Heavenly Intentions by Craig S. Cooper - Short - Kevin is feeding information to a medium, all with the best of intentions. 10 pages - pdf, format

The ending is lost on me.

Quoted from cloroxmartini The ending is lost on me.

Not exactly a review I'd like to read as the writer.  Completely vague and adds no value to the writer.  There is no response that can be met.

I'll be giving this a read later in the week, but for now I'm addicted to Dragons' Den.

Craig,

I see this is a much improved draft on the previous one I read.

Quoted from HI She is startled as KEVIN

You slipped outta the present tense there.

Quoted from HI A hundred or so people are seated in rows

And there. And at that bit about ambient music.

Quoted from HI I just need to tell the new people that we have a Healing Book at the front here.

I liked that line.

Quoted from HI SAM And, it really does work, so feel free, as Iona said, at the end of the session.

And that one.

Quoted from HI MARY Yes or no dear, yes or no! Some of the crowd stifle laughs.

That was good too. The B-Movie thing was good too.

I think it's all there to get Clorox. It was for me anyway.

I liked it Craig. I don't think it's your best but it's still good.

Keep it going.

Hi Re,

I sent a rough draft to Libby, as you suggested.

She had some great ideas for this when she read the first draft-she said to try and approach it from the comedy angle.

I'm working on a complete re-hash as we speak, and so far it's taking a very twisted comedy route (more League of gentlemen than Vicar of Dibley!).


Craig

League of Gentlemen. Mmm, verrry interesting. Still can't help picturing Dawn French in the "Medium" role.

Hey Craig, I'm really looking forward to the new draft. Let me know when it's up.

Hi Libby,

Glad you're looking forward to it. I'll PM you when I'm anywhere near happy with it.

Thanks for the wonderful idea.

Craig

Wow, I quite liked it, it's one of my favorites of yours so far.  I think the ending worked perfectly, I didn't see it coming at all.  

The couple things I might work on: I'm not sure if you mentioned kevin was sitting right next to her, if you did I skimmed over it.  Maybe a little more description of the setting.
Also some of the dialogue is a little thick, you might try to cut it back some.

I agree with rendevous that most of the best lines are when the medium is kind of playing to the crowd and getting their reactions.  This keeps us in the whole scene, instead of just being a dialogue between the two.  

Very nice job though, good luck with the revisions.

Thanks Ophelia.

It does mention that Kevin sits in the empty seat next to Danielle, when all the other latecomers arrive. It probably does need a little more emphasis though, you're right there.

Thanks for the positive comments, it makes it all worthwhile.


Craig.

I had a hunch about the ending - but I still really enjoyed reading it.

There were a few minor issues:

Quoted Text Iona stands, and heads towards one side of the audience, as Sam heads to the other. They shake hands with all the newcomers.

I didn't see the point of this - you'd end up with about a minute of screentime where people just shake hands.

Quoted Text And who you know with the bright green sports car, please?

Needs a "do".

I'm fairly sure there was also a "your" where you meant "you're" in there somewhere - but I can't find it now, so I might be mistaken.

Mary insisting on just a "yes" or "no" answer struck me as unlikely. Call me cynical, but most mediums do a lot of their work by drawing information out of their target. Or at least the one's I've seen (in documentaries) do.

Thanks James,

I'm happy you enjoyed reading it.

'Mary' is based on a medium that I have seen on regular occasions at the weekly spiritualist night at the welfare centre in my home town. You're right that a majority of clairvoyants draw information from their targets (known as cold reading), but this one (I forget her name) insists on 'yes' and 'no' answers, and gets a little shirty if you give her too many details!

The hand-shaking 'farce' happens weekly too, it is supposed to put newbies at ease I think, but in reality, makes them quite uncomfortable!

Thanks for the comments

Craig

Bloody hell. Writer in research shocker! Author gets off ample arse cheeks and visits source of story!

Whatever next?

I stand corrected. You obviously have a higher class of mediums where you are.  

I still think you might want to reconsider the handshaking though. Even if it's what actually happens, it just strikes me as something that would look a bit odd (and slow) on screen.

Hi James,

You get the odd one or two that are pretty convincing.

I know what you mean about slowing it down with all the greeting, I'll have a think about that.


Cheers

Hey Craig

Got to say I really enjoyed this, it was well written and I don't recall any errors.  I'll hold my hands up and say I thought the ending was going to go the way of Kevin misleading Mary into convincing Danielle of the love between them, but, your ending was much better and I honestly never saw it coming.  There was some real emotion in here and the twist worked well.  Nice work mate.

Thanks Alffy,

I'm pleased you enjoyed it, and that you thought the twist worked well.

I'm gonna have a read of some of yours in the morning, is there any in particular you'd like me to have a look at?

Craig

Craig

I dug your "Emergency Service" script and notice you've been doing your share of reading lately so I said I'd give this a look. I haven't read any other comments so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.
Your writing is solid and to the point, very direct and practical which is a good thing. The story built gradually and I was hooked to see where it was going to lead.

What interested you in writing this particular story? Have you ever gone to a medium session like this? I haven't myself and frankly don't have much faith in that sort of thing but its a fascinating side of spiritualism all the same,. It does make you think twice about things and the limits of human perception. I mean for it to be such a widespread thing, practiced in all parts of the world there must be some element of truth to it, I guess.

Obviously one has to question would Mary cheapen her trade like that and agree to Kevin’s wishes but in terms of the story it needs to happen and dwelling on such an issue would lose sight of the script’s message.

The dialogue is probably the strongest facet of this for me. The exchanges were very real between all characters and i think you succeeded in hitting right emotional notes without overstepping the line and descending into melodrama, cliché or just plain cheesiness.

KEVIN
I don’t know how to put this. She
needs help to move on. She’s stuck
in the past, and blind to the fact
that someone is really, really in
love with her...

He pauses for a second, struggling for words.

KEVIN (CONT’D)
...And if she was to give a certain
someone a chance, he’d be able to
make her really happy.

-- Very pedantic of me I know but three uses of the word "really" in such a short space. Its just one of my own rules that I'm conscious not to overly repeat words in such close proximity, maybe replace it with "very" in the second block of dialogue, again this is a small issue, feel free to disregard it.

One of the things I noticed while reading the actual "Spiritual Connections" seminar itself was that we barely see any of Kevin's reactions to what Mary and Danielle are saying to one another. He just sits beside Danielle without saying anything, she doesn't even acknowledge him and there is no connection or recognition between them. This leads me to believe that either Kevin doesn't know her, instead merely admires her secretly from afar, or that he is a ghost or spirit of some sort. This would explain why Danielle "doesn't react" at the end. Maybe it’s only Mary that can see him, a sort of "The Sixth Sense" scenario. Can you clarify or am I just talking sh?t?

I don't want to sound like a know it all but the twist of Kevin actually being Taylor didn't come as much of a surprise, I figured he was the person who loved her, even so it was a nice twist on the name.

A good job overall, lots of subtext and depth to these characters. There feels like a back story here which could warrant a feature, or so this snippet of a story suggested when I finished reading it. Great dialogue and well structured prose make this a decent read which left me anyway, thinking about for a while after the closing lines.
Col.

Hi Col,

Thanks for the glowing review, I'm really glad that people are enjoying it.

Yes, I have been many, many times to our local 'Spiritual Connections', not been for a while, but I used to go twice-weekly. Some weeks it was fantastic, real food for thought, and other times it was absolute nonsense.

SPOILERS...  My idea for the story was that at the beginning, Kevin would appear to be asking Mary to fake a message for Danielle, from her dead boyfriend, so that he might have a chance to 'get the girl'.

The Taylor/Kevin thing was the only way I could tell the story without the reader guessing that, at the end, Kevin was infact the dead boyfriend. That's why he slips in un-noticed, and there is no reaction from Danielle. Indeed, Mary is the only person who can see him.

I have recently took the scenario, and written a dark, twisted comedy out of it. This was a fantastic idea from Libby. It's not finished yet, but it's not far away from being posted methinks.

Again, mate, Really glad you liked it. I owe you a read back.

Craig

Good ending. Good plot. Besides the verb tense problem mentioned by Rendezvous, I did note a missing word in this sentence "And who you know with the bright green sports car, please?" Very few errors overall.

The misdirection with Kevin's character was very effective.  This is what audiences like: A satisfying but unexpected ending."

Kudos.

Gary

I look forward to the dark comic twist on this, Craig. Should be an interesting u-turn on such a moving piece it stands as now.

Gary- Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you found the ending to be effective, the misdirection was hard to get right without giving away too much at the beginning. I owe you a read.

Col- It's only really the theme that remains in the 'comedy' version. I was a bit unsure whether the humour would be a bit too twisted and British, but I've had very favourable comments from people who have read the work in progress. It should be posted pretty soon.

Thanks to you both for taking the time to read my work.

Craig

Quoted from Don Heavenly Intentions by Craig S. Cooper - Short - Kevin is feeding information to a medium, all with the best of intentions. 10 pages - pdf, format

I must admit I did not get the punchline of the story. I think this is where it ultimately fails, because upon first read, I misstook kevin for a dweeb than a dead man. Even at the end I didn't see him as he was until after you had revealed the truth in a commentary to another reader.

In 11 pages it is very difficult to make a convincing twist. I think you were force to be ambigious because you wanted to make this into a short film. However there is a fine line between hiding the evidence and being ambigious.

There is definately an interesting idea being raised in the script but it is without an inciting incident, plot, climax and excution.

I liked the dialogue, and the premise. That is the only reason why I think this script has potential.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy this, most people got 'the twist', but at the end of the day, as you say, it is only a short, and there is enough information for the reader to draw their own conclusions. Whether this is the same outcome as I imagined is indifferent, really, so long as some enjoyment is gained.

Thanks for reading, anyway, and thanks for the feedback.

Have you got any scripts on here? I owe you a read back.

All the best

Craig

Hi Craig

Well. What a nice little ending. I didn't see it coming either! I thought that Mary would turn out to be getting a real message and recommend someone else! How it turned out came as a pleasant little twist!

It was funny, having read "Spiritual Connections", to see a different take and approach to the same characters and setting.

Both scripts are nice and have a lot to recommend them in different ways - this was very sweet really, the other funny. If I had to choose though, I'd go for "Spiritual Connections" (maybe only because I read it first) - as I found the characterisation of Mary to be endearing (she could be a great comic character like Madame Arcarti).

I'll try and catch up with some of your other scripts if I can as I really am enjoying the way you write. Anything you'd recommend?

Hey 'Niles',

Glad you liked the ending, and found it to be a pleasant twist.

It's good to hear that you enjoy the way I write, you can check out 'Emergency Service' if you want a nice, quick read. I'm also quite fond of 'Four', but it's due for a re-edit, following feedback recieved.


Thanks for you feedback, buddy

Craig.

Hey Craig I suppose I need to reread it and see if I missed something. I hope to post a script I had been revising from a fantastic writer, but I am not sure when I will be done. The sooner the better.

I haven't read your other script. I will try to read through it today.

Ok buddy, no worries. I'll keep an eye out.

Craig

Hello Craig,

Not bad, pretty good.  I liked it overall and the ending was good.  

I think I will enjoy the comedy version you're currently doing but this one was fine.

Not sure what else to add.

All the best,


Javier

Hi Javier,

Really glad you enjoyed it.

The comedy version is here on SS, click on 'spiritual connections' in my signature if you want to give it a bash!

Thanks for the read

Craig

Hey Craig,

I liked this one a lot and was expecting a different kind of twist at the end. The ending is the only part I stumbled over and had to read that part a couple of times. I think this was because of the names and it took those few reads to get the refernece to Kvin Taylor, and that this was the same person - Kevin (least I hope I got it)

Really nice story, and Mary was a good character too.

Best,

H

Hi Harriet,

It's good to hear that you liked this a lot, and also that you enjoyed the twist (Yes, you got it!).

Thanks for the read, and thanks for the compliments.

All the best

Craig

Well, I got the twist first time, and I've got to tell you, it gave me shivers up my spine. Very few movie/script twists can get this reaction from me but this did. I thought it was a fabulous ending to a well crafted story. Were all the latecomers 'dead'?

I will back you up about the yes or no answers part. Throughout the last year, I've taken a strong interest in mediums and while some of them do try to draw the information out of you, a few do actually insist on yes or no answers and are well worth the money.

As far as constructive feedback goes, I don't think I can offer any. This works great for what it is and it's even more impressive that you managed it in 10 pages.

I'm eager to read what you came up with for the series of this. Good job.  

Hi Craig,

I just came across this one and wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed it.  I didn't see the ending coming.  Also, I thought the dialouge was great.  I always enjoy the English vibe.

I did wonder about the following:

DANIELLE
Yes, I do. His brother was in the
accident with him.
MARY
Yes or no dear, yes or no!

Some of the crowd stifle laughs.

I only wonder if people would laugh at this.  Even if it is stifled.

Anyway, I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more.

Craig

Quoted from Brian M Well, I got the twist first time, and I've got to tell you, it gave me shivers up my spine. Very few movie/script twists can get this reaction from me but this did. I thought it was a fabulous ending to a well crafted story. Were all the latecomers 'dead'?

Thats a great reaction Brian, glad you got so much from it. Yes, you understood the twist perfectly, they were all 'late' if you'll excuse the pun!

I hope you enjoy the series as much,

Thanks for the feedback,

Craig

Hi Craig,

Again, I'm really happy you enjoyed this short and that you dug the twist.

Thanks for the comment about the dialogue being great- that's good to hear.

As I've said in previous posts, this is loosely based on a spiritualist evening I used to go to quite often. One of the mediums (and also the best) hated it if anyone gave her too much information, demanding only 'yes' or 'no' responses (thus rendering the 'cold reading' tactic void). She used to get a bit stroppy if people replied with too much detail, and I don't know if it is because of the surroundings but it did used to raise a few stifled chuckles. I think it's because you know you shouldn't laugh- you know it's wrong, but you just can't help it...

Anyway Craig, thanks for your feedback- I'm chuffed that you liked it so much.

Cheers,

Craig

In heaven, everythings is fine.

In heaven, everything is fine

You've got your good thing and I got mine.

Sorry, as soon as I saw your avatar I couldn't contain myself.

As for the script itself, I was intrigued by the idea of Kevin seeing a clairvoent backstage and feeding her information about someone in the audience. An enjoyable if some what cynical idea.

The twist or punchline you had at the end totally tossed me head first out of my chair. I just didn't get it. Why would Kevin be talking about himself to Mary- Hey hang on a minute! I just glanced over this again. This isn't some Bruce Willis/Sixth Sense type of twiist you got going here is it? If it isn't then I got no idea what the point of your script is.  
  

Hi Tonkatough,

You're a fan of Eraserhead I see. Nice one. The lady in the radiator gave me nightmares for weeks when I was a teenager...

Quoted from tonkatough The twist or punchline you had at the end totally tossed me head first out of my chair. I just didn't get it. Why would Kevin be talking about himself to Mary- Hey hang on a minute! I just glanced over this again. This isn't some Bruce Willis/Sixth Sense type of twiist you got going here is it? If it isn't then I got no idea what the point of your script is.

Yes, that's pretty much it- I tried to make it so it came across as if Kevin was giving information to the medium for dubious reasons. I wanted the reader to think that his intention was to 'get the girl' who was too wrapped up in her previous (late) partner to even notice him. It ended up being a rather more innocent and sweet intention though- Kevin was her 'late' boyfriend, and the message to her was actually to tell her to move on because he was upset at the fact that she dwelled on the past, missing good opportunities.

Thanks for the read, I'm sorry you didn't get anything from it.

All the best

Craig

Craig,

I was gonna do a more indepth reveiw but the little things that stood out have been touched on already.  And, I do mean little.

Really liked this one.  Fun read.  Very 'Sixth Sense'.  I know I've only read two of your scripts -- but I feel comfortable saying, I dig your style.  Nice and lean.  Good dialogue.  Over-all -- you're a good writer.  Keep perfecting your style, I think it’ll separate you from the pack.

Hello again, Brian.

Quoted from CrazyArtist Really liked this one.  Fun read.  Very 'Sixth Sense'.  I know I've only read two of your scripts -- but I feel comfortable saying, I dig your style.  Nice and lean.  Good dialogue.  Over-all -- you're a good writer.  Keep perfecting your style, I think it’ll separate you from the pack.

Wow, cheers for that Brian. Glad you like my work! I'm very fond of this one, and really appreciate the feedback.

Thanks a load,

Craig

Hey Craig, nice script.

I never caught onto the fact that Kevin was a spirit. Guess i shouldve got that from Danielles reaction.

I did get the Kevin/Taylor connection, and I kinda guessed that early on.

Nice script. It took on a whole new dimension once I figured out that Kevin was a spirit.

Maybe you'd like to make it easier for the reader to "get". When i first finished reading I thought that it was just a nice love story. Like I said id make the ghost aspect more obvious, as it changes everything.

Youre dialogue was well written and believable.

Good stuff

John

Hey John,


Thanks for the read and the comments.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and that you got the twist.

From looking at the feedback, it seems that the majority of people did actually get the ending with a only a few struggling to understand.

As you pointed out, all the clues are there in the script. I wanted to tie up the ending without going into the realms of tackiness- ie Kevin being transparent etc.


Thanks for the kind words,


Craig

Craig,

I really dug this script a lot.  It had an interesting hook and didn't overstay its welcome.  

I'll admit, at first, I had no clue what to make of the ending.  But then I looked at it again and everything became much clearer.  It seems I'm not alone on this either, so maybe there's something more you should write in the final page.  I mean, when it's made, it'll be quite apparent visually, but for now, I think you need more.  Really spell it out.

Aside from that, it's great.  Such a clever idea.  Good work!

Hi Dressel,

Quoted from dressel I really dug this script a lot.  It had an interesting hook and didn't overstay its welcome.

That's great to hear, I'm really happy you thought this way.

Quoted from dressel I'll admit, at first, I had no clue what to make of the ending.  But then I looked at it again and everything became much clearer.  It seems I'm not alone on this either, so maybe there's something more you should write in the final page.  I mean, when it's made, it'll be quite apparent visually, but for now, I think you need more.  Really spell it out.

Hmm. I see what you mean. I've looked back over the feedback and it seems pretty much 50/50 over the ending. As I've said in previous posts, all the info is there in the script, and I wanted to shy away from making it too 'this is exactly what happens'. Thinking about it though, a simple change to Mary's last line to something like 'She knows you love her. You're a good man, Kevin Taylor. May you rest in peace' or along those lines may make it a little clearer to the reader.

Quoted from dressel Aside from that, it's great.  Such a clever idea.  Good work!

Thank you again. I really appreciate the read and feedback. Glad you liked it so much!

All the best,

Craig

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone Thinking about it though, a simple change to Mary's last line to something like 'She knows you love her. You're a good man, Kevin Taylor. May you rest in peace' or along those lines may make it a little clearer to the reader.

Now, I think that would be a little too on the nose.  Like I said, I think if/when it's made, it'll be very apparent.  However, as it's written, in regards to the description, I don't think it's fully coming across.  But I think if you write it too much into the dialogue like that, you could be going into eye-rolling territory.  See what I mean?

Yeah I do see what you mean.

I can't really imagine how to add more to it without being too obvious. It would be kinda cliched to have Kevin transparent or disappear or something like that.

In the original draft, Kevin wasn't holding the bunch of flowers for the girl. I added it in later as I thought it would point the reader in the right direction.

I'm gonna have to see if I can think of a more subtle way to put it across.

Cheers buddy, you've set my mind ticking into overdrive!

Craig

Nice work.  I like the economy of words.  Fun dialogue.  Very well done.

Holy crap, LOVED the twist at the end.  Totally didn't see it coming and was quite moved by it.

I would really pare it down as much as possible.  As soon as we get something, move on, and you could punch up the dialogue a bit too  (i.e. cut the "hi, how are ya" sort of stuff).  Also, the psychic saying his full name in the end is pretty awkward.  To solve that problem, I would just call him "MAN" or "TALL GUY", whatever.  It might make the twist a bit more obvious, but we won't hear his name when it's filmed at least.

Sorry if people have already said this; just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.

Hi Craig, that was indeed very lovely, and I liked the twist at the end.

This is written well, but the part where Sam and Iona address everybody and shake hands with the newcomers can be cut down to push the pace up. That part kinda stalled until Mary comes out.

Danielle's dialgoue/reaction about the speed ticket sounds unnatural to me. She would be shocked, rather than uttering a complete sentence about how she got the speed ticket.

I was wondering why Danielle didn't say hello or anything to Kevin when he was sitting right beside her. And this is a really obvious hint to the twist. Maybe too obvious, so it's better to have Kevin sitting behind her.

I don't know, I think the conversation between Mary and Danielle should happen in a private room than in a big assembly area where everyone is listening.....but then the twist won't work. Danielle is giving out a lot of personal stuffs, and I don't see her spilling her guts with a room full of strangers.

I think the twist kinda works. I mean, the audience won't be able to know the guy's name is Kevin (or Taylor). But to the reader, it's a cheat since you mentioned the same person with two different names (first and last name). On the screen it'll work.

I enjoyed this piece. Very good job, Craig.

Herman