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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Shards of Entropy Moderators: bert
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  Author    Shards of Entropy  (currently 3862 views)
RobertSpence
Posted: December 22nd, 2008, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy, thought I'd give this a read since you looked at my one week challenge entry. Your format and writing are pretty good actually, but I wasn't sure what you were wanting to achieve with this. It strikes me as a commerical for suicide, or the value of life ! Were you slightly philosophical when you were writing this?

Overall, this served as a teaser for me, because I definitely want to read what you write next. I hope it's longer.

Robert


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Mate-ing

Short Comedy 11 pages

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mate-ingPilotdraft.pdf/


The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

[url]https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheBreak-UpChroniclesbyRo
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Aaron
Posted: January 6th, 2009, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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That was an AMAZING script Tommy. The thing i love about it most is the message, including the dialogue


Isle 10- A series I'm currently writing with my friend Adam and it will go into production soon. Think The Office meets 10 Items or Less.

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mcornetto
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the message of this piece and I thought you did a pretty good job sending the message.  

I won't go into format issues because other people have covered them.

What I did think was missing here was the fact that the man was unhappy. I didn't see anything to indicate that in the entire script, unless I missed it.  I think you need to establish that there is a crack in his perfection.  I get what you were going for at the end but I think you need to foreshadow it.

Also, I thought the VO was a bit excessive.  Try to whittle it down a bit.

Otherwise I enjoyed the read.  Well done.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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I decided to read this one and I'm pretty sure I read it earlier yet somehow there are no comments from me here.

I agree with Michael that it would be a good idea to show in subtle ways that he was unhappy, but other than that I really enjoyed this. I liked your writing. Nicely broken up into "individual shots" making it read more like film.

I liked the story too. Nice drama.

Don't know what else to say other than good job!  


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Tommyp
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Robert... Thanks for the read. Yes I was slightly philosophical/slightly drunk. The creative juices were flowing. Some say it could be made into a kind of commercial thing, so yeah, that is an option.

Aaron... You are too nice

Michael... I understand about showing a bit of him unhappy. I was going for the fact that the audience thought he was perfect, yet of course he wasn't. So maybe a hint of this is a good idea. Voice over comment noted. Thanks for reading.

PC... Very nice comments! Made my day actually. Understood about showing subtly that he was unhappy. Thanks for the read.


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steven8
Posted: April 5th, 2009, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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I thought his was a really cool idea, and well put together, which helped me fight off the feeling that the voice over was the guy from one of those Coronet Instructional movies they showed in school.  

Dang long sentence alert --

Now, to me, it seemed like the guy was just 'going through the motions' despite all he had, and seeing the poor bum, whom he'd just helped, who had nothing, yet as soon as he had that fiver, had it viciously ripped away, pushed him over the edge.  Sound right?

Now, as suggested, I think some film speed trickery along with a real time voice over might help the viewers actually 'feel' the drag of the guy's life.  Like the guy in the "Balls Out" joke script Gary posted, everything he wanted or achieved, wound up not really being fulfilling in the true sense.

I really like this Tommy!


...in no particular order

Revision History (1 edits)
steven8  -  April 6th, 2009, 12:05am
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Tommyp
Posted: April 6th, 2009, 3:51am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Thanks for the read Steven, and I'm glad you like it.

Yeah that sounds about right! He looks good on the inside... but he really has some issues,  which cannot be ignored, and are obviously depressing and serious.

Point taken about voice over. And Balls Out was frickin awesome

Thanks again.


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stevie
Posted: April 28th, 2009, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey tom, I just realised I hadn't read this!
and I wish I hadn't read the comments first!  Bad habit of mine, and I guess, a lot of people here.
This was powerful stuff. Well written, format spot on, action very imagery-driven. I had no probs with the VO being a tad excessive - it moves the whole thing along.
The ending is good, becuae you didn't actually show him jumping. Myabe he didn't? Maybe he did...  it leaves everything ambigous and open for indivdual interpretation.
good job, buddy.

GO THE SAINTS!!!!!!!



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Abe from LA
Posted: April 30th, 2009, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tommyp
What I wanted to show with this is material posessions aren't everything. And also, awesome guys can still be depressed/want to commit suicide. I've tried to show that Andrew has an awesome life, through the voiceover and what we can see, yet he kills himself in the end, which hopefully is a suprise for most people.
"We are all human" sort of... is the message.

Tom,
You aren't that far off from achieving your goal for this short. What you have here is the external - the frame.  What you need is the internal - Andrew's demons.

Andrew's inner struggle will help us to understand better why he contemplates/commits suicide.  It will also crystallize the message of depression transcending material wealth.
Do a character sketch of Andrew.  That might help you understand the source of his depression and how to visualize this for the screen.

As for showing depression on screen, try isolating Andrew between the hustle and bustle of daily routine.  Read up on the signs of depression and incorporate those into some scenes.

I like the coffee cup ending. There is symbolism in the falling of a full cup/full life.

Fill in the gaps as to why Andrew has reached this point in his life and your story will come to life, so to speak.
Good luck.

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Tommyp
Posted: April 30th, 2009, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie... Thanks man! Glad you like it. You are very nice to me

Abe.... Thanks for the read. What you say makes sense... I will have to delve deeper in this to make real.

I will attempt to do another draft in the near future, and post it up here.

Thanks again guys.


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Zack
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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Interesting tale you have here Tommy. Not sure I fully understood it, but it was definetly interesting. The writing was excellent. Short and too the point, yet still well detailed. I really enjoy your style. Maybe if I re-read this I'll understand it. Still, good job.

4/5

~Zack~
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Tommyp
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack, thanks for the read and the comments. I'm really glad you like it, and most people don't fully understand it, that's the point in a (small) way.

Thanks again


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