Thanks Alffy,

I'm pleased you enjoyed it, and that you thought the twist worked well.

I'm gonna have a read of some of yours in the morning, is there any in particular you'd like me to have a look at?

Craig

Craig

I dug your "Emergency Service" script and notice you've been doing your share of reading lately so I said I'd give this a look. I haven't read any other comments so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.
Your writing is solid and to the point, very direct and practical which is a good thing. The story built gradually and I was hooked to see where it was going to lead.

What interested you in writing this particular story? Have you ever gone to a medium session like this? I haven't myself and frankly don't have much faith in that sort of thing but its a fascinating side of spiritualism all the same,. It does make you think twice about things and the limits of human perception. I mean for it to be such a widespread thing, practiced in all parts of the world there must be some element of truth to it, I guess.

Obviously one has to question would Mary cheapen her trade like that and agree to Kevin’s wishes but in terms of the story it needs to happen and dwelling on such an issue would lose sight of the script’s message.

The dialogue is probably the strongest facet of this for me. The exchanges were very real between all characters and i think you succeeded in hitting right emotional notes without overstepping the line and descending into melodrama, cliché or just plain cheesiness.

KEVIN
I don’t know how to put this. She
needs help to move on. She’s stuck
in the past, and blind to the fact
that someone is really, really in
love with her...

He pauses for a second, struggling for words.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
...And if she was to give a certain
someone a chance, he’d be able to
make her really happy.

-- Very pedantic of me I know but three uses of the word "really" in such a short space. Its just one of my own rules that I'm conscious not to overly repeat words in such close proximity, maybe replace it with "very" in the second block of dialogue, again this is a small issue, feel free to disregard it.

One of the things I noticed while reading the actual "Spiritual Connections" seminar itself was that we barely see any of Kevin's reactions to what Mary and Danielle are saying to one another. He just sits beside Danielle without saying anything, she doesn't even acknowledge him and there is no connection or recognition between them. This leads me to believe that either Kevin doesn't know her, instead merely admires her secretly from afar, or that he is a ghost or spirit of some sort. This would explain why Danielle "doesn't react" at the end. Maybe it’s only Mary that can see him, a sort of "The Sixth Sense" scenario. Can you clarify or am I just talking sh?t?

I don't want to sound like a know it all but the twist of Kevin actually being Taylor didn't come as much of a surprise, I figured he was the person who loved her, even so it was a nice twist on the name.

A good job overall, lots of subtext and depth to these characters. There feels like a back story here which could warrant a feature, or so this snippet of a story suggested when I finished reading it. Great dialogue and well structured prose make this a decent read which left me anyway, thinking about for a while after the closing lines.
Col.

Hi Col,

Thanks for the glowing review, I'm really glad that people are enjoying it.

Yes, I have been many, many times to our local 'Spiritual Connections', not been for a while, but I used to go twice-weekly. Some weeks it was fantastic, real food for thought, and other times it was absolute nonsense.

SPOILERS...  My idea for the story was that at the beginning, Kevin would appear to be asking Mary to fake a message for Danielle, from her dead boyfriend, so that he might have a chance to 'get the girl'.

The Taylor/Kevin thing was the only way I could tell the story without the reader guessing that, at the end, Kevin was infact the dead boyfriend. That's why he slips in un-noticed, and there is no reaction from Danielle. Indeed, Mary is the only person who can see him.

I have recently took the scenario, and written a dark, twisted comedy out of it. This was a fantastic idea from Libby. It's not finished yet, but it's not far away from being posted methinks.

Again, mate, Really glad you liked it. I owe you a read back.

Craig

Good ending. Good plot. Besides the verb tense problem mentioned by Rendezvous, I did note a missing word in this sentence "And who you know with the bright green sports car, please?" Very few errors overall.

The misdirection with Kevin's character was very effective.  This is what audiences like: A satisfying but unexpected ending."

Kudos.

Gary

I look forward to the dark comic twist on this, Craig. Should be an interesting u-turn on such a moving piece it stands as now.

Gary- Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you found the ending to be effective, the misdirection was hard to get right without giving away too much at the beginning. I owe you a read.

Col- It's only really the theme that remains in the 'comedy' version. I was a bit unsure whether the humour would be a bit too twisted and British, but I've had very favourable comments from people who have read the work in progress. It should be posted pretty soon.

Thanks to you both for taking the time to read my work.

Craig

Quoted from Don Heavenly Intentions by Craig S. Cooper - Short - Kevin is feeding information to a medium, all with the best of intentions. 10 pages - pdf, format

I must admit I did not get the punchline of the story. I think this is where it ultimately fails, because upon first read, I misstook kevin for a dweeb than a dead man. Even at the end I didn't see him as he was until after you had revealed the truth in a commentary to another reader.

In 11 pages it is very difficult to make a convincing twist. I think you were force to be ambigious because you wanted to make this into a short film. However there is a fine line between hiding the evidence and being ambigious.

There is definately an interesting idea being raised in the script but it is without an inciting incident, plot, climax and excution.

I liked the dialogue, and the premise. That is the only reason why I think this script has potential.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy this, most people got 'the twist', but at the end of the day, as you say, it is only a short, and there is enough information for the reader to draw their own conclusions. Whether this is the same outcome as I imagined is indifferent, really, so long as some enjoyment is gained.

Thanks for reading, anyway, and thanks for the feedback.

Have you got any scripts on here? I owe you a read back.

All the best

Craig

Hi Craig

Well. What a nice little ending. I didn't see it coming either! I thought that Mary would turn out to be getting a real message and recommend someone else! How it turned out came as a pleasant little twist!

It was funny, having read "Spiritual Connections", to see a different take and approach to the same characters and setting.

Both scripts are nice and have a lot to recommend them in different ways - this was very sweet really, the other funny. If I had to choose though, I'd go for "Spiritual Connections" (maybe only because I read it first) - as I found the characterisation of Mary to be endearing (she could be a great comic character like Madame Arcarti).

I'll try and catch up with some of your other scripts if I can as I really am enjoying the way you write. Anything you'd recommend?

Hey 'Niles',

Glad you liked the ending, and found it to be a pleasant twist.

It's good to hear that you enjoy the way I write, you can check out 'Emergency Service' if you want a nice, quick read. I'm also quite fond of 'Four', but it's due for a re-edit, following feedback recieved.


Thanks for you feedback, buddy

Craig.

Hey Craig I suppose I need to reread it and see if I missed something. I hope to post a script I had been revising from a fantastic writer, but I am not sure when I will be done. The sooner the better.

I haven't read your other script. I will try to read through it today.

Ok buddy, no worries. I'll keep an eye out.

Craig

Hello Craig,

Not bad, pretty good.  I liked it overall and the ending was good.  

I think I will enjoy the comedy version you're currently doing but this one was fine.

Not sure what else to add.

All the best,


Javier

Hi Javier,

Really glad you enjoyed it.

The comedy version is here on SS, click on 'spiritual connections' in my signature if you want to give it a bash!

Thanks for the read

Craig

Hey Craig,

I liked this one a lot and was expecting a different kind of twist at the end. The ending is the only part I stumbled over and had to read that part a couple of times. I think this was because of the names and it took those few reads to get the refernece to Kvin Taylor, and that this was the same person - Kevin (least I hope I got it)

Really nice story, and Mary was a good character too.

Best,

H