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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Heavenly Intentions Moderators: bert
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  Author    Heavenly Intentions  (currently 3690 views)
AngelofDeath
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work.  I like the economy of words.  Fun dialogue.  Very well done.
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ricketybridge
Posted: July 2nd, 2010, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Holy crap, LOVED the twist at the end.  Totally didn't see it coming and was quite moved by it.

I would really pare it down as much as possible.  As soon as we get something, move on, and you could punch up the dialogue a bit too  (i.e. cut the "hi, how are ya" sort of stuff).  Also, the psychic saying his full name in the end is pretty awkward.  To solve that problem, I would just call him "MAN" or "TALL GUY", whatever.  It might make the twist a bit more obvious, but we won't hear his name when it's filmed at least.

Sorry if people have already said this; just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.


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Coding Herman
Posted: July 2nd, 2010, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Craig, that was indeed very lovely, and I liked the twist at the end.

This is written well, but the part where Sam and Iona address everybody and shake hands with the newcomers can be cut down to push the pace up. That part kinda stalled until Mary comes out.

Danielle's dialgoue/reaction about the speed ticket sounds unnatural to me. She would be shocked, rather than uttering a complete sentence about how she got the speed ticket.

I was wondering why Danielle didn't say hello or anything to Kevin when he was sitting right beside her. And this is a really obvious hint to the twist. Maybe too obvious, so it's better to have Kevin sitting behind her.

I don't know, I think the conversation between Mary and Danielle should happen in a private room than in a big assembly area where everyone is listening.....but then the twist won't work. Danielle is giving out a lot of personal stuffs, and I don't see her spilling her guts with a room full of strangers.

I think the twist kinda works. I mean, the audience won't be able to know the guy's name is Kevin (or Taylor). But to the reader, it's a cheat since you mentioned the same person with two different names (first and last name). On the screen it'll work.

I enjoyed this piece. Very good job, Craig.

Herman


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