Of course you are right - the more professional the script, the better, if only because it shows you take pride in your work and are serious about what you do. But it can be taken to extremes by some people - I have been told (not on SS, I should say) that if I don't do this, or that, my scripts will never be produced! I often get the impression that some people put form over content...

btw - one of the Directors I know owns her own Production company, and is currently reading my scripts - I've known her for a few years, and she always said that she would if I wrote again. We'll see where this leads!

Sweet, Simon!  That's a great in.  Best of luck to you!

You're right as well...some people say this and that, while having no clue.  Scripts that are total pieces, and even written poorly get produced all the time.  You never know...

I hear what you're saying, Jeff. The interview process is an accurate analogy but I don't think numbering your first page ranks among the other "sins" of scriptwriting you categorized it with. But point taken all the same.

Oh, and nice one with that connexion too, Niles. Hopefully she can make something happen for you.

Well, I would certainly say that anyone who reads this wonderful little script and then can only comment on something as minor as the numbering is clearly missing the point of writing!

Yes, I agree with Jeff - formatting can be important, making it look good and professional are obviously of high priority - but no one should spend their time thinking about this when they write. We are creative people - not typesetters!

To continue the interview comparison - yes, it is important to make a good impression when you enter the room - but let's not forget, you can wear an armani suit, but if you can't put a sentence together, you ain't going to get the job!

I liked it. It started off a bit confusing for me, but as i moved on the script, i liked the way the story turned out. A nice read The ending was really good imo.

Alzidaney

Thanks for the read, mate, glad you liked it. What part confused you, if you don't mind my asking?

during my first read through, i didn't understand what it meant by "your golden years await". but its just me anw, i didnt know the terms they use for retirement and such. but as the story progressed i got to understand abit more why. and i think the title is really suiting though. its like, it adds to the emphasis that he has to be spending his "GOLDEN" years, but all alone.

Yeah, I understand what you mean. I've actually had reservations over the title myself, only for its so intrinsic to the story I probably would have changed it by now. Thanks for your input.

Hey Col, I know I said I'd check this out at the weekend but I had some time.

I've not read over previous comments so sorry for any stupid questions.

You have a few short scenes with Jim early on, did you consider using a montage for these scenes?

You've had a lot of comments so I don't think you want to read a long drawn out review...or do you?

Anyway, I loved the way you flipped the ending.  I was sure Jim was going to pop his clogs on his final day so was surprised when it was his beloved wife, Nora.

Your descriptions are great and gave a good feel to the surroundings.  

Not sure about Peter and Eddie though, they seem to know about Jim but are then surprised that his book shop doesn't make a big profit, the till being almost empty.  Maybe I'm reading too much into their characters, junkies will do anything for a fix...so I'm told.

Anyway, I liked this, it was a nice story, well not nice as it was sad but you get what I mean.  I don't think this should warrant 12 pages, story wise but you make it work.  It didn't drag and despite the short page length, I felt for Jim and Nora.

Good work, thoroughly enjoyed it.

Alffy

Thanks for the read, bud, I'm happy you enjoyed it for the most part.

"You have a few short scenes with Jim early on, did you consider using a montage for these scenes?"

-- Not really, a filmmaker I was talking to about possibly developing the script did bring it up. Could be something worth doing, effective if done right but, no, it wasn't something I envisaged when writing it.

"You've had a lot of comments so I don't think you want to read a long drawn out review...or do you?"

-- No, man, your fine, was just looking to get your honest, overall opinion which is what you gave.

"Anyway, I loved the way you flipped the ending.  I was sure Jim was going to pop his clogs on his final day so was surprised when it was his beloved wife, Nora."

-- Yeah, that was revelation I attempted to spring on the audience without them ever expecting it. Thankfully it seemed to work for most readers.

"Not sure about Peter and Eddie though, they seem to know about Jim but are then surprised that his book shop doesn't make a big profit, the till being almost empty.  Maybe I'm reading too much into their characters, junkies will do anything for a fix...so I'm told."

-- A fair point, you're not the first to comment on it, but like you say "junkies will do anything for a fix..." This was the basis for me taking the script in the direction it went. You hear of stories like this all the time where a couple of...no-gooders we'll call them, (I find the term, even though I used it myself, "Junkies"  a bit crass) rob shops of all kinds for a few quid, typically smash and grab raids which is what these two were planning here.

It seems in most cases they go for the soft touch behind the counter, an old person or a women, rather then actually landing a big score. It just so happened that Jim's takings for his final day were particularly meagre.

Thanks again for taking the time to look at this and as I said, if you got anything you want me to read, don't hesitate to ask.

Col.

Hi Col,

Well this one certainly tugs on the heart strings doesn't it?  

From the get go, as a reader, I think you are waiting for the other shoe to drop from the start.  That said, i enjoyed the misdirection with Jim faking the heart attack only to see Nora eventually felled by one.  In fact I was waiting/hoping that this was some sort of family trick that they had planned in advance should they ever be attacked by a mugger.  That said, I appreciate that you didn't take the "happily ever after route".  This is much more effective.

My only other gripe which I think someone else touched on was the dialouge between the addicts.  I thought it was passable, but maybe too spot on.

Anyway, all in all I enjoyed this very much.

Thanks,
Craig

Craig

Thank you for the read. Yeah, my idea was to lead the reader into thinking that Jim is going to kick it, the medication (which you assume he's takin) and the introduction of the "addicts" spell big trouble on the horizon. It nice to hear the twist worked for you. Not so sure about the family trick thing but in a way, Chris is the intervening factor who diffuses the situation, saves the day even, until Nora arrives on the scene.

Yeah, you're not the first to comment of the two guy's dialogue, I'll look into it.

Once again, I appreciate you taking the time, cheers. Let me know if there is any of yours you would like me to look at.

Col.

Okay, we ADD people can't read through 87 comments...  

Col,

I liked this one. Definitely seems out of your wheelhouse - i.e., it's not a cool, hip, sharp little script, but I think it demonstrates your versatility as a writer...

The first few comments talked about this being over-written - was it? Perhaps, but then again, it's not meant to be READ. I think if everyone would go back and read the narrative and really SEE them, the scenes like Jim clutching his present leap to life. I can see it being filmed, and that's due to your enormous attention to detail, so well done there.

Should I say spoilers at this point? What an absolute heartbreaking last page! I felt Jim's pain. Again, it leapt off the page, so wonderful job there.

The only two questions I have are - one, are the drug addicts normally part of this neighborhood? You do have a line in there about them not wanting to go back to the city. And you are painstaking in painting an idyllic surroundings - the picket fence, the cute bookshop, etc. So they seemed out of place. In other words, if they were an expected danger from time to time, the neighborhood would not be so idyllic.

The only other thing I wondered about was Nora coming to pick Jim up - it seemed like they were going to go someplace after he closed up, yet she had set a nice table, etc.?

Again, great job -

Thanks fro the taking the time, man. Glad you liked it and connected with Jim’s tragedy on the final page.

You're right, it’s perhaps a tad overwritten but that was intended for pacing and build up rather then over indulgence. I've been rightfully accused of over writing many times before so it’s something I try to keep and handle on.

“The only two questions I have are - one, are the drug addicts normally part of this neighborhood? You do have a line in there about them not wanting to go back to the city.

-- No, they are just passing through. That line about wanting to get away from the city for awhile was to suggest they are laying low for the time being. Maybe a deal went bad, maybe they owe money, maybe they’re in trouble with the cops, who knows, I left it open for interpretation.


“And you are painstaking in painting an idyllic surroundings - the picket fence, the cute bookshop, etc. So they seemed out of place. In other words, if they were an expected danger from time to time, the neighborhood would not be so idyllic.””

-- Hopefully the first part answers this in that they are not part of the neighbourhood. Still, even if they were it doesn’t mean a place can’t look idyllic. There is every possibility that a nice town like this could harbour an mostly unseen, lurking criminal element. Every town has its dark secrets, its rough areas, it’s undesirable residence. Look at Blue Velvet for example, one of the central themes of the film (and something that Lynch has explored in other works) is this dismantling of a perceived, sleepy, harmless town by the presence of Booth and his cronies. How a typically, outwardly appearing, peaceful town (picket fence as standard as shown in the opening shots) can contain such a force of sheer violence and depravity within its streets and buildings.


The only other thing I wondered about was Nora coming to pick Jim up - it seemed like they were going to go someplace after he closed up, yet she had set a nice table, etc.?

-- An understandable question. The reason I had Nora pick up Jim is because it’s his last day, a momentous occasion in both their lives. Something she may want to share with him as he closes the doors for the last time, to be with him as he walks away from his lifelong livelihood forever. Also, to save the man having to walk home the day he closes his shop for good, even if it is only a short distance.

Thanks again for the read, Anthony. Much appreciated.

Cheers

Col.

I just finished your most recent update, so thought I would check this out.
I like the story and the pacing, you got me with Jim faking a heart attack.
I felt bad about Nora and appreciate the symbolism of the book.
Bad things happen to good people, bummer, but well executed.
One typo really stood out, "potter", I think you meant, "putter around".