SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 7:06am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rid of Guilt Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Rid of Guilt  (currently 11553 views)
Don
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Rid of Guilt by Howard Jenson (ColKurtz8 ) - Short, Drama - Daniel is minding his own business, until Patrick decides to confide in him. (8 pages)  - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 10th, 2010, 2:35pm
Revised script
Logged Online
Site Private Message
NiK
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
New


Do you want my candy stick?!

Location
Turn your head right...
Posts
256
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Howard,

Finished your script. I did really enjoy this one. Clever story, great dialogue and a simple script to produce.

I like the fact that Patrick needs to confess before he makes the final step, that was good thought of yours. Not sure what you could add to the relationship that emerges between Daniel and Patrick, but I would suggest to add the woman and the son before.

When Patrick told Daniel about her, i felt like that came out of nowhere. What i would suggest is to just mention her before, I don't know like have the kid go them playing and aiming his water pistol at Patrick. I think that could help a little, and Patrick's reaction to that would connect later on.

As I said before i really enjoyed reading this.

Best.



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 101
tonkatough
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 4:23am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Jeez if someone come up to me on a train platform and started random chatting like in your story, I would be shuffling and side stepping as far away as possible.

I like the uneasy feeling your script starts off with, you don't know what Patirck is all about and draws you into the story.

The one bit I loved was when Patrick ask Dan to assess the danger of jump in front of train. I would of liked to have seen the conversation centre around that, sort liek Pat demand to know his chance of survival and Dan say "what's your problem man"Something really edgy and with conflict.

This script is far more focused and tighter then other stuff I have read from you but I'm afriad to say this one could have a page or two dropped.

But yeah, good script with a situation that kept my attention from begin to end.    


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 4:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Hey Nik

I appreciate you taking the time to check this out.

You've have made a very interesting suggestion about introducing the kid or mother before Patrick arrives on the scene. The Kid would be easier to incorporate & your idea of the water pistol is a clever one.

However, when I was writing this I wanted it to come out of nowhere. Up until that point Patrick seems like a happy go lucky kind of guy, a little strange but friendly nonetheless. but as soon as he mentions the women & her son his mood darkens as does the piece. It was my belief that having this come totally out of the blue would pack a greater punch.

Plus the "All-too-much-of-a-coincidence" police would be out in force chanting their mantra.

However...again...I nearly have to agree with you & I'm sort of going through the motions of kicking myself that I didn't slot the kid in somewhere earlier. Maybe he drops something that rolls against Daniel's foot or whatever, some kind of prior interaction would help this along.

I'll probably do a rewrite & include it but I don't think I'll post it back up here as it would be a shameless pilfer of your idea.

Thanks for making me kick myself.

Cheers.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 11:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Tonkatough

Thanks for the comments, man. I originally intended to write a five pager & maybe submit it to movie poet but it ran a couple of pages too long.

I liked Nik's suggestion & might add it somewhere down the line so that will only make it longer.

I can't see where else I can tighten this up bar the opening paragraph but that isn't goin to make much difference. Plus I want that in there to show the reader that its a pleasant morning thus justifying Patrick's conversation breaker & overall buoyant mood...till the secret is revealed of course.

Always appreciate the feedback, Tonka. Let me know if you have anything else done besides whats on your sig.

Cheers.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 101
NiK
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
New


Do you want my candy stick?!

Location
Turn your head right...
Posts
256
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Col,

The reason why I suggested to introduce the kid before is because, I personally like it that way. If you introduce it in spontaneous way without giving too much, I think it would add more to the overall feel.

Beside that, the water gun is a symbol and the kid shooting with the water gun means that he will die. Well at least this is how I think.

The introduction of the kid will not catch much attention since people will think at him as another person waiting the train hehe.

Cheers



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Yeah I agree, I'll play around with it. Permission to blatantly rob your idea, sir.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 101
Toby_E
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hey Howard,

Really enjoyed this script. Probably my favourite script I've read of yours. Not much I could see to change or improve, apart from maybe what Nik and Tonka said; I would definitely introduce the women and her child before, (as it seemed too random), and I would also maybe trim the script down a little bit. I mean it read fine, and it was pretty crisp, but I felt it could have been trimmed down by a page.

With introducing the women and her child, I wouldn't necassarily draw as much attention to them as Nik suggested, but maybe have Daniel walk past them at the start of the script. Actually, I would start the script differently. I would have Daniel approach Patrick. Well not approach Patrick, but have Daniel walk up to where Patrick is standing. Then Daniel can pass the women and her child. I feel this would work a bit better.

I also noticed a few formatting issues. "A few others wait on his side of the platform also." - "A few others" needs to be capitalised, as this is the first time we meet them. The same thing goes for "young son" from the sentence "Her young son (6) carries a small school bag." "Young son" needs to be capitalised.

But yeah, I really enjoyed this script, so congrats man. And I said earlier, there wasn't much I could see which could be improved.

Cheers for giving me a good read!

Toby


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 101
James R
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
This is a great short, Howard. A great read, well-paced, just enough action to not be considered two talking heads.

I like Toby's suggestion of having Daniel pass the mother and son, making it just a little bit more personal for him. Maybe have him make eye contact, which is more intimate than just passing.

As far as formatting, you can probably take out all of the MORE and CONTINUED parts. I don't think anybody really finds them necessary.

Funny idea, but since the Patrick/train collision was not specifically mentioned I thought maybe you were setting us up to have Daniel look down and his briefcase is gone. As if Patrick was setting him up the whole time. Not that I was disappointed in your ending, it was great. Just thought I'd share.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 101
jayrex
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hi Howard,

Not bad, pretty good.  Well thought out in places.  Your description is good in places, whilst in some paragraphs you could tighten your description.

Some of your dialogue I would have liked if you had broken it up as Patrick does go on and on.

I too tired to go into depth but the one error I noticed was that Patrick referred the woman's son as a daughter and I was guessing he was meant to say son.

Regarding this type of script.  This is the second one I've read here.  Affly I believe did a version.  Then again, I am about to post my version too so that'll be three suicides by train.  I had a slight delay with mine.

All the best,


Javier


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Toby

Cheers for the comments. Ya I'm def goin do a quick rewrite & apply the necessary changes, once I stop kicking myself which I've been doin' since Nik posted.

I actually didn't think I had to capitalise what you mentioned, so thank you for teaching me something new.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 101
Shelton
Posted: December 17th, 2008, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
For whatever reason, I totally overlooked the genre on this, and went in with the impression that this was a comedy based on the logline.  Boy, was I wrong.

I thought the script flowed pretty well, and I noticed the comments about bringing the boy in a little earlier.  Would it work?  Absolutely.  Necessary?  I would say not.  You know what you need to know about the woman and her son, and adding that in won't really change that aspect of it.  What it will do, is maybe add a little more sense of guilt on Patrick's head, but you'd have to make the kid all the more cuter.

As I read the ending, I noticed the way you draw attention to Daniel's hands and the way the people on the platform look at him.  Is this to imply that they think he pushed him?  Just a thought.

Anyway, nice work.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 11 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 5:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
James, Jay & Mike

Thanks for the comments guys.

I have done a quick rewrite including a brief interaction between the Daniel and the Mother & Son before Patrick arrives.

I 'm trying to give the impression that Patrick followed them to the station as opposed to have him there before Daniel.

JAMES - I'd prefer to leave in (CONT'D) & (MORE) as more often then not this is what I've seen done & have been advised to use myself. I helps clarity above anything.

JAMES - I never thought of the briefcase scam, its not what I was going for here, but its an interesting twist.

JAY - Fair point on saying Patrick goes on a bit but the man is looking for some absolution here before he makes the final step. I think in this case, giving him a few extra lines to exhibit his torment is forgivable.

JAY - I think you got mixed up with the son/daughter thing. The line goes:

                                          Patrick
                               ...I haven’t seen my own
                                  daughter in six years.

The keyword being "MY" Patrick is talkin' about his own daughter.

Mike - No I wasn't implying that Daniel pushed him but the fact that he lost his grip on Patrick when he made a dash for the platform. This comes after Patrick refers to his hands as "pretty things" due to his cushy office based work enviroment, compared to his own work hardened mitts.

Maybe I should have made this clearer, it is an understandable misinterpretation.

Thanks again for taking the time to read & feed this.

Cheers.

Col.  




Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  December 19th, 2008, 4:24am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 101
Shelton
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 9:49am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49

Quoted from Colkurtz8

Mike - No I wasn't implying that Daniel pushed him but the fact that he lost his grip on Patrick when he made a dash for the platform. This comes after Patrick refers to his hands as "pretty things" due to his cushy office based work enviroment, compared to his own work hardened mitts.

Maybe I should have made this clearer, it is an understandable misinterpretation.


Oh no, I got that he had actually lost his grip.  I think it was just something in the exchange of glances that made me think that.  No need to change anything in that part.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 13 - 101
dogglebe
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I thought it was an interesting read, though it went on a little long.  Patrick didn't have to explain everything.  His story was a little rehearsed and on the nose, if you ask me.

I thought that Patrick was a little too forward with his tale and wondered why Daniel wouldn't just walk away from him.  In NYC, he wouldn't have gotten past three lines before losing his audience.  In the beginning, his attitude is extremely cheerful... too cheerful for a guy with his story and plans.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 19th, 2008, 4:19am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Dogglebe

Concerning your "On the nose/rehearsed" comment: This is impression I wanted to give with Patrick's character & the exchange between them. He has been planning this for awhile, this is sort of a confession or last rites for him.

I tried to hint at the pre-meditated nature of Patrick's actions when he refers to the Mother & Son always getting this particular train, he knows where they are going & the fact that she works there too.

So it could be very possible that he has this rehearsed, he just needs an ear that will listen

Again the cheerfulness of Patrick was a) To throw people off, his motives come as a greater shock later on. b) This is the day he finally, as the title suggests Absolves himself from the guilt that has been hanging over him since the accident.

So believe it or not in his eyes this is a great day for him, he is genuinely happy. This is what he has been building up to, waiting for (to reference my earlier point on knowing the Mother & Son's routine) for some time now. With death comes peace.

Thanks for your comments, man. I'm disappointed in my self more then anything now that I didn't get convey this point better as its the central theme of the piece (the title is nearly too self explanatory as it is) & the “reasoning” (for want of a better word) behind Patrick's extreme decision.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 101
AlexNak
Posted: December 23rd, 2008, 10:13am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
Howard ,
I liked this script alot. I was sitting in the edge of my chair waiting for the outcome ...which I came to expect  before the end. Any reason why Patrick picks on Daniel to tell his story to. Is it chance or by ( Patrick's) design?

It would be a reasonable simple and relatively (low) cost  production to make this one.
Well Done.

Alex
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 101
Cam17
Posted: December 25th, 2008, 1:15am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.03
Col,

This was a tight, sobering tale that really drew me in.  You get that ominous feeling that something bad is going to happen, but you aren't quite sure what.  For a short, I did get a good feeling about who this Patrick guy was: a blue-collar, hard-working guy most of his life who, through a set of horrible circumstances, was left emotionally shattered.

Because Patrick was certainly not in a normal frame of mind, I think this could easily explain his quick flitting of subject to subject.  He has major issues on his mind.  So, I personally had no problem with the sudden way in which the woman and child were introduced.  It only illustrates the internal maelstrom churning through this guy's head.

My only problem with this story was why exactly Patrick chose to kill himself right in front of the woman and child.  I understand he wanted to let the woman know how terribly guilty he felt.  But in a certain way, he's hurting her and the child even more by commiting such a gruesome suicide right in front of them(not to mention the emotional toll such an event would have on Daniel and the other witnesses.)

It almost seemed like a selfish final act for the guy to off himself in such a manner.  I'm not sure the woman would understand his intent.  Maybe she would take it as one last "slap in the face."

But overall, this was my favorite of the stories you have posted thus far.  Good job.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 25th, 2008, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Cam

Thank you for your comments. That is a fair point about Patricks's overall goal in doing this horrible, selfish act.

When he says:

PATRICK
She and all her family waged war
outside the prison when I was
being released...They wanted me to
rot in there.

This was to give the idea that regardless whether what Patrick says is true or not about the Woman & her family wanting vengeance it is definitely how he sees it. So in his current disturbed frame of mind he thinks this is what they want.

Even though we would like to believe that in reality she would not want things to have come to this no matter what grievance he inflicted upon them. Its open for debate I suppose.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 27th, 2008, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Me

Thank you for your comments. I actually only have become a member of MP in the past month, its a great site but I've yet to post anything, just reviewing as much as I can.

I like building a story, though I tend to take my time doing it sometimes as you've pointed out. I know I can over it.

Concerning your point about making her husband his wife's lover, Its not a bad idea but I don't think it will work as Patrick went drinking (& driving) right after he catches his wife cheating on him so it couldn't have crashed into him & anyway do you not think this would be WAY too coincidental??


"Also wish you'd stuck to present tense."

I don't under stand what you mean by that, can you elaborate?


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 101
sniper
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 6:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


My UZI Weighs A Ton

Location
Northern Hemisphere
Posts
2249
Posts Per Day
0.48
Hey Col,

I liked this one a lot, though I was afraid you were gonna go the whole hitman-route for a moment there. It was a simple setup with a complete story that worked really well. I especially liked how the conversation very very gradually turned akward and somewhat menacing, the subtlety of it worked perfectly cos' you didn't force it down the readers throat. At that point I wasn't quite sure whether Patrick was gonna do something to Daniel and that was off-putting in a good way.

Patrick's backstory also worked. It was believable without being too melancholy. I eventually picked up that he was going to jump (when he starting breathing heavily) and I can quite make up my mind about whether or not it disappointed me that he actually told Daniel that he was going to jump. Part of me would've liked the surprise if he hadn't told Daniel though the other part of me understands why he told him.

All in all, a very solid effort.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 8:14am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Thank you for the positive comments, your opinion is always valued.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 101
mcornetto
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Howard,

I thought this was pretty good, I enjoyed the read and had some compassion for the characters by the end.  But there is always room for improvement, right?

It takes a while to get going in the beginning, you could probably tighten things up a bit there considerably.  

I think some of the things you are telling us about Patrick's past could be shown to us in flashbacks.  It would be nice if you could break up the chatty nature of this script.  

Some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose - in particular the line where Patrick says he's going to jump in front of the train.

Just as an aside, I think it could be interesting if David actually knows the woman with the child and about what happened to her husband.  It could add some drama.

Finally, I think the ending is a bit sudden.  I need a bit more resolution.  I know what you were trying to do with it but it could use a bit more.  Not sure what exactly.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.  Good job.    
Logged
e-mail Reply: 22 - 101
Tommyp
Posted: January 11th, 2009, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Continuity Is For Pussies...

Location
Australia
Posts
701
Posts Per Day
0.12
Hello hello. I liked this script. It was good how the dialogue at the start was natural. Also how Daniel didn't say much. Because I think usually if some random comes up to you and starts talking, you don't talk to them like they are your mate, obviously.

I think you should cut lots of the action at the start out. Not needed.

The end. I don't know what you are trying to get across. Does the woman realise that Daniel was the one that jumped off, and that it was his way of saying he is sorry?

I liked it how you brought Daniel's job into the end dailogue.

Overall this was a good script. Few small things you could fix up, but I liked it. Well done.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 12th, 2009, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Thanks for taking the time to read this, guys.

Cornetto & Tommyp

- I see your point about the slow beginning I have been checked up on it before but thats kinda what I go for. (I agree however, it does get way over done since QT made it fashionable & I can get a little carried away)

Cornetto

- Personally I wouldn't be too keen on the "flashback" idea. I wanted this to start as a quiet, casual if a little strange meeting of two people & gradually elevate into something more sinister thus dramatic.

The flashback would draw too much attention away from this, distracting from the impending tragedy. I feel its more focused this way, everything taking place in the one location, but I appreciate the suggestion, thats what I come on to this (fu?kin' great) site for.


"in particular the line where Patrick says he's going to jump in front of the train."

A few others have touched on this, I see your point, I might rethink it.

I think having Daniel knowing the Mother & kid prior would be too coincidental, something I've been accused of before(and within reason) so I'm watching myself.

There is a six minute build up...in Patricks mind anyway. Its only sudden for the audience, which is what I intended(for good old fashioned drama if anything else.) But, Patrick, we take it has been building up the courage for awhile now.

But you see the train approaching, Patrick "braces himself", I think its on the cards at this point. If you didn't see it coming before that, I'll take it as a compliment, he he.

Tommyp

- In his own drastic & twisted way, that was Patrick's way of saying sorry but more so an extreme attempt at obtaining absolution. A sort of "we're even now" mentality.

This of course is all going through the mind (& making perfect sense) of a very unstable individual.

Afflictions: include 1) Killed a soon to be father (& husband) while drink driving after he caught his wife cheating on him 2) Done time 3) Daughter won't associate with him 4) No friends 5) No job.

Its safe to say, Paddy he has seen better days.

You can interpret the "does the Women realise" question any way you like. I was of the belief he wouldn't have registered with her before he jumped but either way its only a matter of time before she does find out who it is.

The looking at Daniel & then down at his hands is because Daniel had Patrick in his grip momentarily but let him go, some people would have seen this hence the stares. It is also reference to Patrick's earlier comment about Daniel's cushy office job resulting in "those pretty things" for hands.

Thanks again for the comments & suggestions, all taken on board & much appreciated.

Cheers.

Col.




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 101
directoboy12
Posted: January 24th, 2009, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
New


We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?

Location
Michigan
Posts
66
Posts Per Day
0.01
This was really good, I agree that the first three pages weren't as interesting as the last four even though I think the set-up was necessary it could've had more  pizazz.  I really got into it when he first mentions killing her husband, its the kind of moment where the audience's heart skips a beat along with the character. I also enjoyed the sort of open ending you gave it, thanks for the good read.


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 25 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Directboy12

Cheers for taking the time to read this, glad you liked it. I'll check out "Cliff and Wendy" when I get a chance.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 101
BryMo
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Orlando
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.03
I'm always in the same position as Daniel. Strangers approaching me when i'm never eager to talk. And now, after reading this i'm afraid to be approached by strangers lol.

But, anyway, i liked this. It was quick, and seemed carefully calculated to slowly reveal tid bit by tid bit about Patrick.

Towards the end, i got a sense of edgy-ness since i really wanted to know where this was going. And the ending surely didn't dissapoint.

I did get the feeling that it would be wierd for Patrick to just come out and reveal all this info about himself to some stranger. But it also came off as if he'd been planning it for some time. And poor Daniel was just that guy he'd talk to.

Great job!

Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 27th, 2009, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Brymo

Thanks for the comments, much appreciate you taking the time. You seem to have understood the story (or my angle anyway) more then some, so thats always a bonus.

I'll check out one of yours when I get a chance.

Cheers

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  January 28th, 2009, 11:56am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 101
..............................
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 7:30am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.00
Excellent! i liked this lots.
I'll get my gripes out the way first:
Dont think a train needs to pull up at beginning, the isolation and boredom at waiting would be highlighted more if they are waiting and waiting not even  feeling progress is being made.
On first read i thought his wife was cheating with the womens husband and he killed him delibarately, didnt make sense so i reread and followed it as it was meant to be, prob put that down to reading at work tho!

I thought this was so well written, wanting to know the odds was fantastic and the pressure he was under, might be good if he was on a "hurry, hurry you gotta tell me"  jumping on a "too late"
The looking at his hands at the end was brilliant, i read it as if he had workers hands he couldve have stopped him!

One of the best scripts ive read so far! Well done
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 8:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Barkman

Thanks for the glowing review. You're not the first to wonder was Patrick's wife cheating with the women's husband. But given the circumstances in which Patrick knocked him down, it would have been far too coincidental.

The primary reason why I had the train disembark at the start was to add some dynamics to the scene. I think by having just a quiet platform would prepare, in a sense, the audience for something to hapen.

That sort of ominous feeling of two strangers meeting in a quiet public place has been done a thousand times thus it lends itself to predictability. Having a bit of hustle and bustle around the two leads will not only distract the audience slightly until the punchline "I killed her husband" grabs their undivided attention but it also preoccupies Daniel until he too is stopped dead by the aforementioned confession.

Happy you liked it anyway.

Just a word of advice, you should put up the links to your shorts on your signature.

People will instantly know what you've done, what they have read from you and what they haven't. As long as you keep commenting on other peoples work you will get far more reads this way. Think of it as (I know, its a horrible word)...advertising oneself.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 101
..............................
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 9:07am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.00
I went along thinking it was the womans husband till he hit the car head on, then thought that cant be right and began rereading. I get alot of time to read at work (hence my neverending comments!) but do get distracted every now and again.

Reading your explanation of the opening i can see how this steers the reader/viewer to not be sure of whats gonna happen until the bomb dropping moment.

It's very much my type of story, i can picture it so well. I know its only a short but it seems like something out of a bigger movie. Love films with those dramatic twists at the end.

How do you add links into your posts, i tried to see an option but couldn't, if its blindingly obvious then ill put it down to work, damn phone...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 9:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
I asked the same question before too. This was the instruction I worked off, its fairly straightforward.

[xurl=http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1205284440/s-0/]Big Stakes[/xurl]

I've put x's before each url as I think it would just post another link if I didn't. You'll have to remove them.

Basically, have [url=address of your script]name of script[/url]

Any questions, don't hesitate to ask.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 101
Andrew
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 9:59am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Col,

Myself and Bark have been working away on that since we read your comment!! It's been bugging me, and I now see that it can be done in more than one way!!

Here's how I did it, but your way is easier:

Wikipedia is great


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 33 - 101
..............................
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 10:40am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.00
Cheers Chaps!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 101
theMADhatter
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 10:43am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01
Col,

Great read. I had goosebumps at the end. Very well written descriptions and dialog.

Daniel: "I think you'll get a few more journeys out of it" was the only line that seemed odd. By the time he explained he was an actuary, it makes a little more sense he'd use a word like journey. Before that, I pictured him as an executive-type.

If the woman's family waged war outside the prison the day he was released, you'd expect from that moment alone (not to mention the trial) that she would recognize him. Maybe she tried to divert her eyes while waiting for the train or smiles after he's lunged in front of it.

That's basically the only problems I had with it. The rest of the dialog was fluid. "I went to the A and E for four fuckin' stitches... four!" Great line. I could imagine him giving it like Earl Partridge's final speech in Magnolia.

I'm anxious to read more of you stuff posted.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Kevin

Thank you for reading, glad you liked it.

"I think you'll get a few more journeys out of it" -- This was just a quip to the child, as if the train were real, thats all.The fact that it remained unscathed after the fall enabling Joseph to continue playing with it.

One could always take it as a feeble attempt by Daniel to relate to the kid, thus attempting to charm the "attractive" mother.


"If the woman's family waged war outside the prison the day he was released, you'd expect from that moment alone (not to mention the trial) that she would recognize him. Maybe she tried to divert her eyes while waiting for the train or smiles after he's lunged in front of it."

-- I visualized this to be a big station. The mother or Child don't see Patrick, don't think that would work in the context of the story. I'd imagine she'd go for him or leave the platform if she did spot him.

They don't recognize him as he jumps either, it happens too fast. Its only after, when its on the six o clock news that night or whatever that realization sets in. I can only assume a body is practically unidentifiable after its being run over by a train...not that she would go investigate anyway.

Either way, they're completely oblivious to their significance in this event until after its occured. That's my spin on it anyway.

I appreciate the reference to Earl Partridge too, fu?kin' great film.

Thanks again for checking this out, feel free to have a look at whatever I have on my sig.

I'll take a look at your "The Deal" when I get a chance.

Cheers

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 101
theMADhatter
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from Colkurtz8
One could always take it as a feeble attempt by Daniel to relate to the kid, thus attempting to charm the "attractive" mother.

I could've used Daniel smiling at the mother after that, and she just walks off. I didn't get that.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I visualized this to be a big station

I didn't imagine it as such, and without as many people. But duh, 8am on a workday... and the other details fall into place.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 37 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 27th, 2009, 9:40am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30

"I could've used Daniel smiling at the mother after that, and she just walks off. I didn't get that."

-- I'll rephrase that to casual flirting/ friendly banter on Daniel part.

I was careful not to make him a sleaze either...or at least tried to anyway. I just let him flash the quick smile at her before she walks away.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 101
Cam17
Posted: March 29th, 2009, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.03
Col,

Excellent rewrite.  From what I remember of the first draft, you addressed some key issues.  The ending has much more impact now(no pun intended).  Good job.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 39 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 30th, 2009, 2:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Came

Cheers for giving this another read, I really dug your "The Haircut" script, a welcome slice of good comedy on here.

The links on your signature all lead directly to the script itself instead of the discussion board, you might want to change that in order to get more comments. I'm interested in checking out your "Anguish" script.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 40 - 101
Cam17
Posted: March 30th, 2009, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.03
Good idea.  I changed it if you want to check out Anguish.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 41 - 101
stevie
Posted: April 27th, 2009, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Wow, Col, that was good. It's cool how i just read three scripts by you, and each one was so unlike the other. By that I mean, it was hard to pick that one dude wrote them all - great virtousity, my friend.
The only thing i can note is that maybe not have Patrick mention throwing himself under the train so quickly? Like, let there be a sentence or two buildup? I dunno, i reckon that would crank the ante up a bit.  and the tension.  This is probably my fave by you. cheers man.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 42 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: May 9th, 2009, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Steve

Glad you lik this. Most seem to prefer it too. Personally I like it but it wouldn't be a favouite of mine. I had some interest from a couple of production companies in America and England but surprise surprise, sweet fu?k all came of it.

A friend gave me some good suggestions for telling the story in a less straight forward fashion so a rewrite could be tackled at some point.

Thanks again for the read

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  June 21st, 2009, 10:59pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 43 - 101
stevie
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hi Col, here's the review of the new version. Look, it's the same as with 'Golden'; i liked the original better for some reason. The changes in this one are more obvious, with the flashbacks and that. You have taken more time to set everything up but i think it sort of overwhlems the actual story now. does that sense? The writing and formatting is still top notch as was 'Golden.
it could be just me but the first drafts were still better. cheers buddy.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 44 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Steve

Thanks again for reading the alternative draft. I'll be posting on here soon.

Again I'm disappointed you didn't take to it, as again I think its far superior to the more straightforward 2nd draft linked here.

All the story elements are there so I don't feel its overwhelmed, I just wanted to tell it in a more dynamic, interesting way. I actually borrowed the 3 time line structure from "Following" the first feature from Christopher "Memento" Nolan. Naturally this isn't a patch on that, check it out actually if you get the chance. It was made on a zero budget, pure guerilla filmmaking at its best, all set in London.

Thanks, as always, for taking the time, mate.

Cheers.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 45 - 101
xerces_
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
13
Posts Per Day
0.00
'The Doors turned up to eleven.' haha, Gold!

Very solid script. Especially the last half. You built some really effective suspense and there were some great lines of dialogue. I liked how you ended it with Daniel and the woman with the child sharing a look - just visualises nicely.

I can't really think of any criticism, it was pretty tight.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 46 - 101
rendevous
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43
I can agree about Following. A prime example of how to make a good film with no money. I've seen it a good few times now and it still holds me all the way every time. It's funny to see the Batman logo on that door in there too, all those years before.

Anyways to the script. Fine bit of tension held throughout. I used to have to get trains all the time so I did empathise with Daniel, those people are too real. And boy can they talk.

I like your style of the writing. All seems so damned sad but then that is the point. Maybe I missed something but why Daniel? I think I know, but wouldn't he say something to her before, or give a note or something?

It's not a fault, just something that occured to me.

Anyways, fine work.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 47 - 101
alffy
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 11:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Col, thought I should check this out.  I can't make any judgements as to whether this is better than your original draft, as I never read that.

I've not read any other comments so sorry if my thoughts have been answered before, if so don't feel the need to explain again lol.

I wonder why you named the boy but not the mother, and also why you then refer to him as boy and not Joseph.

Patrick's confession is great, I really got the feeling that Daniel was freaked and desperate that someone was nearby to hear it.

Wouldn't the train be stopping at the station?

This was a great story and you wrote it really well.  Patrick was very disturbing which really added to the uncomfortable tension between him and Daniel.

Weird that we both wrote similar stories, but like you said, did them very differently...dare I say, 'great minds think alike' lol.

Anywho, good job.  I enjoyed this.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 101
michel
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
France
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.18
OK Howard, it's my turn now.

Nice story, but I had to reread the end. do people think Daniel pushed PatricK, The main cirticism I would make is that it was too obvious from the start the way Patrick ended. Mainly, because of the title. It was so obvious that I thought about another ending half way the script which made Patrick more sympathetic.

There, you first believe in his guiltiness and we feel really sorry forhim. But his suicide earses all this and do not resolve anything of his guilt. At least, he gives the little boy years to spend on a shrink's couch.
Very often, suicide is a selfish act. Especially when you do it in front of people. So, we finally hate Patrick for this.

Anyway, it was extremelly well written. Good description and nice link of events (BTW, NYC people are not quite different from Parisians. Here too, when someone starts to talk to you in the metro, you flee away)

A bit disappointed by the end, but, hey, it might be just me!

Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 49 - 101
CindyLKeller
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hi Howard,

Well, I found one of your scripts.
I really don't have a lot to comment on because there wasn't very much to pick at.

I was wondering why you put the exact time in the slug line instead of super?

At first I thought Patrick was a stalker, glad he wasn't.
I like the way you write... your descriptions... dialogue... very nice.

I know this was supposed to be modern day script, but for some reason it felt like it was something from back in the 1930s to me. I'm not sure why.

It is weird when people you don't know come up and start talking to you. It's more common in some parts more than others. I don't see anything wrong with it.

When he said that he killed her husband, I was like Whoa!
He was so calm when he said it. It was eerie.

The way I took it, the woman didn't know he was there.
I know her and her family wanted him to rot in prison, but if he wanted to show her how bad he felt, and what he was doing as sort of a "gift" for her, why didn't he call out to her?
That way she would know. I'm sure if you get hit by a train there isn't going to be much left of the person.

The woman could be scared, and hide the child from his view when she notices him.
I think it would be even crazier if they had eye contact going on when he jumps...

It was refreshingly different from what I usually read,
Cindy

I'll look and see what else I can read of yours tomorrow.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 24th, 2009, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Xecres

I’m chuffed you liked the line, I thought it would be interesting to throw a reference from a comedy into a serious story, see how it would sit.

Plus it shows that Patrick is still talking in a somewhat comic or light-hearted tone even though he's referring to an extremely tragic occurrence, like he's softening up Daniel for the bombshell he's about to drop, keeping it upbeat as long as he can. All representing his fractured, twisted mindset.

Rendevous

Daniel was just a randomer, the ear Patrick needed for his final confession. When I mentioned "Following" to Steve in an above post it was in relation to the alternative draft and the structure of it which I had emailed to him. It will be posted on here soon. This draft has no connection to it...Of course I am by no means comparing the new draft to a quality picture like that either as a whole, just the structure is all (Ok, enough of the disclaiming)

I owe you a red too, brother. I'll add “Attachments To Small Objects” to the long list of stuff I need to read. Cheers.

Alffy

Great to hear your opinions, since you have something similar.

That was a mistake with the name calling, it's been fixed, since, thanks.

"Wouldn't the train be stopping at the station?" - Yeah I've made this clearer in recent revisions. Trains normally stop ahead of the crowd unless you stand at the very far end (in the direction of travel) Here I envisaged it slowing down to stop up past them. The majority of the time if I’m waiting for a train, the front carriage will fly past me at a fast speed before stopping way up the platform. Naturally, it all depends on the size of station, platform and actual train in question
I can see how this draft doesn't tell the reader all this, but it’s all been changed. Thanks.

Michel

Glad you liked it to some degree, sorry the ending didn't surprise you. Your bang on in terms of how I wanted people to feel about Patrick's actions. It is selfish and yes the kid will be traumatised but I did leave it open to discussion about Patrick's own motivations. Did he really do it for him or them? I think there is an argument for both sides.  Given his warped mind he actually might believe deep down that by he is doing the right thing by them, that this is the only way he can truly prove how sorry and regretful he is.

As for the end, again its open to interpretation, maybe they do. However, I'm thinking when its revealed who the person was, Linda will piece it together what Patrick was attempting to achieve. This closure would also depend greatly on how much Daniel will want to tell her about their conversation.

Cindy

Happy you enjoyed it. Yeah, Patrick could have called out to her, you’ve given me food for thought. I’ll consider it when I revise the newer draft but whatever a moving train would do to someone’s features the body would be identified through some branch of forensics  (don't ask, I'll leave it to that monosyllabic, my-voice-is-the-same-pitch-no-matter-how-dire-the-current-situation-may-be idiot, Horatio Caine to work it out)

Nice one again for the reads and comments, people. They’re always so greatly appreciated, thank you

Regards

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 51 - 101
Astrid
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I like how the story slowly unfolded... from a bright sunshiny day full of hope to somethin dark and tragic and very human so you feel for everyone. Very good. Nothing to pick at at all.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 52 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Thanks Astrid for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

I see from you wrote "Sweetie" from the OWC, very good script you've got there yourself, I can still remember that uber cu?t hannah. Have you anything else done I'd love to take a look and return the favour?


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 53 - 101
Astrid
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Colkurtz8
Thanks Astrid for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

I see from you wrote "Sweetie" from the OWC, very good script you've got there yourself, I can still remember that uber cu?t hannah. Have you anything else done I'd love to take a look and return the favour?


I submitted a short called Sparkle City. It hasn't been posted yet.

ty

Logged
e-mail Reply: 54 - 101
craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 8:45am Report to Moderator
New


'Ey up.

Location
Derbyshire, UK
Posts
253
Posts Per Day
0.05
I've just read this short, and I really enjoyed it.

Most people can recall a time in their lives when they've been randomly involved in a situation or conversation that is uneasy, and hard to just walk away from.

I liked the whole set up, and was unsure where it was going.

Well paced, snappy and pretty much brilliant.

I look forward to reading some of your other shorts when I get chance.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 55 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Craig

Thanks for the read, man. I'm going to post an alternative draft to this soon, once Don is back and gotten through the mountainous back log of scripts I can only imagine are waiting for him.

Keep an eye out for it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 56 - 101
Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
I just got through this and I have to say, I really enjoyed it. It was a great bit of fun. Notes:

Really good visuals, but you did go a tad overboard on them. The opening slugline involves a specific time. (Don't worry, I'm guilty of this too as some people on here have noted)

I really like the last act. As someone on here said earlier, the part where they're talking abot risk assessment in regards to getting hit by a train was brilliant.

Didn't drag, didn't move too fast. A nice, even pace throughout.

9.1/10.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 57 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Blonde

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I see what you mean about time specifics and over exposition, something I'm always trying to tighten the reins on so thanks for the reminder.

If you have anything of a similar length you'd like me to read, just ask.

Cheers

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 58 - 101
Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
12 Seconds is a short of comparable length in my sig, but I'm not one for whoring out my own things.

Check if you want, if not, I won't hold it against you.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 59 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
No problem, I appreciate your modesty. I'll check it out when I get the chance, its what this site is about after all.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  October 15th, 2009, 3:25pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 60 - 101
Niles_Crane
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I wondered if "Your Golden Years Await" would prove to be a one off - I have read scripts before that were good, and then nothing else the writer does matches it.

I needn't have worried - this is excellent.

For the most part, this finely written story kept me wondering where it was going - even at the end, I thought Daniel might save Patrick, or even, in a twist of fate, die trying to, leaving even more blood on his calloused hands!

I was once on a railway platform with a co-worker, waiting for a train, when she got cornered by someone not unlike Patrick, who insisted on talking to her as if she was someone he knew - though he didn't jump under a train (she came close to pushing him, I think!) - so the idea of Patrick walking up to Daniel (and the fact that Daniel had touched the lives of the woman and her child made this work) was totally believable for me.

Yes - this was another exceptionable piece.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 61 - 101
malcolm3
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
One of the best shorts I've seen on SS and anywhere else for that matter.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 62 - 101
Coding Herman
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey Howard, I enjoyed and liked this script very much (and I am usually very picky). It is very easy to follow and involving because you made us to anticipate something to happen. And you paid it off handsomely.

But I'll have to echo that one plot point about who Patrick's wife is cheating with. I was thinking she is cheating with that woman's husband all along until I read your explanation. To avoid the confusion, maybe you can use another incident to explain why Patrick was drunk driving?

One more thing: is there any connection between Daniel and Joe that they are both in actuary? Or is it just a coincident?

Overall, I think this is very well done. Good job!


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 63 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: September 29th, 2009, 4:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Niles

Thank you for the kind remarks, funny how a friend of yours experienced something  similar, thankfully it didn't result in the same conclusion as here.

Malcolm

Wow, that is a compliment. Thanks for the read, although, and without meaning any disrespect), believe me when I say, there are far better scripts out there on this site alone. Thanks again for the taking the time t look at this and the encouraging words.

Coding

Many thanks or the read, always good to please a self proclaimed critic.

About the drink driving aspect, some have been confused by that too, unsure of who the victim was. I must admit, I never anticipated such a reaction. I said in a much earlier post that it would have been all too coincidental if Patrick had just happened to collide with the very man who was cheating with his wife. Plus, the impresssion Patrick gives is that he pressed the self destruct button straight away after finding out about his wife's affair so, meaning he walked in on them and then literally left the house, bought the booze and went for a joyride. So it wasn't premeditated a such, just a chain reaction, spur of the moment kind of thing that ended tragically. I'll look at it again an see about an atlernative motivation for Patrick's tortured state of mind.

The actuary thing was purely coincidental ( I knw I'm a hypocrite after my comment above) but I thought it would add an interesting parallel to both people. Plus it's a profession (as Daniel tries to explain before being cut short by Patrick) synonymous with risk assesments, probabilities, stats, etc.

Cheers for the reads, gents.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 64 - 101
purplefilms
Posted: October 2nd, 2009, 9:54am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
11
Posts Per Day
0.00
I'm looking for short to produce. Please contact me at purplefilms@hotmail.com

thanks so much
Chi
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 65 - 101
stiffler
Posted: October 15th, 2009, 10:29am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Ireland
Posts
17
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey, good job, good descriptions, enjoyable read. I liked that Patrick killed the kids father. I didn's see it coming. However there is something off about Patrick and Daniels conversation. Patrick seemed to divulge his life story straight off. I think it may have helped if Daniel struck up the conversation, maybe Patrick would be staring at the tracks with a doom and gloom look on his face and daniel could ask if he was ok or something. Also maybe Patrick should be wearing some sort of peaked hat or something, as his face would be etched into the mothers mind forever and she would recognise him instantly unless he was conceiling his identity in some way. I loved the bit where he was asking about the odds of his survival. You could have milked that part a bit more, I would have enjoyed it. Good job tho sir, keep it up.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 66 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 10:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Stiffler

Thanks for the read and taking the time to comment. Good suggestion about Daniel starting up the conversation, it would really be a case of Daniel thinking "why did I bother" when Patrick begins to open up to him.

In my mind though when writing this though, is that Patrick has got this whole sequence pre-planned to a certain degree, in that his intention when reaching the platform is to find an innocent bystander, preferably someone on their own and get it all off his chest before going through with his final act, a sort of self justification.

Since he has been monitoring Linda's movements and knew she and Joseph catch the train at this time, maybe he has seen Daniel waiting too by himself and chose him as an ideal candidate for his final words. Sure, it all worked out so well, with the train coming right on time an all that but such is the nature of movies when attempting to generate something entertaining, exciting & cinematic. It’s not always going to be totally realistic or believable so a comprimise is always going to be made.

Glad you liked the odds of survival part, I was never too sure about it, I trusted it enough to leave it in but thought that some might find it too set up or contrived, thankfully others have made special mentions to it so I'm happy I left it in there.

Thanks again for the read.

Col.  


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 67 - 101
electricsatori
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Nebrasky
Posts
131
Posts Per Day
0.02
Rid of Guilt

Obviously the work of a well-crafted writer.

You’ve done what most screenwriters are unaware they need to do. You’ve given a reason for every detail in the story. Everything is a set up for something else, everything is tied together. I liked the subtle connection between the son’s tiny train and the larger train. The connection becomes ominous as the woman and son watch the larger train, unaware of Patrick, unaware of their past standing close to them.  

Even the smallest bit of dialogue has meaning as Patrick asks Daniel “I wanna hear some figures, Daniel...estimates, percentages. Tell me my odds here?” Daniel’s job ties into the story, giving significance to character.

FORMATTING:

Page 4: Patrick’s (O.S.) is unnecessary. If he is in the scene then (O.S.) is a directing cue, which doesn’t fit in a spec script.

Page 8: You do not need to capitalize ‘EDGE OF THE PLATFORM,’ unless you are using it as an action scene heading. And then it should be separated, almost like a scene heading. The same with GRASPS.
Sounds can be capitalized, but only if it is necessary. Other than that, first character appearances are the only other thing which should be capitalized.

For example:

Patrick makes a move towards the

EDGE OF THE PLATFORM

Daniel is quick to react. He takes a few steps before reaching out to grab him.

DANIEL GRASPS HIM

But only for a split second –-loses his grip.  




These also do not need to be capitalized.
PAGE 1: TOY TRAIN, SUIT, BRIEFCASE.
PAGE 4: HANDS.

You have a lot of wrylies in your script also, these should be used much more sparingly, mainly when the subtext of the dialogue is not clear. Action can be written as wryly if it is a few words and helps the flow.
Funny but true: The first thing actors do when they get a script is cross out all of the wrylies.

ALL IN ALL

I really enjoyed this piece. It was intelligently conceived with great execution.
I wonder if the writer could focus as much intention on a longer piece, say – a feature?
If so, I know I would want to read it.



DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 68 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Daniel

Thanks for the read, glad you liked it.

In relation to some of your points on formatting:

"Page 4: Patrick’s (O.S.) is unnecessary. If he is in the scene then (O.S.) is a directing cue, which doesn’t fit in a spec script."

-- Agreed, it is too specific for a spec. I envisaged a shot of Daniel's reaction/expression when Patrick is talking as being key moments in the unfolding of the two's encounter with one another and vice versa. But yeah, your right, that’s the director’s job. You know yourself though when you got it all mapped out in your head it can be difficult for it not to spill on the page.

"Page 8: You do not need to capitalize ‘EDGE OF THE PLATFORM,’ unless you are using it as an action scene heading. And then it should be separated, almost like a scene heading. The same with GRASPS.
Sounds can be capitalized, but only if it is necessary. Other than that, first character appearances are the only other thing which should be capitalized."

-- Yep, I find myself capitalising key actions, reactions or object at times for emphasis along with the standards like sound, character names, etc. It is something I've drastically cut down doing. This is an older draft you've read here, it has gone through numerous clean-ups since.

I do remember reading somewhere though where they were promoting the use of capitalisation saying it helps speed reading through long blocks of descriptive where the reader can pick out the key words which are in capitals but yeah like everything, in moderation.

I read P.T Anderson's original draft for Magnolia some years back and it had a sh?tload of capitals throughout, which got me into the habit in the first place. But as I said, I don't do it as much anymore.

Totally agree on the wrylies aspect too, again its something I've gradually weeded out of my writing. I've heard too that actors in general despise them and constantly hearing how completely and utterly frowned upon they are within the "industry". There are a time and a place for them within a script, just make sure that time and  place doesn't happen too often.

As regards a feature, I've never considered it but I do have an alternative draft written from some months back if you are interested in taking a look?

Thanks again for taking the time to read it, much appreciated.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 69 - 101
Craiger6
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 10:58am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Col..

Little late to the party on this one as I see it's been reviewed pretty heavily.  Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it.  Pretty powerful stuff.  I was left wondering whether Daniel would say anything to the woman about Patrick or whether he would just decide to let sleeping dogs lie.  Good stuff.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 70 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Craig

Thanks for the read. I'll leave the "what happened next" open to interpretation, although personally, I reckon he would probably say something...or maybe not.

"The Final Pawn" is on my reading list, I should get around to reading it in the coming days.

Cheers

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 71 - 101
jimbob
Posted: December 24th, 2009, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey Howard

I liked this script alot. It had a someone that the audience could identify with in Daniel. Most of the dialogue tied together in the end.

I loved the way that the story unfolded. I remeber tarantino saying that he doesnt just throw twists around the place, he lets the story unfold, which I think youve done here quite well. You give the audience infomation and its up to them to put the pieces together.

Someone sharp enough may have guessed straight away that Patrick was gonna jump once he told daniel that he killed the sons father. I had an inkling at that stage which brought about tension throughout the rest of the dialogue.

The bit about Patrick seeing his wife f**cking some guy, and then patrick going out drunk and killing the sons father on the road didnt quite tie up the way the rest of the story did. Its quite possible that that could happen but it feels just a bit too random.

Maybe Patrick could have been just a drunk and a bum, who would constantly be drink driving until one day he ploughs into the sons father. I think that he'd feel alot more remorseful that way, and then want to kill himself to prove to the mother how sorry he was.

I kinda felt sorry for the guy finding his wife cheating on him and then killing someone on the road. How could things get any worse in one day!

Anyway I could go on about spelling mistakes and stuff but I couldnt care less. The story is more important to me and this was excellent.

John
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 72 - 101
Takeshi
Posted: December 25th, 2009, 6:54am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Gidday Col,

I thought this was a good tight script. I found the conversation between the characters very interesting and I liked the way the story played out. I was taken out of the story a bit at the start when you capitalized the word SUIT and a few other things that I didn't think required it. Also, when I read we can hear the train in the distance line I pretty much knew what was going to happen. However, I don't think the distant sound of the train would stand out as much in a film as it does on the page when you're reading the script.


As I didn't have a lot of to complain about with this I skimmed the comments of a few other readers and one the first criticisms that jumped out at me was the one about Patrick's story seeming too rehearsed and that he seemed too happy under the circumstances. I have to disagree with that because I'm sure Patrick would've gone through the story a million times in his head, so it's no wonder he had it down pat when he spoke to Daniel about it. I also agree with what someone said (maybe it was you) about the day someone commits suicide being the happiest day of their life. I've heard that a lot of people who've been depressed for long periods of time often seem a bit happier to others once they've committed themselves to the deed because it brings about a sense of relief.

However, I agree whole heartedly with the feedback you got from Michel when he said:


Quoted from michel

There, you first believe in his guiltiness and we feel really sorry for him. But his suicide erases all this and do not resolve anything of his guilt. At least, he gives the little boy years to spend on a shrink's couch.
Very often, suicide is a selfish act. Especially when you do it in front of people. So, we finally hate Patrick for this.


I thought a similar thing myself. First Patrick takes away the boy's father and then makes it up to him by letting the kid see him get creamed by a train? Not cool.
But in saying that Patrick is mentally and emotionally sick, so it's entirely plausible that his twisted logic could've led him to believe that he was doing the right thing. So I don’t have  a problem with it.

Anywho, I thought this was an interesting piece and I reckon it's good to go as is. So I hope you don’t pull it apart too much.    
Logged
e-mail Reply: 73 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Jimbob

Thank you for the read and comments.

"The bit about Patrick seeing his wife f**cking some guy, and then patrick going out drunk and killing the sons father on the road didnt quite tie up the way the rest of the story did. Its quite possible that that could happen but it feels just a bit too random. "

-- Funny you should say this as some suggested that the person Patrick knocks should be the guy who he caught screwing his wife. My reply: Now that would be waaaaay to coincidental! I think it works as it is, in that, yeah your right, it is random for it to happen but definitely not beyond impossible. You think of the amount of people that are killed every week from drunk drivers all over the world, who’s to say that some of these aren't drinking to get over something or someone. I know for it to happen on the exact same night is very tragic but Patrick was in a fit of rage, purposely drank himself stupid, purposely drove the wrong way down a motorway, he was on a death wish but in the end it was he who survived and an innocent individual that perished. Forgive the hackneyed phrase but "stranger things have happened"

"Maybe Patrick could have been just a drunk and a bum, who would constantly be drink driving until one day he ploughs into the sons father. I think that he'd feel alot more remorseful that way, and then want to kill himself to prove to the mother how sorry he was."

-- I don't think that would make Patrick feel any way more remorseful or sympathetic. The fact that he was always doing it until finally fate caught up with him would make him more of a villain in his own eyes and everyone else’s or at least should anyway. Here we are led to believe that this may have been the only time Patrick drank and drove, he was driven (no pun intended) to it. Not that this absolves him or anything, Patrick has definitely committed a despicable act and there are no excuses but there is a certain tragedy to it which wouldn't be a factor if he had continuously broken the law until paying the ultimate price by taking someone’s life.

"I kinda felt sorry for the guy finding his wife cheating on him and then killing someone on the road. How could things get any worse in one day!"
-- Yeah, it sucks and in a way I'm happy you feel some pity for Patrick but in the end he was wrong in what he done and even more misguided in his perceived "solution" for his troubles.

Thank you again taking the time to read this and offer your opinions, duly noted.


Chris

Cheers for the read, man.

I thought this was a good tight script. I found the conversation between the characters very interesting and I liked the way the story played out. I was taken out of the story a bit at the start when you capitalized the word SUIT and a few other things that I didn't think required it. Also, when I read we can hear the train in the distance line I pretty much knew what was going to happen. However, I don't think the distant sound of the train would stand out as much in a film as it does on the page when you're reading the script.

-- I have revised this since this draft and taken out a lot of the capitalisation, it was a phase/habit I went through. Yeah, the sound of the impending train does set the alarm bells a ringin', I'm glad you are able to appreciate that this had to be included in the page thus essentially giving the game away but yeah, on screen it wouldn't preoccupy the audience as much.

"As I didn't have a lot of to complain about with this I skimmed the comments of a few other readers and one the first criticisms that jumped out at me was the one about Patrick's story seeming too rehearsed and that he seemed too happy under the circumstances. I have to disagree with that because I'm sure Patrick would've gone through the story a million times in his head, so it's no wonder he had it down pat when he spoke to Daniel about it. I also agree with what someone said (maybe it was you) about the day someone commits suicide being the happiest day of their life. I've heard that a lot of people who've been depressed for long periods of time often seem a bit happier to others once they've committed themselves to the deed because it brings about a sense of relief."

-- Naturally I'm chuffed to hear you say this. Yes, Patrick has this rehearsed, he has been planning it for some time (knowing that Linda and Joseph take this particular train being an indication of this) and of course in his warped mindset he believes he is doing the right thing, repenting his sins through self sacrifice while giving Linda what he thinks she wants.

"I thought a similar thing myself. First Patrick takes away the boy's father and then makes it up to him by letting the kid see him get creamed by a train? Not cool.
But in saying that Patrick is mentally and emotionally sick, so it's entirely plausible that his twisted logic could've led him to believe that he was doing the right thing. So I don’t have a problem with it."

-- While in the smallest degree I feel some sympathy for Patrick, overall it’s a truly horrible thing he has done both his reaction to catching his wife and jumping in front of the train. Anybody who has testified to hating Patrick after reading the script, I have no issues with, it is totally understandable and essentially I feel the same way about him. As I said, in his own wayward thinking he is doing the honourable thing. So while I completely agree with people despising Patrick, I don't think it’s a big mystery or confusing as to why he goes through the whole confession with Daniel before killing himself.

Thanks again for your comments, I'm glad you liked it. I won't be pulling this apart, the draft has really only changed superficially since the time I wrote it, mainly technical stuff within the actual writing. I do have an alternative draft that adopts a non-linear approach to the story with some significant changes but this draft will be staying pretty much as it is.

Let me know if you have anything of yours you want me to read, I would be more than happy to take a look.

Cheers.

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  December 31st, 2009, 12:26pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 74 - 101
razi
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
New


non serviam

Location
Pakistan
Posts
51
Posts Per Day
0.01
superb full stop! .

I liked it. This is what  one has to realize if u want your story to be filmed while writing a short it has to be a low budget script.

I could see the 3 Act structure ... least amount of exposition ... a wacky protagonist .. i loved the way u ended it ... as a reader i wanted to stop him from jumping lol.

A job well done


Logged Offline
Site Private Message YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 75 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Razi

Thank you for the read and kind words.

If you have anything up on the boards, let me know.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 76 - 101
bert
Posted: January 1st, 2010, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
Happy New Year, colonel.  I do not think I have ever read one of your works.  Have I?

I forget, but then, I have been quite lax in my reading of late. One of my resolutions is to read more, and I will likely knock out a few today between bowl games -- as my head is pounding too hard to accomplish much else.

This script keeps popping up enough that I figure there must be something there.  I have only glanced at previous comments -- I at least glance at pretty much everything -- enough to glean that reviews have been generally positive.

Upon opening, if 7:54 a.m. is important, that should be a SUPER.  But I do not think it is that important.  In fact, I am not even sure that whole opening, exterior shot is necessary.  I would start inside the train station -- or perhaps on a steaming train.  Something loud and visual.  

Then you catch one of my peeves when you introduce Daniel.  You say his suit is "expensive-looking."  Well, is it expensive or isn�t it?  You are the writer, you decide.  Just say that his suit is expensive and conserve the additional words.

Along these same lines, I am not sure why it is important to note that the toy train strikes Daniel's right foot.  Just say his foot.  Again, conserving words; again, simply nitpicking -- but plucking out all of the unnecessary words really does smooth thing up.  It is just something to look for while composing future works.

And then I just decided to read the remainder and stop nitpicking.  You have a nice kernel of a story, colonel, with an odd reveal that comes at the right time.  I like it when Patrick begins asking about his odds of survival.  That is a nice, ironic twist.

If I would change anything, I would try to make Daniel's discomfort early in the story a little more palpable.  Many scripts incorporate the "guy comes out of nowhere and strikes up a conversation" scenario, and they always strike me as artificial -- as this only occurs in movie world.  It would be nice for once to have one of these characters say something like, "What is your deal?  Why are you even talking to me?" You do make Daniel a little put out with Patrick's intrusiveness, but maybe you do not take it quite far enough.

Also, if this were mine, I would change the very, very end.  Instead of having the little boy shielded by his mother, I would have him sitting on the platform playing with his train, oblivious in the way only children can be.  Rolling his train back and forth or something -- I am not sure -- but bringing that toy train back into the story somehow, for sure.

Hope I have given you a little to think on.  I enjoyed your story, and though I do tend to ramble when I am in the right mood, I really only do that on scripts that seem to show promise, as does this one. Keep on the good work, col.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 77 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 7:47am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Bert

And many happy returns to you too, sir.

I don't think I've had the honour before I'm grateful that you took the time to check it out.

I wouldn't worry about the nitpicking, mainly because I can't really argue about the points you brought up You're correct on all counts.

"In fact, I am not even sure that whole opening, exterior shot is necessary.  I would start inside the train station -- or perhaps on a steaming train.  Something loud and visual."

-- While I think this is an interesting idea, and a great energetic even startling visual to start the piece, I wanted things to be as calm and idyllic as possible in the beginning. This extends to Daniel's meeting with Linda and Joseph to Patrick's initial small talk (although he does openly admit to drink driving quite early, he says it in an almost jocular tone and doesn't reveal the true implications of it until later on) which is chirpy, seemingly in good spirits before his ramblings take a dark turn and build gradually to the climax.

I feel having a loud, noisy, moving train as a n opening image (although more dramatic) may be a bit too ominous of what’s to come, particularly in hindsight after having read the script. I did toy with such an intro as you've mentioned but opted to go for a peaceful establishing shot first to start things nice and innocent. Great suggestion all the same though.

"If I would change anything, I would try to make Daniel's discomfort early in the story a little more palpable.  Many scripts incorporate the "guy comes out of nowhere and strikes up a conversation" scenario, and they always strike me as artificial -- as this only occurs in movie world.  It would be nice for once to have one of these characters say something like, "What is your deal?  Why are you even talking to me?" You do make Daniel a little put out with Patrick's intrusiveness, but maybe you do not take it quite far enough."

-- Your right or course, these scenarios are ten-a-penny and nine times out of ten Daniel would tell him where to go or just walk away himself. I tried to give the impression that Daniel was a friendly guy, just being nice and playing along. He does make a few gesture to indicate that he thinks Patrick is for the birds but stays quiet out of common courtesy. Plus, since he exchanged some pleasantries with Linda previously it may have got him in the humour to put up with someone like Patrick he wouldn't normally tolerate. But yeah, in reality, this conversation wouldn't have gotten past Patrick's unprovoked DUI confession.

"Also, if this were mine, I would change the very, very end.  Instead of having the little boy shielded by his mother, I would have him sitting on the platform playing with his train, oblivious in the way only children can be.  Rolling his train back and forth or something -- I am not sure -- but bringing that toy train back into the story somehow, for sure."

-- Another good suggestion that would work well. One of the last images I showed before Patrick dashes for the edge was Joseph holding his replica up to the real thing. I thought that would be enough to get the point across as when Patrick does makes contact I would imagine the shock followed by realisation followed by hysteria would ripple through the crowd within a matter of seconds. A mother's instincts in such an environment whether she knew the cause of it or not would be to hold her child close. It would seem rather negligent of her to stare bugged eyed along with everyone else in Daniels direction while her son sat wheeling his toy, unattended.

Having said that, it could strengthen the ending to maybe mention the toy train in Joseph's hands as Linda holds him close. Or perhaps it falls out onto the platform again when she reaches out to him.

Thanks again for the helpful tips, Bert. Let me know if you have anything you'd like me to read. I would love to take a look.

Cheers

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 78 - 101
ajr
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey Col,

Wow, you certainly got plenty of advice on this one!  I stopped reading through the suggestions so I don't know if anything I say was covered already.

Good little story. I think you hid Patrick's intention well enough so his actions do come as a bit of a surprise.

It seems most people here have concentrated on Daniel's interaction with the wife and child. I would like to see more from Daniel once he realizes what Patrick intends to do. Is he the type of person who would be calm, or hysterical? Is he confident he can save Patrick, or does he flail around helplessly looking for someone else to intervene?

In other words I wouldn't rush the jump.  Also I felt sort of flat at the ending. Patrick got what he wanted, the wife has a different brand of justice, and Daniel, though likely horrified at what he saw, gets to go to work, no harm done, so to speak. It's almost like the confidence Patrick showed in him did not manifest itself in any way - almost like Daniel could have witnessed this and been just as affected, or unaffected, if Patrick did not approach him.

I think someone (Mike Shelton) inquired about Daniel pushing Patrick? For me, one way to tie all the interaction together would be to have someone accuse Daniel of doing it. Or maybe as Patrick jumps, and as Daniel loses his grip on him, he slides off with Daniel's prized watch, or ring - something of sentimental value that Daniel loses as well.

Just some thoughts - well done as always!

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 79 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Anthony

Thank you for taking the trouble to read this. You had some interesting reactions to it.

"It seems most people here have concentrated on Daniel's interaction with the wife and child. I would like to see more from Daniel once he realizes what Patrick intends to do. Is he the type of person who would be calm, or hysterical? Is he confident he can save Patrick, or does he flail around helplessly looking for someone else to intervene?"

-- That is a valid query and the way the piece stands it not really answered. Exploring Daniel's character however would take this off in a whole different direction where I never planned on going. Although Daniel is the first person we see and he features in the opening dialogue I think it’s pretty clear by the conclusion that the focus of the story has shifted considerably. I liked that idea of starting off with one person who is presumably the protagonist before he/she ultimately becomes a periphery part of the plot.

I think given the nature of the situation, with everything happening so quick, we never really get to see the possible effects this might have on him. I always wanted to end it at the moment when Patrick jumps, so I guess we'll never know. From his general persona in the preceding conversation, his growing unease around Patrick I would imagine it would have a big effect on him. Whether he will tell Linda of what he has heard is another thing.

"In other words I wouldn't rush the jump.  Also I felt sort of flat at the ending. Patrick got what he wanted, the wife has a different brand of justice, and Daniel, though likely horrified at what he saw, gets to go to work, no harm done, so to speak. It's almost like the confidence Patrick showed in him did not manifest itself in any way - almost like Daniel could have witnessed this and been just as affected, or unaffected, if Patrick did not approach him."

-- I see what you mean, in that everything sort of plays out as intended but that’s the helplessness of it all. That Patrick has this twisted goal, who Daniel was merely an innocent bystander for him to divulge his closing words to. I tried to contain the drama in Patrick's gradual reveal as this screwed up, down and out guy who has never fully recovered from that faithful day in his life…and now never will. By the end, its Patrick’s story, in a way, Patrick’s swansong. Of course this is what’s going on in his disturbed mind frame and outlook on the whole situation, to us it is a despicable act of selfishness.

Although I don't think Linda, even if she did want him dead would derive any kind of justice from this. In her heart of hearts maybe but I reckon the trauma and implication of such a thing would be far stronger than any form of satisfaction that Patrick thinks she will gain. Also I don't envisage Patrick would just "gets to go to work, no harm done" after something like this, he will be or should be in some way deeply affected by what’s happened and the part he had in it. Again it all happens so quick that we never get a chance to fully comprehend it, nor does Daniel. As I said, this is Patrick's story, his decision, the final shots were to (try to) highlight what he has left in his wake.

"I think someone (Mike Shelton) inquired about Daniel pushing Patrick? For me, one way to tie all the interaction together would be to have someone accuse Daniel of doing it. Or maybe as Patrick jumps, and as Daniel loses his grip on him, he slides off with Daniel's prized watch, or ring - something of sentimental value that Daniel loses as well."

-- This is what I attempted and probably failed to imply in the closing shots. The script pretty much ends in the immediate aftermath of Patrick's jumps, I realize there is a hell of a LOT of looking around between Patrick and his own feeble hands loosing grip, the exchanges between him and Linda and between him and the rest of the crowd. I wanted to give the impression that they could well possibly think what Mike suggested, including Linda. It's only after, should Daniel decide to share his experience will the truth come out and the connection it has with Linda. Like anything of this short length, a certain amount is going to be unexplored, open ending and left to interpretation.


Thanks again for your questions and suggestions. They could be very easily incorporated to provide a more fully explained, well rounded piece but like I said, I never planned to develop this past what you see here.

I have written an alternative draft which features scenes from the night before but it essentially covers the same plot except its told via three non linear time lines.

Cheers one again for the comments, Anthony, and please forgive my inane waffling if you were bothered enough to read it. Peace.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 80 - 101
smug
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Very impressed,

good twist and would be easy to film.

I will be definatly reading more of your work.


Brendan
Logged
e-mail Reply: 81 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: February 17th, 2010, 4:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Brendan

Thank you for taking the time to read this, glad you got something from it. Yeah, it would be an easy one to produce and I have had queries relating to it but you know yourself, don't hold your breath for something to actually happen.

Let me know if you have anything else on the boards besides "The Lads". I'll check it out.

P.s. - I love your no nonsense username  

Regards

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 82 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 18th, 2010, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Hey, Alex, if you're reading this I foolishly deleted your email by mistake before taking note of your address. Can you please resend it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 83 - 101
Mr.Z
Posted: July 11th, 2010, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
743
Posts Per Day
0.11
Very good stuff, Col.

I liked the characters' disctinct voices, I liked the dark ending, and how much tension you packed into this little moment.

My only "grip" is that the story takes a little long to take off. I guess you need to establish the woman and her son, but I don't know if it's neccesary to have Daniel interact with them. I'd say the same about the establishing shot of the city.

Or maybe it's just me. I do have a very short attention span.

Anyhow, I'm just nitpicking. This was a solid piece indeed. Good job.  


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 84 - 101
cloroxmartini
Posted: July 11th, 2010, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
I guess trying to get rid of guilt that way is the point here. Seems that maybe the woman would have seen him. Maybe she's seen him a lot and just doesn't care any more to look his way. The suspense was okay...I kind of figured out he was going to off himself, but visually I still think it would have been shocking. Maybe that's it, it's just shocking. And sad. People choose to deal with things in different ways.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 85 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: July 12th, 2010, 3:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Matias

I appreciate you taking the time, glad you got something from it.

I know what you're saying about taking too long to get going, I get that a lot, being a self indulgent prick has that effect on your writing.

I wanted a bystander like Daniel though, someone who Patrick could relay his last rites (if you will) to. A device whereby he can inform the reader of his story and what has led to this situation. Yep, expository as hell but it makes a change from the standard V.O while emotionally incorporating a third party like Daniel, upping the dramatic stakes a notch. Also, I hoped to leave the reader wondering will Daniel tell Linda what Patrick said or just let her find out for herself the significance of the man who has just jumped.

I'm thinking at that moment in time she wouldn't know it was Patrick, it would all happen too fast for her to register it. I guess she would find out later when it made the news or, of course if Daniel decided to divulge his experience immediately prior to the incident.

Cheers for your comments.



Clorox

Thanks for the read.

The woman wouldn't have spotted him, I imagined it to be a big platform where he could easily blend in with the crowd. Its rush hour also so a lot of people would be commuting to work, school, etc. I did say that Linda and her son take their places at the end of the platform after talking to Daniel but I shoulda detailed the magnitude of the platform itself a bit more.

Your dead right about how people deal with their troubles in different ways. Some people who've read this have had big problems with Patrick doing what he done but that's just it, in his messed up mind-frame he is absolving himself while thinking he's doing Linda a big favour, really proving his remorse to her. Of course, he's way off the mark, this will only be a source of trauma for them rather then relief or happiness, but Patrick, in his state, isn't looking at it that way.

Thanks again to both of you for checking it out.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 86 - 101
chelsea
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
156
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hey Howard.

Just gave this a read and found it to be slick, intelligent and real. Maybe it's just me, but I seem to attract the 'Patrick's' of this world and have had many conversations along the lines of your script.

You are a very good writer and kept the pace going nicely. I know comment has been made that Patrick is a little verbose but it's really HIS story so I thought it worked.

Anyhow, good job. Enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of yours.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 87 - 101
khamanna
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hi Howard,

Just read this and really liked it. I felt the characters and Patrick came alive for me. Wondering if Patrick could start with "I killed an actuary once" at the start of his story... But it's your story, don't listen to me

Maybe you could cut some stuff at the beginning to get to the heart of the story faster. maybe not. Just to make it even better - I really enjoyed what you have here. Couldn't pull away from it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 88 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: September 13th, 2010, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Khamanna

Thank you for taking the time. Yeah, this could be probably be cut a little, I haven't looked at it in many a moonshine though. I wrote an alternative draft also which I might post on here sometime.

Cheers again for the read, really appreciate it.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 89 - 101
Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 14th, 2010, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
Howard,

Very solid read, engaging, well paced and efficient.
I was about a page ahead of you on Patrick's death, but you caught up fast.
I was pleasantly surprised you didn't hold onto your twist until the very end.
I feel that's a trap most of the time, being too precious with your twists.
Laying it out for interesting characters to confront, much more fun for me.

You could do a dialogue trim and perhaps punctuate with more awkward silences.
I can see those silences filled with trains whooshing by, I dig that.
Perhaps Patrick could happily announce his recent parole, that's awkward for sure.
Speaking of it like graduating school or something, just a thought.
Keep up the great work!


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 90 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: September 15th, 2010, 4:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
ED

Thanks for the read, delighted you liked the placement of the reveal and it worked for you. Yeah, as I've acknowledged in previous posts this could do with a trim here and an edit there. Although the alternative draft I've written is 12 pages there’s is a lot more going on with it in that the same event is seen through three different perspectives over three separate timelines.

Thanks for the suggestions too, duly noted, I'll take them into consideration when I go to rewrite this.

Let me know if you have anything you want me to read and comment on.

Cheers

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 91 - 101
leitskev
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 8:40am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.64
Howard, this is a nice little hidden gem in the SS archives. I knew pretty much from the moment he appeared that the older guy was going to jump in front of the train. Let's just say I've been there with one of my own scripts. But the rest came as a surprise.

You definitely have opened up a can of possibility here with the surprise conclusion. I'm tempted to think that this was not your original intent when you began writing. It's just where the story happened to take you, which is perhaps the coolest thing about shorts. There are a lot of things you could do with that if you wanted to open up this story again. But as it is, still a more than solid effort.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 92 - 101
Jahon Bahrom
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
New


just write

Location
los angeles
Posts
60
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Howard.
Nice story. Easy to read, easy to follow and visualize.

Good job

Jahon
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 93 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 9:09am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Jahon

Thanks for taking the time to read this and giving your opinion.

Cheers.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 94 - 101
DanielW
Posted: April 27th, 2018, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Melbourne, Australia
Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.03
Col,

I read it, as promised. I've noticed a 9 1/2 year gap between comments, so you may not even read this, which is understandable.

I thought it was a great read and flowed well.
"..if someone come up to me on a train platform and started random chatting like in your story, I would be shuffling and side stepping as far away as possible...." - previous comment. IT IS SO TRUE!!!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 95 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: May 2nd, 2018, 9:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Daniel

Thanks again for checking this out.


Quoted from DanielW
"..if someone come up to me on a train platform and started random chatting like in your story, I would be shuffling and side stepping as far away as possible...." - previous comment. IT IS SO TRUE!!!


- I know, big time. Although, a few of us have probably been in situations similar to this (random strangers making random conversation) yet hung around longer than we should've out of politeness. I tried to show Daniel being weirded out but stopping short of actually walking away. Patrick lures him in with a cheerful demeanour and small talk before getting serious. I reckon it's a combination of curiosity and fear of causing offense that keeps Daniel there...Oh, and to facilitate the story of course

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 96 - 101
Marcela
Posted: November 17th, 2018, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Nottingham, UK
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.05
I loved this one! A little confusing timeline, especially towards the end. The characters are very interesting, so are the dialogues. You hooked me by revealing the story gradually. I'm sure you will find a producer for this one (unless it already happened),
Marcela


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 97 - 101
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 20th, 2018, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3664
Posts Per Day
0.60
Hi Howard,

Now I know I can travel back in time!  

Well done short. One thing I need to mention:

Recently I was listening to a radio program about how different people react to a stressful situation. There were different guests on the show.

One girl, she sounded rather young, had an experience on (don't remember if it was a sky train or a subway) but she and her fellow travellers were watching as a guy was seriously considering jumping. But, no one did anything.

The girl said that that left a lasting impression on her and she always felt so guilty. Even though the guy never jumped. He went into the next car or something.

She said she now has something set on her phone to a suicide hotline and also has done volunteer work in that regard.

I thought it was strange how this was resurrected very soon after hearing that true story...

That, and recently watching again, (a show I thought was done very well) The Taking of Pelham 123...

So yes, I think this is well done.

In filming this, (I don't know much about that aspect but I'm learning)...

I would pay attention to a lot of little details. So... Maybe you can build them into your script.

And go from those little details to wider and larger shots. And then...

When you're back down to where (sorry forgot the name) the Listener Guy tries to save him, you're in that teeny tiny shot mode. Maybe the Listener Guy winds up saving something small that the guy was holding. He was that close to saving him.

So yes... I think: try and work with more cinematics in your writing descriptions. Show the onlookers faces. Even maybe "almost" someone tries to help but backs down.

This lack of helping is apparently a real phenomena. It might be that your script could really help someone some day-- make us all more aware.

Good Job,

Thanks for the Time Travel,

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 98 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 12:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Sandra

Thanks very much for your thoughts. Apologies for not replying sooner as I've been away from the site.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Recently I was listening to a radio program about how different people react to a stressful situation. There were different guests on the show.

One girl, she sounded rather young, had an experience on (don't remember if it was a sky train or a subway) but she and her fellow travellers were watching as a guy was seriously considering jumping. But, no one did anything.

The girl said that that left a lasting impression on her and she always felt so guilty. Even though the guy never jumped. He went into the next car or something.

She said she now has something set on her phone to a suicide hotline and also has done volunteer work in that regard.

I thought it was strange how this was resurrected very soon after hearing that true story...


- That's interesting. Thankfully, I've never been in such a situation as you describe or the one depicted in the script but yeah, it seems from empirical evidence that humans tend to freeze in moments of high stress. Very counter intuitive. C'mon, evolution, sort it out!


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
In filming this, (I don't know much about that aspect but I'm learning)...

I would pay attention to a lot of little details. So... Maybe you can build them into your script.


- Yeah, I'm the same. I've had one short filmed but I wasn't present on set for production. Although this is ostensibly a producible film with minimal locations and characters, the key moment you speak of would require some skill to shoot effectively I think.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
When you're back down to where (sorry forgot the name) the Listener Guy tries to save him, you're in that teeny tiny shot mode. Maybe the Listener Guy winds up saving something small that the guy was holding. He was that close to saving him.


- That's a good suggestion, thanks. I do focus on the minutiae of Daniel gripping Patrick's hand momentarily before losing it (which ties into Patrick dismissive comments earlier about his soft white collar hands) but I never thought of him actually grasping an object of significance. Something to consider.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
So yes... I think: try and work with more cinematics in your writing descriptions. Show the onlookers faces. Even maybe "almost" someone tries to help but backs down.


- Yeah, I mention briefly the shocked faces of onlookers so I don't know if I need to do more in that regard. One person making an attempt to intervene could work but I imagine something like this would happen so quick that you wouldn't have time to react unless you were anticipating it.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
This lack of helping is apparently a real phenomena. It might be that your script could really help someone some day-- make us all more aware.


- That's a nice idea, I guess I'm more cynical than you as I was looking at it more from Patrick's perspective and pain.This is really his story. That a person so far gone would believe what he is doing will make anyone feel better.

Thanks again for taking the time and yes this is an old chestnut on here

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 99 - 101
Steex
Posted: April 2nd, 2019, 10:17am Report to Moderator
New


I drink your milkshake.

Location
Los Angeles by way of Chicago
Posts
263
Posts Per Day
0.06
I'm checking back in to SS for the first time in a few years, and who do I see on top of the thread!?
Just like old times.

I just gave this a read.
I really like where you went with this. I wasn't sure what Patrick's deal was off the bat, but as he kept talking, I felt an impending sense of dread. As he wove his story, I began to realize what was going on. And the ending was a nice little shocker. I wasn't sure if you were actually gonna go there.

Nice, tense moments. Great pacing. Clean, professional feel.
(I'm sure you already know all this, seeing as this script isn't a spring chicken.)

Overall, it was quick and fun! A good read.

-Jim


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 100 - 101
Colkurtz8
Posted: April 4th, 2019, 12:29am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Jim

Thanks for checking this out. Good to see you back around here.


Quoted from Steex
I'm checking back in to SS for the first time in a few years, and who do I see on top of the thread!?

Just like old times.


Ha, actually I’ve been away from the site too for a while. My appearances are sporadic at best.

Quoted from Steex
I really like where you went with this. I wasn't sure what Patrick's deal was off the bat, but as he kept talking, I felt an impending sense of dread. As he wove his story, I began to realize what was going on. And the ending was a nice little shocker. I wasn't sure if you were actually gonna go there.


Yeah, there is a straightforwardness to this that I tinkered around with in the alternative draft that’s also on here. Guy turns up. Starts talking to stranger. Tells his story. Commits suicide. The End. It’s pretty dark and blunt. I tried to incorporate some little details here and there to enrich it and hoped that it would unfold gradually so the reader won’t know Patrick's intentions until Daniel realises and it’s too late.


Quoted from Steex
Nice, tense moments. Great pacing. Clean, professional feel.
(I'm sure you already know all this, seeing as this script isn't a spring chicken.)


Yeah, it’s an old one but it’s always nice to get a read and thoughts from someone so thanks again.

Let me know if I can return the favour. I’m trying to get back into the site again more regularly.

Col.



Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  April 4th, 2019, 1:27am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 101 - 101
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006