I didn't analyze. I just commented. The pills for his wife still didn't make it a twist, for me. It just explained why she could've died like that. I see the tale is a sorrowful one. It was a decent read.

This was enjoyable. The tone was right thoughout, an almost novelistic style which I found refreshing. I felt the characters were well sketched, the dialogue was good.


*** SPOILERS ***


The only gripe is the junkies were a bit too predictable IMHO. I hoped one of them might do or say something to surprise. Not a big deal but it's the only thing I could see that could improve.

I liked the ending a lot. The Everything Must Go bit worked well too. I could hear that Manics song as I read.

Hey Col,

A nice and sad story. But I had to thank you twice about it:

The first thank is about the story. It was touching and you made a great script.

The second one is you gave me an idea for another script and I bow before you for that. You even gave me the title: "The firsrt day day of the rest of my life" and please, believe me, there is no question of plagiarism.  

Hope you don't mind.

Thank you anyway. It was a great moment.

Sorry, one last thing. On page 2 It shouldn't be "€3:50" but "3€50".

Michel

Hello Col,

An interesting story.  I must admit I almost never got the ending.  I didn't know much of the story of Robinson Crusoe.  Plus, without Sniper's comment, I probably would've ended up ignorant.  I now see what you were getting at.

I'd watch the 'is' & 'are' words.  Makes for a slow read.  And drop the repeated INT. bit of the slugs.  One room after another still makes it internally.

All the best,


Javier

Quoted Text Again thanks for your comments, a pity in didn't work for you but that's the thing, it'll work for some and not for others. I resigned myself long ago to the fact that you simply can't please them all in this business.

colkurtz8,

It didn't work for me becuase of me, not because of it. After reading everone's reviews I see that I didn't bring all teh little details, the subtle things that gave the characters and story meaning, together. So for that i am sorry. I did want to like it. There was something about it that I liked. I just didn't get it. I do now.  

Grademan

Thanks for the read. Good catch with "quite" too, rather dumb on my part its fair to say.

Harrietb -- Lovely little passage, I'm humbled, thank you. You hit the nail on the head in your summation of their relationship. I'm delighted you understand the various subtle, unsaid connections between them, cheers.

Sniper -- Its cool, bud, you brought it to my attention as it was incorrect anyway, thanks.

JamminGirl - "I didn't analyze. I just commented. The pills for his wife still didn't make it a twist, for me. It just explained why she could've died like that. I see the tale is a sorrowful one. It was a decent read."

-- Sorry I misinterpreted you. However I don't understand how the pills being for Nora instead of Jim didn't come as a surprise to you, as I gave the impression in the opening scenes that the medication was for him (Picking up the bottle and filling the tumbler with water) So the audience is expecting him to kick the bucket.

Glad you enjoyed it all the same, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on it.

Rendez-Vous - I appreciate your comments, yeah a few are saying that about the break in, alright. I'm actually in the process of completing a new draft with that part altered, Ill be putting it up in a few days, take a look if you get a chance.

If you have anything done yourself on here let me know I'll be more than happy to give it a read.

Michel - Great to hear your comments, glad to be of service. Of course I don't mind if you use that line, its not exactly original anyway. It has been knocked around for generations by people like me trying their utmost to sound intelligent I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

Good catch with the money I actually spotted it yesterday when finishing the new draft. I assume its a typo on your part as it should be €3.50 instead of the time I had written down "€3:50". Thanks again, Michel.

Jayrex - I admire your terse, direct style as I'm constantly trying to pair down my own writing,(like everyone else) so your advice is much appreciated and more importantly taken on board, cheers.

Astrid - Thats great, I'm happy you understand it now, thanks for expressing your thoughts. You did made some interesting points in your original post all the same.

Thanks again for the reads and perceptive comments, everyone. Mucho respecto

Col, you're welcome. Stop spelling my name correctly! I'll keep an eye out for the new draft. I can imagine someone picking this up to film. A small cast, a few locations and a good plot.
I thought if the junkie(s) had an unexpected characteristic it would add to it. Perhaps something thought would catch him or them out, if you follow my idea. Maybe not.
I've submitted a piece so it'll be in the pipeline. A read from you would be greatly appreciated.

Hey, Col. How are things?

A sweet and sad story, a real tear-jerker. And a great twist with Jim and Mary.

P.1 Why would Jim glance at his watch if he had just turned off his alarm clock? Wouldn't he know what time his alarm was set for?

p.3 Tom appears from nowhere (supposed to be Jim?) and again on p.4.

Well done, good pace. A quick read but very effective. This could be filmed very inexpensively, I expect you might hear from somebody on it.

James

James

Whats up, man. Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

Your dead right about the alarm and watch, its changed.

Yeah, Jim's name was originally Tom (till I realized the main character of "Clubcard" was Thomas) Sloppy proof reading on my part.

I'm posting a new draft of this in the coming days with the error/typo's fixed (I hope). The break in scene is significantly revised too, so if you get a chance you might take a look

I see from your sig that you've got two scripts in production, well done, best of luck with them.

Cheers

Col.

Col.,

This was a good read.  For a 12 pager, it had a full, rich feel to it.  I don't think you overwrote in those first five pages.  I think the details were necessary for us to get a feel of Jim's life in this little English town.  You had a real command of the story in the first ten pages as you set up the inevitable confrontation with the robbers.  It was a good idea to show those two early in the script so we at least get a little idea of who they were--instead of it just being some random act of violence.

Along with most of the other posters, I was expecting Jim to get shot or stabbed in the end, so well done on throwing a curveball there.  My only problem with the script was the way in which the wife died.  It just felt a bit contrived how the co-worker sees the robbers coming out of the store and then it just happens to be Jim's wife in the car that stops short.  Maybe if the wife unexpectedly walks into the shop during the robbery, then goes into heart attack.  That might be a little more organic.  Also, I would have liked to had a scene at the hospital, perhaps just after the wife is pronounced dead and Jim is staring at her body under the sheet.  I think that would give your final scene at the home more punch.

BTW, I also liked your use of the phrase "Everything Must Go" throughout the script.  It takes on different meanings by the time it's all over.  Wouldn't make a bad title for this script either.

Cam

A very well writen interesting drama

Cam

Thanks for the read, I'm happy people like yourself are perceptive enough to understand why I did put that extra bit of detail into describing Jim's home, routine, place of work, etc. Sometimes various details require more weight for emphasise and character protrayal, even if it doesn't make for the most gripping, edge-of-your-seat reading.

Since Nora is expected to arrive on the scene to pick up Jim, I hoped it wouldn't be all too coincidental as it was one of the things I did fear. Good suggestion with her walking in as I'm working perfecting a new draft at the moment which has a greatly altered break in scene (albeit, not the changes you're looking for) but still, always good to hear other ideas.

Good suggestion with the title change too I'll give it some consideration.

Thanks again for taking the time, much appreciated.


FDiogo

Cheers for reading, glad you liked it.

Col.

Col, very well written. A powerful piece. Didn't see the ending coming. Thought he was a goner for sure. Seemed a little redundant that he seemed to be having a heart attack, but recovered (Usually doesn't happen with those ol' timers) And then she died of one.

Maybe Nora crashes through a store front trying to avoid the junkies. he neck is badly cut. Jim tries in vain to contain the bleeding as they wait for help. They have a powerful moment with him begging her not to go?

Even if she dies of a heart attack i think there's a great opportunity for a last scene between the two. Felt like it needed it. All in all, great work though. James

Hi Col, just read the newer version you sent me. Yeah, still a good read. the changes are subtle but overall i could tell it was different. Saying that, i think I liked the originalbetter? No reason exactly, maybe just the flow was better in the first draft.
Um, there's still a 'Tom' lurking in there! when the junkies come into the shop...
And also there's a time discrepancy: its 545 when Nora finishes cooking and leaves the house...minutes later at the shop it's 650. Sorry to be picky but i tend to notice those things. must be the OCD in me.
ok will go and review Rid now. cheers buddy.

Steve

Cheers for the read mate, your always good for a comment or two. Sorry you didn't prefer it to the old draft, personally I think its a lot stronger, but hey its all just opinion and I'm always grateful for yours.

You're dead right about the mistakes too, my proof reading sucks.

Col.