Quoted from Abe from LA Yeah, the women were written for effect.  But honestly, I didn't give the feminine angle any thought.  If I had, I might have gone a bit gentler.  As is, the two celebs just come out firing from both hips.  Thanks for your comments, Trojan.

Just wanted to comment on the butchy aspect of the girls. IMHO, I wouldn't change that aspect AT ALL. That's one of the things that make these girls so delightful (or should I say not so delightful) to watch/listen to.

You know, they really remind me of the old Roller Derby dames from the 1970s, before there was such a thing as Wrestlemania. And you know, I HAVE seen those types before. So yours might be fiction, but there's some truth nuggets in there as well.

Sandra

This was a strange script. It had its funny moments but I don't know. The tone of the script feels very tongue-in-cheek so I can't fault you for your obviously intentionally stereotypical characters. I'm not sure if them being extreme spinoffs of stereotypes makes them all that fun to read though. Most of the exchanges are pretty straightforward. There's no going outside the lines. I would've liked to have seen a little more of the characters on their own time, both Sarge and the girls. They seem to be present only for the gags.

I did like the dialogue a lot. Even when you went into cliches, you were able to slingshot out of that mode and come up with something fresh. I also liked how Sarge puts the girls to such brutal treatment and yet he never comes off as brutal. Kill, neither. And I liked the tabasco schtick.

I guess overall, the writing was good but again, not too much outside the lines. It feels a little too simplistic at this point and I'm just not sure that's enough.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think this is a good example of a tale that remains true to itself. Even if that truth is outlandish.

Thanks for the read, Sandra.  Yeah, it's out there. I could have done a better job harnessing some of the outlandishness so it is a trite more believable.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. You know, they really remind me of the old Roller Derby dames from the 1970s, before there was such a thing as Wrestlemania. And you know, I HAVE seen those types before. So yours might be fiction, but there's some truth nuggets in there as well.

Haha, yeah, the Roller Derby days.  I wasn't a fan but I do remember catching some of the action now and again.  Dames, huh?  I like hard-hitting dames as characters.  Sure, they're punchy and not much to drool over, but they do bounce around with arrogance and steam. Still makes me chuckle.  Thanks, Sandra, for the stroll back to the '70s, and beyond.

Quoted from James McClung I would've liked to have seen a little more of the characters on their own time, both Sarge and the girls. They seem to be present only for the gags.

If I had given a thorough read-through, I might have found nooks and crannies to develop the characters.  A good way of doing this would have been to see the girls in their "alone time. The Sarge too, for that matter.

Quoted from James McClung It feels a little too simplistic at this point and I'm just not sure that's enough.

On the other hand, maybe we've seen too much of these gluttons.  Way, way too much.  But if I take anything from your comments, I think that it's a depth or lack of depth issue.  The simplicity you speak of is because the characters fall into the category of "stereotypes."  And we all know that stereotypes tend to be 2-D.  They were predictable in a way that seems familiar.  That's not good.  They need to be fleshed (should I be using that word?) out.
Thanks for your input, James.

Hi Gary. I thought this was ok. There were some great lines - you mentioned comedy isn'i your thing, so you did well there. I have to agree with Jeff about the typos - they really interrupted the flow of the read. But i understand the deadline you guys were on, so it's sweet. A little tinkering and a more definite direction for this and it would be a very good short. Cheers

Quoted from Abe from LA On the other hand, maybe we've seen too much of these gluttons.  Way, way too much.  But if I take anything from your comments, I think that it's a depth or lack of depth issue.  The simplicity you speak of is because the characters fall into the category of "stereotypes."  And we all know that stereotypes tend to be 2-D.  They were predictable in a way that seems familiar.  That's not good.  They need to be fleshed (should I be using that word?) out. Thanks for your input, James.

Yuse makin' me laugh.   Keep it coming.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Okay, this hits F.U. B1ch on the crudometer, but it accomplished itself very fatly I'd say. Sandra

Freudian slip?  Did you mean flatly?  

Ahhh. . .The old 'tricking-the-instructor-into-slipping-on-the-Tabasco-sauce-to-get-the-dog-to-eat-him' trick.  I never grow tired of THAT one!  

This script was funny, but didn't grab me, per see.  I've always hated 'reality TV', where people are checked into boot camps for this or that or whatever, so that is where I may have been lost.  

Good script though.  Well written and, at points, TOO visual!  

Quoted from steven8 Freudian slip?  Did you mean flatly?

I thought she meant phatly.

Not bad. not bad at all.

Because of the post by Jammingirl I visualised your two fatties as Kirstie Ally and Brittney Spears (who I would never consider fat just a little on the chubby side)

I liked the detail that in every scene the sarge of a fat farm is scoffing down fat food while ordering fat people to lose weight.  We need a trainer like sarge on the Biggest Loser.

Totally disagree with your women being masculine in way they fight. Rubbish. I thought their tit for tat was very lady like and besides I know quite a few women who fight just as savage as a man. My sister throws a mean punch and broke one of her ex-boyfriends arms while having a play wrestle with him in the backyard. And my sisterN'law  who was drunk out of her brain, shoved her fist in her brothers face and broke his teeth. But I dunno I come from a low income working class background so i guess they breed the women pretty tough.

But the highlight of this script was the dialouge. It was just so weird and funny at the same time. A very clever play on words. Do people actually speak like that?
    

Gary,

This one was funny! You had some good zingers in here. Comedy is a matter of taste and yours is tabasco. Maybe not what some expected from 7 Deadly Sins script. I actually held off reading this for a few days because the premise didn't hold much promise. I am glad I took the time.

Gary

BTW, one question: Why bold the script? It was like reading with a bright light on.

Quoted from mcornetto I thought she meant phatly.

No, I definitely meant "fatly", but phatly works too.  

Not flat though. Nupe. No way.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. No, I definitely meant "fatly", but phatly works too.   Not flat though. Nupe. No way. Sandra

Well put, Sandra!    

So I'm giddily going along until I get to dinner at O-six hundred. Not a huge deal, but to someone who knows what that means, it's a read-stopper.

missing the word "with?" a few erros to be found.

HOWEVER...don't mistake my nits as deal breakers because this is hilarious, man, really hilarious. The way the duo is set up to do battle and become comrades-in-arms is great. The dialogue is funny and propels the story along very well.

Lots of good set up and pay off with dialogue (snooze you lose) and action and props (hot sauce).

I've found that the endings of these shorts are a huge key to success and youre ending worked for me.

My favorite of the bunch.

Quoted from stevie I have to agree with Jeff about the typos - they really interrupted the flow of the read. But i understand the deadline you guys were on, so it's sweet.

I'm generally a stickler for typos, but I failed to do a final look through everything before jettisoning the script to Don.

Quoted from stevie A little tinkering and a more definite direction for this and it would be a very good short. Cheers

Thanks for the read, Steve. I'm now catching up with all my Sin reads. This was definitely fun to write because it was sloppy, but I didn't intend for me to be so sloppy in piecing it together. It might be a sin for me to tinker any more than I already have. Haha.

Quoted from tonkatough Because of the post by Jammingirl I visualised your two fatties as Kirstie Ally and Brittney Spears (who I would never consider fat just a little on the chubby side)

Aha, I initially had Kirstie and an inflated Brittney as my role models.  Then I thought better of it, changed the names (sort of) and created two slightly-different balloon gals.

Quoted from tonkatough Totally disagree with your women being masculine in way they fight. Rubbish. I thought their tit for tat was very lady like and besides I know quite a few women who fight just as savage as a man. My sister throws a mean punch and broke one of her ex-boyfriends arms while having a play wrestle with him in the backyard. And my sisterN'law  who was drunk out of her brain, shoved her fist in her brothers face and broke his teeth. But I dunno I come from a low income working class background so i guess they breed the women pretty tough.

Oh yeah, I know of some women who can fat-out kick the fluid-drive from their guys. I guess that's why their guys have left them. Women in combat can be okay, as long as the choreography doesn't look fake. And I have no qualms about seeing two women fighting who look like Charlize Theron and Teri Hatcher in "2 Days In the Valley."  Charlize played Helga and Teri was Becky Foxx.  Love those character names.

Quoted from grademan This one was funny! You had some good zingers in here. Comedy is a matter of taste and yours is tabasco. Maybe not what some expected from 7 Deadly Sins script. I actually held off reading this for a few days because the premise didn't hold much promise. I am glad I took the time.

Thanks Gary/Grademan. Comedy is indeed a matter of taste and I guess my taste runs toward Sloppy Joes, Nachos with all the fixins and various Okie snacks. I don't know, but I just couldn't think of anything else to write. My mind was like an overflowing outhouse. Stuff just kept coming out and hitting the page and I was like, 'whoa, this isn't me..."

Quoted from grademan BTW, one question: Why bold the script? It was like reading with a bright light on.

Uh, it is?  I will have to check that out.  It was not bold at any point during the writing and I never bothered to check the pdf.  I apologize for the constipation of thought.  I'll have to see that doesn't happen again.

Quoted from cloroxmartini So I'm giddily going along until I get to dinner at O-six hundred. Not a huge deal, but to someone who knows what that means, it's a read-stopper.

Another reviewer harpooned me for a military thing, because I was off. Honestly, I gave no thought to military protocal or anything else.  I just picked a time.

Quoted from cloroxmartini The way the duo is set up to do battle and become comrades-in-arms is great. The dialogue is funny and propels the story along very well... I've found that the endings of these shorts are a huge key to success and you're ending worked for me.

Well, thank you, cloroxmartini. Under a time constraint, I went with a more dialogue-driven story.  I don't think I would have gone that route if I have more time. I tried to wrap it up and make some sense. I probably should have made the Tabasco sauce scene more visual, such as Sarge slopping around in the hot sauce and then looking back to see Allie waving one of his empty Tabasco sauce bottles, but... I didn't.

Hey Gary, you're the next stop on my mission to read all Seven Deadly Sins. I haven't read anyone else's comments, so apologies in advance for any repetition.

This was an enjoyable read. It was bizarre, but in a positive way. It was definitely very well-written, and the dialogue was good. However, I was never quite sure what genre you were pitching for - is this a comedy? A horror? A bit of both? At the moment I think you've 'fallen between two stools' (as the Sarge might say) slightly.

Chelsea and Abby were suitably grotesque, and the sudden switch of names for a brief moment made it pretty clear where your inspiration came from! There was certainly gluttony here, so that was good. I liked Kill, thought he was a nice idea.

I have to say I didn't like the ending. To me, "it was all a TV show" is the modern-day update of "it was all a dream". Kind of feels a bit like a cheat, you know?

Overall, good job! I'm off to read Greed now.

Hello, Abe.  Nice to see you back in the mix again with something new.

What I have always enjoyed most about your style is the unapologetic asides you supply for the reader -- but at the same time -- with an almost staccato rhythm that keeps the reading brisk.  You have a truly unique style of presentation, and it is a good one.

As for this particular story, I enjoyed how it stubbornly refuses to adhere to a particular genre.  Not quite comedy, not quite horror -- not quite anything really.  You have created your own characters within your own world, and reality is not really the point here.  Without disrespecting the opinions of others, I would submit that the "real world" criticisms you have received should carry little weight.

Most of the dialogue has a nice snap to it, with a relatively low quotient of cringe-inducing silliness, and I think it would actually play better on the screen than it does on the page.

What is really my only complaint -- or at least, what I might have handled differently -- is the "death clause" Sarge mentions.   I do not think I would have created these characters in this situation in order to have them team up.  I think there is a much deeper comedic well to mine with these women plotting the demise of one another.

But while I might have taken the ending in a different direction, I was not disappointed by the direction you chose, either.  While I can see where some might be disappointed, I found it tidy and logical.

I enjoyed this script, primarily for the characters, your descriptive work, and the wonky mentality that pervades the piece.  A pleasure to find you back on the boards with some fresh work.

And while this could stand another round of proofing, the lone typo I will correct for you is "booby traps", not "boobie traps".  The Boobie Trap is a bar in Orlando haha.