boards, "Rid Of Guilt" which features the same type plot. You took a different approach to it though which I liked. Interesting to see a fresh angle and how somebody else treats a similar story.

I knew the direction this was going in a page or two from the end, maybe thats cos I wrote something like it.

Strong ending with the voice over speaking during the different rejection letters and finally the girlfriend's letter appearing on screen, well thought out.

A fine piece, well handled voiceover, solid descriptive and above all, clever pacing and reveal. It unfolded nicely (in a tragic way, storywise)

Good job

Col.


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alffy
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col, thanks for checking this out.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Funny, I have a script on the boards, "Rid Of Guilt" which features the same type plot. You took a different approach to it though which I liked. Interesting to see a fresh angle and how somebody else treats a similar story.


Really, I'll have a butchers at it.

As for the V.O.'s, I did think about having the Reporter speaking over a radio that Edward had left on before leaving the flat.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
A fine piece, well handled voiceover, solid descriptive and above all, clever pacing and reveal. It unfolded nicely


Thanks man, glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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dresseme
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Short and to the point.  And well-written to boot.

I can't say I didn't know where it was heading, but that doesn't mean I didn't appreciate it.  I also liked how, in the end, they only refer to him only as "the man" in the news report.  Kind of bittersweet.  

Good work.
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alffy
Posted: June 24th, 2009, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dressel


Quoted from Dressel
I also liked how, in the end, they only refer to him only as "the man" in the news report.  Kind of bittersweet.


Yeah that's something I wanted to include, just to show that, in the end, is was still unknown.

cheers for the read, glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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michel
Posted: June 30th, 2009, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

I haven’t read the previous reviews, so forgive me if I sound redundant.
To be honest, I prefered that one to the Chocolatier I didn’t reviewed. The Chocolatier was fine, but I don’t think we should write this kind of shorts, regarding the budget. It was good, very well written, but I’d rather see it as a short novel than a short film.
About that one. I loved it. You got me in the end.
You’re definitely in trouble with the sluglines. You never indicate DAY or NIGHT, even if it’s obvious. And not only in this one.
I think you should justify your title. Andy Warhol’s isn’t it ?  Edward could say I’ll finally get my fifteen minutes of fame like everyone else
One thing bothered me however. The last page.
The reporter VO wouldn’t be obvious onscreen. Maybe Edward had left the radio or the TV on before he left ?
The letters should in VO too. I thought it could be a lot more rejection letters on the table (as if Edward wanted to explain his act) and, in the end, all the VO could be mixed as one with the same final negative line.
Jennifer should be read in VO too along with shots/inserts of Edward while/after his accident.
It could be more spectacular and effective (and cheaper – I always think about that d*rn budget) if Edward’d throw himself off a bridge as the train passes. Then, you could insert details seen earlier : a polish shoe, hit torn tie, etc…
Just my opinion.

Good job man!

Michel


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alffy
Posted: June 30th, 2009, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel thanks for the read.


Quoted from michel
You’re definitely in trouble with the sluglines. You never indicate DAY or NIGHT, even if it’s obvious.


Yeah I know, I never include them in EXT slugs but I am from now on as I've had so many people saying I should lol.


Quoted from michel
The reporter VO wouldn’t be obvious onscreen. Maybe Edward had left the radio or the TV on before he left ?


I have thought of this too, the only thing I thought might be an issue is why would he exit but leave the radio on?

I wanted to write something that would be cheap to produce, one location and so on.  I know what you mean about 'The Chocolatier', the budget would be way too high for a short but I would like to extend it into a feature sometime....maybe lol.

Anywho thaks for the read and glad you enjoyed it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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