Hello Glenn, thanks for the read.

Quoted from tonkatough Hmm. Not bad this one. The supernatural themes felt a little to generic for me. You had some good visuals like the flowing dirty water and the tarot cards where used effectively, but the whole haunted angle of past play itself out in ghostly images is a bit stale.

Fair enough.

Quoted from tonkatough I thought you handled your character quite well, and made him pathetic enough to make me feel sorry for him and be concerned for his well-being. Maybe it was all the poker games that even thou he lost every game, he was still stupid enough to go back for more. This gave Adrian a very human quality.

Happy that you saw that.

Quoted from tonkatough SPOILER ALERT What I did like was your big reveal at the end. I enjoyed that and a bit of a freaky concept that those who visit Psychics for guidance could end up becoming prey to a Psychic can be the one who alter a customers future. A cool idea and I would like to have seen more focus on Lady Demor and learn what she was and what she was about- oh and that little girl too.

This was an unusual angle I went for and was one that I originally didn't think off.  Lady Demor was more of an extra and more and more I used her.  It changed the concept as I earlier gave Michael a different angle I was going for when I signed up.

Quoted from tonkatough Also I second what Dreamscale posted above about your action sentences being fragmented cause you use a full stop where a comma would work better. It interrupted the flow of your script and made it annoying to read. A silly simple mistake that is easily fixed.

Noted.

Cheers,


Javier

I'm sorry, I'm kinda gonna load off on you with this one but only because I've read so many of the same kinda supernatural thrillers already. At some point, I have to speak up...

The writing is fine. The dialogue is nothing to pick at and your descriptions are relatively vivid and strong. The story is also technically not something to take issue with. My problem here was with the general formula. All of these supernatural thrillers seem to be the same. Character interactions are interspliced with random supernatural freakouts usually involving a little girl and maybe some blood. Not a bad thing, per se. Just done to death. That's not the biggest problem though. The main thing is that stories just can't unfold like this. No information is gained from these ghost sequences so the characters can hardly push forward. It's just episodic in the end. This was my issue with your story as well as all stories of this kinda. Basically... shit happens.

I think your protagonist could be more proactive. Snoop around. The more he uncovers, the more dangerous things get. Again, the story needs to unfold. One thing needs to lead to another. Here, everything feels haphazard. I also think you would benefit from supporting characters playing roles with more impact. The fortune teller seems all well and good but she really just talks. Her relationship with the girl is also not explained.

Again, nothing you're doing is all that wrong. The visuals are well suited for the genre. I particularly liked Adrian's face on the Death card in the end. But everything's all over the place. Not in a confusing way. You just seem to be lacking a defined direction.

Hope this helps.

Hello James,

Thanks for the read, the more the merrier.

Quoted from James McClung The writing is fine. The dialogue is nothing to pick at and your descriptions are relatively vivid and strong. The story is also technically not something to take issue with.

Cool.

Quoted from James McClung My problem here was with the general formula.

Uh-oh.

Quoted from James McClung All of these supernatural thrillers seem to be the same. Character interactions are interspliced with random supernatural freakouts usually involving a little girl and maybe some blood. Not a bad thing, per se. Just done to death. That's not the biggest problem though. The main thing is that stories just can't unfold like this. No information is gained from these ghost sequences so the characters can hardly push forward. It's just episodic in the end. This was my issue with your story as well as all stories of this kinda. Basically... shit happens.

Fair enough.

Quoted from James McClung I think your protagonist could be more proactive. Snoop around. The more he uncovers, the more dangerous things get. Again, the story needs to unfold. One thing needs to lead to another. Here, everything feels haphazard. I also think you would benefit from supporting characters playing roles with more impact. The fortune teller seems all well and good but she really just talks. Her relationship with the girl is also not explained.

More snooping is an idea.  If/when I expand this I'll be sure to a bit more detective work.  I also like being ambiguous and not having to explain too much.  The fortune teller was suppose to just another character but felt I should use her more.  I'm thinking I may add a scene for Giles, something disgusting.  Where I used announcement from the past, maybe I could mix the past with the present again.  

Quoted from James McClung Again, nothing you're doing is all that wrong. The visuals are well suited for the genre. I particularly liked Adrian's face on the Death card in the end. But everything's all over the place. Not in a confusing way. You just seem to be lacking a defined direction.

I think I've watch one too many odd films.  David Lynch is a classic example.  Lots of my favourite films usually are all over the place.  I love it.

Well, as long as my first effort into the supernatural genre is okay by most then I'm happy.  It's not something I've tried that often.

Cheers,


Javier

This is only the second story I've read of the series and I thought it was well written. The pacing was good but the little girl in the red dress was a bit of a distraction for me. I assume the man the dead janitor had was her father from the dialogue. I would lose that angle of the story and just write the old janitor in as a mirror reflection of what Adrian is experiencing with his financial problems. I'd like to see more of a back story for the old janitor and use it to foreshadow what will happen to Adrian, but that's just my opinion.
It was an enjoyable read. Looking forward to your next script.

Hey Javier, sorry it's taken me a while to get to this one but I've been busy. Just read it tonight, so here are my thoughts...

I think the general idea is pretty good and in a way isn't too different to mine, if I understand it right. Adrian's trying to make a deal with the devil in order to fix his financial problems? It's a little unclear as the story seems to switch quite a bit throughout.

To start off with you show Adrian with his bills, but then we never see or hear about his debt again. He loses at cards with his workmate but we never see him win. He's paying money for tarot readings yet you show us no reason for him to believe in it and with said money problems how can he afford it?
They're just a few of the issues I think you could clear up. I think that would make the theme of the script a lot clearer and could lead to some more depth to the story.

Your writing was pretty good but there were a few issues I had with it. Quite a few times you tell us instead of show eg;

ADRIAN, 29, who lives in a dingy one bedroom flat with nobody but himself for company.

Also, I didn't like you writing out the screams as 'Aaaahhh'. Don't think it's needed, the description 'SCREAM' is enough.

There's potential with this script though mate, I just think you need to delve a little deeper into the story and take it in some different directions.

Ste

Hello Jerrynoe, thanks for the read, happy you enjoyed my script.

Quoted from screenplay_novice This is only the second story I've read of the series and I thought it was well written.

Cool.

Quoted from screenplay_novice The pacing was good but the little girl in the red dress was a bit of a distraction for me. I assume the man the dead janitor had was her father from the dialogue. I would lose that angle of the story and just write the old janitor in as a mirror reflection of what Adrian is experiencing with his financial problems.

There was no connection between the dead janitor and the girl.

Quoted from screenplay_novice I'd like to see more of a back story for the old janitor and use it to foreshadow what will happen to Adrian, but that's just my opinion. It was an enjoyable read. Looking forward to your next script.

Back story to the old janitor is a good idea I have yet to explore.  Not sure if that would spoil his appearance later on or pose as a teaser later on that he will be making an appearance.

Anyway,

I have crazy comedic stories I usually concentrate on, this supernatural one was my first and maybe my last in that genre.  Not for a long time again.

Cheers,


Javier

Hello Ste, great to have your opinions on board as ever.

Quoted from stebrown I think the general idea is pretty good and in a way isn't too different to mine, if I understand it right.

I look forward to reading it.  I was going to try the poker angle and changed tact during the writing process.

Quoted from stebrown Adrian's trying to make a deal with the devil in order to fix his financial problems?

Not sure where you got this idea from.  Did I leave in some subtle references?

Quoted from stebrown It's a little unclear as the story seems to switch quite a bit throughout.

I do tend not to stick too long in one scene for long.

Quoted from stebrown To start off with you show Adrian with his bills, but then we never see or hear about his debt again. He loses at cards with his workmate but we never see him win. He's paying money for tarot readings yet you show us no reason for him to believe in it and with said money problems how can he afford it? They're just a few of the issues I think you could clear up. I think that would make the theme of the script a lot clearer and could lead to some more depth to the story.

Should I throw in a credit card or an overdraft to add to his woes?  As we're at the end of Adrian's life, he's waist deep in the shit.  I wanted to concentrate on what he was trying to do to get out of debt.

Quoted from stebrown Your writing was pretty good but there were a few issues I had with it. Quite a few times you tell us instead of show eg;

This is true.  A few lines people didn't pick up on, things like seeing an image that makes him react is hard to film unless we use computer imagery.

Quoted from stebrown ADRIAN, 29, who lives in a dingy one bedroom flat with nobody but himself for company.

A classic line that Jeff picked up on.  But I thought it sounded alright on the audio version.  Script version I shouldn't have.

Quoted from stebrown Also, I didn't like you writing out the screams as 'Aaaahhh'. Don't think it's needed, the description 'SCREAM' is enough.

I thought it was okay.

Cheers for the read Ste, much appreciated.


Javier

Hey Javier,

Sorry it took me so long to get to this but I think it was worth the wait.  A good entry in the Soulshadows series for certain.

While I found the beginning of this a good lead in and I found the ending splendidly creepy (including the Tanis part bert), I think the middle of this script was a bit weak - not bad but weak.  

The reason I say this is because he didn't really fight back all that much.  Besides going to to fortune teller again he really didn't do much to try and stop his fate.  He just kind of accepted it and as a result there was very little conflict.   Also the ghosts could have used a bit of a larger part - they needed more of a story.  Why was the old janitor wanting to kill him?

Another thing I would have liked to have seen would have been a connection between him and the girl at the end.  Maybe she was his girlfriend and that is what was foretold to her, maybe she recommended that he go get his cards read.  I'm sure if you think about it you could come up with something clever.

That's about it.  Overall it was quite good, it had a strong beginning and end but the middle needs a bit of tweaking.

Michael

Hello Michael,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from mcornetto A good entry in the Soulshadows series for certain.

Cool

Quoted from mcornetto While I found the beginning of this a good lead in and I found the ending splendidly creepy (including the Tanis part bert), I think the middle of this script was a bit weak - not bad but weak.   The reason I say this is because he didn't really fight back all that much.  Besides going to to fortune teller again he really didn't do much to try and stop his fate.  He just kind of accepted it and as a result there was very little conflict.   Also the ghosts could have used a bit of a larger part - they needed more of a story.  Why was the old janitor wanting to kill him?

I suppose if he could see the path that he was leading that he'd change his ways.  This character got stuck in a rut and never saw it coming.  I don't believe in fate as this leads me to think that my future has been predetermined and that no matter what I do I can't avoid the bad things in my future.

I didn't want to go overboard on the ghost side of things, but if people in general don't mind more depth to the ghosts, I suppose mysterious deaths of previous occupants of the hospital could have been brought up, and is an idea for a future rewrite.

The old janitor is a mystery to everyone.  He seems like a character I should add more to.  A rewrite involving him would add to the history of these ghosts.

Quoted from mcornetto Another thing I would have liked to have seen would have been a connection between him and the girl at the end.  Maybe she was his girlfriend and that is what was foretold to her, maybe she recommended that he go get his cards read.  I'm sure if you think about it you could come up with something clever.

The young girl is another mysterious character I've brought in.  I think if I explain her past I could draw a connection between her and the old janitor.  It sounds like I could double the length of this script with all these ideas.

Two more shorts for me to write and a feature and then if I haven't any ideas I'll give it a rewrite.

Quoted from mcornetto That's about it.  Overall it was quite good, it had a strong beginning and end but the middle needs a bit of tweaking.

Thanks for your input Michael, and as I suspect this to be the last post, thanks to everyone who's read this script of mine.


Javier

I'm reading this without reading the reviews so there's a good chance I might be repeating some stuff.

I like the ending. It's cheasy but I still have a heart for them. lol.

There's a lack of development here. Things come out of no where such as the little girl related with the fortune teller and Giles, maybe start that early off if you do plan to revise this. We do get a glimpse of Giles during those visions but we're not sure that appartion is Giles.

Where does he get the money to gamble if he's broke? Also, I thought you were going to put Adrian's janitor friend as somehow helping death, which would have been cool, but he ends up being a innocent bystander. I mean he wins every game that he has with Adrian, I would think he's cheating or Adrian has some serious bad luck. lol. Maybe explore that a bit.

Hope this helps,
Gabe  

Hello Gabe,

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I like the ending. It's cheasy but I still have a heart for them. lol.

That's cool.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley There's a lack of development here. Things come out of no where such as the little girl related with the fortune teller and Giles, maybe start that early off if you do plan to revise this. We do get a glimpse of Giles during those visions but we're not sure that appartion is Giles.

The connection between the girl and f/teller at the beginning would be a no-no but Giles & the f/teller and/or Giles & the girl I don't see a problem investigating that further.  Although I do like bringing out characters out from no-where.  It's true I did use fleeting glimpses of Giles earlier on so on film his appearance should be ever so slightly recognisable.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Where does he get the money to gamble if he's broke? Also, I thought you were going to put Adrian's janitor friend as somehow helping death, which would have been cool, but he ends up being a innocent bystander. I mean he wins every game that he has with Adrian, I would think he's cheating or Adrian has some serious bad luck. lol. Maybe explore that a bit.

The guard is an innocent bystander and I like it that way.  Need some cannon fodder.  I have given it some thought but something in the past.  Possibly a flashback incorporating Giles, f/teller and the girl, and who knows more extras for cannon fodder.

Anyway, thanks for the much appreciated,


Javier

Hey Javier, this was a pretty good addition to the soulshadows series, this kinda had the tone of those old episodes of the twilight zone.  not much to say that hasn't already been said, i thought it flowed well and kept in theme of the series, lady damor was kind of the generic gypsy type, they seem to always bee the same in every movie, i dunno why that is...lol.  very good entry though.

Hello Jordan,

Thanks for the review, and I'm happy you found this to be a pretty good addition to the series.

I suppose you're right with the gypsy comparison, never really thought of it like that.

Cheers,


Javier

I must say, out of all the time to sit down and read these all I chose the wrong time. It's dark and cold and the last script i read plus this one have left me thoroughly creeped out.

You did a good job on this one. Not much to say other than the footsteps on the water with no one there, that is....yeah. That is why they made night lights. lol

Also, I laughed a little at the last reading at the end. The character of the tarot reader is hilarious to me. Idk why, but only in the last scene. I guess i have a sick sense of humour.

Good Job.

The voice over, at the beginning that was something like: “How am I gonna get this cash” is unnecessary.  Voice over should be used sparingly, IMO.

So far it’s reading as a little clichéd, what with the creepy little girl and the ghost-janitor and the nurse saying “there’s no one here but me”, like a campfire-ghost-story, which could be good or bad, depending on what you're going for.

Finished! Okay, pretty good job.  You’ve got good dialogue, and Jeff and Adrian were believable characters.

My problem was with A) how clichéd all the scary parts were, and B) how the two themes of the story connected, and were resolved.  What do Tarot cards have to do with a creepy murderous janitor?  What’s the creepy murderous janitors story?  These questions, especially the latter, MUST be answered.

Hope that helps,
Tyler