SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:41pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Do You Have A Clubcard? Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Do You Have A Clubcard?  (currently 5892 views)
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 27th, 2009, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
My sincerest apologies


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 53
Cam17
Posted: April 7th, 2009, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.03
Col,

I liked this.  Your characters were well-defined and remained true to themselves throughout the story.  I love that idea of a retail groupie.  Score one for the working man.  Where the hell was this chick when I was sixteen and working at Kroger?  

I agree with another reviewer that you could pare it down a bit, maybe down to 30-35 pages by trimming some scenes and dialogue.  

The core of the comedy here is Nicole's obsession with clerks.  It's funny because it makes no sense.  I was thinking that you could have exploited this even further.  Like maybe Thomas looks through some of her old pictures and, in every one of them, she's smiling with some guy from a different retail chain.  Or, she has a wall covered with mementos of her previous conquests.  Reminds me of a line from one of the Wayne's World movies:  "I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets."

But this was a good slice of working class comedy.

Cam





Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 53
Andrew
Posted: April 8th, 2009, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Col,

Just finished reading this one, and it was an enjoyable read.

I am interested what your intentions are with this one - the length is not really appropriate to anything but a 30 minute sitcom, I think. The way I see it, if you are looking to commercialise this script, you have two options:

1) Turn it into a feature.
2) Trim the script down into a 30 minute show, and create a series.

Personally, I loved the premise of the script - it was amusing, and worked as a self-contained story. As Cam stated, this story hinges on Nicole and her unfathomable - but entertaining - desire for supermarket boys. There is scope for this to work on screen, no question.

My suggestion regards the series idea is that you could use Thomas and Bill as a vessel for a succession of stories in subsequent 30 minute episodes, utilising the quirks of supermarket shoppers. Here Thomas is totally used by a vamp, and this is owing to his otherwise unremarkable job - but, it becomes remarkable 'cos of an unhinged girl. Not sure how developed Thomas and Bill are in your mind, but if these guys are strong characters, I really think you could make this work as a series.

Perhaps in the next episode, Thomas or Bill become embroiled with shoplifters, or whatever - the world is your oyster.

My only real criticism is with Mr. Reeve, he felt like a character created only to payoff with the suspension, and his relationship with Thomas felt a little too like Marty McFly and Mr. Strickland.

To finish then - a job well done.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: April 9th, 2009, 3:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Cam

Thanks for reading, I understand the length is a bit daunting especially on the shorts board. Glad you were able to get through it.

"It's funny because it makes no sense." -- I'm glad you said this as it was exactly my thinking when writing it. The initial absurd premise was, in a way, a device to let me take the story in any direction I wanted.  From the out set I tried to make it clear that this was by no means a serious script of any kind. That this was to be taken with a pinch of salt.

"I was thinking that you could have exploited this even further.  Like maybe Thomas looks through some of her old pictures and, in every one of them, she's smiling with some guy from a different retail chain.  Or, she has a wall covered with mementos of her previous conquests."

-- Yeah I could have really milked the whole obsession thing, as you say it is the core of the piece but I wanted to keep reins on it to some degree. If I sensationalized it too much I felt it could loose some of its surprise value. You've made some good suggestions although Thomas would've probably run a mile if she had stuff all over her room and that...Even a sexually frustrated, mid twenties male have their limits when it comes to the prospect of gettin' "sex on tap" of a gorgeous woman...don't we?

Thanks again for taking the time, much appreciated.



Andrew

Cheers for reading, considering you've only posted "short shorts" on here so far, I appreciate you taking this on. If you have anything of a similar length I'd be more than happy to take a look.

Yeah, the two options you mentioned came to my mind too. Personally I've no desire to turn it into a sitcom as I don't particularly like that genre of television. Shortening it down to a  manageable size would be more in my line of thinking although I've moved on to other things since so I've no ambition to do anything with it for the moment.

I like your summation of Nicole's influence on Thomas's otherwise boring, listless existence and see the potential here for a sitcom. But I never in a million years envisaged this being made or anything when writing this. It was an idea that came to me and just grew and grew.

It's been the most fun I've had writing yet, as thats all I ever intended it to be...a bit of fun

I see how Reeve could come off as your standard prick of a boss. Ha, I like the Marty Mac reference. I didn't mean for it to be has hammed up as that but given Thomas's attitude I think its only right that he wouldn't be a manager's best friend.

Many thanks again for reading, Andrew. Ill check out your "Cruiseaholics" when it hits the site.

Cheers

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 33 - 53
grademan
Posted: June 3rd, 2009, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey Col.

I was propelled through the 40 pages! Like others have said before, very well constructed and great characters with fine dialogue. A little on the descrptive side early on.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 3rd, 2009, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Grademan

Cheers for the read. Yeah, I know its a bit wordy in places, I've been meaning to go over it again and tighten it up .

Glad you could get through it, much appreciated.

If you have anything on here that I haven't read, let me know.

Cheers

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 53
James R
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
Holy crap, Howard! I just looked at this message board and didn't see any review from myself! I read this a while back and thought I had posted a review, I feel terrible about it. I'll give it another read through and post soon.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
No problem James whenever you find the time. I've been meaning to give this a re-read as my writing (I'd like to believe) has tightened up somewhat since I posted this.

Thanks for your interest.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 37 - 53
James R
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey, Col. This was a good short, very entertaining.

I like the banter between Bill and Thomas. I remember wondering if Thomas would really use a word like “misanthropist”, or maybe it’s a more common word over there? Then again, a lot of the dialogue is like that – reminiscent of Kevin Smith dialogue.

I find the eye exchanges between Thomas and Nicole at their initial meeting a little confusing. Filming that many facial expression exchanges might prove very difficult.

It’s a very odd fetish, isn’t it? Did you actually meet anyone with this particular one, or is this just a case of making the past more exciting than it actually was?

Teasing us with the woman back at the supermarket and the “clubcard” line was pretty good. Nice way to tie it all up.

This would be pretty easy to film and would be funny to watch. Good writing, pretty tight, very few errors.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: August 21st, 2009, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
James

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I understand its a daunting length for a short. As I said I do plan to reread and tighten it up, I literally haven't looked at it in a few months now.

I'm glad you got some enjoyment from it and maybe a few laughs or what the fu?k moments. It was probably the most fun I've had writing yet.

I know what you mean about the confusion you may have experienced during the initial Thomas and Nicole meeting. Its a difficult scene to document as its all body language ad suggestive looks. Filming it would be tough also. I'll be giving it special attention during the revision

Yep it is a very odd fetish, it just came to me. Unfortunately I don’t know a woman like Nicole, she would be an interesting person to be around, although I don't work in a "uniformed position" so I wouldn't stand a chance with her.

Thanks again for the read, much appreciated, man.

Cheers.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 39 - 53
rendevous
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43
Col,

Enjoyed this one. Can't say I've seen a film or tv show like it. The only similar thing that springs to mind is Caroline "Mrs. Merton / Royal Family" Aherne doing the sarcastic comments as she tills products.


Quoted from Fast Show
Oh, meal for one. And it's Saturday night as well, awww. Big bottle of vokda, hmmm, that'll take your mind of it though eh?


Good plot and characters. I'd like to see more character intro description though as I find it hard to picture them, which also means I find it harder than I should to remember their names and quirks.

Coupla typos here and there, coupla strange wordings too. I'll send you a PDF of that stuff if you like. Makes it clearer and easier than doing a big long silly list of that stuff.


Quoted from Thomas in DYHACC?
I heard the tall one say how he’s gonna write his name on all his
stuff when they get back to whatever hovel they’re squatting
in...What a fascist.


I've heard lads say stuff just like that and thought the same. Made me chuckle.

Good clear descriptions of the action and interaction though so I could see all that clearly enough, which was well done and enjoyable.

Bit of telling instead of showing going on here and there. I'd always add a bit more action / description of expressions and reactions to asides, unfilmables and tells to lessen it.

I'm usually against numbering characters by type, especially when they have lines. I'd much rather give them names. Unless they are very minor parts I'd err on the side of the naming them. Unless they are coppers. Or soldiers. As not naming them can give characters a more sinister edge than they would otherwise have.


Quoted from DYHACC?
THOMAS
No, sir, just gonna bask in the
contentment of not having to be
here for another seventy two
hours. Grace and Alex are on
holidays for a week so I’m free of
listening to their shit also.
BILL
The tantric sex?


Good dialogue. I'd shift that 'also' as it sounds weird as it is.

There's some good writing throughout. Some of it though needs polishing and rewording.

Some dropping from the present tense to the past occasionally. It's fine when referring to clothing and when something has already happened but action and the like is always gonna read better when written as now rather than then.


Quoted from DYHACC?
A couple of them swear under their breath but don’t protest
vocally.


Almost a contraction but not quite. It doesn't read well though.


Quoted from DYHACC?
THOMAS (CONT’D)
Do you have a clubcard?
At the sound of this, Nicole lets out a GIGGLE and squirms
ever so slightly. Thomas pretends not to notice but his
half furrowed brow gives him away.


That made me laugh.


Quoted from DYHACC?
NICOLE
I have a particular fondness for
supermarket uniforms if you must
know. Especially the stripy number
you’ve got goin’ on there.


That too.


Quoted from DYHACC?
fuck-me boots


Ah, a very underused phrase. Not seen in a while. Must drop it into one of mine sometime.


Quoted from DYHACC?
He smells himself, grabs for the deodorant.


Makes him sound like a dog. I'd be more specific as it currently sounds like he's smelling his crotch.


Quoted from DYHACC?
NICOLE
Pick me up there straight after
you finish work, k?
(stares at him)
Now I mean straight after, no
going home first to change or
whatever.


That made me laugh as well.

Page 15 gets very interesting. A good idea to take such an often spoken phrase and turn into something else.


Quoted from DYHACC?
INT. SUPERMARKET - CHECKOUTS – MORNING
A clubcard swipes through the card reader. Thomas forces a
smile at the customer as she grabs her bags and walks away.


A well written change of scene that.


Quoted from DYHACC?
A set of knee high boots clip clop their way through the
supermarket.


Good image. Be better of they made a noise on the tiles as they did so though.

I liked the POV too, that worked for me. I'd throw some breathing noises in there.



Quoted from DYHACC?
Thomas’s car JOLTS forward violently, someone has rammed
him from behind -- Thomas knocks his head off the steering
wheel. He struggles to keep the car under control. Nicole
lets out a SCREAM.


The past tense with "rammed him from behind" lets that bit down.


Quoted from DYHACC?
THOMAS
What do you mean ”Oh”?!


That made me laugh.

I'd drop all the CONTINUOUS stuff as it seems obvious to me.

The Crash reference made me laugh too.


Quoted from DYHACC?
GARY (CONT’D
The polo shirt...and I get to say
the line too, motherfucker.


Very good. The way it progresses is good too, particularly with the three in Nicole's house.



Quoted from DYHACC?
THOMAS’S BEDROOM - LATER
Thomas lies awake in bed. MOANS and a bed ROCKING are heard
faintly in another room. Thomas stares at the ceiling.


Excellent.

Overall it's a very good story. I liked the end and the full circle.

I'd say it does need a polish. Some great writing and some that needs work. Nevertheless, very enjoyable indeed Col.

RV



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 40 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 2nd, 2009, 7:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
RV

Thanks for the read, man, glad you got some enjoyment and a few laughs from it. This was more a bit of fun than anything as can be detected from the subject matter, just one of those random things that come into your head and you end up going with it and a story flowers around it. I agree, some of it works, some of it doesn't.

Good catches on prose side of things, I will implement them when I go to clean it up.

Glad you liked some of the lines. It’s a kind of humour and comedy that will work for some and not others.

I'd must defend the CONTINUOUS usage though. Sure, it might be obvious but it doesn't do any harm either. It's all contained within the location slug line so no extra space is being sacrificed. I'm a firm believer in descriptive scene locations as long as they stay within the confines of the single line.

Thanks again for the read, greatly appreciated.

p.s Fast show quote will always have their place in my books, great to have one on the thread.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 41 - 53
Brian M
Posted: December 3rd, 2009, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.08
I'm a massive Kevin Smith fan so scripts or movies set in supermarkets or other dead-end jobs always appeal to me. This was no different. The 39 pages flew by and I enjoyed every one of them. How I wish I knew someone like Nicole. What a girl!

Most others have commented on the descriptions going on a bit. The bedroom posters during sex pushed it too far for me. You even mentioned Robert De Niro in one of the paragraphs there, a bit much in my opinion.

I did have a slight problem, not a major problem, with the boss. I think you need to show Thomas being really cheeky to him at the start so the boss doesn't come across as hating him for the sake of it. Also, suspension without pay is quite extreme, especially for four weeks. Where I work, there's not even a workers union to fight for our rights so we get screwed in every way by our employer, but suspensions always come with pay and are never over a week in length. I can't speak for other workplaces, but four weeks does sound too much. Missing four weeks pay for someone most likely on minimum wage could make them homeless.

Great work with the dialogue, one of the strongest aspects here without a doubt.

I can't help but think you missed a great opportunity with the ending. When you mentioned the woman was in line behind the wannabes, I was sure it was going to be Nicole's mother who suffers from the same fetish, even more so when you mentioned her age to be in the 40's. I was really expecting Bill to deliver a perfect 10 score of the clubcard line and the woman to start giggling like Nicole did as Thomas watches on. Don't get me wrong, I liked the ending, I just thought that opportunity was there for the taking.

Very enjoyable read, all in all. Great job, sir.

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 42 - 53
Colkurtz8
Posted: December 4th, 2009, 4:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Brian

Cheers for taking this on, I know the page count is a bit daunting for the shorts section, an awkward length in any regard, halfway between a short and a feature so I appreciate you making the effort.

"Most others have commented on the descriptions going on a bit. The bedroom posters during sex pushed it too far for me. You even mentioned Robert De Niro in one of the paragraphs there, a bit much in my opinion."

-- I see what you mean about the Raging Bull poster, I understand it is "a bit much". It's just that particular film and that particular actor in that particular role is one of the most mesmerising film experiences I've ever...well, experienced. De Niro as La Motta, for me, is the ultimate portrayal of a "man" in every sense of the word, the good and bad, warts an all, no quarter asked or given. The sheer masculinity of that performance from beginning to end, from when he's at the top to down in down in the gutter (punching the prison wall with all his might) he never wavers or compromises so showing that poster at that point in this story was to counterbalance the dominating Nicole over the dominated Thomas. I know its a tad self indulgent and maybe too overt but what can I say, I love the film, the man and the poster stuck up on my room wall. Point taken all the same.

"I did have a slight problem, not a major problem, with the boss. I think you need to show Thomas being really cheeky to him at the start so the boss doesn't come across as hating him for the sake of it. Also, suspension without pay is quite extreme, especially for four weeks. Where I work, there's not even a workers union to fight for our rights so we get screwed in every way by our employer, but suspensions always come with pay and are never over a week in length. I can't speak for other workplaces, but four weeks does sound too much. Missing four weeks pay for someone most likely on minimum wage could make them homeless."

-- Again, a fair point about Mr. Reeve, he is a bit of a caricature. Still at 39 pages I  hadn't really the time to construct a specific scene to give reason why he dislikes Thomas so much. I though that conveying Thomas to be the bitter, cynical employee from the beginning would be enough of an indication for the audience that Reeve simply doesn't like Thomas because of his surly demeanour and bitter attitude towards his job, no Boss is gonna, you know. This was something I tried to get across in the opening scenes with Thomas and his handling of the students.

Essentially, I wanted to give the impression that Reeve didn't like Thomas before all this started as opposed to setting up a scenario where Thomas somehow pisses off Reeve then bam! the whole Nicole episode begins. I was my belief  that this would come off a little too set up and contrived, if you know what I mean?

At the same time, ya, Reeve is probably too much of a cu?t to him.

In terms of the suspension, ya its harsh, but again I was fuelling it on Reeve's disdain for Thomas. Plus there's every chance that he may be jealous of the fact that this waster is tapping a fit woman like Nicole.

Having said that, I could easily trim it back to a week or two with pay, it wouldn't make a whole pile of difference to the outcome.

"I can't help but think you missed a great opportunity with the ending. When you mentioned the woman was in line behind the wannabes, I was sure it was going to be Nicole's mother who suffers from the same fetish, even more so when you mentioned her age to be in the 40's. I was really expecting Bill to deliver a perfect 10 score of the clubcard line and the woman to start giggling like Nicole did as Thomas watches on. Don't get me wrong, I liked the ending, I just thought that opportunity was there for the taking."

-- I did mull over this for a time after the first draft. Someone else suggested it too and I really thought about it but in the end I felt it would be too much of a coincidence, possibly a little too silly. Now ,I know the pitch of the script is totally ridiculous to begin with but, in my opinion, this would be overstepping it, especially if it were Nicole's mother of all people. A matter of taste I suppose but I will have you know that I did consider something like you mentioned for awhile but ultimately opted against it.

It can always be included as a deleted scene/alternate ending on the 10yr anniversary 7 disc special edition!

Anyway, thanks again for the read and thoughtful comments, much appreciated.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 43 - 53
ajr
Posted: December 7th, 2009, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
colkurtz,

Saw all the good press so I wanted to read this. Let me first say that in the short time I've been here this has been the easiest read, which is a testament to your writing style.

Very nice job in the setup and with keeping the story going. Nice re-introduction of Gary who knows just what Nicole wants. As someone said earlier, I didn't really laugh, but I was interested and intrigued enough to digest this quickly and totally.

Agree with what most people said about the narrative - it can be tighter. Then again, even when you are superfluous you write it so well that I almost don't care.  So I would take a scalpel to it rather than an axe.

Having said all that, these are just minor quibbles or suggestions:

You started Thomas out as a self-described misanthrope, so I pictured him at the outset as sort of a less cheery Rik from "The Young Ones".  Granted you have limited time in which to set him up, however I would rather have seen you take some risks with his dialogue as you went along instead of in some instances giving in to the "Clerks" type banter (in my opinion, by the way, the limited interaction with Thomas and Bill rivals or exceeds what Kevin Smith did.  Maybe it's because I'm a fan of how the Brits write their sitcoms).  For example at the bottom of page 20, Thomas says:

THESE MORNING SHIFTS ARE KILLING ME, MAN. GOT TO COVER FOR JEAN THIS EVENING TOO... SHIT.

I would have preferred Thomas say something political here; comment on last night's news, etc.  Then when Bill says his line you would get the humor from the contrast.

Also the ending - it seems that Thomas is now nothing but resigned.  Maybe make him look through the want ads and come across the "Holy Grail" of retail service positions - something better than Best Prices?  Than he and Bill can banter about it somewhat, and the audience is left with the sense that the cycle may start up again.

As I said, very minor quibbles - overall a really strong effort and I enjoyed reading this.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 44 - 53
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006