ED

Thanks again for the read, you're too kind.

Yep, bad things happen to good people and sometimes the best intentions can have the most tragic of consequences.

With regards the typo, that was pointed it out to me some time ago but well spotted nonetheless. This is an old draft; it has undergone a polish or two since then.

Thanks again for the read and once again let me know if you want me to return the favour. Feel free to PM me.

Cheers.

Col.

Nice touch of irony encapsulating a sentimental tale.

A fake heart attack prevents a confrontation at the door, allowing the bad guys to flee, but resulting in a situation outside which leads to his wife having a fatal heart attack.

The only part about the Robinson Crusoe idea that didn't work, maybe, was the fact that Jim loved his book shop.

Moving portrayal.

Kevin

Thanks for checking this out, it’s been a while since I've gone back to this script.

Yeah, I thought the tragic irony of the fake heart attack worked rather nicely. The meds at the beginning were meant to throw the reader into assuming they were for Jim, only at the end do we see Nora’s name on the label.

The Robinson Crusoe reference was more because I read somewhere that it was the first novel ever published and of course it’s an adventure tale which I intended to mirror Jim's venture onto retirement and their impending holiday.

Yes, Jim is sad to see the shop go, understandably too but I tried to convey that there is also a part of him looking forward to his golden years. For my experience with folk of that vintage (i.e. my own father this year) entering retirement brings about mixed feelings for the individual.

Thanks again, man.

Col.

Wow! That was really good. I know I'm a bit late to the party but really enjoyed this. Touching characters I cared about, realistic dialogue, some nice touches of misdirection and it was powerful, sad.

I struggle to come up with any suggestions really, there's nothing wrong with the formatting and it read really well. It's a great story and looks cheap to produce.

My only thought was as I read through it I felt the tension could have been introduced sooner. My thoughts were 'Well this is nice, pleasent, a guy is retiring - but are we going to just be a fly on the wall for this trip?' It was only after about three minutes I realised something more was going to happen and then I got really interested. Not sure if you could introduce that menace a bit earlier but may be worth considering. Three minutes is nothing in a feature but in a short it can be a lifetime if the audience loses interest.

Just a suggestion though, that's a top script!

Mark

Thanks for you comments, glad it worked for you.

I see what you mean about it taking its time to get going. I wanted to set the scene, familiarize the reader with the character so when things do pick up we will care about him and what eventually happens. Point taken though, you're not the first to mention it.

Thanks again for taking the time.

Col.

It's well-written which made for an enjoyable read.  Your formatting conventions are stronger than mine, so I have nothing to add there.  I would like to focus on the story itself.

I was confused about the setting.  Being an American, initially I assumed I was in an American small town (a bit of ethnocentrism I suppose), but some of the cues seemed off.  Then I saw the Euro symbol and realized I wasn't in Kansas anymore.  I never got a good sense of where I was, except that it was a small town.  Was that intentional?

The other thing I assumed was that the heart medication was Jim's.  I'm pretty certain that was intentional and it was a nice twist to learn it was Nora's.  The selection of Robinson Caruso was poignant.

What didn't work for me was the 2nd half of the climax with Nora.  She has the presence of mind to lock the doors, but not to drive off?  Doesn't ring true to me.  Either she's a small town naif and does neither, or she's a savvy city-dweller and does both.

Maybe she swerves to miss Peter and Eddie and hits something?  Now she's a bit dazed and can't easily drive off.  When she sees them coming at her, the natural thing would be to lock her doors.

Anyway, good job.

Jon

Thanks for digging this up, tis been knocking around for awhile.

Quoted from JonP I was confused about the setting.  Being an American, initially I assumed I was in an American small town (a bit of ethnocentrism I suppose), but some of the cues seemed off.  Then I saw the Euro symbol and realized I wasn't in Kansas anymore.  I never got a good sense of where I was, except that it was a small town.  Was that intentional?

- Ha, yes indeed, you are not in the midwest any more! I'm Irish and this is set in a small Irish town. People from there would recognize it and the characters. Bloody Americans always assume it’s about them, center of the world and all that

Still, you're point about the lack of clarity in terms of knowing where its set is a valid one as I consciously try to keep my scripts as geographically neutral as possible. Unless it informs the story, I like to think they could just as easily be adapted to take place anywhere...within reason of course.

Quoted from JonP The other thing I assumed was that the heart medication was Jim's.  I'm pretty certain that was intentional and it was a nice twist to learn it was Nora's.  The selection of Robinson Caruso was poignant.

- Yup, that was totally intentional. Showing the medication at the beginning (but not the label) then seeing Jim fill the tumbler with water was intended to give the impression it was for him when in fact he was doing it for Nora. Yeah, The Robinson Crusoe reference may be a little heavy handed, it ties in with the travelling motif (Jim and Nora's planned holiday) but I chose it primarily because it’s considered to be one the earliest novels to be published so it would hold a special place for a literary aficionado like Jim

Quoted from JonP What didn't work for me was the 2nd half of the climax with Nora.  She has the presence of mind to lock the doors, but not to drive off?  Doesn't ring true to me.  Either she's a small town naif and does neither, or she's a savvy city-dweller and does both. Maybe she swerves to miss Peter and Eddie and hits something?  Now she's a bit dazed and can't easily drive off.  When she sees them coming at her, the natural thing would be to lock her doors.

- Sorry this part didn't work for you. My reasoning for Nora's reaction was that she locks the doors in her panic, that knee jerk reflex, but is then seized by her weak heart before she can do anything else. And of course locking the doors ends up working against her and makes it all the more tragic. Plus, the fact that Jim fakes a heart attack (at this time we still think it’s his medicine) to scare off Peter and Eddie which inadvertently sends them (literally) on a collision course with Nora. I liked playing with that kind of tragic irony, the knock on effects of actions and their consequences.

She could swerve and crash into something else but I figured her knocking Peter and Eddie down would carry the most visceral impact, both visually and to shock Nora into a heart attack. First she hits these two strangers before they pick themselves up to go attack her, knife in hand. That’s pretty traumatic sh?t right there!

Anyway, thanks for the read, really appreciate it. I see you have just posted a script. I will return the favour before the weekend is out.

Col.

Col,

All comments should be taken with a dose of salt.  If they work, claim them.

Generally, I don't like stories that begin with an alarm clock ringing.  It's a personal thing.  For the most part, I think the opening is cliche and unnecessary.  This one is an exception for two reasons.  The calendar is a bookend for the story, and the heart medicine is a setup for the fake and real heart attacks later.

I think som of the stuff about the town is unnecessary.  The audience will infer that shops open, and people start moving.  Since most of it won't come back into play later, I don't see using it.  

The thugs are necessary, but a bit too on the nose for me.  

the rest is fine.  The reversals are nice.  The irony works for me.  Nice job.

Richard

Richard

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Quoted from RichardR Col,Generally, I don't like stories that begin with an alarm clock ringing.  It's a personal thing.  For the most part, I think the opening is cliche and unnecessary.  This one is an exception for two reasons.  The calendar is a bookend for the story, and the heart medicine is a setup for the fake and real heart attacks later.

- Ha, glad you were able to get past your aversion and see they were there for reasons other than merely signalling the beginning of a day.

Quoted from RichardR I think som of the stuff about the town is unnecessary.  The audience will infer that shops open, and people start moving.  Since most of it won't come back into play later, I don't see using it.

- Really, that was a issue for you? Its only two lines. They are there to give a sense of place and atmosphere, to set the scene. I don't see a problem with dedicating some white space to that in your script. Not every line needs to be loaded with portent or to-be-revealed significance.

Quoted from RichardR The thugs are necessary, but a bit too on the nose for me.

- True they are your classic desperate scumbags out to make a quick buck but like you say they were necessary for the story, to set the chain of events in motion. However, as influential as they are, they are a periphery part of what the script is about.

Quoted from RichardR the rest is fine.  The reversals are nice.  The irony works for me.  Nice job.

- Thanks, I'm happy some of it worked for you. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Col.

Col,

I've been thinking about your short and it would make a good Act I for a feature.  Nora's death as the inciting incident.  Instead of going on a cruise, it could be plane tickets to some exotic locale, like Thailand.

You could show how helpless Jim is taking care of himself having not been a bachelor for decades.  Jim's friends encourage him to get off his butt and go on the trip anyway.  Maybe the sun and surf will do him good.  The house feels like it's closing in on him, so he agrees.

The place is nice-enough, but he can't really enjoy himself doing regular tourist activities.  Plus, the culture is so fascinating to him.  Instead of experiencing life outside his small town vicariously through a book, he finally has a chance to experience it directly.

So he wanders outside the vacation resort bubble and volunteers to read for the local children who want to learn English.  It rekindles something in him that he dearly misses.  He hasn't felt this alive in years.  He meets a single mom who's fond of him, but he feels guilty about returning her affection.  

He goes back home, but he just can't settle in.  He's too haunted.  His friends insist he needs to move on and not torture himself.  Nora would want him to.  So he sells the house and relocates there.

...Or something like that.  Plenty of directions you could take it in.

Quoted from JonP I've been thinking about your short and it would make a good Act I for a feature.  Nora's death as the inciting incident.  Instead of going on a cruise, it could be plane tickets to some exotic locale, like Thailand. You could show how helpless Jim is taking care of himself having not been a bachelor for decades.  Jim's friends encourage him to get off his butt and go on the trip anyway.  Maybe the sun and surf will do him good.  The house feels like it's closing in on him, so he agrees. The place is nice-enough, but he can't really enjoy himself doing regular tourist activities.  Plus, the culture is so fascinating to him.  Instead of experiencing life outside his small town vicariously through a book, he finally has a chance to experience it directly. So he wanders outside the vacation resort bubble and volunteers to read for the local children who want to learn English.  It rekindles something in him that he dearly misses.  He hasn't felt this alive in years.  He meets a single mom who's fond of him, but he feels guilty about returning her affection.   He goes back home, but he just can't settle in.  He's too haunted.  His friends insist he needs to move on and not torture himself.  Nora would want him to.  So he sells the house and relocates there. ...Or something like that.  Plenty of directions you could take it in.

- Interesting ideas here, Jon, thanks for sharing. To be honest, I never thought about expanding this as I see it as a self contained story. That's not to say it couldn't be done either though.

What you suggest sounds something along the lines of About Schmidt, a film I love but I would need to inject some humour here, a lightness. As its written, the tone is too po-faced and serious for a story of Jim embarking on this second life of sorts. By that same token, I don't want it becoming some Eat Pray Love drivel or a retiree's Into the Wild. In other words, a film in which an over privileged, self-satisfied protagonist "find themselves". Nothing worse than following those kind of people around for two hours.

It could be a poignant and at times funny story to take on alright, I'm just not of the vintage yet to fully appreciate and understand that character and take them on such a journey. I do like the teaching English angle though as that's what I'm currently doing myself at the moment in Taiwan.

Thanks again for your suggestions.

Col.

Quoted from JonP I've been thinking about your short and it would make a good Act I for a feature.  Nora's death as the inciting incident.  Instead of going on a cruise, it could be plane tickets to some exotic locale, like Thailand. You could show how helpless Jim is taking care of himself having not been a bachelor for decades.  Jim's friends encourage him to get off his butt and go on the trip anyway.  Maybe the sun and surf will do him good.  The house feels like it's closing in on him, so he agrees. The place is nice-enough, but he can't really enjoy himself doing regular tourist activities.  Plus, the culture is so fascinating to him.  Instead of experiencing life outside his small town vicariously through a book, he finally has a chance to experience it directly. So he wanders outside the vacation resort bubble and volunteers to read for the local children who want to learn English.  It rekindles something in him that he dearly misses.  He hasn't felt this alive in years.  He meets a single mom who's fond of him, but he feels guilty about returning her affection.   He goes back home, but he just can't settle in.  He's too haunted.  His friends insist he needs to move on and not torture himself.  Nora would want him to.  So he sells the house and relocates there. ...Or something like that.  Plenty of directions you could take it in.

- Interesting ideas here, Jon, thanks for sharing. To be honest, I never thought about expanding this as I see it as a self contained story. That's not to say it couldn't be done either though.

What you suggest sounds something along the lines of About Schmidt, a film I love but I would need to inject some humour here, a lightness. As its written, the tone is too po-faced and serious for a story of Jim embarking on this second life of sorts. By that same token, I don't want it becoming some Eat Pray Love drivel or a retiree's Into the Wild. In other words, a film in which an over privileged, self-satisfied protagonist "find themselves". Nothing worse than following those kind of people around for two hours.

It could be a poignant and at times funny story to take on alright, I'm just not of the vintage yet to fully appreciate and understand that character and take them on such a journey. I do like the teaching English angle though as that's what I'm currently doing myself at the moment in Taiwan and it would tie in nicely with his character.

Thanks again for your suggestions.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Interesting ideas here, Jon, thanks for sharing. To be honest, I never thought about expanding this as I see it as a self contained story. That's not to say it couldn't be done either though. What you suggest sounds something along the lines of About Schmidt, a film I love but I would need to inject some humour here, a lightness. As its written, the tone is too po-faced and serious for a story of Jim embarking on this second life of sorts. By that same token, I don't want it becoming some Eat Pray Love drivel or a retiree's Into the Wild. In other words, a film in which an over privileged, self-satisfied protagonist "find themselves". Nothing worse than following those kind of people around for two hours. It could be a poignant and at times funny story to take on alright, I'm just not of the vintage yet to fully appreciate and understand that character and take them on such a journey. I do like the teaching English angle though as that's what I'm currently doing myself at the moment in Taiwan and it would tie in nicely with his character. Thanks again for your suggestions. Col.

Yes, I was thinking of a take on About Schmidt.  Yeah, I agree with the privileged finding-oneself annoyance, unless you make fun of them and their privileged ethnocentric sensibilities.

You may not be old yet, but that doesn't mean you can't write about old people.  Hell, you wrote the short, didn't you?  I'm not a woman or a vampire (I swear), but I wrote about them.

Quoted from JonP You may not be old yet, but that doesn't mean you can't write about old people.  Hell, you wrote the short, didn't you?  I'm not a woman or a vampire (I swear), but I wrote about them.

Ha, true, a short is one thing though, a feature is a different beast. Of course if we all strictly wrote about "what we know" storytelling would be very dull indeed.

Hey Col,

Just finished this. And I think it was well written in the sense that it's exactly what you wanted it to be. A drama about likable characters with some touching moments and a sad ending. You had me with the fake heart attack and then the twist.

I don't have a problem with the ending being a downer, but I do have a nitpick about it. Personally, I like tragic endings that tie to an overarching theme somehow. Like, the character has a flaw he can't overcome so he meets a fatal fate, making the story a cautionary tale. Here (unless I missed something, which I do a lot, especially with dramas), the protagonist's fate seems to be the result of chance; a couple of junkies happened to rob his store that day. It's believable; that's life, this kind of shit happens everyday. My point is, the difference between a sad story and a sad event you read on the news is that the story usually makes a point (theme) with its tragic ending. And in this tale, while well written, that additional layer of the tragic outcome seems to be missing.

But hey, just one guy's opinion. Just throwing it out there in case it's useful. Well done, though. And best of luck with it.