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like you think you have a really cool idea and don't know what comes next, so spit this out. this is not a short. it's an intro. interesting, yes. want to know more? yes. but there ain't no more.
This does seem like an interesting opening scene. The modern day/futuristic elements works with the story but, by itself, it's just an incomplete piece.
Hey Trelan, sorry but I’ve got to agree with what’s been said above. I felt that this was more a “scene-select” - a teaser for a feature. What’s with the proliferation of shorter than short “shorts”?
Also, bit of advice - your title page font is too large – sorry but it screams “needy” and unprofessional.
And, your main character: “JACK (late teens, gangly) bounds around the table and hugs Pamela from behind” reads as a much younger kid – made me think of the kids in “Big” – that age.
If this was a set-up for a feature then you at least hooked me but, I want more! Libby.
I read it... It's 3 pages long. This could've been put in the "work in progress" section. It doesn't even end. Am I missing some of the script? It's going along, she slaps the thing out of ol'buddies hand, and then it ends... FADE OUT:
Anyways, a few things I noticed were things like
"His eyes searches" -- I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense.
Some of the dialogue was a bit hit and miss. For instance when his mother says --
"Trust, Jack"
That seems kind of informal for a mother/son conversation. Unless Jack likes to be reffered to in the 3rd person. I dunno... people like that sort of thing.
All in all, I read this because I had done a "Jack and The Beanstalk" script a few years back and was seeing how this take went down. It was called "JACK'S TRIP" and dealt with a teenage dope fiend "Jack" who gave his girlfriend to a druggy in an alley in exchange for some pills. "magic beans" and thus he went on a trip up a beanstalk... It then, of course, took a turn into a horror script.
Wow! I was about to send Don an email asking if this would be posted!
Ok, this was my very first script written a few years ago. I found it in an email to myself and decided to post it. My instructor had asked me to marry a fable with a sci-fi twist.
LC, yeah, I reviewed it and thought I should've said 'early teens' or change his dialogue to match his age. Also, I didn't format the title page, Final Draft did.
I'm thinking of finishing it but I like the feedback. I thought you guys would've complained about the dialogue.
Baltis, his eyes searches(probable should have been 'search') suggests the camera panning the fridge.
Yeah, as everyone else has said, this isn't a short...it's a 3 page beginning to a much longer script. And because of that, it doesn't belong here.
IMO, way too many wrylies used in 3 pages. Also thought most of the dialogue didn't really sound too good. And finally, as LC said, the kid sounds much younger than late teens, based on his actions and dialogue.
It does have the makings to be very interesting though...maybe that's why I'm irritated that it just ends.
Yeah, as everyone else has said, this isn't a short...it's a 3 page beginning to a much longer script. And because of that, it doesn't belong here.
IMO, way too many wrylies used in 3 pages. Also thought most of the dialogue didn't really sound too good. And finally, as LC said, the kid sounds much younger than late teens, based on his actions and dialogue.
It does have the makings to be very interesting though...maybe that's why I'm irritated that it just ends.
Honestly Dreamscale, this sounds like you're just repeating what's been said without your own take. Well except the wrylies, which I'll say is just a matter of taste and not a hard and fast rule.
As for it not being a short, it's a short until I develope it further. I'm sketching out ideas now...
"Sorry, but this makes no sense to me. Every character, written well, ought to be unique, or at any rate, identifiable. The dialogue was trite. People in real life don't speak this way: It felt... unnatural. I think the twist was quite nice but the setup wasn't good enough."
According to IMDB Jack and the Beanstalk http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=jack+beanstalk&x=0&y=0 has been done 33 times. "Can I ask though; why does everyone borrow from already existing films? Can we see some originality? Plagiarism and regurgitation bug me. They really do"
LOL! Michel, don't you get tired of feeling this bitterness? Are you going to carry that around for all my scripts?
Yeah, you're right, Jack & the beanstalk's been done before, popular fable that it is. Please remember that I mentioned my instructor asking me to do this. he wanted to see if We had grasp the concept of hitting different beats in a scene.
Still, I'll twist things up further, using this premise...
Well, I don't want to be a parrot, but, this is an incomplete piece, a bit like my own 'Cruiseaholics'. Obviously you know that, but what you have given is a nice opening sequence.
One thing I really liked was the description of the sparse fridge - that really was a great example of showing and not telling.
JamminGirl, I like the concept you have going here. A story behind the story. I also like you're style of writing as well. Very well thought out. So, do you see this being expanded to full length? On it's own, It stands well but I think you can take it to the next level (if you want to) and pull a full length out of it if you are wanting to. Anyway, great job and I look forward to seeing what you have in store with you're future ventures.
I think the format for stage play is less restrictive. But it's more talky and dialogue is action(well it should still move the story forward). and 'theatrics'(or wow factor) needs to be included to keep the audience leaning forward.
This is the first time I've tried to write a stageplay but I have a couple scenes already so I'm excited.
Hey Jammin, Think I'm going to have to join the consensus about this being a good opening scene, but want more from it. Would suggest cutting back on the parentheticals...if they were spread out over the length of a feature I never would have noticed, but since it was only three pages they stood out like a sore thumb. This caught my interest from the start with some solid writing and pacing, but it's just too short to really fill out a full fleshed out story....that said I really liked what you did in such a short piece. Would love to see what you do with an expanded version of this. Nate
I'll go ahead and jump on the bandwagon that this needs to be something longer. I would definately see this as an animated/pixar kids movie, mixing in different bits of fairy tales into a sci fi adventure. im not really qualified to comment on format issues, but I definately enjoyed it. I'd read any expansion that you put out.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
I, too, was just getting in to the story when it ended and as I was enjoying what you've written that was disappointing. This is really an introduction to a longer piece, and I like the idea of the beampod. It would have been good to learn a bit more about the trader, how Jack knew he must have been from the future, and what the guy from the future could possibly want with a 12 year old car. I liked it but wanted it to be longer.
I clicked on a link in your sig and it took me here.
This was a bit on the short side and I don't mean that as in page count. I've written some 1 pagers myself. It is the story that's too short here. This one would be simple and easy for someone to produce as a short film. I think for it to work though you need more drama. Show us Pamela really being desperate not knowing how to handle all the bills. Show her struggling more.
Then when Jack enters, maybe kick up the drama between them as well. There has to be a little more here for this to work. I do like the idea a lot though. Loved the pod thing cracking open with the light inside, leaving us wondering.
Writing style was fine, but IMHO could be just a tad tighter.
Heh jammin girl. Just returning the favor. Gave it a read. Read the posts so i won't be redundant. I think some were a little harsh seeing as though it's one of your first. See how you can bark back though. "A little fight in ya. I like that"-joker.
well, it is only a beginning and middle. There's no end. So here's my suggestion. You can smack it back in my face.
When Jack's mom smacks the marble out of his hand and it begins to break open... They both watch. It blinds with light becomming very unstable. Shaking the house. They both run outside into the street. Light beams from all the windows. BOOM! The whole fucking house blows to smithereens.
A week later they sit in front of an insurance adjuster who tells them their property was worth a great deal more than they thought and hands them a huge check. fixing their financial diffuculties.
I love this! These last posts are awesome! HarietB, the questions you posed are definately on par with what would lead to a longer more in depth piece. Asking the who, why, what, how of given situations. Nice.
Pia, I like your suggestions because as I was thinking of my response to your post, I figured out what the current script I'm working on lacks. Reaction to action. I gotta rework my current script!
This scene was a reaction to earlier events(Jack trading the car --where stakes are high) and Pamela's reaction, slamming the beampod against the wall, will ultimately create another action(and questions). For her to be shown struggling, I would have had to include other scenes. The questions that pop up should give more drama.
James, lol, your post made me laugh out loud. It's amazing how two people can look at one thing and see something completely different. Unfortunately, your fix-it solution would mean no story. Their house blows up, they get money, the end. Very pleasant but aahh
It's an ending, for a short at least. I didn't know you were turning this into a feature. My wheeels are turnin'. Oh well, new here trying to help. You did do a double "laugh out loud" in the first sentence of your response to me though. So let me smack that back at ya. Lol. Lol.
I actually checked the film out. I read this awhile ago but I wanted to read the whole thing so I was waiting for the rest of the story to be posted.
The filmed version of this actually turned out very well. Very good job on this, James, I think in every aspect. The acting I thought was really good, and a lot of the over the top things in the script were dealt with soundly in the performance and you made the story come off natural. Even made it seem complete somehow.
Excellent work all around on it. Seems like a pretty talented family.
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