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...I liked the story, very cute. It seems like we're always looking for new twists on Christmas and you definitely achieved that here.
...
I liked the Santa character. Very sarcastic and pissed off.
Nice holiday short.
James
Thanks James for giving my short a read. Glad you liked it. And Santa's British as I'm British.
Quoted from Sniper
I thought Karen was a weak character. When she said: "Who are you? Get out of my house, thief", she should have followed that up by running to fetch the shutgun. Instead she just stands there and stutters. I couldn't tell if she was the protagonist or the antagonist, and that hurt the story.
Thanks for the read Rob.
Sorry you didn't like the story. I think the ending could do with upping the stakes but I don't think this will work for you if I fixed it.
As for fetching a shotgun. I don't think like that as in Britain & Ireland we don't have guns or weapons at hand. It's not apart of our culture.
About the family...being a Brit too, I instantly knew what you meant by 'Merry Bloody Christmas', but I was confused as to why Karen and Nathan seem to be American (which I'm assuming from Nathan's use of 'mom' and 'mommy')? Not neccessarily a criticism, just curious as to the reasoning behind it. If they are American, would Nathan be getting an Action Man? I'm not even sure if they make those anymore! I learned Danny was the husband from reading a comment you made on the thread, but in the script it wasn't particularly clear and the sudden introduction of that name threw me for a second. Why isn't Danny home on Christmas Eve, anyway?
The idea about a hurt, offended Santa is a nice one, but a couple of things about him seemed confused. It was quite hard to nail down whether Santa was supposed to be British or not...phrases like "little rascal" and of course "merry bloody Christmas" suggest he is, but "get real lady" and "you gotta be kidding me" seem American. Also, is this Santa old, or young? I suppose he must be quite old if he got Karen a present when she was 5, but his language suggests someone younger. Would an older Santa, more reserved in his language but equally upset, be funnier? I didn't feel sorry for this Santa, but I like the idea of him maybe being an older man who nobody seems to take seriously anymore, rather than the young, brash, aggresive guy here. So Karen could feel really bad about upsetting an old man, but then he does something really unexpectedly mean when she's not expecting it. Just a thought.
Maybe Nathan could see Santa? This is all about who gets to give the little guy a present, after all. Perhaps him being witness to the argument could work.
A few typos:
PAGE 1:
- KAREN: "That'd boy." - What did you mean by that? Either I'm missing something obvious or it doesn't make sense. Probably the former. - 'She lets goes of Nathans hand' - apostrophe missing
PAGE 3:
- SANTA CLAUS: "You damn right a present." - 'You' instead of 'You're'
PAGE 6
- SANTA CLAUS: "Lets see how Nathan will take this." - 'Lets' instead of 'Let's'
I liked this overall, thought it worked nicely. But hope my feedback's useful.
...I was confused as to why Karen and Nathan seem to be American (which I'm assuming from Nathan's use of 'mom' and 'mommy')? Not neccessarily a criticism, just curious as to the reasoning behind it.
My software is American and so I kinda get lazy. I don't like seeing those red lines under my words and I can't be bothered adding mum into the dictionary.
I learned Danny was the husband from reading a comment you made on the thread, but in the script it wasn't particularly clear and the sudden introduction of that name threw me for a second. Why isn't Danny home on Christmas Eve, anyway?
Sometimes people aren't home on Christmas eve. There are so many jobs that prevent people from being at home like a night shift worker, police officer, lorry driver, security etc... I didn't want the confrontation between Santa & Karen to be a three way. I might introduce the father at the end, after Karen gives Santa a dose of her fists of female fury.
It was quite hard to nail down whether Santa was supposed to be British or not...phrases like "little rascal" and of course "merry bloody Christmas" suggest he is, but "get real lady" and "you gotta be kidding me" seem American.
That's my fault. Those lines are common from where I grew up in N.Ireland. I know they don't say this in England but back home is different.
Maybe Nathan could see Santa? This is all about who gets to give the little guy a present, after all. Perhaps him being witness to the argument could work.
The first two I've fixed, thanks. The second two were already fixed. I may have spotted those earlier and uploaded the corrections. Did you save my script at an earlier date?
From the title I wasn’t sure if there would be a ton of blood or Santa Xmas time made British.
Either way I liked it.
HA! i loved every line that came out of Santa's mouth. The character seemed cynical and irritated. Someone I can relate too 
Anyway, I really don't know how to properly comment on it because the read was so fast. That has to be a success on your part. Reading your work is painless and fun.
So, good story, fun Santa, jolly news all around!
Bryan
Shorts: Good Golly Miss Molly No Place Like Home New Moon Rising Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW! The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody Toy Soldier This Modern Love A Virgin State of Mind
... Anyway, I really don't know how to properly comment on it because the read was so fast. That has to be a success on your part. Reading your work is painless and fun.
So, good story, fun Santa, jolly news all around!
Bryan
Thanks for the read Bryan, happy you liked it and that it was painless & fun.