Boy, is there a lot of voice-over in this script.  I suppose you have already heard that.  The majority of the narrative is well-written, but it seems to weigh the piece down at the same time.

But since we are buying into all the voice-over, I will add that when Ned relates his injuries and recovery, I would have had him muse a bit about the irony of having the best physicians treat him so that he was well enough to execute.

If the voice-over were to be trimmed, I would encourage you to stick to Ned's thoughts, as opposed to having Ned narrate exactly what we are watching; things like, "The noose is fitted around my neck" and "A large spout of water erupts".  

You should let Ned's thoughts unfold in a more subtle fashion, as he reacts to the inexplicable situations around him.  All of this narration is robbing the actor of the possibilities he might convey organically, as the scene unfolds.  There are times when even silence can say quite a bit.

That, and the fact that so much of Ned's narration is so eloquent that they just belong in the descriptive passages.  Especially during the raid on the beach.  Just take Ned's narration, turn it into description, then leave it for Ned and his crew react to that mayhem you are describing.

I have to confess ignorance of the historical events you relate here, and suspect this story would have more resonance for those familiar with these people and events.  But then, I suspect this was written for a specific audience, which is fine.

I can feel the heart in this piece -- even if I do not get all of it -- and that speaks to the power of what you have written.  In my opinion, however, this piece would be stronger still if more were written and less were spoken.

Hi Bert, thanks for the read. Yeah, i'll go through this again when i get a chance. See if I can juggle the VO and action a bit better. Ned's thoughts are the most important part of it and have to be retained to a degree.
I thank everyone for their feedback on this, especially for those not familiar with the historical backgorund of it. Cheers

Stevie, time travelling again. As before you picked a likeable character. Another Irish(ish) rebel. As you said Heath Ledger played him and did make a good job of it. I think Mick Jagger played him a long time ago. NK's fairly well known over this side of the pond. Well, he is to me at least.

I think Bert has nailed the VO for you. It did drag the script after the half way spot. I've seen very few scripts on here with any VO. This is a bit weird seeing how many feature films use it. Fight Club being a prime example of how it can make a film.

I think your voice overs were written well and fairly authentic. I could easily imagine Ledger as Ned saying them. So kudos for that.

Baltis mentioned, in his own inimitable way, about this being the start of a script rather than a completed one. I read your post about this being a series of pieces of NK & co ending up in different places and situations. Now that's not a bad idea for a series. Dr. Who without the kids crap and Life On Mars without the dodgy 70s/80s cops. In other words I'd like to see more.

Stevie,

I don't believe I've ever read anything of yours before so it was fun to read someone new's stuff.

I really liked the beginning of this. Liked how he explained how he felt and so on and I wanted more after the trap door was open. I thought it was going to take a darker turn. That's just me though. Having read your comments about Ned Kelly explains why you couldn't go that route. I had no idea who he was though. I don't believe I've ever even heard of him. That shouldn't really matter though as each story should stand on its own.

The V.O didn't bother me at all. They don't bother me to read, nor do they bother me in films either.

The writing itself was fine. I guess the only issue I had with this was the jump in time and location. That didn't make sense to me at all. If you can find a way to smooth that out and be clear at the same time this should work just fine.

Pia  

Hi Pia, thanks for the read. Um, I thought you read my 'Boardom' short, but that could've been Sandra E? For some reason I get you too mixed up. sometimes it gets confusing with the user names and real names in the same post. Or it could be just me!
Yeah, i may do some more work on this at a later stage. The jump in time was Ned being reincarnated at Gallipoli. I feel if he had born at a later date, he and his mates would've fought in WW1. Its a sort of romanticised imagining on my behalf but Ned fits into the Aussie mould that was later established by the Anzacs. You may to check more out on the Net about this part of history if u like.  Cheers.

Quoted from stevie Hi Pia, thanks for the read. Um, I thought you read my 'Boardom' short, but that could've been Sandra E? For some reason I get you too mixed up.

You get me and Sandra mixed up??   I LOVE Sandra, but we are about as different as can be!! You obviously haven't been here long enough!!  

Hey Stevie

I'll start with me only negative comment.  I thought that with Ned telling the story through V.O's was fine but then he spoke near the end. I know you really needed this to point out where he was but it's a shame you couldn't keep him mute throughout.

The story was good and the ending was great too, a real surprise to me.  My knowledge of Ned Kelly isn't great but I do know he was hanged so your new twist on his story made this even more interesting.  The Gallipoli landing was a good choice for an ending, is this meant to be a metaphor for him being in hell?

I found your writing top notch throughout and this is one of my favourite shorts that I've read for some time.  Nice work mate.

Quoted from Grandma Bear You get me and Sandra mixed up??   I LOVE Sandra, but we are about as different as can be!! You obviously haven't been here long enough!!

OOPs! thought that would create contro! Sorry, i meant Jammin' Girl had read my other short. Sometimes the avatars and names blend together. It won't happen again, i promise!!!

alffy, thanks for the read and comments. Yeah, Ned speaking at the end sort of changed it but i really think he needed to. It meant he was really in a new physical place and time and not in his head. And, no, Gallipoli wasn't meant to be Hell. Interesting that a few people asked that. This was part of a bigger piece that i haven't got to yet. Cheers man, and I'll check out your 'Chocolatier".

Hey stevie,

Interesting piece. I'll try to touch some points that i didn't see on the first page or two of comments.

While there was a bunch of narration, I didn't mind it and enjoyed when you made the economical decision to use some of the dialogue to move the action. While the rule is show not tell, it worked for me.

That being said, it might be interesting to scratch the V.O. during the battle. I think it would help the reader identify with the new confusing situation that Ned finds himself in. The ties to the rest of his gang could be further clarified in the flashbacks at the gallows. Just an idea.

Couple of description sat weird with me. "Pre-dawn." Dawn is the beginning of twilight before sunrise so pre dawn is simply night. Not being too familar with Ned Kelly lore, I have no idea if the Glenrowan hotel is city, frontier, or what. One or two words could be key to clearing this up. Same thing with uniform. Even if you're trying to initially hide the fact that it's a military uniform, you could call it "drab green uniform" or something to that effect. You just say "uniform" which could really be any kind. Military, prision (a prision uniform has already been introduced) or some afterwordly uniform since last we saw Ned was hung.

The main problem I had is it confuses without giving any meaning. I know you said you were inspired by the thought that this might have been Kelly's life if he was born a few years later but this is never insinuated. There is nothing to suggest that in the form of narration. While the idea is really cool, it reads more like Ned Kelly is killed and then transported to the battle of Gallipoli. It's not hell, heaven, reincarnation, or any other semi logical jump. It just is and with it, falls flat.

The writing itself is really well done and other than non capping introductions (i also hate over capping but the first time cast members are introduced it's a must) you seem to have a really good handle on what you're doing. Good show.

Hi Tim, thanks for theh read. You make some good points.
As i sadi earlier, I guess i assumed people would know something about Ned, even our overseas friends.
Glenrowan is a small town in the northeast of Victoria where the Gang's career ended spectacularly. You know, I didn't even think about defing it more.

Pre-dawn? Hmm, i see twilight as more of an evening thing, like before sunset. It was 4.28 a.m when the Anzacs landed.
the uniform? I was trying to conceal the details till the last line, to make the realisation of where they were more powerful. The word military would've been a give away. Ned possibly would'nt know exactly what the outfits were either, he was in a bit of shock still.
This was meant to be part of a larger body of work which i haven't gone back to yet. That's why i only allude to what might be going on. Maybe I'll get to it one day...

Cheers again Tim.

After reading this script, I did some research on Ned Kelly - fascinating stuff.

I really enjoyed this script and honestly don't have much to add to whats already been said. I often struggle with VO so this was a good example of a script with VO's that was well written.

I thought the story was quite unique and i was captivated while reading it. And thats saying a lot since many scripts dont hold my attention haha.

Hi AP, thanks for the read.
Yeah, Ned is one of my heroes. a lot of Aussies feel the same about him. Just that underdog spirit I guess. I've even got a Ned tatt on my back.
I may get back to this one day and re-write it. Cheers again.

Hi Steve,

I stumbled across one line where you descibe a body as reduced to a burnt of meat. I wasn't sure if this was a typo or a phrase I'd just never heard before
Otherwise, this was very well wriitten and clear, athough the voice over did show too much that was already on screen, and didn't add much to the emotion.

I would have liked to hear more on his feelings, especially those final moments before the hanging. Could he see the expressions on the faces of those witnesses? Were any sad? Did any remind him of his mother, or someone he loved? Was there anyone who loved him in that room for his final moments? Would the prisoner (as hamgman), make some small jesture, like laying a hand on his shoulder in solace, before placing the hood? If so, how did that make Ned feel? Sorry, got carried awy there, but you know what I mean, I hope.

I've heard of Ned but wondered how he got to be "Ned Kelly" and whether he might have reflected on this - how Ned the child, got to end up at the gallows.

As for Gallipoli, that must have been hell for those there. I hope those who lost their lives there went to a far better place.
A good read. Thanks.

Best,

H

Hi harriet, thanks for the kind words.
you make some interesting poiunts which i could use in a re-write.
The burnt bit should be burnt piece of meat - i didn't realise the word was still missing. There were photos taken during the sige at Glenrowan. one shows Dan and Steve's horribly burnt bodies lying on sheets of bark.

Um, nice thought about Ned as a child. The priest who baptised him was the priest at his execution!
Yeah, we can wonder about Ned's last momenst. I think he was relieved it was all over. There was a last minute petition organised to save him and thousands of peolpe signed it. but to no avail. I imagine though that death would've been preferable to being locked up for years, especially for a bush lad.

and yeah, Gallipoli would've been a nightmare. I went there years ago and the cliffs are straight up from the beach. no cover at all.  very brave men...

cheers stevie

Interesting story, Stevie. Gallipoli is an infamous battle for Australians, a painful but still prideful one, I think. I don't know about the Kelly's gang thing, is that also based on real history, a robbery of some kind?

Anyway, I have no problem with the use of VO here, and I don't know how you could tell the story without it. I am a little curious about what happened. Is this a tale of reincarnation? If so they would not look the same, so I guess not. So I would really like to hear some more.

I like these kinds of stories. First, I like stories based on history. Second, you've combined outlaws with warriors, where the outlaws of one era are the war hero's of another. Very cool. And finally, the gallows tale never gets dull. Never.

I remember in high school seeing a short movie. No idea what it's called. One of those things they show in class. I think it took place in American Civil War times, not sure, was long time ago. But this guy is being executed. They are hanging him from a bridge. Then the rope breaks, he lands in the water, and the whole film is about his harrowing escape up the river, in the woods. And then he is suddenly being hung. It was all a dream fantasy before his death. I don't remember the detailsm but I liked the film.

So I would welcome more work like this. I think the VO could be tweaked a little here, but overall it worked. I will look at other posts and see if you've already answered my questions.