Hey Javier, somehow I thought I'd read this already.

Anywho I'll start by seconding Jonnyboy's comment about Dan saying it was his fault then seconds later saying it wasn't?

I thought the dialogue was good and funny in places but to on the nose in others.

There was definately a comedy undertone to this, Dan knowing he's in trouble with the wife.

As for the ending, I liked it. It was a nice twist and I think it worked well. A nice read.

Hey Javier,

I think the basic structure of this story is fine, but things could be made a little bit clearer.  Ultimately, when we get to the end and we're at the scene of the accident, it makes more sense, but it coudl use a little more buildup before it gets to that point.

Stay with your intention of using Cornetto's suggesting and adding in some things that give it a little more of a surreal feel.  Maybe something like the scene between Jack and the bartender in The Shining, only more odd, you know?

I would also say to keep the ending as it is.  The undertones of it being in "limbo" give it a little more pop.

Hi Alffy & Mike,

Thanks for taking the time to read my short script.

Quoted from alffy Anywho I'll start by seconding Jonnyboy's comment about Dan saying it was his fault then seconds later saying it wasn't?

Dan was in a confused state, saying one thing then the next.

Quoted from alffy There was definately a comedy undertone to this...

That was the intention.

Quoted from alffy As for the ending, I liked it. It was a nice twist and I think it worked well. A nice read.

I'm happy you like the ending.  I wasn't sure how to end it.  But if it works it works.

Quoted from Shelton Stay with your intention of using Cornetto's suggesting and adding in some things that give it a little more of a surreal feel.  Maybe something like the scene between Jack and the bartender in The Shining, only more odd, you know?

It's been a while since I've seen the Shining, looks like I'll have to buy it to jog my memory.

Quoted from Shelton I would also say to keep the ending as it is.  The undertones of it being in "limbo" give it a little more pop.

I'm happy that the ending is fine.  I wasn't sure in the beginning.  But now I'll keep it.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hi Javier,

I feel your pain.  I lost my readers whilst playing with reality in my latest script, tricky stuff.

Overall I liked it.  You had me hooked and eager to see how it all ended.  You set up his entrance well, I had the sense that something “otherworldly” was going on, but not quite sure exactly what.  The dialogue could use a little smoothing out (as always), but I thought it was mostly good.  The area I’d recommend rethinking is the basic story line.

Dan’s “problem” is that he really screwed up this time, and the wife’s not speaking to him (again), and it’s likely that she will leave him over this.  The problem is that this is all in his mind – he’s guilty about not helping her out of the car, and he’s projecting all of this.  So his discover is that he must apologize for something that his wife may or may not actually be mad about – and is an apology even enough?

There are a couple of tweaks that would make this stronger for me.  If she wasn’t speaking to him before the accident for some reason, and this somehow led to the accident (rather than it just being a random occurrence), this would give the situation more heft.  So this way they go into the life and death situation already angry with each other (a more intense version of never go to sleep mad at each other).

Next, I’d like to see him do some deeper soul searching at the bar.  This is the point of this whole experience anyway right.  He doesn’t seem to be very happy with his marriage.  This would be a good chance for him to realize that he is really still in love with his wife (and why), and this prompts him to want to make amends when/if he returns to the riverbank.  Right now, the bartender just tells him to go apologize to keep out of trouble.  I want to see Dan make a deeper connection.

Now, when we cut back to the riverbank, and his wife wakes up and sees Dan lying there like a dead fish, we get the sense that it might be too late!  Dan, after realizing what’s truly important in his life, and deciding to rededicate himself to his wife, might never get to make things right.  Oh no!  I really think Linda should give Dan CPR and revive him – she’s the reason he lives (literally and figuratively).  And I don’t want him to just be sorry, I want him to tell her how much he really does love her after all.  

I think you have a very good framework for a powerful story here, but you need to dig a little deeper to make the emotional connections that are within reach here.  You’ve got some primal elements (life and death, love and marriage), but you are kind of just dancing on the surface.  You could get away with this if it was just a little comedic piece, but I think for this to work dramatically you still have some work to realize the full potential of this story.

Format/Technical Notes:
General: Leave off the “continued”s at the top and bottom of the page for a spec.
Pg. 1: “turnaround” should be “turn around”
Pg. 3: “bam” should be “-bam” (since it continued from the previous dialogue block)

Good luck!

Hi Raymond,

Thanks for taking the time to read my script.

Quoted from rjbelair Overall I liked it.  You had me hooked and eager to see how it all ended.

Always nice to hear.

Quoted from rjbelair ...a couple of tweaks that would make this stronger for me.  If she wasn’t speaking to him before the accident for some reason,...So this way they go into the life and death situation already angry with each other

A nice thought.  I suppose I could inject a tiny flashback at the moment Dan is explaining how he ended up in the water.  And possibly add a surreal description along with it.  Maybe have the bartender in the backseat listening to the arguement?

Quoted from rjbelair ...I want to see Dan make a deeper connection.

I can understand why some people would go down this routé, but this would lean heavily on the drama side and I wanted to make this a light humorous side.  The surreal part might not balance out the drama and be more in tune with the comedy weird side.

Quoted from rjbelair ...And I don’t want him to just be sorry, I want him to tell her how much he really does love her after all.

This would make for a powerful ending, but would change the mood of the whole script.

Quoted from rjbelair ...You could get away with this if it was just a little comedic piece, but I think for this to work dramatically you still have some work to realize the full potential of this story.

Comedy/surreal is what I was aiming for.  And as Michael pointed out, I definitely could do with injecting more surreal description/dialogue.  And thanks for the indepth review.  Most of my other stuff isn't that straight forward and if that's what you like, you may like those as well.

Kind regards,


Javier

Hey Javier, sorry for taking so long to return the feed - I've been incredibly ill for the past week and a half.

Okay, I love the opening description - the silhouette part was awesome. "The locals turnaround" - "locals" needs to be in capital letters. Yeah, the description of the bar, and Dan walking up to the bar flowed very well. One thing I don't understand though, is that you describe Dan as both an "unwelcome visitor", and a "regular". Most regulars at pubs/ bars I go to aren't unwelcome visitors. Sh*t, I've just realised how closly nit-picking I am haha.

Something about Dan and the bar-tender's dialogue doesn't ring right... I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't seem to flow well. It sounds a bit mechanic, a bit un-realistic. Its also a bit on-the-nose. But I guess it needs to be on-the-nose to reveal more about Dan's character.

"bam. We hit the railings at Inver Bridge." - Bam needs a capital.

I really enjoyed the end of the script, I should have seen the 'twist' coming. It was a nice end, to a nice short.

Overall this was an effective little short. It flowed well, and was an enjoyable read. The structure worked very well, and as I said, the end was very effective. Your descriptions were crisp and effective, so no complaints there. Only thing I could see that could be improved was the dialogue. It sounded a bit un-realistic, and forced. Try and make it sound a more more casual, and make it flow better.

But yeah, congrats here mate. I enjoyed this read, and could see it working very well as a short film.

Cheers, Toby.

Hi Toby,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.

Quoted from Toby_E Okay, I love the opening description - the silhouette part was awesome.

Cool, pleased you like the opening part.

Quoted from Toby_E ...One thing I don't understand though, is that you describe Dan as both an "unwelcome visitor", and a "regular".

With the sunlight, I was trying to say that with the blinding light you couldn't see Dan.  The pub was the type for locals that don't like outsiders.  Dan walks in then the bartender sees its a regular.  
Yeah, pubs are mostly friendly.  But where I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone.  If they didn't recognise you, they usually don't like your face.  Odd behaviour I know, but that's how things were back then.

Quoted from Toby_E ...dialogue...

I've had a few of these comments.  I've just rewritten a script, and this is another one on the list.  I'll be aiming for surreal banter next time.

Quoted from Toby_E Bam+the others

Noted, I'll fix the rest, ta.

Quoted from Toby_E I really enjoyed the end of the script, I should have seen the 'twist' coming. It was a nice end, to a nice short.

I think I'm up to 50/50 for/against with the ending amongst public opinion.

Quoted from Toby_E Overall this was an effective little short....could see it working very well as a short film.

I hope so too, just need to twist the dialogue, just a bit.

Kind regards,


Javier

This was funny and came together in the end pretty well.

Not only Dan did not open the door for her (ha!) he also did not go with the ambulance. Maybe the bartender could point that out too. This is not my concern though.

I loved it. It's very entertaining, very together, it's like a joke that went beyond (I think it's very hard to tell a joke so that it's more than a joke)

I did not understand Dan's "in a manor of speaking" -maybe just me. That's the only moment I had trouble with (which is nothing!)

Great read.

Hi Khamanna,

I'm happy you enjoyed this old script of mine.  I read it after yourself and see I need to give the ending more of an edge.

The line you noted, Dan said it about Linda who indirectly got him all wet.  Not on purpose but nonetheless still did.

When the bartender spoke, he was thinking like a glass of water in the face moment.

Quoted from khamanna I did not understand Dan's "in a manor of speaking" -maybe just me. That's the only moment I had trouble with (which is nothing!)

Javier