SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 11th, 2019, 9:10pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  So Many Words Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    So Many Words  (currently 2966 views)
Don
Posted: June 13th, 2009, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13474
Posts Per Day
1.95
So Many Words by James Redd - Short - A couple have a fight in their backyard. Why are the harshest words the easiest to say? 2 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 14th, 2009, 5:33pm
Logged
Site Private Message
cloroxmartini
Posted: June 13th, 2009, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
864
Posts Per Day
0.21
i'm pretty sure i know what you were shooting for (pun intended), but you didn't hit the mark.

what's with the bullet holes appearing? is someone in the car shooting? is the young couple shot dead?

voice overs never carry things for me. maybe try real dialogue then kill everyone off.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
Baltis.
Posted: June 13th, 2009, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



At very least we know the name of the work in question with how many times it was littered through out the script. A little overboard - I'd say.  Anyways, it's fairly well written. Very blunt and direct in the descriptions. That's good.

The VO work is a little taxing, but sometimes it's needed. Here, in your 2 page epic, I don't know if it was working for or against it. "Shrugs"

The whole thing is a wash in the end cause it just has little to offer. Nothing to offer me, as a writer myself. I learned nothing from it. Nothing for other writers "who might be new" as they're gonna think 2 page epics are the norm anymore... Which, sadly, they are.

I'm sure you spent hours and hours cranking this one out, but in the end you failed to connect with me. "A READER" ... you don't always have to connect to all of your writers, sure... but for the most part I am willing to be a lot of people who reads this will feel the same. They just won't tell you as bluntly as I did.

That's my 2 cents.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 13th, 2009, 10:35pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 23
James R
Posted: June 14th, 2009, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05
Thanks for the read, cloroxmartini, and for the honesty.

Quoted from cloroxmartini
i'm pretty sure i know what you were shooting for (pun intended), but you didn't hit the mark.

Were the questions you listed the reason why I didn't hit the mark? To answer, there was a drive by shooting aimed at the couple walking and while Kate and Brian were both using words as ammunition against each other (Brian, anyway) real live ammunition was fired ending any opportunity for them to make up.

Thanks for the read, Baltis, and the honesty as well. Honesty is our policy!

Quoted from Baltis-
Anyways, it's fairly well written. Very blunt and direct in the descriptions. That's good.

Thanks you, sir. This started out much longer (maybe even 5 pages!) but I kept whittling it away to what I thought might be its essence. As I wrote the story sort of changed and this is what resulted.


Quoted from Baltis-
I'm sure you spent hours and hours cranking this one out, but in the end you failed to connect with me.

Sorry you didn't love it, it was a quick one for me (not sure if the "hours and hours" was sarcastic or not). I was doing a lot of outlining for a handful of feature lengths I have been working on and just wanted to write.

Thanks again for the reads and the comments.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
slabstaa
Posted: June 14th, 2009, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



it was too damn sad for my liking.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 23
James R
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 9:21am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from slabby
it was too damn sad for my liking.

I see you've found a way to get past the cuss-word-finder.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
alffy
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 10:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2299
Posts Per Day
0.46
Hey James

This was a strange little short, not sure if I liked it or not really.

I was intrigued to see what the argument was about and thought perhaps Kate and Brian had lost their child, so the shooting was a surprise.  

It had emotion but unfortunately we don't know enough about the couple to care for them.  They're arguing so they come across as unpleasent people not caring paretns which they might be.

I'm not sure why they were shot at all, was it just coincidence?

Your writing was good, the descriptions and V.O.'s worked well but I didn't find the story strong enough.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Andrew
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Soon to be Sydney, Australia!
Posts
1695
Posts Per Day
0.43
James,

It left me internally divided. I mean, it's more like an ad, y'know. One of those warning ads. It's well-written enough, but just seems wildly underdeveloped. It kinda feels like you wrote something, and planned to embellish it, but never quite did.

I suspect that there's something profound weaved within this story, but the meaning feels lost - to me, at least - 'cos you've got such little on the page.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
James R
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05
Thanks for the reads, alffy and Andrew.


Quoted from alffy
I was intrigued to see what the argument was about and thought perhaps Kate and Brian had lost their child, so the shooting was a surprise.  

It had emotion but unfortunately we don't know enough about the couple to care for them.  They're arguing so they come across as unpleasent people not caring paretns which they might be.

I'm not sure why they were shot at all, was it just coincidence?

I didn't feel like the nature of the argument was important, just the fact that they were arguing. Point taken that there isn't much to go on as far as rooting for the characters. And yes, the shooting was meant for the couple walking on the sidewalk and a stray bullet got through and hit Brian. This started out as a longer script that was whittled down, maybe too much I'm thinking after the comments that have been made.
Thanks for the comments.


Quoted from Andrew Allen
It left me internally divided. I mean, it's more like an ad, y'know. One of those warning ads. It's well-written enough, but just seems wildly underdeveloped. It kinda feels like you wrote something, and planned to embellish it, but never quite did.

I suspect that there's something profound weaved within this story, but the meaning feels lost - to me, at least - 'cos you've got such little on the page.

Yes, it started as something bigger (a revenge story centered around Kate seeking out the guys in the car who shot Brian) but once I started writing it changed. I wanted it to feel sudden and brevity seemed to be the answer but maybe you weren't given enough time to root for the characters. I may revisit the bigger story at some point.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
Baltis.
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from James R
Thanks for the reads, alffy and Andrew.


I didn't feel like the nature of the argument was important, just the fact that they were arguing. Point taken that there isn't much to go on as far as rooting for the characters. And yes, the shooting was meant for the couple walking on the sidewalk and a stray bullet got through and hit Brian. This started out as a longer script that was whittled down, maybe too much I'm thinking after the comments that have been made.
Thanks for the comments.


Yes, it started as something bigger (a revenge story centered around Kate seeking out the guys in the car who shot Brian) but once I started writing it changed. I wanted it to feel sudden and brevity seemed to be the answer but maybe you weren't given enough time to root for the characters. I may revisit the bigger story at some point.

James


James, all I can ask is that you please don't revisit the bigger story... We've seen it done many, many, many, many times now. Jodi Fosters absurd last attempt was proabbly the last time we should be subjected to revenge stories as such. They just don't work... Not when a male lead is in them... Not when a female lead is in them.

Revenge stories -- blow by and large. Keep what ya got.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 23
slabstaa
Posted: June 16th, 2009, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from James R

I see you've found a way to get past the cuss-word-finder.




you wrote this?  well, like I said, it was really sad, to me at least.  I got teary eyed/moved in a way.  there was only 1 other script (which was a short too) on here that got me that way, and I think it was about an alcoholic and how his life just went by in a haze.  I forget who wrote it, and what its called, but I recommend it.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 23
James R
Posted: June 16th, 2009, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from Baltis
Revenge stories -- blow by and large. Keep what ya got.

That doesn't mean I can't do it, right? Maybe I can start a trend...


Quoted from slabby
well, like I said, it was really sad, to me at least.  I got teary eyed/moved in a way.

Job well done to me then, right? Glad it made you feel.


Quoted from slabby
there was only 1 other script (which was a short too) on here that got me that way, and I think it was about an alcoholic and how his life just went by in a haze.  I forget who wrote it, and what its called, but I recommend it.

That reminds me of the joke Marlin tells in "Finding Nemo". I'd love to read it if you can find it again.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
cloroxmartini
Posted: June 16th, 2009, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
864
Posts Per Day
0.21

Quoted from James R
Were the questions you listed the reason why I didn't hit the mark? To answer, there was a drive by shooting aimed at the couple walking and while Kate and Brian were both using words as ammunition against each other (Brian, anyway) real live ammunition was fired ending any opportunity for them to make up.


Then what you wrote is poetry, in a sense, and not in a good way. I could figure out there was a senseless drive by. Saying that the words they argue with are ammunition, and then someone gets shot with our typical ammunition is too subliminal for me to figure out on my own. But I have been told to write for an eighth grade audience. There was all the voice over and no dialogue. All you say is implied. It's not explicit and in my opinion should be explicit. It's a blueprint for a movie for Pete's sake, not a secret. What you're doing is trying to be cute with it and it ended up not working. Why not have them argue for real? Ditch the VO. That would take some real work. Why not show some thugs hanging out the window with submachine guns and wasting everyone? Why just a car drives by and bullet holes appear in the fence?

A CAR SKIDS AROUND THE CORNER. OUT THE WINDOW HANGS A WILD EYED YOUTH WITH A SUBMACHINE GUN. HE OPENS FIRE ON THE HAPPY WALKING COUPLE, RIDDLING THEM WITH BULLETS.

SOME STRAY BULLETS PUNCH THROUGH THE FENCE...

AND FIND THEIR WAY TO BRIAN.

HE TAKES SEVERAL MORTAL HITS AND FALLS TO THE GRASS.

KATE WHIPS UP AN RPG AND BLOWS UP THE PERP CAR.

SHE THEN RUSHES OVER TO SEE IF BRIAN IS ALIVE. HE'S NOT. SHE CRIES OVER HIS DEAD BODY.

KATE: (SNIFF, SOB) THAT'LL...(SNIFF) TEACH YOU TO TALK TO ME LIKE WE HAVE FOREVER, BRIAN (SNIFF). BUT I GOT THOSE FUCKERS! YOU'DA BEEN PROUD, LIKE YOU WERE WHEN WE FIRST MET (SNIFF).

Why not tie the thugs to one of the characters so it means more? Maybe they are arguing about his drug deals and some day it's all going to backfire, so then it does.

Even if you did all that, what's the point? Talk to someone like it's their last day, or could be? Why not have them argue and he backs out of the driveway like a crazed and angry man and he gets plowed into by the garbage truck? Or he doesn't pay attention as he backs out and runs over Mr. and Mrs. Happy? Why not have them argue and his plane crashed and she hears about it on the news? So...why bullets? When do you EVER hear of this kind of thing besides in the movies? "Random" violence like this more often than not ends up not being so random, meaning there is usually a connection between the perp and the victim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
James R
Posted: June 17th, 2009, 9:31am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05
I guess I wanted the VO to be sort of a subtext for what was really happening. In her VO Kate doesn't really talk about what's happening, otherwise there would be no point in it and real dialogue should replace it.

The action you mentioned were all good suggestions but at that point the sadness is taken out of it and it becomes anger, but almost comical. Maybe what I wrote is too subtle (it wouldn't be the first time) for some, maybe most. I don't want to take the focus off Kate and Brian, which is why you only see the couple walking on the sidewalk and the car full of gun-wielding maniacs through the fence (Kate's POV).

This was originally intended to be a longer piece that I cut down to a single scene when I wrote it because I felt sadness when the situation took place. It was going to be a tale of revenge where Kate finds the gun-wielders and takes them out but I liked this better.

Thanks for the comments and the suggestions, it's more than most people take the time to give. Any other suggestions?

James

PS - do you have anything posted here? I'd like to return the read, though it may be a week or two. We're about to have a baby!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
jayrex
Posted: June 17th, 2009, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1448
Posts Per Day
0.30
Hello James,

I thought this was a good two page short.  Wasn't too taxing to read and difficult to understand.  I liked the message you've conveyed and see nothing wrong with it.

Keep it as it is.  Good job.

All the best,


Javier


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: June 17th, 2009, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11170
Posts Per Day
2.54
I actually think the V.O. works well here.  I don't think the story does, however, as I wouldn't have a clue this is a drive by shooting.  Biggest problem is the amount of passive verbiage on display.  It's everywhere, and in something so short, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.

So that's that.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 23
James R
Posted: June 17th, 2009, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from jayrex
Wasn't too taxing to read and difficult to understand.  I liked the message you've conveyed and see nothing wrong with it.

I'm glad it wasn't too taxing. So you read the entire two pages? Thanks for the comments and compliments.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Biggest problem is the amount of passive verbiage on display.  It's everywhere, and in something so short, it just sticks out like a sore thumb.

Huh, nobody has pointed that out yet, you've given me something to look at. Thanks for the comments, fellow Arizonan.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: June 17th, 2009, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11170
Posts Per Day
2.54
I'm in Chandler...soon to be North Scottsdale. Where are you?

Yeah, the passive verbiage thing is something that just jumps out at me.  As I say so often, IMO, it's not that you can't ever use it, but two things are big no nos for me...when it's used early on, and when it comes in multiple examples before the story has a grip.  At only 2 pages, I don't think you should have any passive verbiage in here.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 23
cloroxmartini
Posted: June 17th, 2009, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
864
Posts Per Day
0.21

Quoted from James R
I guess I wanted the VO to be sort of a subtext for what was really happening.


The elusive subtext. Like I said, I think you tried too hard with it instead of being Nike about it (the subtext there is JUST DO IT).


Quoted from James R
In her VO Kate doesn't really talk about what's happening, otherwise there would be no point in it and real dialogue should replace it.


Having voice over is still talking. You're explaining the very subtext you're looking for by talking and I'm not sure that would be subtext anyway, that would be tragedy because how does she know what's about to happen? Subtext would be something like he's talking about changing the oil in his car because it's been such a long time and she, being fresh out of prison, says something like..."well, I then I think I need my oil changed, too."


Quoted from James R
The action you mentioned were all good suggestions but at that point the sadness is taken out of it and it becomes anger, but almost comical. Maybe what I wrote is too subtle (it wouldn't be the first time) for some, maybe most. I don't want to take the focus off Kate and Brian, which is why you only see the couple walking on the sidewalk and the car full of gun-wielding maniacs through the fence (Kate's POV).


Of course you realize my action was a joke. And yours was too subtle, no maybe about it. Like I said, you're not writing prose here, your writing a script. You could write it MOS, but someone still has to be hanging out the window of the car shooting, even if it's puffs of smoke and ripping fence set to Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight.


Quoted from James R
This was originally intended to be a longer piece that I cut down to a single scene when I wrote it because I felt sadness when the situation took place. It was going to be a tale of revenge where Kate finds the gun-wielders and takes them out but I liked this better.


Then I wasn't too far off with Kate's RPG. Hehe. You get 'em Kate!


Quoted from James R
We're about to have a baby!


Uh, correction, she is...you're just along for the ride and hair pulling, and have fun with that. I hope he/she has all their fingers and toes.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 23
James R
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 9:02am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from Dreamscale
At only 2 pages, I don't think you should have any passive verbiage in here.

Thanks, I'll have to go over it again. I should have known better, given I just read the part in Stephen King's "On Writing" where he talks about it too.
I'm in Casa Grande, just moved down from Mesa. I think we've talked about this before?

To cloroxmartini: thank you for the lesson, really. I'm learning as I go and people like you make it much easier. You think I should throw out the VO entirely and have real dialogue then? I can do that.

Quoted from cloroxmartini
You could write it MOS, but someone still has to be hanging out the window of the car shooting, even if it's puffs of smoke and ripping fence set to Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight.

That was good. I had never heard the term MOS.

Quoted from cloroxmartini
Uh, correction, she is...you're just along for the ride and hair pulling, and have fun with that. I hope he/she has all their fingers and toes.

Correction of your correction: I feel everything she feels, only magnified. Since I cannot actually feel it I imagine feeling it and imagine that it's 10x worse than it probably actually is. And yes, she was born happy and healthy.
Thanks again.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 23
cloroxmartini
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
864
Posts Per Day
0.21

Quoted from James R
Correction of your correction: I feel everything she feels, only magnified. Since I cannot actually feel it I imagine feeling it and imagine that it's 10x worse than it probably actually is. And yes, she was born happy and healthy.
Thanks again.


congratulations. now spend your money wisely.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 23
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1705
Posts Per Day
0.41
James

You always give mine a go so its only right to return the favour. I'm generally not keen or just indifferent to short shorts like this, 1 and 2 pagers. I enjoy the quick read but ultimately they don't do much for me and I'm left unsatified.

I'm afraid this was no different, an admirable attempt I will say, the voiceover and message you were trying to convey is a poignant one but 2 pages simply don't cover it. It's clear you have something to say with this, why not give yourself more leeway to exploit it? The shooting of the couple was too random, too out of the blue to make any impact, I was just left wondering why.

As I said, a good subject to explore and its obvious from other works I've read of yours that you're a talented writer, my wish is fo you to express yourself more or at least give yourself a chance. Maybe take a little time to flesh out a plot and formulate a more complete script using what you've got here.

Best of luck

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 23
jwent6688
Posted: June 27th, 2009, 11:30am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1749
Posts Per Day
0.43
Hello James, talking to myself again. I liked it for a 2 pager. i got that it was a drive bye right off, think someone else posted they were confused. It was sad and moving so I think you hit the mark. Bye the way I love revenge stories, when they're good. Been alo of crappy films about them lately. Anyways, nice work...  James <- that's me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 23
James R
Posted: June 29th, 2009, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
221
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey, Col. Thanks for reading again.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
The shooting of the couple was too random, too out of the blue to make any impact, I was just left wondering why.

Aren't accidental deaths always like that? I get what you mean, though.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Maybe take a little time to flesh out a plot and formulate a more complete script using what you've got here.

I may, I may not. This was intended to be a longer script originally but it changed on me once I started writing. This was a fairly quick one and I have since moved on.

Good to hear from you again.

Hey, James. Thanks for reading, James, and for the compliments. James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006