Inner Self by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Henry tries to fight his inner demons but can't. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hi Jayrex. Very quick read. You have an interesting style of writing.

The story... felt empty. The characters felt distant and We don't see why the fellow hates Jessica's mother. How does the first scene relates to the rest of the story?

Quoted from JamminGirl The story... felt empty. The characters felt distant and We don't see why the fellow hates Jessica's mother. How does the first scene relates to the rest of the story?

The mother telling him never to lie is the reason he blurts out the truth in the rest of the story.

I got what you were going for here, but it felt a bit glossed over and superficial to me. For a 5-page short I think you try and cover too much territory here. I think it could have been much more effective if you focused on one particular conversation between Henry and Jessica and showed us a bit more about the characters. For example the scene where he proposes, since they are both very young it would seem natural to me that she might be hesitant to say yes. So she might ask him some questions about why he wants to marry her etc. and here is an opportunity for him to struggle with telling the truth. I just think one scene with some depth and conflict would be better than a series of scenes that have no real impact.

Was a quick read though, and I like your basic premise. I think if you played with it a bit you could make it even stronger.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey Javier.

This didn't really work for me, I'm afraid. I really like your way of writing, and this was a very quick and actually rather enjoyable read, but it left no impression on me. The gaps in the story feel so big I have to be careful not to tumble straight into them. You've pieced together snapshots of their life, but to what end? If there was supposed to be a moral, I didn't pick up on it. The ending came out of nowhere, but was confused rather than surprised me. I think I agree with Trojan that you show major moments in their lives but dispatch them so quickly that they don't have any real effect. A proposal, a wedding, a funeral - these should be big, dramatic scenes, and yet here they just drift by.

This reminds me of Liar Liar without the slapstick comedy. You always go for offbeat, unusual subjects, and I like that, but I'd be interested to know what your intentions were here. Based on the way that your logline doesn't really correspond to what happens in the script, I think it'd be fair to say that something got lost in translation.

Flat dialogue...
Flat characters...

The whole thing is too on the nose. "I've just discovered I'm pregnant"

"HENRY
Where are you going Jessica? I
haven’t seen you in a week."  

<-- C'mon... At times the dialogue was so forced it couldn't possibly be contained, much like the truth inside Henry's head, I to have to tell the truth here.

This script just didn't work for me, either. I find Jim Carrey playing this role, as he plays the same guy in all of his movies. Again, not for me.

That "will you marry me" scene was to cold, to empty, to "not natural". She arrives and he simply asks her. And then she simply says yes. No mystery, no suspense, not romantic, not emotional at all.

I find the general idea very interesting but the dialogs are too empty. I think you should work on that.

could anyone send it to me? I'm at work and can't get freewebs site. Thanks

rabbittshrink@gmail.com

Hi Javier,

I, too, like your style of writing and found it a qucik read and I like the idea, even though it reminds me a little of Liar Liar.

However, I agree with Red that, rather that show a series of scenes, it might have been stronger to concentrate on a single scene and show his dilemma when faced with a series of questions he must answer truthfully. I also thought that this could work well just set in the present where the character remains a child, perhaps being interviewed by the meadmaster/headmistress, or confronted by the school bully. Was this ever something you considered?

Best,
H

um...my apologies to Tim?Trojan. I just took a quick glance at the side and saw Red (not literally, of course) oops. Newbie

Javier,

This was a skit, but not a story. I see the idea had some soul in it, but the script appeared devoid of it. We essentially have a set of pivotal moments in Henry's life that are tagged together to create some form of moral questioning - the consequences of lying. While that is an interesting issue conceptually, the script doesn't do anything in terms of a story to resonate.

I feel this one was an attempt to comically elicit guilt through our own lies, but it wasn't for me.

Andrew

Hey Javier... Didn't like this one too much. The dialogue was a bit weak and on the nose. Not sure if the open casket scene was supposed to be funny. I didn't laugh. Also, the end line... is that why she's been gaining weight? If so, that's a pretty good way to end this. You just need a more clever way of revealing it. Stretch this out and beef up the characters and dialogue. Good luck.

2/5

~Zack~

Wow, this one's not a winner.

It's been a while since I've submitted something so I decided to submit a skit.

I thought this idea up watching a 45min monologue held in a church.  I was so bored I wanted to stand up and shout my thoughts at the crap that I had to sit through.

Anyway, I grabbed pieces from my life and stuck it in this script/skit.

Thanks for the reads.

Quoted Text I thought this idea up watching a 45min monologue held in a church.  I was so bored I wanted to stand up and shout my thoughts at the crap that I had to sit through.

Yeah they say there is a little Jim Carey in all of us trying to get out, I bet you did quite a few rubber face expressions while fighting the urge not to shout out.  

This script gave me a few smiles. some one incapble of lying is always a cute idea no matter how many times it beens done before.

The ending or rather how your script just stopped was jarring and made no sense.

but yeah the writing is fine, its the story that is letting you down- or lack of one.

Hey Jay,

I'm sorry, but I've got to echo what everyone says here. For me, it didn't really work. I see what you're trying to do here, but it wasn't really a story. I would personally cut out the engagement scene and start it in the Bridal shop, as the engagement scene disn't ring true.

I also didn't really like the way this ended... I think the problem was that it's pretty hard to wrap this up as there wasn't much of a storyline. The ending just wasn't satisfying.

I would suggest expanding this, but the problem is that if you do expand it, it could become even more like "Liar, Liar". It's up to you though man.

Toby.

Thanks for the read guys.

It's a skit so I won't be developing this into a story.  Looks like I won't be submitting a skit here ever again.  They just don't work for me here.

Cheers

Hi Jay,
Don't let criticisms get the best of you. Folks are just trying to help. Try adding emotions and conflicts to the scenes. That way the piece wont feel as distant or skit-like.
Keep writing.

Jay

I gave this a look based on the strength of your other work (In particular "The Wife's Not Speaking, which I loved" and the fact that you are good to return the reads.

You're probably sick of hearing this by now but it didn't do anything for me either. It felt far too brief, merely skimming over the events of Henry's life since is mother gave him the "invaluable" advice. A cute idea but poorly executed and the fact that its been done before doesn't help (A film a quite enjoyed in my youth I must admit, a guilty pleasure)

One question: How come his perpetual telling the truth has only effected him now when he proposes to Jessica. What about their relationship up to this, is she not aware of his tendancy? I know you intended this as a skit but even so there is simply not enough here to even warrant that.

Keep up the writing.

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for the read.

Henry was telling the truth during the proposal, vocally told the truth when Jessica wore the dress which didn't work.  Then he keeps it to himself and so we hear his thoughts.

I purposely wrote very little in the action so that it would be a quick read, quick to film with nothing to slow this down.  

If I were to investigate the whys and provided a backdrop to every scene.  I could drag this out and I believe it wouldn't be at all interesting.

A guess people like a little drama in their reads.

JamminGirl

I know I shouldn't take criticism to heart but I believe this script was obvious.  Adding emotion and conflict would change this skit into a story.

Cheers,

JT.

Javier,

Things I liked:
> Quick read
> Straight forward  style.

Things I didn't like:
> The opening scene could have been better served as a flashback after blurting out he despised his mother in law
> No build up of story (even a skit has it)
> The ending scene was not a payoff more like an added on

I like reading shorts / skits. Don't give up on skits due to one misstep. I for one would like to know why Henry despised his mother in law so. There's gotta be a great story there.

Gary

Hey Javier

Wow that was a quick read.  It's like you tried to write a story in the quickest possible time.  If you expanded this a bit and showed Henry decide that he has to satrt biting his tongue it could be better.  At the moment he starts by just saying the truth then you have him using V.O.'s.

The opening also started like a serious story then fell into a comedy, which I prefered.  The ending was pretty funny but it came to quickly, it reminded me of something that would be in a sketch show or something.

Also I don't think Henry would be there to help Jessica chose her wedding dress, this is a big no no.

Hello Grademan & Alffy,

Thanks for the reads, much appreciated.

Happy you both found it to be a quick read.

I won't be posting anther skit here Grademan as people don't like mine.  It's unfortunate that I don't hit the right notes.

I like the biting tongue idea Alffy.  I would love to learn to write a series of short skits for a sketch show.  Something like Harry Enfield & Chums, something for the BBC or C4.

The wedding dress scene is wrong now that you've pointed that out.  Yep.  Should have gone with something else.

Anyway, I'll leave you with a Harry Enfield & Chums scene.  I love sketch shows.



Cheers for the reads,


Javier

javier, didn't think it was that bad.... read some of the posts. I did feel it was rushed, but has potential. i like the idea of someone so compelled to tell the truth about his bride/wife that you have to start hiding it to himself (VO).  

i did think the casket scene was pretty humorous, didn't fall out of my chair but with not much character development, it was funny.

Anyways, it flowed nicely and i don't regret reading it....      james

Cheers for the read James.

Happy it flowed nicely and you had no regrets.

All the best,


Javier

Howdy, Jay.  Sorry, but I have to agree with just about everyone here.  This didn't work.

Way too short, and way too much time represented.  Every scene was so spot on and had absolutely nothing going on except exactly what you were focused on.

Dialogue wasn't good either...it didn't come off as realistic, nor did it come off as funny to me.  As someone else said, it was so on the nose, also.

For this to have a chance of working, I think it needs to be at least double the length. That way, you'd have the ability to write in a few more things that could be either funny or just character/story building. I don't think it's a very compelling idea though, as others have noted, it's an idea that already spawned a popular movie.

I did like how the girl had different colored hair the next time we see her.  This is the kind of thing you could have played with if you had more developed characters and story.

No reason to give up though.  Nobody's perfect.  Take care.

Hello Jeff,

Thanks for the read.

All I can do is take the positives from this and move forward.  As pointed out, people have seen this idea.  I don't think it would be good to expand this particular story, or lack thereof.

I think my SoulShadows script is up next so I'm hoping that will be an improvement.

Let me know if there is anything of yours you'd like me to have a look at.  Not sure if I've read any of your scripts.

All the best,


Javier

Hey, Javier.

I am of the belief that whenever you can show something it is better than saying it with dialogue, which is better than text on the screen. You might think about showing ten years passing rather than the SUPER you have on the first page. Maybe have some noticeable physical feature that defines Henry, or have the 8-year-old Henry sitting just so at the kitchen table and have it dissolve into the 18-year-old Henry sitting the same way at the restaurant.

And now I see that you have done it again, though maybe having Jessica go from short hair to longer hair denoting growth and the passage of time work better than the SUPER.

And now I'm seeing that it is a big part of the script so you can scrap my idea, or file it away for future use, or disregard it altogether. Though I do think it would be very tough to film someone gaining a noticeable amount of weight for a short film.

OK, I just finished and had to laugh at the ending. I guess I didn't see that this was a comedy and I wasn't expecting it until Henry first mentions that Jessica is putting on weight, then the gag hit me. I think at the end there should be some reference to his mom, though, to tie it up.

Nice little short, not cutting-edge comedy but enjoyable.

James

Hello James,

Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

If this was anything else I would prefer to describe the character to show how much they've aged as opposed to using a SUPER.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Javier, just read this one. Quite a quick read!

I like the core idea, having a guy telling the truth in situations he's not supposed to. Good recipe for comedy and drama.

I had a little trouble buying the reason for the protagonist's behavior. I do understand the role of her mother's advice, but it seems a bit contrieved that this moment would mark his behavior in such a way.

Have you considered including some sort of supernatural angle to this? Something akin to that birthday wish in Liar Liar? A plot point like this may allow you to hinge the rest of the story on a more solid basis, IMO.

Keep writing. And best of luck.

Thanks Mr Z,

Yeah, I do like my quick reads.  Haven't read this script in like a year.  I still think it's okay but can see what people are saying.

I think the supernatural angle might be a good one.  I love supernatural stuff, just don't often write it.  I could easily double this and add more of a backbone to this script.  Might have to change this to a drama of sorts.

Cheers for the read,

Javier

Ah Damn it. I've been away for a long, long time and I got a bit of free time to read a few script so i thought I'd read a jayrex one cause he always returns the favour. I go to comment then I noticed I've already comment and read it.

bugger. You got any shorts more recent on the boards Jayrex?

Hey Tonka,

If there's anything of yours I haven't read, just let me know and I'm on it.

Quoted from tonkatough Ah Damn it. I've been away for a long, long time and I got a bit of free time to read a few script so i thought I'd read a jayrex one cause he always returns the favour. I go to comment then I noticed I've already comment and read it. bugger. You got any shorts more recent on the boards Jayrex?

Hey Glenn,

Are you uploading anything?  Let us know.  The last decent script I uploaded you've read.  I have a lot more but haven't uploaded them.  Not sure what to pick.  Been trying to read others at moment myself.

I do have another script with a link to Australia if you'd fancy a read?  If you think it's any good I'll submit it for everyone else's perusal.

Javier