Quoted from Helio Great work, Mich! A type of story I'd like to have written myself; squizoid, masturbations, sex azian woman, black woman, antiques, Masseratti car, all things I love to talk about. ha-ha! The final was a  special piece. You did it very well in my point of view. nice job mon ami! cheers Helio

Oh, my dear Lone Hand friend
I knew you'd love that one. In, this case, do not miss, LedBetter's Sin "Pride Fall" and its nice illustration.

Your pigflu friend forever

Michel

Michel,
Once again a first class showing. You're work continues to prove why you are a most revered writer on this site. The pace was quick and and I loved the masterbating undertone. Hell in america, it's practiaclly a national passtime. A great start to the series and a hard act to follow.

Shawn.....><

Hi Michel. I took this on it's own merits while reading and thought it came over quite powerful. It was like you took a sample of a few different cliched subjects and gave it a life of it's own. How can I explain better...that French aspect you put in your English gives a more authentic touch. Does that sense?
Ok , the outcome was going to be predictable but the style of writing made it more realistic. I like the way you write sex scenes - there's a naturalness about them, they aren't forced.
Anyway, this was good and I liked it. Cheers.

Stevie, thanks for the review. I honestly didn't expect that kind of compliment. I did think that my next sin was more far better. I'll see...

Quoted from stevie How can I explain better...that French aspect you put in your English gives a more authentic touch. Does that sense?

Tell me more, please. I don't get it

Michel

Quoted from Ledbetter Your work continues to prove why you are a most revered writer on this site.

Believe me, I'm not and far from being. I just try to improve my style and my writing. And give people entertainment and (sometimes) pleasure.

Thanks anyway for the compliment.

Michel

Hi Michel. What I was trying to say was your writing has the obvious European feel to it. This makes the script more realsitic. A Western writer would make it seem different.
I left out the word 'make', sorry, when I asked if it made sense. Now I'm confused!

You write in a mixture of French and english style that uplifts the subject matter. Cheers

Quoted from stevie You write in a mixture of French and english style that uplifts the subject matter.

Thank you you but sometimes that mixture makes me write in an akward way. Anyway, that's what we could call someone's special style  

Michel

Hey Michel, great work with the short. It flowed well, and I thought the V.O. went well with the rest of the story.

I guessed the ending a bit before it came, and there were a few awkward lines, but nothing too bad.

You have captured lust well. Good stuff.

Tommy, thank you for the reading.

Quoted from Tommyp I guessed the ending a bit before it came, and there were a few awkward lines, but nothing too bad.

Like a lot of you, you guessed it. But it wasn't really the twist. I know poeple nowadays are used to those kind of stories. I even hesitated to withdraw the flashbacks scenes as Brad's madness was obvious. But the real twist is the doctor's reaction in front of the portrait.

Anyway, thanks for the compliments. It stimulates me to keep on writing.

Michel

Michel

I enjoyed this. It read very quickly, your prose is tight and to the point, yet telling us everything we need to know.

Given the title and subject matter one would expect an erotically charged piece...you certainly didn't disappoint in the department.

BRAD (V.O.)
I am sorry for those who never
know the honeymoon of the
collector with the antique he's
just purchased.

-- That was a stand out line for me, very eloquent.

Opting for complete voiceover (except for the the two doctors at the end) is fine and was evidently the way you wanted to tell the story...but for 15 pages?  I thought when he was buying the cabinet in the shop that you might have switched to normal dialogue, just for a change if anything.

Voiceover can come across a little expository at times, when the actions within the scene itself should tell us everything or at least fill in the gaps for us. I think you just about avoided it here, the voiceover was well suited to the piece, your approach was apt.

Conceptually I really liked this, great story which you plotted well, charting the gradual destruction of the main character. Even though he was a womaniser, had all the money, fast cars, etc. I didn't have any major dislike for Brad, thus I felt for him and his helplessness in fighting the all consuming passion slowly eating away at him  .

Nice work overall. It has the potential to be a very visually striking film. Rich asthetics, varying contrasts mirroring Brad ailing state of mind, a lot could be done here...in particular the ornate cabinet you describe.

We all know its the directors job but I think you specified some wonderfully jarring camera angles too, which definitely enhanced the read for me. Rules, schmules, huh

Cheers

Col.

hi Col,

thank you for that complete reviewe with a very interesting point of view. But allow me to defend myself on certain points.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 BRAD (V.O.) I am sorry for those who never know the honeymoon of the collector with the antique he's just purchased. -- That was a stand out line for me, very eloquent.

Remember, the lines come from a diary. A diary written by someone with a high class and culture. I remember when I was writing mine, I was, inconsciouly, overwriting to be sure to express my right feelings.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I thought when he was buying the cabinet in the shop that you might have switched to normal dialogue, just for a change if anything.

During the scene, Brad fantasise about the owner when she is old, years later. With a common dialogue between them, it would have been corny.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 We all know its the directors job but I think you specified some wonderfully jarring camera angles too, which definitely enhanced the read for me. Rules, schmules, huh

It's going to be the way I will try to write. I did the same thing in the other episod "Four Leather Balls" and in my future shorts. Well, I hope, it'll work as good as that one.

Thanks again

Michel

Michel

"Remember, the lines come from a diary. A diary written by someone with a high class and culture. I remember when I was writing mine, I was, inconsciouly, overwriting to be sure to express my right feelings."

-- I think you got the wrong idea. I loved that line, I meant "stand out" in a good way, it was powerful wording.

In hindsight, you're absolutely right about the cabinet buying scene staying as voiceover, consider that suggestion retracted.

Regards

Col.

Sorry Col. I did get it wrong. Mea Culpa...

Michel

Hello Michel,

I really enjoyed the opening of this piece. That contemplative tone, it was extremely solid.

Then, the V.O. seemed to go on and on and it seemed like a long continuous flashback, even though a very skillful one I might add.

The question is: might this be more compelling if we see this man in the present moment as he is being lured specifically by the portrait?

One thing that is very dated in this is the stereotypical 1950s sounding Mental Hospital with men in white coats. It's not real at all.

First off, Mental Hospitals these days are better than most of your mid class hotels. Unless you're talking serious restrictions on privileges due to someone being a serious offender.

To me, it sounds like this guy is guilty of no crime except for being indecent in public; therefore, after they did their work up on him, they'd send him to counseling and - if he was without proper means, they'd get him into a group home.

He said in the V.O. that he was rich. How? Why? Was he a professional of some sort? If so, there's even more reason not to just shut him up. And what about family? Doesn't he have any? That's the way it feels.

The writing quality is very strong in this; what is a problem for me is the believability.

I think that the V.O. is what does this one in. I'd rather see him talking to someone live then hearing it all past tense.

I should mention that I went back three times to try and figure out why that South American guy was lying naked in bed next to him. I know that sounds really dense on my part. I guess I was thinking, "Is he gay?" But then I thought, "No, he's not." Did I read that right?" "Did I miss something?" "Why?"

So I guess that just wasn't making sense to me. And again, if you made it play out in present tense. We could see him actually wanting to go out with a man. That's a mighty big leap. Well, it sure is if you're straight as a board and infatuated with a portrait.  

The biggest problem I have with this though as a story is the false perception it creates for people with mental disorders. I volunteer at the hospital and sometimes I deal with people outside that require assistance. These people may suffer strange kinds of paranoia etc... but they aren't all locked up in little rooms with little windows. They are the kinds of people you see in your local grocery store. Some, are very productive individuals, brilliant bi-polar individuals are an example. They might be masters at art or music...

Anyways, that's one of the main problems (for me) with this. The character is being painted as "nuts". However, having said all that, this one would work extremely well if you built this kind of scenario from a dated perspective, show how someone with a mental problem used to be treated and then transition in time.

A very excellent effort! The writing is top notch!

Sandra

Hi Sandra,

first of all, thank you for that excellent review.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I really enjoyed the opening of this piece. That contemplative tone, it was extremely solid. (…)A very excellent effort! The writing is top notch!

That’s a warm compliment to my heart regarding my constant effort to write in English.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. One thing that is very dated in this is the stereotypical 1950s sounding Mental Hospital with men in white coats. It's not real at all. (…) To me, it sounds like this guy is guilty of no crime except for being indecent in public; therefore, after they did their work up on him, they'd send him to counseling and - if he was without proper means, they'd get him into a group home. .

Like for many of my scripts, I try to make the action « timeless » . What I mean I do my best to make it no dated. There’s nothing I hate the most than films that are a product of  their times (i.e. I love Terminator, but it’s highly dated today). It’s the same for the themes I choose. I try to make them universal. Portrait can be set in any country and any time (the modern references being only the car or the music).

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. He said in the V.O. that he was rich. How? Why? Was he a professional of some sort? If so, there's even more reason not to just shut him up. And what about family? Doesn't he have any? That's the way it feels.

There again, I encounter the same misunderstanding problem than in other of my scripts. I consider Shorts as mini films. That means, I take them as slices of life, almost « caricatures » of films. You can’t stop and start to explain How? Why? I tried to establish a pace. A short is like chisel laces.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think that the V.O. is what does this one in. I'd rather see him talking to someone live then hearing it all past tense.

Like I said before, the V.O. are part of Brad’s diary.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I should mention that I went back three times to try and figure out why that South American guy was lying naked in bed next to him. I know that sounds really dense on my part. I guess I was thinking, "Is he gay?" But then I thought, "No, he's not." Did I read that right?" "Did I miss something?" "Why?"

In the first draft, there wasn’t the « bi » part. I wanted to go as far as I could in the Lust thing.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. To me, it sounds like this guy is guilty of no crime except for being indecent in public; therefore, after they did their work up on him, they'd send him to counseling and - if he was without proper means, they'd get him into a group home.

Like in any diary, people say what they want. In a diary, you can lie, deny things, change them, or omit them. Who could say if Brad is telling the truth?

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. The biggest problem I have with this though as a story is the false perception it creates for people with mental disorders. I volunteer at the hospital and sometimes I deal with people outside that require assistance. These people may suffer strange kinds of paranoia etc... but they aren't all locked up in little rooms with little windows. They are the kinds of people you see in your local grocery store. Some, are very productive individuals, brilliant bi-polar individuals are an example. They might be masters at art or music...

I never wanted being crude with people with mental disorders. I even never crossed my mind. I respect them. I did work with them too. Once again, take this short as a caricature of real life. I think your problem is you think too much  

Hope I did reply to your questions.

Thanks again.

Michel