12 Seconds by Sean Chipman (Mr. Blonde) - Short, Psych. Thriller/Drama - Before a person dies, their life flashes in front of their eyes. But, what happens in the twelve seconds between when their body dies and when their brain dies? - pdf, format

Nicely written. I don't like the subject matter. Yeah, I read about this in the paper, see it on the news. It does happen, unfortunately, very unfortunately. So when you got to that part, I mentally said, screw this.

Thank you for the post, Clorox.

Have you written anything on here, so I could reciprocate with you? =)

Hey I wanted to chime in on your script.

First, the opening line VOICE (V.O) who is it? Usually a voice has been introduced so you have an idea of who is saying it throughout the script.

Second, your formatting is wrong. Everything is lining up to the left.

Also, there doesn’t seem to be very much dialog. Try on your rewrite to balance the action with the dialog.

The story seems to have great potential, it just needs to be polished up a bit.
Another thing, your slug lines need work. The standard to a slug line goes something like…
INT. HALLWAY –DAY

You want to tell us more about the people in the script as well.  Not just age. Try using lines like VINCENT (36) well built with a confident professional air.

Also, drop the (BEAT). They are discouraged in spec scripts. Instead trying inserting some action during that pause.

I hope some of this helps.
Shawn…..><

Cool. More helpful tips. Couple quibbles I have of my own.

A. The setup was correct. Trouble is, I had to transfer it from FD to Word and try to reset it there, so it lost the structure it had before.

B. The voice was the main character but the point of it is that in the end, it doesn't matter who it is speaking.

C. Yeah, it's a very limited dialogue story. I don't want to throw dialogue in "just 'cause" because it's easily the weakest aspect of my writing.

D. I'm pretty sure I did that with my slugline. I didn't do it on every slugline because I've read in several sources that as long as it takes place in the same area and same timeframe, not to re-add the slugline for the same area, every time.

E. This script was mostly a test for me to actually finish something, so I didn't bother with visual-based things because I don't need it filmed. I needed to prove to myself that I could finish something which I did. Getting helpful critiques from others on here is just a bonus, to me. =)

F. The (Beat) goes along with column C. It was there because it's a more action-based script than dialogue.

It was all very helpful, Shawn.

-Thanks.

Sean,

I was going to comment on the layout, but you've already alluded to it. The way this is presented, however, makes it a more difficult read than it needs to be. Also, the slugs require more clarity. It would seem that you are retaining an aura of mystique with your plot as it unfolds, and this would explain the scarcity of clear direction with the slugs, but that isn't the best way forward, IMO. This script should be your blueprint for filming, and it just feels a little convoluted. I know your main challenge here was to push something towards completion, however.

That said, your story was interesting. There felt a huge dose of 'Vanilla Sky' and 'Butterfly Effect' in here. Particularly the former, is that why our protagonist is called David? Probably not, but that's what I got in my head. The most touching of the scenes was between David and his daughter. The more volatile relationship was with his son. It almost felt like the more tender David was attempting to reconcile something innately wrong in his dealings with women via his daughter. Psychologists often allude to a correlation for mass murderers to have grown up with 'mother issues', and I wonder what your thinking was here.

Is David trying to fulfil the stereotype that the role of a man is to provide, and protect - his vision of Michelle self-harming and the subsequent guilt suggests he had failed, to his mind. Thus, he had further basis for temporary derangement - he failed as a man and all that encompasses the role. Reminds me of this story.

The underlying message was, however, a little vague. You didn't really tease out a cohesive social commentary, and yet the material is fertile ground for this. The idea of killing a family member can be dramatised a la 'The Amityville Horror' and used as a launchpad for something horrifying, which is fine. Your script felt like it had a message, but it was difficult to conclude what it was. Would be interested to hear what your intentions are here.

Andrew

Hi, I highly urge you to re-upload the script with the correct format because I was confused as to what is action and what is dialogue.

First and foremost, the story again is on the thin side. This is a 12-page script, which translates to a 12-minute short film. I think the audience would want more things to happen and more story in those 12 minutes. Because the way it is now, you only have David wondering in this home doing pretty much nothing (until the end). You can definitely take this down to 9 or 10 pages.

But I think the story has potential, it's just the execution needs a bit work. I would trim down a lot of the V.O. because they dissipate the action afterward. For example, isn't it more effective if you just showed that Heather is having sex with another man than just saying she's a whore beforehand?

On the other hand, I would replace the V.O. with actual dialogue between David and Heather. They only speak like once at the end. If they interact with each other in the beginning, I would care about them more.

I don't understand when you say it doesn't matter who is doing the V.O. when it is obviously David. You need someone to say it, maybe even a NARRATOR, but not just a VOICE.

I like how you kinda bookend the script with a scene that happens earlier. It gives us a feeling of connection, how everything ties together.

Quoted from Andrew That said, your story was interesting. There felt a huge dose of 'Vanilla Sky' and 'Butterfly Effect' in here. Particularly the former, is that why our protagonist is called David? Probably not, but that's what I got in my head. The most touching of the scenes was between David and his daughter. The more volatile relationship was with his son. It almost felt like the more tender David was attempting to reconcile something innately wrong in his dealings with women via his daughter. Psychologists often allude to a correlation for mass murderers to have grown up with 'mother issues', and I wonder what your thinking was here.

Actually, that is very interesting and it hadn't occured to me until just now that it is David in both this and Vanilla Sky. But, no, that's not the reason. As I upload more and more stories, you'll see that the main character has that name every time. It's actually the name I prefer to go by instead of my birth name. David Vincent Carlisle. If the main character in a story has a brother, they'll be named David and Vincent Carlisle.

I was thinking something along those lines, but not quite reconciling with his daughter to make up for his mistakes with women.

Quoted from Andrew Is David trying to fulfil the stereotype that the role of a man is to provide, and protect - his vision of Michelle self-harming and the subsequent guilt suggests he had failed, to his mind. Thus, he had further basis for temporary derangement - he failed as a man and all that encompasses the role. Reminds me of this story.

This is one of those questions where I can't give you an answer and I will explain why in the end. =)

Quoted from Andrew The underlying message was, however, a little vague. You didn't really tease out a cohesive social commentary, and yet the material is fertile ground for this. The idea of killing a family member can be dramatised a la 'The Amityville Horror' and used as a launchpad for something horrifying, which is fine. Your script felt like it had a message, but it was difficult to conclude what it was. Would be interested to hear what your intentions are here. Andrew

I'll be honest. There was no intentional message to be had. The way it works is his family (and himself) was fucked up. None of them cared about the others. So, David (after killing himself) created a life when everyone was happy. Vincent was a straight A student, Michelle was popular and Heather loved him.

But, one thing, I left up to your own interpretation. When he was in the bathroom, he got a medication. If you were to go to Wikipedia and type in that medication, the story changes.

**SPOILERS**

See, he's crazy, but at the same time, you're not sure which life was the one he really had because he had the schizo pills, but he was also taking them regularly. So, either he had the good life but was fucked in the head, or he had the bad life and didn't want it anymore.

It's all in how you see it.

**END SPOILERS**

I hope that answered all your questions.

Thank you for reading. =)

Quoted from Coding Herman Hi, I highly urge you to re-upload the script with the correct format because I was confused as to what is action and what is dialogue.

I'd really like to, but every PDF upload thing I tried didn't work, so I just transferred it from Final Draft into Word and did PDF from there. Sorry. =(

Quoted from Coding Herman I think the story has potential but the execution needs a bit work. I would trim down a lot of the V.O. because they dissipate the action afterward. For example, isn't it more effective if you just showed that Heather is having sex with another man than just saying she's a whore beforehand?

I don't believe so because she's laying in bed with him there, all happy, while the entire time, he knows that she's not.

On other V.O.'s, I'll look into them as I do plan to have a couple of re-writes on this, after my next script.

Quoted from Coding Herman On the other hand, I would replace the V.O. with actual dialogue between David and Heather. They only speak like once at the end. If they interact with each other in the beginning, I would care about them more.

I'll see if I can make it work. Dialogue is my weakest point and having it directly between them could work and it couldn't. I'll try a few options and see which works best. =)

Quoted from Coding Herman I don't understand when you say it doesn't matter who is doing the V.O. when it is obviously David. You need someone to say it, maybe even a NARRATOR, but not just a VOICE.

I plan on fixing that one. =)

Quoted from Coding Herman I like how you kinda bookend the script with a scene that happens earlier. It gives us a feeling of connection, how everything ties together.

Yeah. I don't think it could've ended any other way because based on what is actually happening, the story has to loop over onto itself.

Thank you for reading. =)

EDIT: I made a decent amount of changes to the formatting of the script, for when it comes back up.

Just a heads up for future reference.

Mr Blonde

I see you've gotten helpful tips and suggestion from those above so i'll just focus on story and avoid repitition. This was an interesting read, very dark, quite bleak but a compelling alternate reality piece nonetheless.

Its a fascinating theme you picked although I can see why some might be turned off by it, I liked it for the sheer bravery you took in exploring such a dark corner of the human subconscious. You provided a startling and unflinching insight into the insecurity, paranoia and downright confusion of a husband, father and individual slowly losing grip on reality and his mind.

I liked how you juxtaposed what he believed was going on and what was actually happening...or was it? Although I appreciated this technique it repeated itself maybe a tad too often over the 10 pages, by the time we got to the daughter it was becoming a formality but I guess this distorted perceptions of David had was the subject of the script.

I wondered about the son since you showed the wife and daughter in the normal non cheating/slitting wrists states, how come this didn't happen with Vincent?  David walks in, sees him doing coke, Vincent kicks him out...but David never goes back in to see if his eyes are decieving him or not, was there a significance to this? At the end when David is picking off his family one by one I thought something would hppen when he went into Vincent's room but it was treated like Vincent was a normal kid much like Michelle.

Ignoring the slightly confusing layout which needlessly clouded things and what was happening on screen, this was an engaging read, again I admire the murky depths you explored, not for eveyone but certainly a worthwhile read for me.

Also a decent visual director could do a lot with the split scenes of the David's tortured visions to give the script that depraved, macabre tone it pushes for.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Mr Blonde I see you've gotten helpful tips and suggestion from those above so i'll just focus on story and avoid repitition. This was an interesting read, very dark, quite bleak but a compelling alternate reality piece nonetheless. Its a fascinating theme you picked although I can see why some might be turned off by it, I liked it for the sheer bravery you took in exploring such a dark corner of the human subconscious. You provided a startling and unflinching insight into the insecurity, paranoia and downright confusion of a husband, father and individual slowly losing grip on reality and his mind. I liked how you juxtaposed what he believed was going on and what was actually happening...or was it? Although I appreciated this technique it repeated itself maybe a tad too often over the 10 pages, by the time we got to the daughter it was becoming a formality but I guess this distorted perceptions of David had was the subject of the script. I wondered about the son since you showed the wife and daughter in the normal non cheating/slitting wrists states, how come this didn't happen with Vincent?  David walks in, sees him doing coke, Vincent kicks him out...but David never goes back in to see if his eyes are decieving him or not, was there a significance to this? At the end when David is picking off his family one by one I thought something would hppen when he went into Vincent's room but it was treated like Vincent was a normal kid much like Michelle. Ignoring the slightly confusing layout which needlessly clouded things and what was happening on screen, this was an engaging read, again I admire the murky depths you explored, not for eveyone but certainly a worthwhile read for me. Also a decent visual director could do a lot with the split scenes of the David's tortured visions to give the script that depraved, macabre tone it pushes for. Col.

Thank you for the read. To answer your question about Vincent: it goes along with what you were saying about Michelle. It would be overly repetitious to show it again, also as Andrew Allen alluded to before, there's a small part of him where he's more emotionally attached to the women in his life. So, when it came to Vincent (who wasn't actually doing drugs when he shot him (none of the family was messed up when they all got shot), he didn't feel as close an attachment to his son, hence the reason why he didn't see two variations of him before leaving his room.

Hope that was clear and I hope to reciprocate with you again in the near future.

Dude, your logline hooked me. Very cool.

The idea for the story is an excellent one, but I started to get lost in some of the details. One of the things I have been working on recently is how much description to put into each scene's setting. In your script David goes into a bathroom with a jacuzzi and opens a pill bottle with the name Jason Houston on it. So in my head I think that I need to remember the jacuzzi and the name Jason Houston, neither of which had anything to do with the story. So these things just cluttered me up with things I didn't really need to remember. The description of the bathroom can be simpler and non-specific and who was Jason Houston?

I understood the alternate versions of his family members, but not why he killed them. There was obviously conflict in David's mind but I didn't understand why he wanted to kill them if he loved them. It felt unresolved.

The ending was extremely morbid, I wasn't quite expecting it despite the foreshadowing. A depressing tale to be sure.

Overall good writing.

James

Quoted from James R So in my head I think that I need to remember the jacuzzi and the name Jason Houston, neither of which had anything to do with the story. So these things just cluttered me up with things I didn't really need to remember. The description of the bathroom can be simpler and non-specific and who was Jason Houston? I understood the alternate versions of his family members, but not why he killed them. There was obviously conflict in David's mind but I didn't understand why he wanted to kill them if he loved them. It felt unresolved. The ending was extremely morbid, I wasn't quite expecting it despite the foreshadowing. A depressing tale to be sure. Overall good writing. James

Thank you for the read, James. To explain:

Part 1: Jacuzzi. The house started as something big and luxurious. In the end, it was a shady apartment. Jacuzzi was there to show that it's not your normal 2-bedroom house.

Part 2: Jason Houston. Re-read the name of the prescription. Then, type the prescription into Wikipedia. Trust me, you'll understand.

Part 3: Killing. Depending on which version of his life, he was seeing, he wanted them dead because he loved them. Either they were all unhappy, so he killed them because in his mind, it would send them to Heaven. Or, they were happy and his mind was just completely fucked and he really did it for no reason.

Part 4: Ending. If you enjoyed the morbidness of it (as writing, not sick, twisted psycho-mumbo jumbo), then I succeeded, in a sense. If you didn't like it like that, sorry. =(

But, thank you for the read and thank you for your kind words.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Part 1: Jacuzzi. The house started as something big and luxurious. In the end, it was a shady apartment. Jacuzzi was there to show that it's not your normal 2-bedroom house.

I understand why it's in there, I just meant to comment that it may be unnecessary for the story. You can describe the bathroom as being expensively decorated, large, gaudy, IE something simpler and move on with the story. You know? Like I said, it's something I'm working on myself.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Part 2: Jason Houston. Re-read the name of the prescription. Then, type the prescription into Wikipedia. Trust me, you'll understand.

A little obscure for a short film, though. Or maybe I'm the only one who doesn't know about this, wouldn't be the first time.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Part 3: Killing. Depending on which version of his life, he was seeing, he wanted them dead because he loved them. Either they were all unhappy, so he killed them because in his mind, it would send them to Heaven. Or, they were happy and his mind was just completely f****d and he really did it for no reason.

Again, I understand this now, but it didn't show up in the script. Since you didn't have a concrete answer yourself, though, I assume you wanted this left up for interpretation.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Part 4: Ending. If you enjoyed the morbidness of it (as writing, not sick, twisted psycho-mumbo jumbo), then I succeeded, in a sense. If you didn't like it like that, sorry. =(

I liked the writing just fine, I tend to enjoy shorts like this on screen as well. Just throwing you my 2 cents.

James

Quoted from James R I understand why it's in there, I just meant to comment that it may be unnecessary for the story. You can describe the bathroom as being expensively decorated, large, gaudy, IE something simpler and move on with the story. You know? Like I said, it's something I'm working on myself.

Yeah, description is my second worst aspect, so I know what it's like to be constantly working on it. =)

Quoted from James R A little obscure for a short film, though. Or maybe I'm the only one who doesn't know about this, wouldn't be the first time.

It is very obscure. I threw it in as almost an easter egg.

Quoted from James R Again, I understand this now, but it didn't show up in the script. Since you didn't have a concrete answer yourself, though, I assume you wanted this left up for interpretation.

I have a concrete answer for what happened. But, saying it gets rid of all potential interpretation.

Quoted from James R I liked the writing just fine, I tend to enjoy shorts like this on screen as well. Just throwing you my 2 cents. James

In that case, thank you again. =)

Seems like everyone else covered most of the issues.  I liked it a lot, I dont think you should clarify much about it.  It seems with these kind of things the more you edit them and try to add underlying sense, the less impact they have overall.  Keeping the story a little illogical makes it compelling.  
The one issue I had was the name on the medication.  I get that this is supposed to have some kind of impact, but since davids name is never referred to in dialogue then the audience will just assume david is jason.  seems kinda pointless.
I like the ambivalentness of which life is actually real.

I dont think there needs to be any more action in it, a good director with interesting visual techniques could definately keep this interesting.

Quoted from jackx The one issue I had was the name on the medication.  I get that this is supposed to have some kind of impact, but since davids name is never referred to in dialogue then the audience will just assume david is jason.

That is something I forgot to fix, isn't it? Lol. I had about 8 pages worth of scenes that I cut out from it (including, yes, a few more V.O.'s) and in a few of them, David's name was mentioned. It just occurred to me now on another re-read that his name isn't mentioned again.

Good catch, Jack.

-Thanks.

ooh. Impressive.

Very impressive, in fact.

The eternal loop between the moment of physical and brain death, trapping a man in a hell he can never escape from - a mix of what is true and what might be true (which is which we cannot be sure of as viewers, which is very good), a nightmare that never ends.

It reminded me in part of the great short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge", which exists entirely between the drop and the snapping of a hanged man's neck.

I thought this was a step up on your last short I read here ("35"), and suggests you have a very individual vision, which is never a bad thing for a writer. I'd be interested to see how you tie it to  a feature and hope the one you have previously alluded to will be posted here shortly.

You are not wrong, who deem  
That my days have been a dream;  
Yet if hope has flown away  
In a night, or in a day,  
In a vision, or in none,  
Is it therefore the less gone?  
All that we see or seem  
Is but a dream within a dream.  
  

Quoted from Niles_Crane ooh. Impressive. Very impressive, in fact. The eternal loop between the moment of physical and brain death, trapping a man in a hell he can never escape from - a mix of what is true and what might be true (which is which we cannot be sure of as viewers, which is very good), a nightmare that never ends. It reminded me in part of the great short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge", which exists entirely between the drop and the snapping of a hanged man's neck. I thought this was a step up on your last short I read here ("35"), and suggests you have a very individual vision, which is never a bad thing for a writer. I'd be interested to see how you tie it to  a feature and hope the one you have previously alluded to will be posted here shortly. You are not wrong, who deem   That my days have been a dream;   Yet if hope has flown away   In a night, or in a day,   In a vision, or in none,   Is it therefore the less gone?   All that we see or seem   Is but a dream within a dream.

Thank you for the kind words and the read.

Well, since Saturday, when I started posting stuff, I finished this one (12 Seconds). Then, I moved between things and finished 24/7 which is very different from either 12 Seconds or 35. I don't plan on extending this into a feature and 35 is kind of down on my list of current works.

So, once I get a copyright on it, 24/7 will be up here. Then, after that... ?

P.S. That's a good poem. Very... not usual which is usually good.

It should be...it's Edgar Allen Poe!

Quoted from Niles_Crane It should be...it's Edgar Allen Poe!

And, that'd be why.

For awesomeness, see the Masters of Horror episode "The Black Cat". Great writing and performance by Jeffrey Combs.

I once adapted "The Tell Tale Heart" as a script and got quite into Poe.

This poem, written when he was a teenager, is quoted at the start of John Carpenter's "The Fog"

Quoted from Niles_Crane I once adapted "The Tell Tale Heart" as a script and got quite into Poe. This poem, written when he was a teenager, is quoted at the start of John Carpenter's "The Fog"

You still have that script somewhere? And, is it a modern adpatation or an original style?

Figures. One of my least favorite Carpenter movies...

Sadly not - it was written about 20 years ago, and in 2000, while moving house, I lost a huge amount of my writing, going back years, including almost all my shorts (I am talking dozens of the things), and a couple of features.

It was set in the period, not modernised. I may have another go at it one of these days!

Quoted from Niles_Crane Sadly not - it was written about 20 years ago, and in 2000, while moving house, I lost a huge amount of my writing, going back years, including almost all my shorts (I am talking dozens of the things), and a couple of features. It was set in the period, not modernised. I may have another go at it one of these days!

I think you should. I gotta admit though, I'd like to see how something from Poe's twisted, low alcohol tolerance-having brain would work in modern day. I think it would be pretty fucking creepy. Lol.

I liked a good deal about this and think it could be a great visual piece and I was interested to read what happens in the last 12 seconds between life and death. However,  I don't think we get to see this in the end (unless I misunderstood it?). What there is, is interesting but the way I read it, it is the dream, or his twisted version of reality, we get ti see.
The second half was kind of a repitition, since the dream had covered it, and I knew what was coming. Although he seems deranged, David does seem to have final moments of clarity and is aware of what his family needs - the son needs attention, the daughter love, etc, so I had hoped along with this insight, for redemption but he goes ahead and shoots them all anyway.
There was no real motivation I could see for his actions, nothing that woudld have driven him over the edge (or iwas he supposed to simply have gone nuts? Why?)
At the same time he acts methodically, so didn't really feel any emotion here for him at all.
Well written, but not a pleasant read or subject matter.

Best,

H

Quoted from harrietb I liked a good deal about this and think it could be a great visual piece and I was interested to read what happens in the last 12 seconds between life and death. However,  I don't think we get to see this in the end (unless I misunderstood it?). What there is, is interesting but the way I read it, it is the dream, or his twisted version of reality, we get ti see.

Thank you for the read.

The best way to answer your question would be that him walking around, experiencing his life either negatively or positively, was the 12 seconds. It was the life he created in his mind, just before he died.

Thank you very much, Don.

I was told by people that parts of this needed to be re-done. This version, once again, won't appease everyone, but I hope that things people didn't like before were fixed.

I hope you enjoy it. =)

-Sean

EDIT: For some reason, the script came out a little different here than I put up. Character/dialogue are split up. Actions are split. I have to fix that and put it back up. That's just in case anyone else mentions that, I'm sorry.

Hey Sean,

I told myself that I wanted to rehash some of the older scripts since I wasn't a member at the time and I'm glad I did. I loved the story of David interjecting between life and death. A little bit of the Butterfly Effect with a Memento feel to it as well.

Very cool story, nicely done!

- Dirk

Quoted from DV44 Hey Sean, I told myself that I wanted to rehash some of the older scripts since I wasn't a member at the time and I'm glad I did. I loved the story of David interjecting between life and death. A little bit of the Butterfly Effect with a Memento feel to it as well. Very cool story, nicely done! - Dirk

Dirk,

You've gone and done it now... You just opened up Pandora's Box and are going to(potentially) cause me a lot of grief. But, first, the review.

I want to thank you for reading and reviewing this golden oldie and not one of my much worse ones. I'm also glad that you liked it and I had not seen that comparison yet. I do believe the only one that was made (by our very own Andrew A.) was Vanilla Sky. Good movies all around. But, I like that you liked it.

As for Pandora's Box, this script continuously kept getting me offers from directors (currently 0 for 54 because I haven't updated my signature in a couple weeks. 38 for 12 Seconds) who wanted to make it. For years, this was happening, but it slowed down little by little as the script fell down the pages. Now that you revived it, I'm worried that the offers are going to come flooding back again. Maybe not, though. Fingers crossed.

P.S. Could you tell which reality was real, if any of them? No one has yet, after reading the first time (at least that they've told me).

-Sean

Hey Sean,

Sorry that I caused you some potential grief by reviewing the script but I had to read this. Who knows, maybe I brought you some good luck! lol.

The story itself was great. Was it a good life or a bad one? That's the question. In some weird way I seem to think both. I had a feeling that James Houston was married to Heather and lead a great life but was cheating on her as David with Michelle. And Vincent was a drug dealer/pimp. I'm probably way off with that theory but that's my guess. James/David lead two lives and saw them both while he was dying.

Either way, I enjoyed this. Loved the twists and turns throughout. Best of luck Sean and if your other scripts are as good as this one I'll be reading those soon as well. - Dirk

Hey Sean...

Whew I sure would LOVE to film this one! How do I contact you about script rights, mate? Kidding! .

You're the only writer I know who actually keeps a tally of the offers they receive.

I know you're not looking for reviews, but I simply couldn't resist

Dan

Quoted from DV44 Hey Sean, Sorry that I caused you some potential grief by reviewing the script but I had to read this. Who knows, maybe I brought you some good luck! lol. The story itself was great. Was it a good life or a bad one? That's the question. In some weird way I seem to think both. I had a feeling that James Houston was married to Heather and lead a great life but was cheating on her as David with Michelle. And Vincent was a drug dealer/pimp. I'm probably way off with that theory but that's my guess. James/David lead two lives and saw them both while he was dying. Either way, I enjoyed this. Loved the twists and turns throughout. Best of luck Sean and if your other scripts are as good as this one I'll be reading those soon as well. - Dirk

Dirk,

Well, not yet. I'm just assuming there will be more in the future. Hey, it's possible, though. After all, I'm somewhat Irish (Sean. Who'd have thunk?).

I will tell you that parts of your theory were accurate, but the whole thing is a negative. But, that's okay, but it ensures (well, if it were filmed) return viewing. And, a small thing is that it's Jason, not James. I know I always use these boring character names over and over again so it's easy to get mixed up on that.

I'm very glad you liked it, and if you do decide to check out some of my others (so far, I owe you one for reading this), just don't bring back certain ones, namely: Taibhse, Reflection, Five Till Close or 24/7. I'm really happy to have those at the bottom of the pile where they belong. All the best.

-Sean

Quoted from danbotha Hey Sean... Whew I sure would LOVE to film this one! How do I contact you about script rights, mate? Kidding! . You're the only writer I know who actually keeps a tally of the offers they receive. I know you're not looking for reviews, but I simply couldn't resist Dan

Dan,

Somehow, I knew that was coming. Lol.

I didn't in the beginning, but it became a running joke with me because I would get a message every couple of days about filming. Most were nothing then there was one who was serious. Then funding fell through and it never happened, but we've been in contact since (that was about three weeks after it went up). Finally, in May, I was contacted by someone else. We're still working through it and it may actually be filmed for real sometime in 2013. Maybe. Lol.

No, it's fine. I always welcome reviews, but it's just one of those things... =)

-Sean

Hey Sean,

My goof on getting the names wrong. I was talking to my wife about her step father right before I reviewed the script. His name is James. So his name was on my mind. Sorry about that.

So you can't tell me which part I guessed correctly. That's cool. You're like a magician who doesn't want to reveal his secret.

You named about four scripts that I can't look at. Give me a list of the ones I can read. As far as reading something of mine, no worries. I'm currently working on three different scripts right now. 2 shorts and 1 feature and I'm learning to write as I go so it's probably going to be awhile but I'll let you know.

Sorry again if I open the floodgates on this one.

Take care - Dirk

Quoted from Mr. Blonde See, he's crazy, but at the same time, you're not sure which life was the one he really had

woot - reading that cheered me up no end. I really enjoyed the ambiguity, it was puzzling me which way around it was all the way through - I kept thinking the 'bad' kids were the result of their dad having shot himself - like he's hazing in and out of a flash-forward of the consequences of what he'd done (explaining the kids' anger at him) - but then it seemed to switch and switch again - and it worked for me that it was left unresolved.

All I'd suggest is tightening it all up, try and condense some of the scenes down a bit for more thematic density and a tighter plot - but it's only a personal thing, you could loosen it up as well (go real dream-world wtf style lol)... or leave it. (Damn ambiguity got me at it now!)

Off first impressions I'd say this was one of my fave scripts so far.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde E. This script was mostly a test for me to actually finish something, so I didn't bother with visual-based things because I don't need it filmed. I needed to prove to myself that I could finish something.

Now there's a reason for writing a script I can understand lol. I'm still at that point myself

And for a first crack you gotta be happy. Kudos.

Quoted from DV44 Hey Sean, My goof on getting the names wrong. I was talking to my wife about her step father right before I reviewed the script. His name is James. So his name was on my mind. Sorry about that. So you can't tell me which part I guessed correctly. That's cool. You're like a magician who doesn't want to reveal his secret. You named about four scripts that I can't look at. Give me a list of the ones I can read. As far as reading something of mine, no worries. I'm currently working on three different scripts right now. 2 shorts and 1 feature and I'm learning to write as I go so it's probably going to be awhile but I'll let you know. Sorry again if I open the floodgates on this one. Take care - Dirk

Dirk,

No big deal. It was my bad for keeping my boring names. I have this stable of about 15 names I use in every story. Many of the names are plain. Kind of interesting how your wife's stepfather is named James then you read Jason as James. I'm taking Psychology right now, so it's funny to see that correlation in the brain.

No, I can tell you which part was correct. "Was it a good life or a bad one?...In some weird way I seem to think both" and you were partly correct on this one "James/David lead two lives and saw them both while he was dying."

Oh, there's more I'd prefer not to be brought back up but those are the ones I really want to stay gone. Most of those are extremely old and I wasn't feeling them at all and that comes off in the writing. Well, let me know when one of those shorts is done and I'd be glad to take a look. If it's anything like your very well done OWC, I'm sure I'll be in for a real treat. =)

I was mostly joking about that. It's not really that big a deal and, if there is someone, I'll just turn them down with a smile.

-Sean

Quoted from marriot woot - reading that cheered me up no end. I really enjoyed the ambiguity, it was puzzling me which way around it was all the way through - I kept thinking the 'bad' kids were the result of their dad having shot himself - like he's hazing in and out of a flash-forward of the consequences of what he'd done (explaining the kids' anger at him) - but then it seemed to switch and switch again - and it worked for me that it was left unresolved. All I'd suggest is tightening it all up, try and condense some of the scenes down a bit for more thematic density and a tighter plot - but it's only a personal thing, you could loosen it up as well (go real dream-world wtf style lol)... or leave it. (Damn ambiguity got me at it now!) Off first impressions I'd say this was one of my fave scripts so far. Now there's a reason for writing a script I can understand lol. I'm still at that point myself And for a first crack you gotta be happy. Kudos.

Marriot,

Maybe one day, it'll be resolved. I remember that a couple days before I wrote this, I watched both Mulholland Drive and Memento and couldn't help but laugh at the idea of putting a list of 10 clues to solving the story (like Lynch did with MD on the DVD, instead of having chapters). I scrapped the idea way back because this isn't nearly as intricate or complicated as Mulholland Drive, but I thought it would've been neat to have.

We're working on tightening it up (the newest director and I) and we're going to condense Vincent and Michelle into one character.

I do appreciate that, though. Thank you.

Yeah, this was back in the old days where I had a bunch of ideas but couldn't actually sit down and bang one out. I had only done one before this, but it wasn't a story, it was the final scene to a feature I never wrote. Of course, not much has changed over the years. I still find it a chore to finish anything. Go figure.

But, thank you for reading and reviewing. If you have something for me to read, let me know. I can guarantee you I can't get around to it for about a week (this week is going to be hell) but I will get to it, then.

-Sean

I've just read this script I like how the end was so connected to the beginning like tenet vibes. I enjoyed it despite the excessive explanations.