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It 1880 that Ned Kelly was a bushranger. Gallopili when the Anzacs stormed the beach at Turkey was 1914, 34 years after Ned Kelly was hanged.
And how would Ned and his gang even know if they are at Gallopili? If it wasn't made famous through war, no Aussie would know what it was.
I'm sorry too but I'm going to have to fine you for Narration abuse.
While your narration was well written, it was best suited for a novel. In movie magic everything Ned described will be up on the screen for everyone to see. So your narration is just repeating what the visuals are showing.
Have your narration short and focus on what Ned is feeling, his emotions. That you can not show on film.
Now I've got all the negative out of the way I can say that your idea of Ned and popping up in world war 1 was strange and cool a very vauge which is a bonus as the audience (us) can sit back and fill in the banks and decide the meaning for ourselves.
So what did i get out of it. Well I believe your story is about when bad people die they go to hell which in truth is not fire and brimestone but the deceased popping up in the middle of a brutal war again and again for eternity. Gallopili, D-day. Hamburger Hill, seige on Stalingrad.
Wow, that was insane, Ol' Neds just gone from one hell to another.. Thats a great monologue you've given Ned, very well written. Is there a to be continued or are you just gonna leave it hanging?
Don't spose you caught the showdown? Port back on top for another week, North Melbourne this week, we might be on a role now that the star player for the kangaroos got "chicken winged".
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Glenn, Alex and Nate, thanks for your comments. I think there's still some confusion about this story. I explained it on an earlier post - this was originally part of a bigger work(straight text) on Ned being reincarnated in different eras and how his life may have panned out in each. I used a bit of that story in this script, as a short, just to see how it read. And also I wanted to do something for Anzac day and this fit. Ned isn't in hell, he has just been reincarnated in Gallipoli, in 1915. His 'old' self has suddenly become aware in the body he would've had if he was born in, say, 1890. He and the Gang would've no doubt signed up to fight and this was my interpretation of that. Um, I may expand on this whole idea at a later stage. Nate, yeah, I agree the dialogue and VO were overdone a bit. If i do more with it, I can probably have it as all action and no narrative later.
alex, I tipped Port in the showdown and they'll beat north this week. My saints are unstoppable at the moment - the pies may get within 6 goals... cheers to all
You've got some interesting set pieces here. A dead man at the gallows. Boats shredded by gunfire. All very intense and cinematic.
That said, I don't see why you had to ruin it all with voice over. The V.O. explains everything. Maybe you've got some interesting ideas floating around but the way it's executed defines anti-cinematic. Not to mention the montage is a mess. I have no idea where any of it is taking place. Honestly, I'd recommend writing this on a linear time and do away with the montage entirely.
I don't know what else to say. This is completely incoherent at this point. I can see you understand that though, which is good. I'll read this again if you decide to rewrite it and hopefully have more constructive criticism for you.
Thanks for the read, James. I've noted the concern with the VO, and will probably end doing this again without it, or with less of it. It was a fine line when writing it so I may look at it at a later stage. cheers man
...I explained it on an earlier post - this was originally part of a bigger work(straight text) on Ned being reincarnated in different eras and how his life may have panned out in each. I used a bit of that story in this script, as a short, just to see how it read. ... Ned isn't in hell, he has just been reincarnated in Gallipoli, in 1915. His 'old' self has suddenly become aware in the body he would've had if he was born in, say, 1890. ...
I understand that he wasn't dead, but it would've made an equally interesting story if he was. I sometimes think 'hell' is that situation/place that a person hates/fears most at the point where his/her life ends.
Sometimes "V.O." work is important and convey's a more powerful message than just showing the audience. I'm a big time fan of the Voice over's in movie's, more so when they have sweeping arrangments behind them.
Anyways, this is, as is common place around here now, a 6 page EPIC... "rolls eyes" ... But a pretty decent one. The thing I hate about all these super short scripts are simply -- We don't know how well you people can write past these intro's. 80% of most anyone can write a few page of solid gold material and hold interest, but how many can retain your attention through 60 and 120 pages?
Movies, by and large, are longer than 6 min and 10 min. Would you pay to see a movie that is only 6 min long? I wouldn't, unless it was attached to about 13 other 6 min epics... 70% of them better be good too.
So, all bitching aside, it was well written but NED KELLY isn't a subject I'm super passionate about...
Hi Trelan (is that spelled right -cool name!) thanks for the kind words. Um, not sure what you meant about the lack of caps; i don't recall missing any? Cheers.
baltis, this was my first go at a short, more of an experiment than anything. thanks for the comments. I have written three other scripts actually, 113, 80 and 50 pages respectively, and most of the other guys that do shorts also have done features. Oh, and the AH FOOK ref was nice!!!
I like the idea, an abbreviated tribute to a hero of your native land is a noble subject to take on. I've never seen the film (The casting of Orlando Bloom doesn't entice me all that much) so my knowledge on Kelly himself is virtually zero.
From a filmic perspective this would be a visual feast. Of course the flip side is that the viability of it is beyond questionable. This would be a costly 7 pages, man.
In some ways I like the V.O, it definitely fits this type of piece. The relaying of past events, in particular true events. It gives it an almost Discovery Channel dramatisation feel, where they build a narrative around a key event in history.
However as a whole I think it could have been cut down in places. I'm not one to criticise someone on the basis of their script being too wordy as its the most common gripe I get about mine but even I felt at times that too much was being said.
You've got plenty of startling and striking images, locations and sequences to work around here, try and let them do they talking. A lot of the time you explain what should be covered in the prose and action description...Then again if you are going for a spectator feel then the V.O will work more effectively in that respect.
I think a page at least could be shaved off this without losing anything significant, storywise (I know from experience, thats a lot easier said then done)
The writing itself is pretty solid, after reading "Dartboard" and "The fill" I think you definitely have a way with dialogue, your strongest aspect in my opinion. The same trend is featured here, regardless of what I said about the V.O being too wordy, its very eloquently expressed nonetheless.
Overall not a bad job. Since its factual based on a specific individual you're not going to appeal to everybody with it. But as a unique and refreshing angle on a certain period in history, I think it works nicely.
Hi Col, thanks mate. I replied to your PM before i read this. Yeah, as I said earlier, I was trying to strike a balance with the VO and the action. I hadn't done one like this before. I didn't want to sacrifice Ned's thoughts too much, so the effect wasn't diluted. So I understand it became a bit unorthodox in pure cinematic terms. I might do some work on this in the future but it was just a shot at a different type of script. cheers.
Ps the Heath Ledger film isn't too bad. I've only seen it once, when it came out in 2003. Orlando is ok as Joe Byrne; his decline as an actor (assuming you think he ahd an incline) came afterwards. I saw Troy for the first time last year - his performance in that is woeful! but he was good in Kingdom of Heaven so go figure. He always looks odd to me with his natural dark hair; the blonde wig in LOTR suits him better, even though his Legolas part is as wooden as a pirate's pegleg.
An interesting little piece here. I have to say, the logline got me hooked straight off the proverbial, however, it went somewhere different to what I envisaged.
Good solid writing, but I think this is geared more towards an Aussie audience, 'cos like many others here, I only know of Ned by name. Naturally that shouldn't impinge on a story, but 'cos it was so short, it was difficult to relate due to the lack of familiarity with the material. I am headed to Oz for a year next February, so I will hopefully be able to engage with it during that period
Hi Andrew, thanks for the read. yeah, I know Ned is purely Aussie but I like the fact a few SS people from overseas have looked at it. I guess the Heath Ledger link makes his story more accessible. That's cool you're coming over here next year. If you go to Melbourne, be sure to check out the old Melbourne Gaol where Ned was executed, and the Gang's armour is on display in the city manin museum. The country he lived in is about three hours north of Melbourne and they have a lot of tourist stuff. Cheers man.
Steve, you have an intersting choice of topics for your works posted here. Boardom, Sent and A man for all time are all great topics. Fine tribute to Kellly and the soldiers ar Gallipoli. Nice imagery. If this is trimmed down, it'll read much tighter.