A pretty quick read, well written, just the odd typo.

I think the best advice you've had is to cut down the VOs a bit. I'm sure he could say the odd thing without appearing a loon.

I don't think the ending was too obvious. I felt something bad was going to happen, but I didn't know what, I. I liked the misdirection of the tight trousers, maybe there could be another one or two of these.

Cheers for the read mate.

Quoted from rendevous I'm sure he could say the odd thing without appearing a loon.

Yeah, I talk to myself all the time and I'm not a loon...well no ones told me to my face anyway lol.

I'm glad the ending worked for you, and overall that you enjoyed it.

I'm glad I took the time (te-hee) to read this one Alffy. Remarkable job for such a short.

Nothing bad to say here just a couple of typos with

to right

too right

and

use possessives as in

mans

man's family

morning's events

Good on ya!

Sandra

Cheers Sandra

I always miss typo's, no matter how many times I check.

Glad you enjoyed it and that you have nothing negative to say lol.

Thanks again and if there's anything you want me to read, just say the word.

I read this and honestly, after the first page I found myself scanning. Watching someone eat toast, shuffling in his seat and sipping tea, is not something I find particularly entertaining. Maybe you could reconsider your scenes to show us what's happening instead of dry voice overs.
btw, who is he telling the story to?

The last scene wasn't much different from the previous one(s). You could've used that opportunity to show us what he does to achieve his "fifteen minute" goal instead of another voice over and crumpled letters.

I guess your theme here is that fame kills(or is it, some want fame more than anything else?).
Anyways, my suggestion is to make it active. Show  him at auditions being rejected, and show us either a live reporter on scene, or on tv. kill the V.Os.

Quoted from JamminGirl I guess your theme here is that fame kills(or is it, some want fame more than anything else?). Anyways, my suggestion is to make it active. Show  him at auditions being rejected, and show us either a live reporter on scene, or on tv. kill the V.Os.

Kill the VOs is a good mantra to have a lot of times I think, but in this case, it felt right when I was imagining it in my head.

It still actually feels very memorable to me and I take that as a good sign.  You asked the question "Who's he talking to?"

He's not really talking. It's the voice of his thoughts. That's the way I feel it coming through. He determined in his head that he was going to go out famous, even if it was through his dramatically planned suicide.

When we come back into the room, the TV was still on and we learn of what happened. Is that correct Alffy? Or am I reading the wrong thing into it at this point. That's how I remember it anyways. It felt very dramatic to me: re-entering the room and knowing he's dead. I really felt his "stuff", as being the remnants of his personality and soul, what and who he was. You know: like when a person dies, and their things, they are just things, but somehow you can feel the person through them. It might sound weird, but I felt that idea coming through here.

So, to enter the room without him, to see the letter, to hear the news - it was all very surreal at that point.

Sandra

But we're not to imagine it in our heads, Sandra, we're to watch it on a screen. For me, watching someone check his image in a mirror(especially after eating toast and sipping tea)is about as dramatic as watching paint dry. Unless, of course, poison was buttered on the toast etc. I guess I'm just not into watching the mundane...

I think being too mindful of budget makes for very dull scripts(although, even within those constraints I'm sure something else can be achieved).

Quoted from JamminGirl Watching someone eat toast, shuffling in his seat and sipping tea, is not something I find particularly entertaining.

I have to chime in. Sorry JamminGirl. Those scenes are here to show precisely the absurdity and banality of life. We can identify with Edward, feel what he feels. Everyone felt rejected once in his life, but life went on. And through that banality and absurdity, the end is far more shocking. I adhere completely to Alffy POV.

Michel

Quoted from JamminGirl I read this and honestly, after the first page I found myself scanning. Watching someone eat toast, shuffling in his seat and sipping tea, is not something I find particularly entertaining. Maybe you could reconsider your scenes to show us what's happening instead of dry voice overs. btw, who is he telling the story to?

Thanks for the read and your thoughts but I think you missed the point.

Quoted from michel I have to chime in. Sorry JamminGirl. Those scenes are here to show precisely the absurdity and banality of life. We can identify with Edward, feel what he feels. Everyone felt rejected once in his life, but life went on.

This is the point I was intending to make.

I never intended to show him killing himself.  It's the fact he's struggling through life to achieve something never worked but also he never achieved this in death either.

As for the eating toast and getting ready, that's to show the routine of life, nothing changes and also to make you think that maybe he has a different agenda.

Quoted from Sandra When we come back into the room, the TV was still on and we learn of what happened. Is that correct Alffy?

I never showed the TV on but I have thought of adding this as it would probably look better as a news reporter than another V.O.

Quoted from Sandra So, to enter the room without him, to see the letter, to hear the news - it was all very surreal at that point.

Again this is what I was aiming for, thanks for picking up on it.

JamminGirl, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it but your comments are always welcome.  Thanks for the read.  Also I always intended to keep this as a low budget piece.

Quoted from alffy Also I always intended to keep this as a low budget piece.

Low budgets are not always made for "very dull scripts".

Michel

Quoted from alffy Thanks for the read and your thoughts but I think you missed the point. ... JamminGirl, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it but your comments are always welcome.  Thanks for the read.  Also I always intended to keep this as a low budget piece.

Alffy, I don't want to belabor the point, just to give my assessment of the script. To me there was no drama/action, even after he 'offed' himself. All we saw were letters and heard voiceovers. Unless this is a reflexive piece within a much longer(and active) script, onscreen it will look 'blah'.
Funny, but I hadn't read the other comments within the thread until after I made my initial comment and I see that others before me have said things along a similar line. It's up to you to take it or tell us to go jump in the sea...

Quoted from JamminGirl Funny, but I hadn't read the other comments within the thread until after I made my initial comment and I see that others before me have said things along a similar line. It's up to you to take it or tell us to go jump in the sea...

I don't get what you mean here.  A few people have said that maybe I should cut back on the V.O's and have the final reporter maybe play through a radio or TV but I don't recall many commenting on the fact it was boring and had no action.  It's not meant to have action.

I don't want this to become a running comments battle Trelan, so perhaps we'll just agree to disagree.  I read over a few comments from your script 'After the Trade' and you disagreed with a lot of the comments there but you did stick to your guns so I'll stick to mine here lol.

Cheers again.

Hi Alffy,

I enjoyed this, I've read through other comments, and I can't really see how it would work without the voice over (unless he's leaving a message to someone on speaker phone maybe?).

A nice, fast little read. Great idea what somebody suggested about him leaving the television on, set to the news channel.

I'm going to have a look at some of your other work later.

Good job, buddy

Craig

Cheers for the feedback Craig.  

At some point I will get round to re-writing this and probably will include the TV idea.
I've also no intention of removing the V.O's.

Glad you enjoyed this.  Gimme a nod if you want me to check anything else out of yours.

Just watched this and it works out so well visually.  Left me almost in tears at the end.  Congrats on your work being filmed.