The Race by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - Preperation is everything in the quest to win the greatest race. 4 pages - pdf, format

Alffy,

Did I just read an ejaculation?

Quoted from Sniper Did I just read an ejaculation?

Erm...yeah.

The idea just came to me, excuse the pun, and I thought it could be quite funny.

Didn't Woody Allen do this a long time ago?  No, wait, he did his step daughter!  No, wait, he did something like this in 'Everything You Need to KNow About Sex But Was Afraid to Ask.'

Your version is most subtle, though.  It was nicely told for what it was.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe Your version is most subtle, though.

Plus Woddy's sperm was more neurotic.

Thanks Phil, actually I thought of this when the whole guess the OWC theme was going on.  I thought it might be a bit of fun.  I haven't seen much of woody, he's not my cup of tea.

Hey Alffy,

I didn't read the synopsis, and so just dived in.  Read the script and went, er what?  Kind of had a feeling this sounded like something but wasn't sure.  Then read everyone's comments and reread the script.  Couldn't stop laughing.  It is like Woody Allen's film.  I wouldn't mind doing my own version.

Great script.

Might I add, I kinda thought there was an Olympic feel to the script.  Kind of a triathlon competition with maps and trying to navigate.

It's funnier the second time now that I know what you were aiming for.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks for the Javier

I didn't want it to be too obvious as to what I was trying to achieve here.  The whole idea of sperm not really knowing where to go is funny in itself I think.  Everyone keeps quoting Woody Allen, guess I should check it out.

Glad you found it funny.

Funny short you got here Alffy. Took me a second read to realise what was going on haha been a long week, not normally as thick.

The repetition of 'The room shakes' worked well to build the tension.

Maybe have them swim in the second room though? Just they wear trunks and you call them swimmers but there's no swimming.

I've seen the Woody Allen film Phil mentioned, it's the same premise but done differently.

Good work.

The swimming but not really swimming was something thought about and wasn't really sure how to go about it.  I didn't really want them to swim but wanted them to be dressed as swimmers.  The whole repetition of the room shaking is of course to show the ever quickening...shall we say 'strokes or thrusts' before the invetable climax.  Anyway thanks for the read Ste, glad you found it enjoyable.

Alffy,
TS Fay canceled some of my appointments today so I thought I'd give something short a read.

It was short too. Kind of true to life kind of thing...

Anyway, like some have already mentioned, it reminded me of Woody Allen's film. Although amusing it isn't really a satisfying story. There is no one to identify with. It's just something strange going on that we want to figure out in the end. We do, but then it's sort of just ....okay.

My suggestion would be to give one of the sperms a little bit of a personality. Make him struggle a little to get to the egg. Maybe he has to fight some "evil" sperm or something. You need conflict here, otherwise it's just a commercial for some future fertilisation drug.  I can't spell... sorry.

I still enjoyed it, but you can make it much better.  

Thanks for the read and you might have given me an idea there...I'll send it to fertility organisation and see if they want to make a commercial out of it.  Only joking, yeah I could a personality to the main lead/sperm and extend his struggle to be the ONE.

I've only seen a few movies of woody allen so i can't make the camparison. But you sure have... well you have a sense of humor lol.

I was amused, and i liked it. Sure theres no story, which you already know, but it was fun. I say good job!

Thanks BryMo, yeah I know there's not much to this but I thought it was a funny concept so glad you did too.

Alffy,

Just had a thought...  why not make the protag sperm "different". Maybe he doesn't want to go at all. Maybe he fights it? Maybe he's scared or gay even?  

Maybe he's a pessimist, thinking he's going to be a knuckle-child....


Phil

haha CLASSIC there my friend. I didn't know what was going on until the end though... Half way through I felt like stopping 'cause it sounded silly, but I'm glad I went on.

Well done!

Oh alffy, You're so funny.

but I have to agree with Pia about the script being just okay cos' I knew on the first page where it was going, and all it did was get there.

I also agree with Pia about making the winner of the race different, but why stop there?

What if each sperm dressed different as well as acted different? Book worm sperm, Goth sperm, gay sperm, maybe even a Doctor sperm... a beer-drinking sperm...

I think it could be really funny to see who would win the race, and what they would do to win or not to win.

Let me know if you do a rewrite.

Cindy

This is my first post so take it for what it's worth. I like some of the ideas already posted, such as each sperm having a different personality. I have always wondered if we'd be the same people if a different swimmer had won the race. Also, take a look at some of your description. Example:

"He steps over a stricken swimmer, his arm outstretched pointing toward a small hole in the end of the wall."

On first read, I thought the lone man had his arm outstretched. Not a big deal I guess, jut trying to offer up something.

Cheers for the read guys, this was a dafty I wrote for fun.

Quoted from CindyLKeller What if each sperm dressed different as well as acted different? Book worm sperm, Goth sperm, gay sperm, maybe even a Doctor sperm... a beer-drinking sperm...

I love this idea, I really love this idea. I might just go back to this later and incorporate this into it.

Quoted from cakfucius On first read, I thought the lone man had his arm outstretched.

Sorry it wasn't clear, I'll work on this too, later.

Cheers for the ideas guys...and girls.

Haha, this was so bizarre.

I get what you wanted to do, and I think you did it, quite well.

I would suggest trying to focus on one sperm in particular (the one who makes it). Focus on his struggle, his feelings, hope, desperation, etc.

With a protagonist, this will read a bit better. Focus a bit more on the path of “the one” haha.

Good job, mate.

Thanks Mr.Z, I was gonna leave this one alone but i've had some good pointers so I may just go back to it and do a rewrite.

Ha Ha!

Very funny, Alffy.

The descriptions work well. When I finally clicked what was happening, I went back and started again from the beginning. Thoroughly enjoyed it!

Good work, chap,

Craig

Alffy

I remember reading this last year but for some reason I never commented, excellent little 3 pager I must say. Sure Woody Allen parodied it over 40 years ago but ist still an inventive and funny piece of writing. I loved the brevity of the lines, just describing whats going on and nothing, sort of like a running commentary. It totally fitted the energy and style of the piece.

Pia made a great suggestion about having the sperm reluctant or gay but your ending lends itself to a more cineamtic conclusion with the almost celestial bright, white light closing shot.

Could be handled pretty well with animation or might even pass for a pro-life advert. Become one of those underground advertisements that never got aired but can be seen on youtube and are usually way better (and funnier) than the broadcasted selection.

Anyway, good job.

Col.

Hey Craig,

Cheers for the read mate, glad you liked it.

Col,

Cheers for the comments.  I agree, it would look pretty cool as an animation.  Thanks for the read.