Pia,

I missed your post, we must have posted at the same time. Good spot about the "slowly". I should be able to do better than that.

The DVD being found in the DVD rack will be sorted in the next draft. I have a way of getting around that.

I will be reading your 7WC Christmas scripts when they are posted along with the rest anyway. Thanks for the read!

alffy,

Glad you like it. The first page is kind of depressing and hopefully hits hard.

Draw around bodies? I'm not sure myself. I saw it on an episode of NCIS recently so I just presumed they did. Maybe I'm wrong, I'll need to look into it.

Thanks again for the read.

Nice job with this.  
I think everyone else already noticed the problems I saw, IE the DVD case and dialogue.  It might be nice to push the rat poison revelation back a little, since as soon as you see that the surprise is over.  
That's about it though, couldnt find other fault with this.

Quoted from jackx Nice job with this.   I think everyone else already noticed the problems I saw, IE the DVD case and dialogue.  It might be nice to push the rat poison revelation back a little, since as soon as you see that the surprise is over.   That's about it though, couldnt find other fault with this.

not so sure, since it's all about cookies and milk.

Thanks for the read, jackx.

I'm not sure what you mean by pushing the revelation back a little. There's only a page left after we find this out. I know the last scene with the parents when Markus is asleep is not really needed as everyone is capable of figuring it out as soon as the poison is mentioned, but I like the final scene and think it brings the story full circle with the milk and cookies being in both parents hands. I also like the fact that, if someone accidently hits the "END" key on their keyboard while reading by mistake (like I do a lot), the last page looks like a happy ending, when we all know it's far from it.

I do want to keep the final scene but if more people think it's not needed, I may need to look at it again in the rewrite.

Again, thanks for reading. I will read and review Unpowered at the weekend.

Brian

Hi all,

I thought the statement "Is that a toy in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" would be mentioned.

Ok, maybe that was a bit lame...

From what I recall it was the father that drank the milk (rat poison) and the mother that eat the cookies. Did she drink the milk too? Or was there rat poison in the cookies also?

I like the idea of the parallels the boy experiences between Sharon screaming in the DVD and screaming in the present bacause of the mouse.

Oh, and one last thing. I know it's Christmas Eve but I don't think you mentioned that Edward was dressed as Santa when he kills the mouse...Or maybe I missed that.

Very funny script.

Hey, thanks for checking out Unpowered, much appreciated.  
What I was thinking with the rat poison was to have it revealed in the last scene, like the parents are sitting eating and joking, then the audience sees an empty bottle of poison on the mantle behind them or something.  However, I see what you mean about leaving the last scene entirely happy, so by itself it seems pretty innocuous and innocent.

I could definately see this being filmed in a home video style, very cheap and all, with the kid running around with the camera, and it being left on and forgotten for some parts.  Would work with the title nicely, imo.  
Good luck with the revisions.

24 Grams,

Thanks for checking this out. There's a lot of potential for some funny lines in that sex tape that I seem to have missed. I've had some brilliant suggestions through private messages and such and I will be sure to add in a few more lines and change a few already there.

Markus would have covered the cookies also, just to make sure...

I think the screaming on the dvd followed by Sharon's actual screaming in the next room would be brilliant on film, especially Markus' reaction to it. Boy, he'll need therapy.

The only time Edward is dressed as Santa is in the tape. That's why Markus doesn't recognise him. The rest of the scenes, he would be dressed normal. I hope that clears that up.

Do you have any short scripts up you'd like me to take a look at? I'd be happy to return the read.

jackx,

Thanks for adding more thoughts. I see what you mean with the last scene but I think that may be a little difficult and some might miss it. Having Markus take the poison from the table after his dad tells him to prepare the milk and cookies, well, everyone will work it out there and then.

Good point about the home video angle. A lot would need to be rewritten with that in mind but I do think it could work that way. You've got me thinking now... ha ha.

Thanks for the read everyone.

Brian

Hi Brian,

3rd Christmas script of the day.

Great script, well told and kept my interest throughout.  A quick & easy read.  I have no complaints.  Well, I wouldn't underline words as there's no need.

I tell you a story, once when I was a child I wanted to see a cartoon.  I saw a video labelled Porkies.  Knowing my dad can't speak or write English very well I thought it was porky pig.  I was so wrong.  Your spongebob dvd scene brought that back to me.

Best Xmas script I've read so far.

All the best,


Javier

Hi Brian,

SPOILERS

Poor old Santa, getting blamed again for the misbehaviour of a Santa imposter. It kinda reminded me of Silent Night Deadly Night AKA Black Christmas. But in saying that I’m not saying it’s a rip off or anything. It just reminded me of it.

My favourite scene was when Markus was sitting on Santa's lap and right out of the blue he says "you hurt my mum". That was a creepy scene. I also liked your ending. It seemed very plausible under the circumstances and I also thought you did a good job with the flashbacks and jumping backwards and forwards. It kept the story interesting.
I have no real complaints other than what other people have already said about the DVD being out in the open for him to pick up. Perhaps Markus could catch his parents hiding some of the Xmas presents and then later he stumbles on to the hidden sex DVD while he's snooping around looking for them. However if you did that you’d have to play around a bit with working the poison into the story too.

I look forward to reading the next draft.

Hi Javier,

Good to hear you enjoyed it. Spot on about underlining words, I'll fix that.

Porkies is a good movie. I could imagine being more than a bit confused watching it as a kid.

Thanks for reading. Do you have anything up that you'd like me to return the favour with?

Hi Chris,

Thanks for the read. I've got a good idea of how to work the dvd scene into the redraft to make it more plausible.

Thanks again. Do you have any scripts up? I'd like to return the read.

Brian

I've got a few scripts up, Brian. But they're a bit dated now. I'm overdue to put up something new, so I'll let you know when I do.

Hey, Brian.

Very nicely done. I thought this was a good story and a pretty realistic, scenario. Okay, like others have mention (and you're probably sick of hearing this), the homevideo would most likely not be lying there in the open like that, and I also didn't like the fact that the kid was still in the room when the detectives were talking, but other than that, I thought this was really well done.

I especially liked the Memento-style technique you used here with regards to the storytelling, very skillfully done - it can easily go wrong - here, it didn't.

Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob

Hi Chris,

No problem, give me a PM when you've got something ready.

Hi Rob,

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going when I rewrite this, it's just finding the time to do it. Pleased the reverse storytelling worked for you.

Do you have anything up you'd like me to take a look at?

Brian

Hmm.  Not sure what to say about this one.  It kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.  But that's not necessarily your fault.  The writing was solid, the characters were as developed as they can be for such a short film...I don't know...maybe it was just all the death, santa sex, and poison.     I guess I just wasn't really in the mood for that right now.

I will say this: it did take me by surprise.  I was expecting this really saccharine kind of tale where the kid finds some meaningful tape his dead parents left him or something like that...but what I got was something completely different.

It seems, from reading other comments, you've accomplished your goal and a lot of people dug it, but it just wasn't for me.  Definitely clever though, I'll give you that.

Thanks for posting your thoughts. You're right, it's definitely not for everyone. I think I said in one of my previous posts that I people's opinions would be split as it's not exactly a feel-good Christmas story that people expect to read.

Thanks again for the read. It's very much appreciated.

Brian