Cheers Glenn, yeah the start was kind of a homage to Blue Velvet. "Heineken Schmeineken".

I hear what you're saying about the obvious route with how the alcoholism affects their relationship but I'd have thought that would be the most common real-life affect.

The bear was a last minute addition, but the idea made me laugh so I kept him in. The only person who's contacted me about making this is from a christian college and wants to take out the swearing and the talking bear (blashphomous?). So will have to see how that goes.

Ste

First of, I think the log line needs to be changed. You essentially give away Brian's decision with the line:  "What will he decide on and will he be able to stick to his word?". This is obviously telling us he chooses to go off the sauce, as staying on it wouldn't constitute "will he be able to stick to his word" (unless it was a bet among friends).

I know, a small thing & this is already in production so its immaterial me even mentioning it, just a suggestion. I think you should cut the log line after "What will he decide on?"

A very noticeably un-British beginning to it (which is fine) A picture of your average American suburban neighbourhood is the impression given.  

In relation an above comment, I too liked the part:

"The walls are decorated by photographs of Brian and what
looks to be his wife...
...yes, must be his wife, there’s a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH too." -- it perfectly phrases how the viewer would see it revealed on screen.

This would have been just another piece depicting domestic strife only for the inclusion of the "creepy-all-knowing-bear-narrator. Whether it would work or not on screen is another thing but it definitely brings a different dynamic & angle to the telling of the story.

For this innovation alone I applaud you, its always great to see some experimentation & originality. And since its being produced it has paid off for you.

For future reference I would suggest you format flashback scenes like this:

"INT. HOUSE EIGHTEEN, KITCHEN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

It takes up less space & is perfectly acceptable.

The choice is have the SLAP off screen showing the happy photo instead is an interesting decision, a nice touch. But would it make for more visceral viewing to show it? Maybe have Mary fall just by the photo & focus in on that. A bit dramatic maybe, either way can work I suppose.

Again you have a good premise here although quite similar to "The Honeymoon Is Over" in some ways. The writing & execution is crisp & direct but overall I feel it suffers from the same affliction as "Coma" whereby its simply too short.

This one in particular feels undercooked…a little rushed. There is only one bad incident before redemption is sought (a presumably achieved). In my experience of knowing alco's or seeing them portrayed on screen; its more so a case of going all the way to the bottom, reaching the lowest of the low before one picks him/herself up again.

Brian stint with alcoholism appears very (thankfully) brief, it looks like things are gonna kick off (and dare I say become intriguing) when Bam! He is flushing perfectly good whiskey down the bloomin’ sink & acting like he’s completely reformed...bah. We want blood godamnit.

Allowing yourself a greater page parameter to work in would facilitate this. But of course that in turn would make it less marketable.

A solid effort, although its probably my least favourite of your works...but hey you're getting it made so what do I know.

Let me know when it’s done, I'd love to see it

Best of luck

Col.

Hey Col. Thanks for checking this out. I've read the script you sent to me by the way, just gonna give it another read before sending you my thoughts. I do like it though.

Good point about the logline. The two things I am utterly crap at are titles and loglines. Really need to work on that aspect.

This has been made and the guy sent me the dvd. He did pretty well with it but unfortunately the talking bear is no more. He still has it in, and ends each scene with it, but for his course he decided against the narration. I'd have been interested too, to see how it worked on screen. The producer is entering it into competitions and is a little sensitive about having the film on t'internet until that's finished so will put a link up here when the comps finished.

As for the off screen slap; for some reason I do this with almost every script I write. I just feel it comes off worse when you only hear violence instead of seeing it. Then again, it might just be copying the 'ear-cutting' scene from 'Reservoir Dogs'.

Cheers

Ste

So somebody shot this one, eh?  I must have missed that.

I like this one...and I didn't.  Your writing is smooth and clear here, and I really thought we were building towards something.  I had to go back and read the comments to get much from your conclusion.  An understated ending is fine, I guess, but I was pretty underwhelmed.  I was hoping for more.

I can see why the guy dropped the lines for the bear.  If you ask me, the bear is only repeating what is already going through our minds.  The words you give the bear are not offering a fresh perspective -- so they are not really necessary.  Better to focus on the button eyes as they simply observe, drawing their own conclusions.

That, or maybe the guy just didn't have the budget and I am reading way too much into it.

It is a good piece, though.  I liked it right up until it ended, so I guess 95% is pretty good.  Hope to see it one day.

Quoted from bert So somebody shot this one, eh?  I must have missed that.

Yeah, he did a good job with it too, I think.

Quoted from bert I can see why the guy dropped the lines for the bear.  If you ask me, the bear is only repeating what is already going through our minds.

The reason he gave me was the school he is doing his film class at is religous and they wouldn't like the talking bear or the swearing in the script. Both were cut out. Although, he does do exactly what you suggest, by simply shifting the focus of the shot to the bear at the end of each scene.

Pleased you liked it Bert. I'll put a link up as soon as I get the go ahead.

Ste

P.S. The director sent me his shooting draft of the script. If it's of interest to anyone I could post it up on here.

Ya I thought of Resevoir Dogs & the sword cutting scene from Pulp Fiction when I read it. Tarentino always says he prefers heavy violence to be off screen although that kinda went out the window for Kill Bill...just a tad

I would be interested to see that shooting script. I've only read one before for Eternal Sunshine Of Spotless Mind.

I liked this script. I guess I had a different take on the bear from others here - it seemed to me to represent the marriage. It starts off new and clean, get's beat up along the way and ends up in the garbage. I'd love to see the film that was shot.

Congrats on getting this produced, nice job.

As a script I really liked this, the writing was completely solid throughout and I really liked the opening and ending and, as a massive Lynch fan, appreciated the Blue Velvet tones.

But I have to agree with those that felt it seemed like some sort of 'infomercial', especially with the bear. This only comes when we try and visualise the script though, as a story, as text, I think the bear becomes a lot stronger. I almost had this child-like image of it, like someone innocent caught up in it all that had seen the trouble from day one - and the ending with it in the bin I thought was extremely powerful. For me, the alcoholic had not only got his wife back but blinded the all-seeing eyes - he'd won.

I thought the alcohol problem of the main character is done very poorly and kind of self-indulgent. Even it's worse with the movie (the nonsmoking actors and the camera following the cigarette smoke). It just seems very contrived. Who really sits at a table with a bottle next to them contemplating crap? Hugging the bottle? I think its pretty cheesy.

The script is better than what was produced, even with the decision to use the ham-fisted Teddy Bear. The reader knows enough by the actions of the characters. We don't need to see it and be told it. It was a good decision to leave it out.

The wife is just incredibly dull and underwritten. Basically, she walks around crying the whole time, and then goes back to him.


I can't say I liked much of it (if anything).

I was looking for something of yours to read that I had not yet read and found this one.

I see that it's been produced already so my comments won't help much, but you never know. Sometimes scripts get multiple requests for production.

I like your writing so nothing to say there. The story is good too, but could be made a little better IMHO. I think the problem I had was that I pretty much knew where this was heading as soon as I saw the focus on the bottle of booze and the wedding picture and Brian crying. The only thing different than from what I thought was that she left him. Me being a little bit on the darker side, I thought he had killed her in some way...

Other than that little complaint I thought you did well showing us an idyllic suburbia with everyone seemingly happy and content, but behind closed doors there sometimes something entirely different going on.

Good Job on this and wish I could see the film.  

I forgot... loved the teddy bear!

Cheers Pia

At the time it wasn't really supposed to be like a traditional story with twists and turns and that. Just, as you say, showing that behind closed doors bad stuff can happen. If I was to rewrite it now I'd probably try to have at least one twist in it to improve the ending.

Here's the film by the way.

Ste,

Out of interest, how did you feel that this story became very 'American'? The read is very 'downtrodden, working class, England' to me, so did it fit with your own vision?

Andrew

Hi Ste,

surprisingly I prefered the script to the films. A very poignant script, one of the best I read so far. The director, IMO, didn't succeed catching the essence of your script. The film is elegant, but maybe too much elegant regarding the subject. It looks like "moving stills" if you see what I mean. I couldn't feel Brian's despair. Mary was blank. (anyway, it was a flaw in your script too) I don't why it took the teddy bear for the use he made of it. In the film, it was useless.

Before I knew it was produced, I had that comment about the script about the Teddy Bear. "Maybe TB was a wedding present. Mary put it in the bedroom. Brian noticed it and Mary could reply she likes it there. She'd like his voyeur's side. It'd give Mary some stronger character. Here she keepos giggling all alon,g from the beginning".

Anyway, congrats on getting it produced.

Michel

Andrew

I don't really see the main difference being American/British. It's more really the class thing that you touched on there. In the film they seem very middle-class as appose to the working-class couple in the script. I would have preferred the couple to have been more downtrodden but there we go.

Michel

Pleased you liked it. The guy who filmed this told me at an early stage that he was losing the narration from the bear so I thought he was losing it all together. I think there are a few nice shots that he creates with the bear but overall, I agree that it doesn't really do too much.

Thanks for checking it out both of you.

Ste