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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Race Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Race  (currently 2623 views)
dogglebe
Posted: August 23rd, 2008, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe he's a pessimist, thinking he's going to be a knuckle-child....


Phil
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Tommyp
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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haha CLASSIC there my friend. I didn't know what was going on until the end though... Half way through I felt like stopping 'cause it sounded silly, but I'm glad I went on.

Well done!


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Oh alffy, You're so funny.

but I have to agree with Pia about the script being just okay cos' I knew on the first page where it was going, and all it did was get there.

I also agree with Pia about making the winner of the race different, but why stop there?

What if each sperm dressed different as well as acted different? Book worm sperm, Goth sperm, gay sperm, maybe even a Doctor sperm... a beer-drinking sperm...

I think it could be really funny to see who would win the race, and what they would do to win or not to win.

Let me know if you do a rewrite.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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cakfucius
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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This is my first post so take it for what it's worth. I like some of the ideas already posted, such as each sperm having a different personality. I have always wondered if we'd be the same people if a different swimmer had won the race. Also, take a look at some of your description. Example:

"He steps over a stricken swimmer, his arm outstretched pointing toward a small hole in the end of the wall."

On first read, I thought the lone man had his arm outstretched. Not a big deal I guess, jut trying to offer up something.
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alffy
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read guys, this was a dafty I wrote for fun.


Quoted from CindyLKeller
What if each sperm dressed different as well as acted different? Book worm sperm, Goth sperm, gay sperm, maybe even a Doctor sperm... a beer-drinking sperm...


I love this idea, I really love this idea. I might just go back to this later and incorporate this into it.


Quoted from cakfucius
On first read, I thought the lone man had his arm outstretched.


Sorry it wasn't clear, I'll work on this too, later.

Cheers for the ideas guys...and girls.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Mr.Z
Posted: September 28th, 2008, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Haha, this was so bizarre.

I get what you wanted to do, and I think you did it, quite well.

I would suggest trying to focus on one sperm in particular (the one who makes it). Focus on his struggle, his feelings, hope, desperation, etc.

With a protagonist, this will read a bit better. Focus a bit more on the path of “the one” haha.

Good job, mate.


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alffy
Posted: September 28th, 2008, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Mr.Z, I was gonna leave this one alone but i've had some good pointers so I may just go back to it and do a rewrite.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Ha Ha!

Very funny, Alffy.

The descriptions work well. When I finally clicked what was happening, I went back and started again from the beginning. Thoroughly enjoyed it!

Good work, chap,

Craig


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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Alffy

I remember reading this last year but for some reason I never commented, excellent little 3 pager I must say. Sure Woody Allen parodied it over 40 years ago but ist still an inventive and funny piece of writing. I loved the brevity of the lines, just describing whats going on and nothing, sort of like a running commentary. It totally fitted the energy and style of the piece.

Pia made a great suggestion about having the sperm reluctant or gay but your ending lends itself to a more cineamtic conclusion with the almost celestial bright, white light closing shot.

Could be handled pretty well with animation or might even pass for a pro-life advert. Become one of those underground advertisements that never got aired but can be seen on youtube and are usually way better (and funnier) than the broadcasted selection.

Anyway, good job.

Col.


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alffy
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Craig,

Cheers for the read mate, glad you liked it.

Col,

Cheers for the comments.  I agree, it would look pretty cool as an animation.  Thanks for the read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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