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Hey Col, this is based on the updated draft you E-Mailed me today. Since you requested a detailed look at this, that’s exactly what I’m going to give you. I took page by page notes as I read, and will post them separately below.
I’ve read all the feedback after I finished the script. You’ve received a lot of great comments…great in both good stuff to think about, and solid, positive feedback. I realize that a lot of the stuff I’m going to bring up is nit picky, and rather different from what others tend to focus on, when reading and reviewing scripts, but I guess it’s just the way I am, and some will think I’m a complete jackass, while others may say to themselves, “Hmmm, I didn’t think about that”. I seem to see things differently than most, and I guess that can be both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.
Story-wise, I think this is a little flat and cliché, even with the twist ending. It’s a bit heavy handed in the fore shadowing and once Peter and Eddie are intro’d, it’s pretty clear that we’re not going to have a very happy ending. Your twist is OK, but as a few others stated, it seems to lack a punch, based on what you chose to show, in terms of the ending.
I definitely liked Jim as a character. I felt for him and worried about him throughout, so that’s a big plus! You did a good job of portraying his everyday life, which is most likely very habitual and mundane. I do have a few issues that I want to bring up involving this, though.
As I stated below in my page by page notes, I couldn’t ever get a good visual of the setting, locale, etc. here. I’m not from the UK, nor have I spent time there, so maybe it’s just my ignorance. It seems that Jim and Nora live within a short walk of his shop. It also seems that Jim is a creature of habit and most likely walks to work each and every day. Why then, would Nora come to pick him up after work on his last day? Also, why would Jim agree to meet Chris out at a bar later that night, knowing he was having a big dinner with his wife?
I don’t know about exact details of the economic situation in the UK (or wherever this takes place…cause we don’t know where this takes place), but it struck me a little odd that Jim could make a living with a small bookstore, pay a full time employee (Chris), and afford to not only retire in his 60’s, but also take a 3 month cruise. If he’s selling books for $3.50 a pop (or even $10), he’s going to have to be selling a shitload of books, and I don’t see that as reality in this time and age, or in a small town (like Mary mentioned with the online sellers being so prevalent). Again, I realize how nit picky this is, but it really stood out in my mind.
Same sort of issue with the 2 junkies. Again, maybe things are quite different in the UK, but the way they came in and attempted to rob Jim, it just didn’t ring true. It sounds like Jim has been doing this forever…everyone knows him, likes him, etc. What are these thugs doing in this idyllic little town, and how do they think they’re going to get away with this crime?
The 2 thugs dialogue wasn’t very good, IMO. It came off as really cheesy and unrealistic, as others have commented. It’s a big issue because this takes place in a very intense scene(s).
Overall, I guess I liked this for what it is, but that’s about it. I did feel bad for Jim (and Nora), and that’s a credit to your writing, characterization, and setup. You know I enjoy slow builds, so I didn’t have any issues with the first 5 or so pages being slow, but they were a bit overwritten as others have pointed out. The payoff was worth it, but (as others have said again), I don’t think you quite nailed the ending the way you could have. Nora’s death is the issue here. I think it would have been more powerful to show Jim’s reaction immediately. It would be a very powerful and intense scene, as apposed to Jim and Chris driving in a car. I liked the ending, showing Jim on his own, and could really feel for him. As for the little twist with the meds, it went over my head, and thus didn’t have much of an effect on me.
So, in closing, I think you did a good job here overall. Any time you get so many rave reviews, you know you’re doing something right. I’d recommend cleaning up the dialogue of the thugs, and adding some punch to Nora’s demise. I’d also make it a bit more clear where this is taking place, as Americans aren’t going to have the same ability that UK’ers do, to visualize the setting. I’d also have some dialogue involving Jim’s financial situation, and how he could afford retirement, and a 3 month cruise.
Nice work Col. It was an easy and for the most part, enjoyable read.
Page 1 – Opening slug – I always recommend being very exact in your slugs. If you have another “home” in the script, this slug will not be detailed enough. (Jim and Nora’s Home, maybe?)
Not sure about your use of “- - and then a new sentence with a cap. Kind of not completing the previous sentence with a period feels off, a bit.
“am” should most likely be capped.
IMO, you’re capping too many words that probably don’t need to be.
“A bottle of MEDICATION is on the dresser, “Cardio Core”. – I always suggest not using “is” as a verb in a script. I’d recommend “sits” or the like. Also, not sure about the use of a comma and then the name of the meds…it reads a bit odd.
“Life begins gradually with the start of a new day. The pale, morning sun casts shadows and light over the town. Some townsfolk are already up, walking about.” – This first sentence here is pretty much a waste, as it doesn’t tell us anything. The last line tells me you are intending this “scene” to basically show some people walking around this town. I don’t think it’s really telling or showing us anything important, but let’s see where it goes…
The rest of these slugs inside the home should probably have the same word(s) that the first slug has, to show it’s the same place. Yeah, I know, I’m being picky here, and it probably won’t even come into play here, but you know I am a stickler for details in slugs, unless you’re going for an abbreviated slug, which many prefer in SS.
Last line – “Jim’s” should be “Jim”.
Page 2 – Opening slug should probably read “EXT. Jim and Nora’s Home” (or whatever you choose for the “home”.
“They smile brightly back at him, one calls out.” – I don’t think the comma is used correctly here.
This whole scene doesn’t ring true to me…Jim leaves his house and starts walking, and he’s suddenly at a Travel Agency. Does he really live within a very short walk of a Travel Agency?
OK, listen, you’ve got 3 scenes in a row now (within a ½ page) that all read exactly the same – “Street – Minutes Later”. I don’t like when I see this sort of thing. It’s another example of me being a stickler with slug headings. I can’t get much of a visual of where he is and what the actual setting is. I think you could write this more detailed very easily, and it would help a lot. – OK, the 3rd slug should read “EXT. THE LITERARY CIRCLE” (IMO). Just too much of this “street” stuff.
Don’t like “1/3” in the prose. It sticks out like a sore thumb.
Page 3 – “;” and “…” do not require a capital letter following them.
Don’t like the “Junkies” title of Peter and Eddie – would we know they’re junkies at first glimpse? I doubt it, unless this isn’t quite the idyllic little town that I see in my head, but again, based on the descriptions, I really have no clue.
Page 4 – Slug near the bottom with “LATER” – again, this doesn’t really help us out as readers here. What does “later” mean? I think I know just based on what’s going down here, but it sure doesn’t help anyone who may be trying to get the lighting right, or the like. Know what I mean? I’d just use “EVENING”, or “LATE AFTERNOON” or the like. It would simplify things for sure.
Page 5 – 3 wrylies in a row – too many. You know, you could use a wrylie in every single piece of dialogue, but less is more for wrylies. Only use them when they really make a difference…here, I don’t think they do.
Page 7 – “I’d to do a bit…” – doesn’t sound right, but since it’s speech, you can do anything you want…but it sure sounds odd.
“Jim’s” should be “Jim”.
“Chris is about to leave.” – Not a good sentence. Should be something more like, “Chris stands at the front door.”
Page 8 – 2 more wrylies that just aren’t necessary.
Page 9 - “Chris stops dead when he sees the two, Eddie with the knife to Jim’s cheek, Peter a few feet back, stuffing the money into his pocket, they freeze also.” – Awkward sentence…and too long. It doesn’t read well – rewrite it.
I don’t like Peter’s dialogue near the bottom of the page – it doesn’t sound real for this guy.
Page 10 – “He goes to say something - -“ – Unnecessary line.
“Nora eyes go wide with the fright as she watches the two land hard on the street.” – “Nora” should be “Nora’s”. Take out “the” before “fright”.
“Jim” should be “Jim’s”.
“Chris” should be “Chris’s”.
“EXT./INT. STREET/CAR – CONTINUOUS” – Not sure why you’re using EXT. and INT. and Street and Car. Probably should be an intercut or the like.
Page 11 – “elbowing” should be “elbows”
I don’t like Peter’s dialogue again here…it doesn’t sound realistic at all.
This whole scene is mislabeled, as I said earlier. I think it needs to be rethought, as you have a number of different scenes actually (Nora’s car – INT and EXT, as well as EXT Shop, or whatever). Give it another look and read and see what you think.
As always I really appreciate the painstaking effort and time you put in to your in-depth reviews regardless of what you thought of the piece, good or bad.
I'll try to answer some of your queries, criticisms, opinions etc
I'm disappointed you found the story "flat and cliché" yes I agree it is a simple story and yes, it has been done before a thousand times (like 90% of the scripts you will read) which is why I worked the twist with Nora, added the subtext of the book and (what I tried to do anyway) formulate a powerful and satisfying conclusion. This I thought would give the otherwise basic concept and theme the edge or turn it needed to pay off the reader.
Honestly, I don't see how the build up is too heavy handed for it to be a talking point. Sure I added some detail at the beginning during Jim's morning routine but its all there to serve a purpose in defining character and his working environment, two very pivotal parts of the story.
As you've said you enjoy slow build ups. A case in point being your own "Fade To white" where you took approximately 30 pages of a 112 page script to build your story and characters (something which I loved about the piece by the way). That's around the same proportion of the story I took with this script to introduce Jim, his home life and his place of work (3 to 4 pages of a 12 pager)
Glad you liked and empathised with Jim and Nora. I see what you mean about lack of clarity in the setting, I tend to be very sparing in that department as with character descriptions. I was presumptuous in only considering people who would be familiar with such a town of this nature which are dotted all over the UK and Ireland, naturally Americans wouldn't pick this up so easy.
"It seems that Jim and Nora live within a short walk of his shop. It also seems that Jim is a creature of habit and most likely walks to work each and every day."
-- Yes, it is within walking distance, which is why Jim walks to work. Its less than a ten minute drive, as shown near the end when Nora check her watch at 5:45, then Jim check the clock in the shop at 5:50 before the break in sequence till Nora's arrival plays out over 2 pages.
Why then, would Nora come to pick him up after work on his last day?
-- Is it not understandable for Nora to want to see the shop one last time before Jim closes the doors for good? Its been a big part of both their lives not just his, the least she can do is pick him up on his last ever day of business. Maybe they had planned to spend a few minutes in there, to say goodbye.
As I said this is a milestone for both of them, end of an old way of life which was hopefully going to spark the beginning of a new one, their "Golden Years"
The economic situation is pretty bad (worse in Ireland which is where I was visualising this to be set in) But you must remember, Jim has had the bookshop for decades. Over time he could have been putting money away bit by bit. As he says "We haven’t been away in so long. It’ll be nice to treat her for once..." so who knows when was the last time they treated themselves.
Having said that, a 3 month cruise would be expensive, a tad ambitious but it’s not beyond impossible that two people of this age, with a business foR this length could not afford one. It can always be shortened to a month or whatever.
Also employing one other employee isn't going to break the bank. Its unskilled work so Chris would only be on minimum wage, nothing too burdening on the shop's accounts. Plus, how do you know he is full time? This takes place over 1 day remember.
Its a series of circumstances that is resulting in Jim getting out of the business - His advancing years, the slowing down of trade and of course to growing obligation to look after his ailing wife. I attempted to give the impression that Jim was "quitting while ahead" as they say, getting out before he did start losing money. He says "Ah, I got more than my share of good years out of it," so he has done ok for himself over the years. Nowadays things aren't so good for businesses, especially small, privately owned one like Jim's. One hears it on the news everyday of the week, practically all over the developed world.
"Same sort of issue with the 2 junkies. Again, maybe things are quite different in the UK, but the way they came in and attempted to rob Jim, it just didn’t ring true."
--Again I'm sorry this didn't work for you, I tried to create an exciting situation with the two guys breaking in, Chris's unexpected interference and subsequent tragic death of Nora. It worked for some, not for others. I can live with that.
It sounds like Jim has been doing this forever…everyone knows him, likes him, etc. -- I'm not sure what you mean by this, could you explain?
"What are these thugs doing in this idyllic little town" -- As thugs/junkies/wasters whatever you want to call them, they could be any number of reasons why there are passing through the town.
I've actually re-included a line from Peter which was in the script before but omitted in the draft I gave you "I dunno...I’m not going back to the city for awhile anyway, that’s for sure." This tells us that they are more transients than anything as junkies tend to be when all they care about is where their next fix is coming from, all else takes a backseat.
In this case, its getting the money to score some drugs or the flip side could be to get away from the scene they've fallen into. But yeah, I agree with you, they don't fit the seemling pleasant fabric of the town, that above line is included on the draft posted here.
"and how do they think they’re going to get away with this crime?" -- As junkies this isn't going to be a priority with them, or at least something they would be overly concerned with which would stop them going through their plans. This was meant to a simple "smash & grab" operation, a quick in and out. Get the money, get out, get fixed up.
They seen Jim in the window, an old man, on his last day, they figure it'll be an easy score. One might argue that of all places to rob, a bookstore wouldn't be top of the list, again these are drug addled human beings...clear thinking isn't going to be the order of the day.
"The 2 thugs dialogue wasn’t very good, IMO. It came off as really cheesy and unrealistic, as others have commented. It’s a big issue because this takes place in a very intense scene(s)." -- Can you specify which dialogue in particular, I'll see can I explain myself or change it accordingly.
"I don’t think you quite nailed the ending the way you could have. Nora’s death is the issue here. I think it would have been more powerful to show Jim’s reaction immediately. It would be a very powerful and intense scene, as opposed to Jim and Chris driving in a car. "
-- Funny you should mention this, a valid point and cause of much thought and revision. I passed this to a friend of mine and we discussed the story at length especially that sequence. I had a short scene in the car between Nora and Jim but was convinced to remove it in favour of fading out on the "Everything must go" sign.
I don't know, I'm not so sure a big, grandiose last gasp scene between Jim and Nora could work, I felt it would borders too severely on the cheddar factor. Yeah, the way I have it maybe a it cold and abrupt, some might say a little too much but this was the further this theme of pure misfortune, the fact that Jim doesn't even get a chance to say goodbye to his wife.
I feel the consequence of Nora locking the doors to prevent the junkies from entering which in turn stops Jim from getting into the car to help her is a powerful (if bleak) denouement.
As I've said on a number of occasions on the thread, its this tragedy of an initially good intentioned action resulting in a completely adverse, disastrous outcome that I explored in this piece. The sign that Nora makes up which Jim leaves out just as the junkies pass thus attracting their attention is another example.
If she hadn't made it up (with the best intentions of course) Jim wouldn't have had to display it on the window meaning Peter and Eddie wouldn't have seen it so they wouldn't have been encouraged to raid the shop. The fact that Jim doesn't even want the sign up in the first place, he says - "Oh, Nora got one of her brainwaves during the week to make it up...I don’t know...didn’t think it was really necessary", "Anybody who cares, knows already." reinforces the tragedy of its consequences.
"As for the little twist with the meds, it went over my head, and thus didn’t have much of an effect on me."
-- Again these are all merely my attempts and I’m by no means stating I achieved it...but in the opening scene, I wrote it in such a way that the reader is led to believe that the medication is for Jim, thus we are expecting him to keel or get into difficulty when the junkies invite themselves into his shop. To prevent a confrontation kicking off between Chris and the two, he fakes a heart attack to get the them out which in itself has a cruel irony to it as that results in the guys running into Nora, the real sufferer of the heart condition.
It's only at the end that Nora's name is revealed on the prescription, which gives reason as to why she croaked when faced with the frightening situation of Peter and Eddie trying to jack her car...most seemed to get this.
In terms of your page by page commentary and technical notes, typos etc you’re always on the money with these, I’ve altered and included them in the new draft just posted up here. Bless your perceptive eye, some of the catches I couldn’t believe I missed, it’s amazing what faults a second pair of blinkers can unearth.
On just a couple of points you made:
“This whole scene doesn’t ring true to me…Jim leaves his house and starts walking, and he’s suddenly at a Travel Agency. Does he really live within a very short walk of a Travel Agency?”
--I don’t see how this is a problem, I do say that Jim lives in a terrace house (this is a British term for an urban dwelling, not sure if Americans know it) so he is within the town limits, in his walk to work.
“Don’t like the “Junkies” title of Peter and Eddie” – Yeah, I know it’s a crass term to use but it pretty much sums up the two guys for the reader, I mean you get the idea from that one word what kinda of people these two are gonna be . As I mentioned already I don’t spend too much time describing physical details of characters, just enough so the reader has an idea of their persona.
would we know they’re junkies at first glimpse? - Is that not the costume departments job? As I say, the reader needs words to help paint the character for them. I’m not going to waste space detailing their attire unless it had some bearing on the story. That is why I used “Junkies” to inform the reader in the least amount of words possible who these people are, their attitudes, outlook, motivations etc.
“I’d to do a bit…” -- I see how you would find this an odd turn of phrase, not so in my vernacular however. It’s just another example of the British/American difference.
The same goes for the type of town this is set in. You had difficulty imagining it, but if you read some comments on the thread a number of people were able to picture the town in their head no problem. Naturally, most of these were probably from my side of the world and they either in one or near one...again it’s just a cultural thing.
Page 9 - “Chris stops dead when he sees the two, Eddie with the knife to Jim’s cheek, Peter a few feet back, stuffing the money into his pocket, they freeze also.” – Awkward sentence…and too long. It doesn’t read well – rewrite it.
–- Correct, I actually left out some of that in the particular draft I sent you, good catch.
“I don’t like Peter’s dialogue near the bottom of the page – it doesn’t sound real for this guy.” –- Why? How would you put it?
Really appreciate the time you put into this, Jeff. I wasn’t expecting such an insightful and thoughtful response, I’m extremely grateful for it. You’ve given me a lot to think about and work on.
I’m surprised you never touched upon the book reference and that the medication reveal at the end didn’t do anything for you. One can't please them all I guess
Anyway great review and page by page notes, cheers.
Hey Col, sorry for not responding to your response. Here you go…
Maybe “flat and cliché” wasn’t the right choice of words. It’s just that there really wasn’t much going on, and I found the 2 punks to be very cliché, and other than the “twist”, things were pretty predictable. As I mentioned earlier, the book subtext went right over my head.
You’re perfectly correct in what you say here about your buildup vs. my buildup. The difference being that you only have 12 pages, and used about 4 of them to build things up. Based on this, I “knew” where we were going right from the get go, and with only 8 more pages, there wasn’t much room for much else. As I said earlier, I didn’t have anything against your buildup. I called it heavy handed, because for me, again, I knew what was going to take place…and I think you intended that, but wanted your twist to work as a shock or surprise in the end.
So, if it’s a 10 minute drive, it would be quite a walk, actually. For instance, I drive 10 minutes to my gym, but if I were to walk it, it would easily be 45 minutes or more. Yeah, it’s understandable for Nora to pick him up, but it kinda felt like it was written in to serve the plot. Maybe if Jim just said something to Chris about Nora coming in to get him that evening early on.
OK, the financial situation. Again, since I can’t really visualize what this town is like, I may be off, but whether or not Jim has owned this place for decades, doesn’t matter IMO. The bottom line is that a small book store in a small town isn’t going to generate much income (profit) on an annual basis. Ebay and Amazon, and all the other online sellers have been around for awhile now. Small book stores are a thing of the past (at least in America). I don’t see how he could have saved up anything, based on sales of books. I mean is it even possible that he’s selling more than 10 books/day? I highly doubt it, and at that rate, there’s not much available for even basic living expenses, let alone retirement and a 3 month cruise. It just struck me as unrealistic, but again, I could be way off. One more thing to keep in mind, with owning his own place, there’s no retirement plan in effect for him…no pension, no nothing. It all comes down to savings, and I don’t see how he’d have any.
Chris is on his 30’s, and is described as Jim’s assistant, which means to me, he’s a full time employee. Whatever he’s making, in theory, it needs to be enough for Chris to live on, as he’s not some young kid. Let’s say he’s making only $100/day ($25,000/year). That would require right there 10 books being sold each day, at $10 a pop. Again, I doubt Jim could even sell 10 books a day, and it sounds like they’re going for a lot less than $10. Maybe I’m reading too much into this here?
With the 2 punks, it just didn’t come off as realistic for me, Col. It was set up so obviously, that it just didn’t do much for me. I liked how Jim feigned illness…that was well done. I also liked how you set up Chris’ return by showing the sweater slip down on the chair. But based on that line, I wasn’t surprised when he came back, because it was kind of a give away (to me).
My comment about Jim doing this forever, means that it’s quite convenient that he’s never had a problem before, and on his last day, these 2 thugs decide to rob his store, of all places in this town.
My comments about the 2 thugs are based on what I believe to be an unrealistic situation. They don’t seem to fit in, based on what I’m visualizing, but again, my visuals for this place aren’t too good. If you were set in an inner city, no problem at all, but this just doesn’t come off as anything like that. I think they’d stick out like a sore thumb and any cops in the area would kick their asses out. Also, they’re on foot, so I don’t know how they’re going to get away…the whole thing just doesn’t add up for me. Like where are they going to “score” these drugs anyway? Is this a drug dealing, thug oriented little town? It doesn’t seem to be.
Col, I didn’t like any of the thugs dialogue, but I’d say the worst line had to be the one about “Listen hero, there’s 2 of us…” They just didn’t come off as real thugs IMO.
I can see your point about the ending. For me, I needed more. I did like the sign part, but I would have liked to see some kind of sorrow from Jim and maybe even some exchange between them, before she dies.
I didn’t really get the anything about the sign being a cause for the break in, but you make a valid point. Problem is that that is all in retrospect, because at the time, we don’t have any fear fro Nora. It reminds me of something in my Fade, which no one got (if you’re interested, I’ll PM you with the details). Of all the places to rob, an old closing book store is a pretty poor choice…even for idiot junkies.
Yeah, I agree about the meds and twist, but it just didn’t register for me, but in retrospect again, you did a good job with this!
I’ve commented on the walk issue, and it still seems strange, but I just can’t picture it.
The description of “junkies” kind of gave away too much for me. I knew what was going to happen, based on this, and that is a problem for me.
I no longer have the draft you sent, so I don’t know what dialogue you’re referring to in regard to Peter.
Yeah, the book thing went over my head, as did the meds thing. It make sense now, but at the time, it didn’t do anything for me.
As I said, all in all, I did like this and think you did a good job with the genre and you take on it. Jim was a great sympathetic character…I felt for him the entire way through.
I too have been grossly procrastinating my reply, apologies.
First off ,thanks for your detailed post. I think with most of your points it’s just a difference of taste between us. I can understand how you might find some of my turns of phrase a little off or strange, a colloquial thing, different slang, articulation and that. Since television is dominated by America I get to see and learn your mannerisms, speech patterns, expressions as well as the locales, while you might not be as familiar with mine. It’s just the way things are.
I see your point about the predictability but that was to lure the reader in, make them think they’ve got the story sussed before hitting them with the twist at the end. For the first 10 pages or so things do unfold the way the average reader would forecast, with the introduction of Jim, his situation and the junkies but that’s where the last section of the story comes in, turning everything on its head. The fact that the reader believes they have the plot down before the rug is pulled from underneath them. At least this was the effect I was going for, it’s going to work on some, not on others.
I still stand by the build up, in my opinion it supplements the story and characters without over indulging itself. It’s cool with me if not everybody agrees with this. “Yeah, it’s understandable for Nora to pick him up, but it kinda felt like it was written in to serve the plot. Maybe if Jim just said something to Chris about Nora coming in to get him that evening early on.”
Besides it being plausible for his wife to come collect him on his last day regardless of how far the shop is from his home. Jim does refer to Nora coming as Chris is leaving on page 8:
JIM (CONT’D) You can leave the latch off, Nora should be here any second.
Also the tragedy associated with this is if Chris hadn’t left the door open, Peter and Eddie wouldn’t have been able to gain entry to the shop. This is just another example of the misfortunate chain of events which culminate in the disastrous conclusion.
Plus Nora taking 7-8 minutes to drive there could be down to her getting caught in traffic. Sure it’s a small town but the time is just before 6PM when the streets would be at their busiest. Also she is a women behind the wheel of a car, so let’s face it, they’re simply not as equipped with the skills like we are to navigate through such an urban environment.
Good points with the financial situation, I’ve changed it to 1 month cruise since your last post. But who to say Nora didn’t work until ill health demanded her to give up her job and take it easy. Small book stores as you correctly pointed out wouldn’t generate much income and are a dying trade which is why Jim is retiring. But I can believe, given the nature of his location and the length of time he’s owned it that he would have had some good years out of it. As I said, in my local town, the primary book shop owner has made a very good living out of it...that’s to say “has” maybe not so much nowadays.
Good point too about Chris the assistant, again its past earnings when times were more fruitful that serves as Jim’s financial basis. You’ve argued the viability of this employment and are probably right that he can’t afford one. I’m thinking Jim is too nice to let him go and since he is packing up the business anyway for other reasons including money, he may as well keep him on for the remainder of his time as owner.
Also, I don’t know if I’ve already said it but Nora and Jim have had no children, (or at least I didn’t give the impression they had) so they have only ever had themselves to look after, this would surely help in building a sizable nest egg for their latter years.
“With the 2 punks, it just didn’t come off as realistic for me, Col. It was set up so obviously, that it just didn’t do much for me.“
This was my intention. I never hid the fact that the junkies were planning on robbing the shop. I made suggestive hints in the descriptive instead of that because that’s not what this story is about. I didn’t intend for Peter and Eddie entrance at the end to be a big shock, that was inevitable given the earlier scene. The crux of the piece is the consequence of certain choices made by the characters, Jim leaving out the sign, asking Chris to leave the door open, Chris returning, Jim faking the heart attack, Nora locking the car doors. These factors assist each other in creating the unfortunate ending. The two guys robbing the store is just another event within the plot to create drama, it’s significant yes, but not meant to be a big “oh my god” revelation, I thought that was clear in how obvious I made their intention when they are first introduced. They have one plan and one plan only, I never indicated otherwise.
“My comment about Jim doing this forever, means that it’s quite convenient that he’s never had a problem before, and on his last day, these 2 thugs decide to rob his store, of all places in this town.”
I don’t know what to say to this except, that is the nature of drama and storytelling. I mean, you chronicle exceptional, extraordinary circumstances, tell of things that might not normally happen, you know, in order to stir up some interest and intrigue for the reader/viewer. You see how boring real life is when you turn on that mindless, brain numbing sh?t they call “reality” television. That is why fiction was born, to break from the monotony of everyday life.
And whose to know he’s never had this problem before? Robbing a book shop isn’t the first place on a burglars list for sure but because these are disorientated, drug addled individuals they just see an easy score, not caring for the size of the take, just enough to cover their next fix.
I agree with you about them seeming out of place but there is a line by Peter:
PETER I dunno...I’m not going back to the city for awhile anyway, that’s for sure.
Which mustn’t have been in the draft I sent you but on the one posted on SS. It’s not much but goes some way to explain their presence in this town. That something may have went wrong in the city so they’ve come out here to get away. Maybe they had problem with a dealer, or a friend kicked the bucket, who knows. It’s pretty vague I know but it gives the impression that the two are merely passing thru and are not actually from the town.
” Col, I didn’t like any of the thugs dialogue, but I’d say the worst line had to be the one about “Listen hero, there’s 2 of us…” They just didn’t come off as real thugs IMO.”
That’s fine if it didn’t work for you, it is your honest opinion and I completely respect it, more than most I must say. However, I do notice you continually refer to Peter and Eddie as “thugs” or “punks” which is inaccurate. These are drug dependant “junkies”. As I conceded before this may be a crass term but you get the idea of who these people are. “Thug” and “punk” have more sinister, tougher connotations with it while “Junkies” (to me) is more pathetic or pitiful if anything. These people have a seriously debilitating addiction, sometimes rendering them as mere shells of people. This might explain their less then convincing stance in front of the “well built” fearless Chris. He wasn’t part of the plan and isn’t intimidated by them, seeing their appearance and body language.
“Of all the places to rob, an old closing book store is a pretty poor choice…even for idiot junkies.”
That’s exactly it, they’re idiots, stupid, desperate and not thinking right. But also they are only looking for enough to see them through, not a big score. “The description of “junkies” kind of gave away too much for me. I knew what was going to happen, based on this, and that is a problem for me.”
I could change it but it summed up what I saw them to be. It’s a universal term which saved me from going into detail. I think anybody who reads it will know what I’m talking about. Call it laziness, but I prefer to focus more on characters through what they say and do as opposed to their specific appearance, to me it tells you a lot more about them. What they said and done didn’t work for you either so I’ll have to admit defeat to you in that respect.
“Yeah, the book thing went over my head, as did the meds thing. It make sense now, but at the time, it didn’t do anything for me”
Ok, the book isn’t too important, it’s merely another nuance of the story and Jim’s situation. It doesn’t have much sway over the story as a whole. However... if you didn’t get the “meds thing” no wonder you thought the story was “flat” and “cliche” as therein lies the essential twist of the script. The fact that we were led to believe it was Jim who had the heart trouble. Without perceiving this you must have thought “oh, so Nora dies instead of Jim, so what, unlucky for her, shit happens”. But since the medication was hers from the beginning it gives greater reasoning as to why she should die. The bitter irony of Jim feigning his heart attack is given greater resonance too, considering how things turned out.
Once again, Jeff, thanks so much for going into detail here and explaining truthfully what you really thought about the script. I take your comments very seriously which is why I requested a review from you in the first place, and you didn’t disappoint. You’ve given me lots to take on board and think about, should I go and revise this. Cheers.
Apologies for butting in here lads - The junkies were the bit of the story that was the weakest for me. Compared to the rest of the script they seemed too out of place and a bit too obvious. Up until that point in the story I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
No problem, thanks for your input, all appreciated and duly noted. I've posted a newer draft since you read it though so if you ever get the time. It's changed significantly from the first draft.
A small arsy point - but you don't need a page number on your first page. Another - I'm not sure you need all these moments later, minutes later slug endings are necessary. I understand they're more for the reader but they'd be difficult to show on film. I've been reading up on it. I'm just sticking with LATER for now. At least until I hear different from someone wiser than I.
Quoted from YGYA
Jim lifts up the set of shutters to his shop, “The Literary Circle”
You told us the name in the slug, you don't need to repeat it here.
Euros. Are we in Ireland?
"Classic 1930’s jazz plays lightly overhead" - I like the music choice, very fitting, not sure the 'overhead' is necessary.
I note you're sticking with the original plot. Fair enough. I'd have preffered not to have know what Pete & Eddie were. I thought a bit of mystery for them would have been better IMH. Especially of their dialogue had been more ambiguous.
I did think the rest of the script was better than the previous draft.
Only one niggle with it - wouldn't the guys in the shop notice the incident that happens just up the road? Maybe not. I'd have preferred it to be clearer though. In a small town such as this any little news travels almost as fast as light.
Another small point. I'd have clarified what the "“Everything Must Go" in the car near the end actually was. I got it, but I think some would miss it.
Quoted from YGYA
LIVING ROOM - SAME
I can't recall seeing a slug ending with same before. Please elaborate.
I apologise if you've heard all this before.
Overall I think it's improved. I do the ending. The whole thing feels a bit stronger.
I was going to read this one based on the good reviews, but for some reason the link isn't working for me? I'm not sure if it's just my computer or the link.
Pages: 
Author
Your Golden Years Await
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As I say, the reader needs words to help paint the character for them. I’m not going to waste space detailing their attire unless it had some bearing on the story. That is why I used “Junkies” to inform the reader in the least amount of words possible who these people are, their attitudes, outlook, motivations etc.
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