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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  12 Seconds Moderators: bert
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from jackx
The one issue I had was the name on the medication.  I get that this is supposed to have some kind of impact, but since davids name is never referred to in dialogue then the audience will just assume david is jason.


That is something I forgot to fix, isn't it? Lol. I had about 8 pages worth of scenes that I cut out from it (including, yes, a few more V.O.'s) and in a few of them, David's name was mentioned. It just occurred to me now on another re-read that his name isn't mentioned again.

Good catch, Jack.

-Thanks.


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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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ooh. Impressive.

Very impressive, in fact.

The eternal loop between the moment of physical and brain death, trapping a man in a hell he can never escape from - a mix of what is true and what might be true (which is which we cannot be sure of as viewers, which is very good), a nightmare that never ends.

It reminded me in part of the great short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge", which exists entirely between the drop and the snapping of a hanged man's neck.

I thought this was a step up on your last short I read here ("35"), and suggests you have a very individual vision, which is never a bad thing for a writer. I'd be interested to see how you tie it to  a feature and hope the one you have previously alluded to will be posted here shortly.

You are not wrong, who deem  
That my days have been a dream;  
Yet if hope has flown away  
In a night, or in a day,  
In a vision, or in none,  
Is it therefore the less gone?  
All that we see or seem  
Is but a dream within a dream.  
  
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Niles_Crane
ooh. Impressive.

Very impressive, in fact.

The eternal loop between the moment of physical and brain death, trapping a man in a hell he can never escape from - a mix of what is true and what might be true (which is which we cannot be sure of as viewers, which is very good), a nightmare that never ends.

It reminded me in part of the great short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge", which exists entirely between the drop and the snapping of a hanged man's neck.

I thought this was a step up on your last short I read here ("35"), and suggests you have a very individual vision, which is never a bad thing for a writer. I'd be interested to see how you tie it to  a feature and hope the one you have previously alluded to will be posted here shortly.

You are not wrong, who deem  
That my days have been a dream;  
Yet if hope has flown away  
In a night, or in a day,  
In a vision, or in none,  
Is it therefore the less gone?  
All that we see or seem  
Is but a dream within a dream.  
  


Thank you for the kind words and the read.

Well, since Saturday, when I started posting stuff, I finished this one (12 Seconds). Then, I moved between things and finished 24/7 which is very different from either 12 Seconds or 35. I don't plan on extending this into a feature and 35 is kind of down on my list of current works.

So, once I get a copyright on it, 24/7 will be up here. Then, after that... ?

P.S. That's a good poem. Very... not usual which is usually good.


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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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It should be...it's Edgar Allen Poe!
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Niles_Crane
It should be...it's Edgar Allen Poe!


And, that'd be why.

For awesomeness, see the Masters of Horror episode "The Black Cat". Great writing and performance by Jeffrey Combs.



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Mr. Blonde  -  September 26th, 2009, 7:06pm
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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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I once adapted "The Tell Tale Heart" as a script and got quite into Poe.

This poem, written when he was a teenager, is quoted at the start of John Carpenter's "The Fog"
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Niles_Crane
I once adapted "The Tell Tale Heart" as a script and got quite into Poe.

This poem, written when he was a teenager, is quoted at the start of John Carpenter's "The Fog"


You still have that script somewhere? And, is it a modern adpatation or an original style?

Figures. One of my least favorite Carpenter movies...


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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Sadly not - it was written about 20 years ago, and in 2000, while moving house, I lost a huge amount of my writing, going back years, including almost all my shorts (I am talking dozens of the things), and a couple of features.

It was set in the period, not modernised. I may have another go at it one of these days!
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Niles_Crane
Sadly not - it was written about 20 years ago, and in 2000, while moving house, I lost a huge amount of my writing, going back years, including almost all my shorts (I am talking dozens of the things), and a couple of features.

It was set in the period, not modernised. I may have another go at it one of these days!


I think you should. I gotta admit though, I'd like to see how something from Poe's twisted, low alcohol tolerance-having brain would work in modern day. I think it would be pretty fucking creepy. Lol.


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harrietb
Posted: September 28th, 2009, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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I liked a good deal about this and think it could be a great visual piece and I was interested to read what happens in the last 12 seconds between life and death. However,  I don't think we get to see this in the end (unless I misunderstood it?). What there is, is interesting but the way I read it, it is the dream, or his twisted version of reality, we get ti see.
The second half was kind of a repitition, since the dream had covered it, and I knew what was coming. Although he seems deranged, David does seem to have final moments of clarity and is aware of what his family needs - the son needs attention, the daughter love, etc, so I had hoped along with this insight, for redemption but he goes ahead and shoots them all anyway.
There was no real motivation I could see for his actions, nothing that woudld have driven him over the edge (or iwas he supposed to simply have gone nuts? Why?)
At the same time he acts methodically, so didn't really feel any emotion here for him at all.
Well written, but not a pleasant read or subject matter.

Best,

H


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 28th, 2009, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from harrietb
I liked a good deal about this and think it could be a great visual piece and I was interested to read what happens in the last 12 seconds between life and death. However,  I don't think we get to see this in the end (unless I misunderstood it?). What there is, is interesting but the way I read it, it is the dream, or his twisted version of reality, we get ti see.


Thank you for the read.

The best way to answer your question would be that him walking around, experiencing his life either negatively or positively, was the 12 seconds. It was the life he created in his mind, just before he died.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much, Don.

I was told by people that parts of this needed to be re-done. This version, once again, won't appease everyone, but I hope that things people didn't like before were fixed.

I hope you enjoy it. =)

-Sean

EDIT: For some reason, the script came out a little different here than I put up. Character/dialogue are split up. Actions are split. I have to fix that and put it back up. That's just in case anyone else mentions that, I'm sorry.



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Mr. Blonde  -  January 10th, 2010, 6:39pm
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DV44
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Hey Sean,

I told myself that I wanted to rehash some of the older scripts since I wasn't a member at the time and I'm glad I did. I loved the story of David interjecting between life and death. A little bit of the Butterfly Effect with a Memento feel to it as well.

Very cool story, nicely done!

- Dirk
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: December 4th, 2012, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DV44
Hey Sean,

I told myself that I wanted to rehash some of the older scripts since I wasn't a member at the time and I'm glad I did. I loved the story of David interjecting between life and death. A little bit of the Butterfly Effect with a Memento feel to it as well.

Very cool story, nicely done!

- Dirk


Dirk,

You've gone and done it now... You just opened up Pandora's Box and are going to(potentially) cause me a lot of grief. But, first, the review.

I want to thank you for reading and reviewing this golden oldie and not one of my much worse ones. I'm also glad that you liked it and I had not seen that comparison yet. I do believe the only one that was made (by our very own Andrew A.) was Vanilla Sky. Good movies all around. But, I like that you liked it.

As for Pandora's Box, this script continuously kept getting me offers from directors (currently 0 for 54 because I haven't updated my signature in a couple weeks. 38 for 12 Seconds) who wanted to make it. For years, this was happening, but it slowed down little by little as the script fell down the pages. Now that you revived it, I'm worried that the offers are going to come flooding back again. Maybe not, though. Fingers crossed.

P.S. Could you tell which reality was real, if any of them? No one has yet, after reading the first time (at least that they've told me).

-Sean


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DV44
Posted: December 4th, 2012, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

Sorry that I caused you some potential grief by reviewing the script but I had to read this. Who knows, maybe I brought you some good luck! lol.

The story itself was great. Was it a good life or a bad one? That's the question. In some weird way I seem to think both. I had a feeling that James Houston was married to Heather and lead a great life but was cheating on her as David with Michelle. And Vincent was a drug dealer/pimp. I'm probably way off with that theory but that's my guess. James/David lead two lives and saw them both while he was dying.

Either way, I enjoyed this. Loved the twists and turns throughout. Best of luck Sean and if your other scripts are as good as this one I'll be reading those soon as well. - Dirk
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