Hey Mike,

Glad you got rid of the keymaster line. Not quite sure about the new line though.

What if she was a psyco killer? She could say something like hey baby, then pull out a huge knife, she misses stabbing him, and sticks it in the door?

Okay, maybe not. Maybe something like: How did you know Terry cloth turns me on? (because of the robe)...

Another thing that felt off was the Dr. Boobela line about how "we have" to make it five minutes.

If he was betting against him would he say "we". I think he'd say something like: Bet you can't make five...

but

I loved these characters. This is my kind of comedy. Insane  
and it would be a blast to see on film.
My new favorite of yours.

Cindy

Hey All, thanks for reading.

A couple more comments about freaky girl's line.  Hmm.  I decided to change to something I fabricated from my own mind, rather than a goof on Ghostbusters, but it's still getting mixed reviews.  I'm not going to stress on it too much, because I think ultimately it's one of those things where it's going to be liked or unliked, or maybe even changed to something entirely different if this were to ever get filmed.  Maybe I should have gone the Jud Apatow route "insert creepy line here".

Steve,

This is probably the first time where it doesn't bother me to know it took someone multiple tries to get through the script.

Col,

To answer your question, they would probably meet in a restaurant or other public place, but I got a little tired of writing scenes in restaurants and wanted to switch it up a bit, so I went with this, which isn't entirely implausible.  For reference, there's a scene in Amazon Women on the Moon where Steve Guttenberg shows up at a a girl's house for a date, and she proceeds to run his driver's license to obtain his entire history.  Kind of a funny scene, but that's neither here nor there.

Cindy,

Interesting idea with the knife, but I think that could take the script into a whole other genre....haha.  As far as the line, I'll probably just sit on it for now.  If something pops into my head, I'll adjust it.  The more random the better I think.

The "we" thing is more like "we need to agree to".  I have a habit of writing things out how I talk myself (yes, my dialogue is just me typing a conversation I'm having in my own head), and that's basically what I would say.

Thanks again everyone.

Ah, the dreaded Dr. Boobela.  This was funny, some of the lines were whacked out as hell.  Purple turkey abacus?  I don't even wanna know where that one came from.  

No real criticism, other than to agree with one of the other reviewers who suggested that the last Igor-like girl who shows up turns the tables on the guys and freaks the living sh1t out of them.  Perhaps shortening the first section to about five pages, establishing the game these guys are playing, then bringing in the freak.  Or what if a girl who got played by these two guys before sends in a girlfriend of hers to act like a total psycho to get a little revenge on these two and beat them at their own game.  

Just a couple ideas.  I enjoyed this one, though.

Hey Cam, thanks for checking it out.

Quoted from Cam17 Ah, the dreaded Dr. Boobela.  This was funny, some of the lines were whacked out as hell.  Purple turkey abacus?  I don't even wanna know where that one came from.

Things like that come from places you don't want to know about.

Quoted from Cam17 No real criticism, other than to agree with one of the other reviewers who suggested that the last Igor-like girl who shows up turns the tables on the guys and freaks the living sh1t out of them.  Perhaps shortening the first section to about five pages, establishing the game these guys are playing, then bringing in the freak.  Or what if a girl who got played by these two guys before sends in a girlfriend of hers to act like a total psycho to get a little revenge on these two and beat them at their own game.

Jesus, I think that's a concept for a feature.

Hey Mike.

Although this isn’t my brand of comedy, this is one of those scripts that needs a second read to absorb the zaniness.
Right off I enjoyed the intro, the part with this girl dressed for a night out, exiting an elevator.  Then strolling down a corridor in search of an apartment.
I liked the early bit of anticipation since I couldn't be sure if Carol was bringing the weirdness, or walking into it.
The wacked-out stuff by Elton worked better on read 2, once I understood his motive.
I like the ending with the strange woman, but her line of dialogue didn't quite cut it for me.  Just to see the woman at the door (and I think this part would work better on film) and then see Elton’s expression as he turn back to the doctor with his "s**t" line was enough.

Maybe add a precursor to date #2. Perhaps while making the high-stakes $100 bet, Boobela reads Girl 2’s profile.  Throw in something unsettling, such as “she’s into grand guignol.”  The guys might not know what that means and blow it off as something kinky.  
Just a thought.

On your next draft, consider adding what I think is missing: Conflict.

The comedy is delivered, but there is no challenge for Elton.  He just does his freaky show and away Carol goes.  It’s like a one-trick pony. If this were a cheap horror film, you might say that Carol is a cardboard character set up to be slaughtered.
Now if you could write Carol as a 3-D character, the story would work better. This could be done pretty easy.
What is her motive?  Her goal?  Why is she willing to go on a date with Elton, meet him at his place and hang around longer than most?
There's got to be a lure.  Elton promised her something or that he would take her some place special.  
Her goal vs. Elton’s goal.
This could be really entertaining for you the writer.  Elton’s upping the weirdness will make more sense.
Also, by developing Carol’s character you help set up Girl #2.  We will wonder what’s next?

Or, if you decide to keep things as is, perhaps the second girl is really Carol.  If she returns in a different outfit and a wig, but still recognizable, Elton will realize that he picked the wrong date to freak out.
Take the above for what it's worth.

Hey Gary,

Thanks for checking it out.  I agree that there isn't much conflict in the script itself, as that element presents itself right when it ends.  It's weird, but I figured that going that route would present a decent payoff while avoiding going on too long.

My main thing here was a to create something like the Wonkatania scene in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  Just random, weird, and potentially scary for some people.

Somebody contacted me about this last week, so I'm holding off on doing anything with it for now, but if that doesn't work out I'll definitely take your suggestions on board in a new draft.

Thanks again.

Awesome! This was fantastic.

Zany wackness I can't get enough of it and you heap it on this script by the truck load.

Some wondeful imagery (strobe light dance my fav) to complement your snappy talking heads.

The only bitch I'm going to have about this one is that I can't believe you had a character called Elton and didn't give him a pair of big loud sunglasses just like - well - like Elton John.  

The punchline was fun but I feel like it took too long to get there. Kinda wanted it to get to the point faster. Overall, I thought it was OK. Could use some cuts here and there.

Best,

G

Mike,

Hilarious. I loved it. My kind of wtf humor. Elton's rant to the radio near the end was great. I had issue with the end. I think it could've ended sooner:

KNOCK at the door.

DOCTOR BOOBELA
Double or Nothing?

[CUT TO BLACK]

...or longer to show a struggle with the freaky girl [if you'd want to make the script double the length it is now, basically]. Obviously he's a good actor if he can act like that without skipping a beat or laughing. I'd like to see him take on that challenge. Good read, keep it up.

-kjb.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for checking it out.

Seems to be a lot of back and forth with this one in regards to length.  Some think it's too long, some think it's too short, and some seem to think that it could go either way.  Interesting.


Tonka,

You always manage to put talking heads into every piece of feedback, but I'm glad you liked the imagery in this as well, since I felt that it would be in the forefront on film.

DirectorG,

I can see your point, but I hope this comes off a bit quicker on screen than it does on the page.  A few others have commented that it would be better visually, so hopefully it ends up that way.

Hatter,

The first ending would lead people to believe that it's just another lamb to the slaughter, and I'm not sure that would give it any legs at the end.  It would just be going in circles.

The second one I could definitely do, although that much weirdness could cause the world to swallow itself. Actually, maybe not.  I've done weirder stuff.

Thanks again for reading all.

I really liked this script.  I thought it was funny and I didn't expect the ending at all.  Personally, I think the length is just about right.  At most, I could see ending it right after the creepy girl's line with an "oh shit" look on Elton's face, rather than cutting back to Dr. Boobela and giving Elton the closing line.

The humor here really reminds me of my sense of humor in high school, as far as the nonsense lines.  I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just uncannily similar to stuff I used to come up with.

Just got a copy of this sent to me today.  It came out a bit differently than I imagined it to play out in my mind, which happens, but here it is.

On another note, there are a couple other people putting this one together.  If anything comes from that, I'll post them here.


Blind Date Bedlam from Irine Prastio on Vimeo.

hi mike, I'm replying after reading the actual script. when I get a chance I'll look at the vid.
This was good! The sort of humour I dig. The things I would gave a go at(in a nice way, of course) are the title: i don't think it fits the off beat story for some reason, and I also think that in the 'real world', Carol would've bolted long before it got going. Maybe when Elton opens the door, definitely when she sees the doctor sitting there.
But this si why we write, isn't it? To suspend belief for awhile. Great writing though. Cheers

The director did a good job with some of the visuals. Lots of subtle funny stuff if you pay attention. It did drag occasionally and overall I think it could have been edited a bit tighter.

Over all, another congrats to you!!  

Hi Mike,

That was an enjoyable script and the video an interesting take on it.

I love the fact she hangs around; it makes me think she IS desperate for anything she can get, and that taps into this notion of a desperado, which makes me think she gets what she deserves.

Be interesting to see other interpretations of the script.

Andrew