SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 5:41am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Loss of Fear Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 19 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Loss of Fear  (currently 4605 views)
Craiger6
Posted: December 17th, 2009, 9:34am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Cam,

Thanks for the read and good point about the "sitting" and "sits" in the same sentence.

I know that people sometimes don't like the use of the flashback, but I guess I was a little concerned about going on too long and figured the flashbacks would work.

Anyway, thanks again for the read and the insight.  Much appreciated.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 27
Elmer
Posted: December 23rd, 2009, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.03
Everyone has probably already pointed out any technical flaws, such as over-description and things like that.  

Typically, horror/creepy stuff really just isn't my thing, but I thought this was very well written and I enjoyed it. You're great at describing things. I especially love when you wrote that the lamps light up to do battle with the darkness. Great line.

The only thing I didn't really like was the quote at the end. IT just didn't really sit well with me. Could just be my personal opinion, but it just didn't seem like it had a point for being there.

As far as the flash backs are concerned, I can't understand why anyone would ever have a problem with the use of flashbacks. Film is a show-it-don't-tell-it medium. In my opinion, a flash back (if done correctly) is far more creative and less jarring than a prologue. It allows you to interweave important elements of the characters lives into the story without having to stretch the story out so thin that it becomes boring and bland.

Speaking of characters, these characters have some jacked up theological views haha, but I guess that's what makes it even more creepy.

Anyway, great job! I look forward to reading The Final Pawn.

-Chris
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 27
Craiger6
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Chris,

Thanks for the read and the feedback.  Yeah, the quote at the end has been hit or miss for some people.  I'm going to take all of the feedback and do some revising in the near future.  I'm still up in the air about the quote.  

Thanks again for the read.  Let me know if I can return the favor.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 27
chelsea
Posted: July 6th, 2010, 6:48am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
156
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hey Craig.

A very good read for me. All the technical issues have been mentioned by others before so no need to repeat.

I also fall into the trap of overwriting but somehow even though I know it's not 'correct' I still find myself doing it. That's why I can empathize with you and think you have a great talent. Very nice visuals.

My one slight issue and I'm certain you've done your research, but is it common for people to cut their own throats? I certainly wouldn't have the guts (or should that be 'the neck'?)

Still, that aside a very well crafted piece.

Well done.

Martin


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 27
Craiger6
Posted: July 7th, 2010, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hi Martin,

It's been a while since I've looked at this oen, thanks for giving this a read.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Yes, guilty as charged with the overwriting, but as you said, sometimes I can't resist either.

As far as cutting one's throat, you are probably correct.  I guess my feeling is that I wanted to make it something befitting this messed up character.  

Anyway, thanks again for the read, man.  Much appreciated.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 27
Coding Herman
Posted: July 7th, 2010, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hi again Craig,

I think this is pretty well done. It started off slowly but the story payoffs handsomely.

I believe this is one of your earlier effort? I said that because here you tend to overwrite descriptions, which made for a slower read. Some superfluous details can be cut out as well. Like the detailed decorations in the room, etc.

You might want to introduce who Mr. Shipley is, even though I assume he works in the funeral home. I didn't quite understand the relationship between him and James though. They seem to know each other well.

For the flashback scenes, you might want to use INT. CHURCH - DAY, and then underneath SUPER: 8 YEARS AGO.

The revelation of the Father and James did surprise me. James took over what the Father does. And James overcome his fear by doing so. Kudos to that.

A very haunting ending.

Good job.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 27
Coding Herman
Posted: July 7th, 2010, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09

Quoted from chelsea


My one slight issue and I'm certain you've done your research, but is it common for people to cut their own throats? I certainly wouldn't have the guts (or should that be 'the neck'?)



Martin, it was James who cut the Father's throat. I guess you got confused with the pronoun "he". So maybe Craig can clear that up in the re-write as well.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 27
Craiger6
Posted: July 9th, 2010, 8:29am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hi Herman,

Thanks for taking the time.

"I believe this is one of your earlier effort? I said that because here you tend to overwrite descriptions, which made for a slower read. Some superfluous details can be cut out as well. Like the detailed decorations in the room, etc."

Yes, this was actually the first screenplay that I had written, and I think that accounts for some of the over-writing.  I think that I've cut down on that a bit in some of my later stuff.  That said, I'm not sure that I would change all that much in that vein as it relates to this piece since I think (hope?) that it adds to the overall mood and vibe of the story.  

"You might want to introduce who Mr. Shipley is, even though I assume he works in the funeral home. I didn't quite understand the relationship between him and James though. They seem to know each other well."

Mr. Shipley is the proprietor (sp?) of the funeral home.  I believe on the first or second page I point out a sign reading "Shipley's Funeral Home" hanging on t e lawn.  Thanks for pointing it out though since if you missed it, I'm sure others have as well.  Perhaps he needs a bit more of an intro within the story as well.

"For the flashback scenes, you might want to use INT. CHURCH - DAY, and then underneath SUPER: 8 YEARS AGO."

Good tip.  I think it reads better your way.

"Martin, it was James who cut the Father's throat. I guess you got confused with the pronoun "he". So maybe Craig can clear that up in the re-write as well."

Kind of embarrassing when the writer doesn't remember his own story, huh?  It's been a while since I've read this from start to finish, but you are 100% correct when you say that James is the one who did in the Father.  The Father was supposed to have been offering himself up to James, and then James fixes the scene to look like a suicide.

I think I was also confused with Martin's query with some feedback that I recieved from either someone else on the boards or a friend who mentioned that it's unlikely that the police would accept this as a suicide because people don't usually slit their own throats.  The letter on the desk was intended to try and account for this.  

Anyway, thanks again for the read Herman et al.  Much appreciated.  

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 27
rc1107
Posted: August 27th, 2010, 11:20am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1241
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey Craig.

Not a bad little story you've got here.  Definately a very moody feel to it much thanks to your descriptive writing.  I haven't read anybody else's comments yet, but I'm guessing you and I are in the same boat and that you get accused a lot of overwriting a little bit.  I have no problem with what other people call 'overwriting' as long as it isn't obtrusive to the story and it helps convey the image into the reader's (or, hopefully ultimately) the director's eye.  In your story, I don't the writing is too obtrusive, although a line does come to mind.  'They snap on, ready to do battle against the emproaching darkness'.  I think that's how it went.  That was obtrusive.  Simply just 'they snap on' would've been perfect.  The word 'snap' pops the readers imagination open and he's ready to read the rest of the story.  Short and sweet.  So you weren't too obtrusive and you got a very clear image of what was going on.  So excellent job on the writing aspect of the story.

Now, as for the story itself...  Plot and character-wise...

Overall, I enjoyed it, though I think it could use a couple little tweaks here and there.  I think the main tweak that would help this story along a little would be to make Father Richard seem a little more creepier in the 1st flashback.  Like after James tell him that he's afraid of death, Father Ricky could say or do something that would let us know that something's just not quite right up inside his head.

In fact, I wouldn't make that scene a flashback at all.  This is only a suggestion, but I'd make that scene the opening scene.  That way, we get a nice, creepy introduction to James and what it had been like for him growing up and that part's set up already, so then it doesn't interrupt the flow and suspense in the middle of the story.  Two flashbacks kind of just muddied the story up a little bit, I think, and took away just a little bit from the pacing of the story.  Set up that way, you don't use the 1st flashback just as a device to get into the character's thoughts, it actually becomes part of the story.  

But, without seeing it right in front of me, I'm not sure if you'd like how that would play out or not.  It was just a suggestion.

Oh yeah, and one more thing.  Those damn (beat)'s.  Those are obtrusive and annoying!  You can do away with every single one of those and not lose a single thing to the script.  And now that I've taken a look through a couple of the other posts for this story, I see that this was your first one you posted.  Congratulations.  This was an excellent first story.  Good job.  Hopefully, though, when I read your others, (and I will), those Godforesaken (beats) are gone!  :-)

As for the beginning and the ending quotes... I'm a huge fan of quotes and I love using them in scripts I write and I love seeing them in movies I watch...  so I have no problem with the quotes.  One niggle I do have, though, is that I don't think you need to put Ted Bundy- American Serial Killer.  I'm pretty sure everybody knows who he is.  I think seeing the words 'American Serial Killer' takes away from the impact of his quote.  In fact, I'd like to see his real name up there.

You feel the last bit of breath leaving their body.  You're looking into their eyes.  A person in that situation is God.
-  Theodore Bundy

To me, it just seems a little more powerful that way.

Other than that, I thought it was a pretty interesting story and I loved the moody feel it had to it.  Great job for breaking your simplyscript cherry.  :-)

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 23 - 27
Craiger6
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Mark,

Thanks for taking a look at this one.  My apologies for not getting back sooner.  I like to do my reading and responsing on the weekends, but I've been running around the last couple fo weeks and haven't really checked in lately.

Yeah, this was the first thing I ever wrote, and in retrospect, I definetly made some rookie mistakes.  I think I've improved since then, but this one will always hold a special place.  I'm sure you know what I mean.

“I haven't read anybody else's comments yet, but I'm guessing you and I are in the same boat and that you get accused a lot of overwriting a little bit.  I have no problem with what other people call 'overwriting' as long as it isn't obtrusive to the story and it helps convey the image into the reader's (or, hopefully ultimately) the director's eye.  In your story, I don't the writing is too obtrusive, although a line does come to mind.  'They snap on, ready to do battle against the emproaching darkness'.  I think that's how it went.  That was obtrusive.  Simply just 'they snap on' would've been perfect. “

Yeah, I’ve definitely been guilty of over writing.  I think I’ve improved on it a bit since this effort, but yes, still something that I need to keep in mind.

“In fact, I wouldn't make that scene a flashback at all.  This is only a suggestion, but I'd make that scene the opening scene.  That way, we get a nice, creepy introduction to James and what it had been like for him growing up and that part's set up already, so then it doesn't interrupt the flow and suspense in the middle of the story.  Two flashbacks kind of just muddied the story up a little bit, I think, and took away just a little bit from the pacing of the story.  Set up that way, you don't use the 1st flashback just as a device to get into the character's thoughts, it actually becomes part of the story.  “

I think this is a really good point.  In fact, I can definitely see it in my mind’s eye.  I think this would work really well flowing right into the original that I currently have with a grown up James.  Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll give it some thought.

“Oh yeah, and one more thing.  Those damn (beat)'s.  Those are obtrusive and annoying!  You can do away with every single one of those and not lose a single thing to the script. “

Haha, duly noted.  I got a little carried away.

“One niggle I do have, though, is that I don't think you need to put Ted Bundy- American Serial Killer.  I'm pretty sure everybody knows who he is.  I think seeing the words 'American Serial Killer' takes away from the impact of his quote. “

Glad you liked the quotes.  I kind of do as well.  Good point about the “American Serial Killer” bit.  It’s unnecessary.  

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time.  It really is much appreciated.  And sorry again for not responding earlier.

Craig


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 27
leitskev
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.64
Craig, a very interesting piece of work. A lot to think about, and a lot of twists.

First, I like your visual set up of the opening scenes. I have not read reviews, but I suspect people probably criticized this as over written. And they could be cleaned up a little, tweaked back a bit, but overall, I think you really painted a picture.

Then the set up continued with the revelation that James was going to be left alone with a serial killer. Very nice.

Your first flash was effective to set up the most powerful moment, the revelation of the corpse of the priest.

The second flash worked as well, was a surprise.

There were two problems IMO. First, the dialogue did not always work. There were times it just didn't seem to match the moment. Very fixable. If you ever look to rewrite this I would be happy to point out the ones I mean.

The second problem is more with the details of the story. A serial killer is killed by a slash to the throat, but no one suspects, they think it's a suicide? And there is no autopsy? The body just goes right to the funeral home that day? Not sure if that adds up. You might be better off having James work at the medical examiner's office and preparing the body for autopsy. Maybe the news report can say died of apparent suicide but is under investigation.

Just my thoughts. But overall I like the story and the style with which it was delivered.

Oh, almost forgot. I don't think falling snow makes noise, and I heard a lot of it this year. Sleet makes noise though.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 27
Vaproductions
Posted: May 5th, 2011, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.01
Quote from Col "That Father Richard was a sadistic motherfu?ker, who woulda’ thought?" Yo i cosign this thought.

But yea anyways Craig I liked your story and the Ted Bundy reference at the end because it seem as tho the Father and James was kinda psycho paths themselves.

So I rate this a 7 out of 10.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 27
Craiger6
Posted: May 29th, 2011, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
239
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Guys,

Thanks for the read on this one, and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner.  (I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot lately).  Anyway, this was actually the first screenplay I ever wrote, so, while it’s def flawed, it’s kind of near and dear to my heart.

Kev,

“First, I like your visual set up of the opening scenes. I have not read reviews, but I suspect people probably criticized this as over written. And they could be cleaned up a little, tweaked back a bit, but overall, I think you really painted a picture.”

Yes, the “over writing” has rightfully been pointed out by a bunch of other readers.  It’s a fine line, and one that I’m still trying to find that happy medium.

“There were two problems IMO. First, the dialogue did not always work. There were times it just didn't seem to match the moment. Very fixable. If you ever look to rewrite this I would be happy to point out the ones I mean.”

Thanks for pointing this out.  I’m kind of a stickler for dialogue, so I’m sorry that it didn’t always work for you.  I currently don’t have any plans for a re-write, but if I do, I’ll take a closer look at the dialogue.

“The second problem is more with the details of the story. A serial killer is killed by a slash to the throat, but no one suspects, they think it's a suicide? And there is no autopsy? The body just goes right to the funeral home that day? Not sure if that adds up. You might be better off having James work at the medical examiner's office and preparing the body for autopsy. Maybe the news report can say died of apparent suicide but is under investigation.”

Yeah, this has also been picked up on by some other readers.  In short, there are def some plot holes here, but I guess I was asking the audience to take a leap of faith.  But your point is a good one, and again, if I ever decided to take a crack at this one again, that is one thing I would def look to re-work.

“Oh, almost forgot. I don't think falling snow makes noise, and I heard a lot of it this year. Sleet makes noise though.”

Haha – good point!  You and me both with all the snow this winter!

VAP,

Thanks for the read man.  Yeah , it seems that the quotes were hit and miss for most readers.  I kind of like them though.  Glad you did too.

Anyway, thanks again for the read fellas, and sorry it took so long to get back to you.  Thanks again.

CR


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 27
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006