Seven Deadly Sins: Lust - The Portrait :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hey Michel, I'm going to try to read all of the Seven Deadly Sins, in the order they were posted, one after another - so I'll start here. I've tried to avoid reading anyone else's comments, although I did glance at Sandra's (as you'll see), so apologies if I just repeat what's been said before.

I really liked this. Considering that you're writing in a second language, this is extremely well-written. EXTREMELY well-written. The piece has a kind of detached, disinterested quality to it that is totally in-keeping with the general mood, so great work there. Obviously you have the occasional mis-spelling or slightly odd phrase, but unlike 'Riverside Afternoon', where the incorrect English was a bit of a problem, here it was no problem at all. So yeah, great work there.

I really liked the story, too. I wasn't exactly sure what the parameters of this series were - was the only requirement that the story include a character committing the central sin? If so, you definitely had that. I'm taking the position that there actually IS something evil about the photo, that 'Mona' is some sort of evil spirit and that Brad isn't actually crazy, just the victim of a truly lustful ghost. I'm basing that on the owner turning into an old, crazy woman, and that the photo seems to begin to get its claws into the doctors at the end. Of course, I'm probably wrong. The V.O. actually did work well - you didn't over-use it, although if you could I'd suggest reining it in even more, let the images do more work.

I have to agree with Sandra, and maybe other people (I don't know) that locking Brad up in a secure cell just for being caught masterbating in public seems a little harsh. Either set this in the past, so that his harsh treatment is more believable, or have him do something much more dramatic so that he's locked up because he poses a threat to himself and others. Perhaps one of the cops tries to grab the photo, and Brad attacks him in a frenzy? That would work better, IMO.

One final point: I was worried when I heard about this series that it'd be too close to Se7en So it was a really nice surprise to find that yes, you've emulated a David Fincher/Brad Pitt film, but not the one I was expecting!

Just quickly, some specific notes and your language mistakes, so that you can cut them out of any re-write. Just to make the point upfront that I'm NOT going to comment on any of the voice-overs or dialogue, just the other writing:

PAGE 1:
- your description of the notebook as 'casual' is a little odd. What did you mean here?
- no 'a' in "It's filled with trembling black ink handwriting".
- I'd suggest moving the line "I was rich" to the next scene, when we see the Maserati. It'd make much more sense there.
- "dark glasses on the nose": probably either "dark glasses on HER nose" or "dark glasses resting on her nose"

PAGE 2:
- while it's very romantic to think of the Maserati as feminine, since you've already called it an "it" in the same line I think you need "It leaves a cloud of dust in ITS tracks"
- "scotches": very interesting, this. I assumed you meant 'scratches', but when I looked 'scotches' up I realised that it sort of worked, too. It apparently means 'to cut the surface' or 'wound without killing'. I'd never heard of that word before! However, even if you intended to use it, you need to say "Her nails SCOTCH". And I'd probably suggest just going with the more straight-forward "scratch".
- just a quick point, why is Brad now half-dressed and handcuffed now that they've FINISHED having sex? Has he put his pants back on? How, if he's handcuffed? Just a bit confused there.

PAGE 3:
- The first sentence is a little awkward. Perhaps "Loud music plays in a crowded bar". We already have NIGHT in the slugline.
- The repetition of "two girls, a BLONDE and an ASIAN GIRL" is a little awkward. Perhaps "talking to two girls, one BLONDE, the other ASIAN"?

PAGE 4:
- "...he has only eyes for the cabinet" should be "he ONLY HAS eyes for the cabinet"
- "Brad signs a check to the owner who is back as the beautiful woman who she actually is": probably the most uncomfortable bit of the whole piece. I get what you're trying to say, but at the moment it doesn't read at all well. Try this:

"Brad tears his eyes away, looks up at the owner...

...who is a young, beautiful woman once more. Brad nods, pulls out his checkbook."

Just a suggestion.

PAGE 5:
- "passes his hand OVER one of the back panels"
- "Looking closer, Brad realises that the panel is thicker than the rest"; not quite sure how you'd show this onscreen. How about having him tap it with his knuckles, and it sounding different to the others?
- "Brad DELICATELY DRIVES"
- "Brad pulls it OUT"
- the repetition of "moved...doesn't move" isn't great. Perhaps change the first word?
- "photograph IN a WOODEN OVAL frame"

PAGE 6:
- "her blonde and lock hair"...not quite sure what this means. Her blonde locks? Why not just her blonde hair?
- "her face THROUGH THE glass", probably
- "he RAISES the frame to his face"

PAGE 7:
- "he FRENZIEDLY OPENS"
- "lets the velvet FALL TO the floor"
- "Brad SWIFTLY PICKS UP"
- "sighs DEEPLY"

PAGE 8:
- "mind-absented"; this made me laugh, I actually prefer it to the real phrase, which is unfortunately "ABSENT-MINDED". However, this isn't doesn't really fit the context, since absent-minded is a general description of someone who forgets small details like where they've left things. Perhaps "his mind elsewhere?"
- "a LINE of coke" is probably better
- "PROVOKING": it'd switch this for "PROVOCATIVELY"

PAGE 9:
- it's not clear who's crying here, Brad or the man he's sleeping with
- "he steps firmly" doesn't make much sense, although I know what you mean. "Determined, he approaches..." might be better
- "FRENZIEDLY PULLS OUT"
- again no 'a' in "trembling black ink handwriting"
- "the frame is ON the bedSIDE table"; no 'put'

PAGE 10:
- "he opens his eyes wide in a jump"...maybe "He awakes with a jolt, eyes wide. He scans the bedroom"?
- "He turns back" might be better as "he rolls over"
- "his HESITANT hand"
- "lighthearted" isn't exactly right here. Maybe "contented"?
- "HAS A modern hairdo"

PAGE 11:
- "carnal assaults"; this is the second time you've used this phrase. Maybe think of something else?
- "GENTLY BRUSHES"

That seems like a lot, but they're generally minor mistakes. Just thought I'd point them out so you can get rid of them, and leave the great writing to do its thing. Good work, Michel! Now I'll carry on reading the rest of the series. It's Gluttony next, I think...