Just One Cornetto by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Michael is having a little trouble whilst Mikey runs into trouble,  and then Michael gets into more trouble. 12 - pdf, format

PHHHEEEEEWWWWW!

Oh My God are all the characters in this short played by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit?

I'm not sure if the real Mcornetto can drag your ass off to Judge Judy and sue you for plagerism on Mangia.

It took way to long for this short to get to the point and the shit fight at the end was just. . well . . . a real shit mess of an ending.

Sorry but the big M still holds the big brown shit crown in the gross out humor department.

Haha, it is probably worth pointing out that a Cornetto is actually a brand of ice-cream cone in the UK. It is famous for it's commercials in the 80's that sang "Just one Cornetto". Not sure whether it is available in the US or not.

The irony is of course not lost on me that this does seem to be a "Cornetto Special", I assume it is intentional and Jayrex is really paying homage to our own Mr Cornetto.

I was certainly a gross out script, the writing however was not too shabby and overall not a bad effort really.

Thanks GM for explaining the Cornetto thing.

I've read a lot of good scripts by Javier. This one though, has a phew problems IMHO. It's not the subject matter, but rather the story. I didn't really understand what made them all get sick to their stomachs. Was it the ice cream? If so I think that needs to be clarified. Had it gone bad? Did someone tamper with it? I felt confused about that.

There needed to be one central character I thought.

Why would they not want to open the door and pretend they weren't home when the grand parents came? With a roast in the oven I assume they were expecting them, even if they came early.

What was the deal with the sewer guys? That didn't really lead to anything.

I was somewhat distracted by all the THUMP, PHEW, AHHH   What was that all about?

If this short was intended to be just a joke rather than a story, then you need to have some sort of punchline  in the end. Right now, it just sort of gets messy. I was expecting something that would tie it all together and provide a laugh at the end.

Happy to be able to inspire you, Javier.

Now I can tear the script apart! Bwahahahahah!

Just kidding.  I thought you did a pretty good job with it.  

Things ran a bit on the slow side for much of it but you made up for it with Grandma and her log.  

I did think you needed to make what he did with the ice cream a bit more obvious - I had to read the beginning a second time to catch it.  And also I didn't quite get how Kara didn't catch on that she was serving that ice cream because she knew about it.

Cheers,

Michael

Hello everyone and thanks for the read!

I'll respond to everyone but first I'll explain a wee bit of how this idea came about.

SPOILERS - In a way.

This idea is partly based on a true story from University, partly on Michael's brand of humour and coincidence should have it, Just One Cornetto tied everything together and yes it's a brand of ice cream from Walls sold in the UK.

At uni people kept on stealing my food throughout the year that I had left in the fridge/freezer.  There's only so much I can keep in my room of the halls of residence.  

One day I snapped and was very pissed off with this behaviour of stealing my food.  So after six months or so I opened my freezer to find my ben & jerrys gone.  

I hatched a plan to buy laxatives and put in place a testing method to try and dissolve the tablets crushed up.  I came to realise that melting my ice cream and mixing the crushed tablets before refreezing the ice cream to be the best method.

I bought a packet of 24 tablets, testing two tablets cut in half, for four tests.  That left 22 tablets.  I threw them all in the ice cream tub and even though the warning said no more than two tablets in a day.  I just didn't care.  And besides, it was my ice cream for consumption.  

Anyway, it wasn't long before that tub went missing and even quicker to find the culprit.  He crapped himself for three and a half days.  And from what I hear, presentations went extremely quick.

The guy found out that it was my ice cream and apologise and as a way of saying sorry, he bought me a packet of Cornettos.

And so onto my story.  

I enjoyed Michael's brand of humour and tried to have a stab at it.  My character Michael (I really should have tried to use a more original name) tries a laxative tablet in Just One Cornetto.  The wife asks him to try more, to see if he'll get a better result.  He decides on the tub idea.  But as it turns out, one tablet was all he needed.

Hello Glenn,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from tonkatough It took way to long for this short to get to the point and the shit fight at the end was just. . well . . . a real shit mess of an ending. Sorry but the big M still holds the big brown shit crown in the gross out humor department.

I was hoping that the ending would erase the slow pace at the beginning.  Sorry it didn't pay off for you.

Cheers,


Javier

Thanks for the read GM.

Quoted from Murphy The irony is of course not lost on me that this does seem to be a "Cornetto Special", I assume it is intentional and Jayrex is really paying homage to our own Mr Cornetto. I was certainly a gross out script, the writing however was not too shabby and overall not a bad effort really.

Happy that it wasn't a bad effort after all.  And thanks for pointing out the Just One Cornetto song (a song I chanted at football games, only to twist the lyrics).  This is a homage to the gross out writing that Michael so perfectly treats us every once and a while.

Cheers,


Javier

Thanks Pia for giving this script of mine a read.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I've read a lot of good scripts by Javier. This one though, has a phew problems IMHO. It's not the subject matter, but rather the story. I didn't really understand what made them all get sick to their stomachs. Was it the ice cream? If so I think that needs to be clarified. Had it gone bad? Did someone tamper with it? I felt confused about that.

I hope that I've explained this well enough in my introduction about this script.  Laxatives is what made people's insides loosen up.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Why would they not want to open the door and pretend they weren't home when the grand parents came? With a roast in the oven I assume they were expecting them, even if they came early.

It's not they but rather the 'Michael' character.

Quoted from Grandma Bear What was the deal with the sewer guys? That didn't really lead to anything.

I wrote another script and left these guys out.  This if you can imagine is the intestines and they're inside Michael.  This kinda reminds me of Woody Allen.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I was somewhat distracted by all the THUMP, PHEW, AHHH   What was that all about?

The phew words is from a script of Michael's as I didn't have a clue how to indicate someone farting.

My mate once commented whilst waiting to use the toilet that I sounded like a pregnant woman trying to have a baby.  Sometimes the thumping is necessary to get the right reaction.

Quoted from Grandma Bear If this short was intended to be just a joke rather than a story, then you need to have some sort of punchline  in the end. Right now, it just sort of gets messy. I was expecting something that would tie it all together and provide a laugh at the end.

I was worried about the ending and feel that this may not be as a whole a good script for you.  Then again, the majority may feel this is rubbish.  I'll wait and see.

Thanks for the read.

Regards,


Javier

Thanks for the read Micahel.  And you've guested that your scripts have inspired me.

Quoted from mcornetto Happy to be able to inspire you, Javier. Now I can tear the script apart! Bwahahahahah! Just kidding.  I thought you did a pretty good job with it.   Things ran a bit on the slow side for much of it but you made up for it with Grandma and her log.

With a slow beginning, I do need some redeeming features.  Happy that the log made up for it.  I liked the tiny pods that accompanied it too.

Quoted from mcornetto I did think you needed to make what he did with the ice cream a bit more obvious - I had to read the beginning a second time to catch it.  And also I didn't quite get how Kara didn't catch on that she was serving that ice cream because she knew about it.

I wanted Kara to have her backed turned, and so I had her cleaning the dishes.  Unsure as to what Mikey is up to.  If she was fully aware of the situation, ice cream would be off the menu.

I wanted the beginning to be ambiguous and didn't want to spoil it all.  I tried to write this one slightly differently from my previous scripts.

Cheers for the read,


Javier

Javier,

I reread the beginning and I see what you mean now. I still think you might want to clarify it a little bit more though or maybe I shouldn't try to read scripts at 3:30 in the morning..  

It explained a lot after GM explained about the ice cream, but since there might be more people than me that either don't know what a cornetto is or read way too early in the morning you could just describe it as Cornetto brand ice cream.

Pia  

Hmmm, food for thought Pia.

I'll have to give the Cornetto brand some more description to guide the rest of the world.

I'll get around to this hopefully soon.

I'm so tired now.

Not a fan of this style of comedy myself so i wont comment on the actual story as such, bu i like to post comments on scripts i read. Its well constructed and certainly creates the right imagery, worth a read if you can ahem stomach some graphic toilet (im so sorry) humour!

Hey Jay

I really like this one. Toilet humour obviously but you can't go wrong with it every now and then. What I liked about it most was the fact you kept the storyline subtle at the start. The dialogue was spot on I think and it made the situation believable.

What is letting you down I think, is your proofreading. Too many typos and spelling mistakes that makes a very good script look unprofessional. Whatever you plan to do with a script I think you owe it to yourself and whoever reads the script to clean up the script as much as possible.

I liked everything about the script apart from the typos though, so I had to have a whinge on about something haha.

Good stuff, fella.

Javier

Love the title, reminded me instantly of the add from TV years ago, which I had totally forgotten about.

I can see why people might have been a bit mislead with it considering one of the more prolific contributors here shares the same name. Was this a publicity stunt I wonder.

As always your writing style is short, concise & minimal, a readers dream.

I enjoyed IT for the most part, I particulary like the pacing. The impending doom of the in laws coming for the dinner, given added dread due to Michael's "problem."

The cut to inside Michael's bowels was a nice visual touch and it got us out of Kara & Michael's house for a bit.

Toilet humour works to some degree for me but more often then not its taken too far & loses its shock value. I'm afraid I found this guilty of descending into that pit-fall too.

The ending could work on screen but I found between Betty & Roy shi?ting all over the floor it was OTT, like you were trying too hard to shock us with the worst possible, most dehumanizing scenario imaginable. In my humble opinion it ultimately fell flat.

Expect kind letter from Cornetto thanking you for the exposure, maybe some free ice-creams...Oh, and a lawsuit from B & J   

Overall not bad. The ending I feel needs some reworking. Although I can't really suggest anything, sorry.

Col.

Hello Barkman,

Thanks  for the read, much appreciated.

Quoted from .............................. Not a fan of this style of comedy myself so i wont comment on the actual story as such, bu i like to post comments on scripts i read. Its well constructed and certainly creates the right imagery, worth a read if you can ahem stomach some graphic toilet (im so sorry) humour!

Some people do, some don't.

As for constructed.  If it wasn't for the other writers on this site, I wouldn't have produced this script as it looks now.  So I thank everyone for their comments.

Cheers,


Javier

Hi Ste,

Thanks for read, much appreciated.

Quoted from stebrown Hey Jay I really like this one. Toilet humour obviously but you can't go wrong with it every now and then. What I liked about it most was the fact you kept the storyline subtle at the start. The dialogue was spot on I think and it made the situation believable.

Happy you liked this one.  Just a bit of fun.  What's the chances of getting this one filmed?  Very slim.

Happy that you liked the subtle beginning.  It does feel a bit slow but I was hoping it would be worth it overall.

Quoted from stebrown What is letting you down I think, is your proofreading. Too many typos and spelling mistakes that makes a very good script look unprofessional. Whatever you plan to do with a script I think you owe it to yourself and whoever reads the script to clean up the script as much as possible. I liked everything about the script apart from the typos though, so I had to have a whinge on about something haha. Good stuff, fella.

There's always one thing that will let me down.  I usually get a mate to proofread my scripts but didn't this time around.  I was hoping that I've improved, but I'm only letting myself down.

Cheers for the read,


Javier

Hello Col,

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Love the title, reminded me instantly of the add from TV years ago, which I had totally forgotten about.

Could the advert posted by GM be the one?

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I can see why people might have been a bit mislead with it considering one of the more prolific contributors here shares the same name. Was this a publicity stunt I wonder.

Well, with a title like that.  Its bound to raise an eyebrow.  Maybe I should link everyone to one of Michael's scripts to show why they're fun to read ????

Quoted from Colkurtz8 As always your writing style is short, conCise & minimal, a readers dream.

That's what I love to read.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 ...The cut to inside Michael's bowels was a nice visual touch and it got us out of Kara & Michael's house for a bit.

I wasn't sure if this had worked.  It was wee bit out there compared with the rest of the script.  Especially with the picture I was painting.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Toilet humour works to some degree for me but more often then not its takn too far & loses its shock value. I'm afraid I found this guilty of descending into that pit-fall too.

I tried for this not to be over-the-top but feel in comparison to others.  It's not bad.  For the most part it's just sounds.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The ending could work on screen but I found between Betty & Roy shi?ting all over the floor it was OTT, like you were trying too hard to shock us with the worst possible, most dehumanizing scenario imaginable. In my humble opinion it ultimately fell flat.

Fair enough.  But I could tell you some really disgusting true stories (not me) that if I wrote them up would be OTT.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Expect kind letter from Cornetto thanking you for the exposure, maybe some free ice-creams...Oh, and a lawsuit from B & J

Also linked to one of his scripts.  Double the exposure.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Overall not bad. The ending I feel needs some reworking. Although I can't really suggest anything, sorry. Col.

Fair enough.  I felt the ending is good as it is.  But feel free to post your opinion on a better ending if you think of one.

Cheers,


Javier

I always wondered how the human digestive system worked...turns out it's a bunch of little miners in your guts.

I like how you didn't hold back.  I can almost picture you at your computer writing this story and saying to yourself "Should I have the old lady drop a steaming log on the floor?  Uhh...yep."

Nothing like a sh1tfest for sheer laughs.  The whole laxative in ice cream thing is a stroke of genius, I must say.  

The only thing that let me down was the ending.  I'm not exactly sure how to end a story like this.  Maybe with a flush.  But, I was hoping for more of a wrap up.

I'm glad another poster explained that a cornetto is a kind of ice cream cone in the UK.  Otherwise, I would of thought you were really going after mccornetto with this story.

But overall, this was some good sh1t.

Cam

Hi Javier, i just read this. I'v ealways been intrigued by Michael's surname because Cornettos are ice creams here in Australia, also called a Drumstick. They are unreal too.
Yeah, I understand the script better after reading the explaination. I knew it was a piss-take of Michael's humour but didn't pick the laxative ref at first. Good flowing writing though a little of the dialogue seemed forced. the 'log' was a surprise, and 'pod' as well. Great to read different names for the stuff! I would've worked 'cable' in there somewhere!  Anyway. a fun piece.

Thanks Cam for giving this off coloured script a read.  Sorry for the late reply.

Quoted from Cam17 ... I like how you didn't hold back.  I can almost picture you at your computer writing this story and saying to yourself "Should I have the old lady drop a steaming log on the floor?  Uhh...yep."

Yep, that's how my mind works.

Quoted from Cam17 Nothing like a sh1tfest for sheer laughs.  The whole laxative in ice cream thing is a stroke of genius, I must say.

Thanks, it helps that this was a true story.

Quoted from Cam17 The only thing that let me down was the ending.  I'm not exactly sure how to end a story like this.  Maybe with a flush.  But, I was hoping for more of a wrap up.

I wasn't sure about this ending.  Do I end up with dialogue or action?  I tried something different with the way I wrote this and as you can see, that's how it ended.

Quoted from Cam17 I'm glad another poster explained that a cornetto is a kind of ice cream cone in the UK.  Otherwise, I would of thought you were really going after mccornetto with this story.

I wasn't sure if people would get this.  Mainly the Brits and possibly the Aussies.  Turns out a good crowd understand this.  But aside from that, does it work for the others?  It's a little so so with people, I think.

Quoted from Cam17 But overall, this was some good sh1t. Cam

Good shit is better than bad shit, thanks!


Javier

Hi Steve, thanks for giving this pile of shit a read.

Quoted from stevie Hi Javier, i just read this. I'v ealways been intrigued by Michael's surname because Cornettos are ice creams here in Australia, also called a Drumstick. They are unreal too.

I suppose I was too.  Especially as the Walls ice-cream song has stuck with me for over a decade now.  That's what good advertising can do to you.

Quoted from stevie Yeah, I understand the script better after reading the explaination. I knew it was a piss-take of Michael's humour but didn't pick the laxative ref at first. Good flowing writing though a little of the dialogue seemed forced. the 'log' was a surprise, and 'pod' as well. Great to read different names for the stuff! I would've worked 'cable' in there somewhere!  Anyway. a fun piece.

With the laxative idea, I wanted that so subtle that some people wouldn't see this but for others to guess.

Coming with those words was tricky.  The never-ending cable could be an idea.

Happy you found this a fun piece.

All the best,


Javier