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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Forgotten Christmas Tape Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Forgotten Christmas Tape  (currently 5253 views)
Heretic
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Hmm!  I didn't write anything.  This was a very quick read with absolutely no glaring problems to distract the reader.

People have already made the points about some logic errors -- the location of the DVD, the kid staying at the crime scene.

I think this is a very solid entertaining, plot-driven short.  I also think you can push it further...

Obviously this is a very dark and very extreme story.  What are you trying to say?

I want to know a bit more about the parents.  Not spend more time with them, just have a couple moments that are a little more revealing as to their family life overall.  Not that you did a bad job with this at all -- I just want to know more, to see you delve deeper into what this family is like.

Again -- what are you trying to say?  The detectives' dialogue falls a little bit flat for me.  They are a wasted opportunity, I think, to explore you story a little bit more thematically.  Let their dialogue carry us through the deeper meanings in the story through subtext.

If there are, to you, deeper meanings.  I hope there are!  I think that if you find and polish what it is you really want to say with this script, you've got something fully deserving of being produced.  I really enjoyed this, and it's the kind of story that does well in festivals.

Thanks for the fun read!
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Brian M
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi again,

Thanks for reading and posting your thoughts on a Christmas script in June! It's been a while since I've looked at this script, but I will be giving it a polish and fixing the errors mentioned very soon.

What am I trying to say? Sorry to disappoint you, I don't really know what I was trying to say. The story came out of nowhere... I can't remember if I mentioned that I originally planned on writing this as a comedy based on a sex tape because I saw a huge Sexy Santa costume poster on a shop window. I don't know where the dead bodies and poison came from... maybe it was my mood at that time, I honestly can't remember why I changed my plans. I'm delighted with the way it turned out though.

Hopefully the dialogue will improve with more time to work on it. I look back at it now and cringe at the detectives' dialogue.  

I'm happy that you think it's the kind of story that does well in festivals and that you enjoyed it overall. Hopefully with a good rewrite, someone will be interested in making that happen! Send me a PM whenever you post something you'd like me to look at, I'd be happy to. Thanks again for reading!

Brian
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brian,

I think this is pretty well-conceived. The opening scene immediately caught our attention. The alternating scenes between the detectives and Markus were handled well. They are like puzzle pieces and we anticipate for them to come into place.

One thing I don't understand is why Edward told Markus to go to his room when there's mouse? I think using a mouse as a plot device to get Markus seeing the DVD wasn't that clever. You might want to change it to something else.

Who cut out the heads in the picture? I assume it's Markus, but why do it when he only hates Santa. And if Markus's head is also cut out, how do we know it's Markus?

I don't understand the ending. So Markus used the rat poison to poison his parents. His motive wasn't so clear though. I only understand that Markus thinks the Santa hurted his mom, so why will Edward as well?

It's written pretty well, it's a breeze to read, but some character's motivations need to be more fleshed out.

Overall, it's enjoyable and I think with a few re-writes this could be very good.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Brian M
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Herman,

I'll try my best to answer all your questions. The main reason for using a mouse in the house was to explain the need for a bottle of rodent poison in the house. Being a young boy, Markus doesn't know what it does until he finds out it killed the mouse, thus giving him the idea to use it on "Santa" for 'hurting' his mother. I think if I didn't have the mouse running around the house, the story wouldn't work and the bottle of rodent poison would appear random to the readers who will have no idea why something like that is in the reach of a child in the first place. I could have used a load of other alternatives to get Markus out of the room to watch the DVD but that wasn't the reason at all for using the mouse.

Markus' motive is to kill Santa because he believes he hurt his mother. As he's a young boy, he still believes in Santa Claus. He still leaves out milk and cookies for him when he delivers his presents at Christmas. He doesn't know Santa doesn't exist and certainly doesn't know that his mother and father will drink/eat them as they are the last people he would want to kill. That's why it hits him so hard when he sees the dead bodies at the start.

Markus cut out Santa's head in the picture. I can probably write this part better to avoid confusion. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks for reading and I hope I have explained everything. Do you have any scripts posted you would like me to take a look at? I'd like to return the read. Thanks again!

Brian
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Ahhh......I wasn't aware of Markus using the poison on the cookie and milk. Now it becomes much clearer.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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naviobb
Posted: June 27th, 2010, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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In my opinion, it was really nice; however, there were some problems from a director's point of view in the sex scene. Who is recording the whole thing? Did they place the camera on a tripod or was it hand held? You wrote V.O. for both Edward and Sharon, which is kind of confusing. If they put a camera on a tripod. both of them should be in the screen. But if it was handheld, one of them should be in the screen. Edward holding the camera sounds kind of difficult for him as he was doing a lot of stuff, but Sharon can't hold the camera because of her position. Therefore, you should decide coz it'll affect the actions of the characters.

Also, the behavior of Sharon and Markus was weird when it came to mouse. I've seen many kids who scream like anything when they see a mouse, but Markus didn't react at all; on the other hand, Sharon's reaction was over-exaggerated. You should change "fuck" to something else when she sees the mouse for the first time. No one says fuck like that. I think "scream" would be perfect, for girls do this most of the time.

I liked the way you put it all together. Both opening and ending were powerful! Good stuff
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Brian M
Posted: June 28th, 2010, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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naviobb,

Big thanks for reading and posting your thoughts. I will try to answer your questions the best I can. The camera is definitely on a tripod, that's the only way it would work. I've always been under the impression that using V.O. with characters on a TV is the right thing to do, as the sound is coming from the television and not the actual character in the room. If I took the V.O. out, it might get confusing. Also, I don't want to 'show' everything Markus sees on the tape. For the explicit parts, his facial reaction would do, while the V.O. will still give the reader a good idea of what's going on. Thanks for pointing this out, I will look into the V.O. part to make sure.

I see where you are coming from about the mouse. I'm not sure. My sister jumps around everywhere when she sees a spider and won't sleep in that room until someone removes it. She's 17. My little cousin is 5, she picks up spiders by the legs. It's hard to tell how anyone would react to any situation, I guess that's what makes us all different in the end. Maybe the F bomb is a bit much, it's something I'll have to think over.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and post. I'm glad you enjoyed it. If you have anything posted you would like me to take a look at, just send me a PM and I'll get right on it.

Brian
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naviobb
Posted: June 29th, 2010, 12:31am Report to Moderator
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Oh, so you used V.O. in that context, now it makes sense, but still, I would recommend you to use O.S. if you are not planning to show their faces during some parts; moreover, add something which points that it's showing on t.v. and not as a main scene in the movie. I hope it makes sense.

Well, I guess every kid is different, but drop the f bomb for sure. I was sitting in my class, and thinking about your script (yeah it's that good!) and one thing came to my mind. Don't you think Markus is too young to think to kill Santa with rat poison? I mean, he's too young to think something like this, or as a matter of fact, even know the consequences of eating poison. That's why they write "keep away from children" on such things, right?

And yeah, I'll tell you when I'll upload my script
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Brian M
Posted: June 29th, 2010, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi again,

I did try to make it as clear as possible when I wanted to show something on the TV. I think I started my action lines like "ON THE TV, Santa does...blah blah blah" but I'll look to see if I can improve on these parts. There's always room for plenty for improvement.

Markus would have no idea what the poison was capable of at a young age. I think I had an action line in there somewhere when Markus walks into the room when Edward is holding the dead mouse about him "looking up at it in wonder and amazement" or something similar. He sees the effect the poison had on the mouse and he works it out himself that the posion is capable of killing. In the new draft, that scene is extended slightly. Markus picks up the small piece of poisoned cheese used to kill the mouse. Edward warns him "Don't touch, you don't want to end up like the mouse, do you?". So yeah, he works it out himself because of the effect the poison had on the mouse but before, he would have had no idea what the bottle of poison was.

Thanks again for commenting. I'll be sure to check out your script when it's posted!

Brian
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naviobb
Posted: June 29th, 2010, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I like the new addition. Now it makes everything clear. Best of luck for the future
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chelsea
Posted: July 5th, 2010, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Hi Brian.

This was a very good read. Nice visuals and it kept my attention all the way through. I like your style of writing. Nice.

I don't know whether you've considered it but I think this could well be developed into a feature.

Whatever and however, the very best of luck.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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Brian M
Posted: July 5th, 2010, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Hi Martin,

I'm happy you thought it was a very good read.

A feature... I'm not so sure. I think it could work as one story in a series of horrible Christmas stories, but as a standalone feature, I don't think there's enough here to go 90+ pages. I have thought about the series of horrible Christmas stories connected together for one feature, it's something I may do later in the year.

Thanks for reading. Which script of yours would you like me to read? Or should I wait for Pillow Talk?

Brian
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chelsea
Posted: July 6th, 2010, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, that'd work. I just think there's a lot more here than a 9 page short. (IMHO)

By the way, "Pillow Talk" is up if you'd care to take a look.

Keep up the great work.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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Brian M
Posted: July 6th, 2010, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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I've left some feedback on Pillow talk.

Thanks again for taking the time to read!

Brian
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khamanna
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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I clicked on your short (a thriller too) to see what kind of mess you might be talking about - very nice story. I mean dark and mind-wrenching story... but so well written and extremely engaging. I read it all in two minutes - couldn't get to the end of it to see what happens next. Not a bit predictable too!
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